In an art exhibition the other day I saw a painting that had been sold for $5,000. The painter was a young scrub out of the West named Kraft, who had a favourite food and a pet theory. His pabulum was an unquenchable belief in the Unerring Artistic1 Adjustment of Nature. His theory was fixed2 around corned-beef hash with poached egg.
There was a story behind the picture, so I went home and let it drip out of a fountain-pen. The idea of Kraft--but that is not the beginning of the story.
Three years ago Kraft, Bill Judkins (a poet), and I took our meals at Cypher's, on Eighth Avenue. I say "took." When we had money, Cypher got it "off of" us, as he expressed it. We had no credit; we went in, called for food and ate it. We paid or we did not pay. We had confidence in Cypher's sullenness3 end smouldering ferocity.
Deep down in his sunless soul he was either a prince, a fool or an artist. He sat at a worm-eaten desk, covered with files of waiters' checks so old that I was sure the bottomest one was for clams4 that Hendrik Hudson had eaten and paid for. Cypher had the power, in common with Napoleon III. and the goggle-eyed perch5, of throwing a film over his eyes, rendering6 opaque7 the windows of his soul. Once when we left him unpaid8, with egregious9 excuses, I looked back and saw him shaking with inaudible laughter behind his film. Now and then we paid up back scores.
But the chief thing at Cypher's was Milly. Milly was a waitress. She was a grand example of Kraft's theory of the artistic adjustment of nature. She belonged, largely, to waiting, as Minerva did to the art of scrapping10, or Venus to the science of serious flirtation11. Pedestalled and in bronze she might have stood with the noblest of her heroic sisters as "Liver-and-Bacon Enlivening the World." She belonged to Cypher's. You expected to see her colossal12 figure loom13 through that reeking14 blue cloud of smoke from frying fat just as you expect the Palisades to appear through a drifting Hudson River fog. There amid the steam of vegetables and the vapours of acres of "ham and," the crash of crockery, the clatter15 of steel, the screaming of "short orders," the cries of the hungering and all the horrid16 tumult17 of feeding man, surrounded by swarms18 of the buzzing winged beasts bequeathed us by Pharaoh, Milly steered19 her magnificent way like some great liner cleaving20 among the canoes of howling savages21.
Our Goddess of Grub was built on lines so majestic22 that they could be followed only with awe23. Her sleeves were always rolled above her elbows. She could have taken us three musketeers in her two hands and dropped us out of the window. She had seen fewer years than any of us, but she was of such superb Evehood and simplicity24 that she mothered us from the beginning. Cypher's store of eatables she poured out upon us with royal indifference25 to price and quantity, as from a cornucopia26 that knew no exhaustion27. Her voice rang like a great silver bell; her smile was many-toothed and frequent; she seemed like a yellow sunrise on mountain tops. I never saw her but I thought of the Yosemite. And yet, somehow, I could never think of her as existing outside of Cypher's. There nature had placed her, and she had taken root and grown mightily28. She seemed happy, and took her few poor dollars on Saturday nights with the flushed pleasure of a child that receives an unexpected donation.
It was Kraft who first voiced the fear that each of us must have held latently. It came up apropos29, of course, of certain questions of art at which we were hammering.
One of us compared the harmony existing between a Haydn symphony and pistache ice cream to the exquisite30 congruity31 between Milly and Cypher's.
"There is a certain fate hanging over Milly," said Kraft, "and if it overtakes her she is lost to Cypher's and to us."
"She will grow fat? "asked Judkins, fearsomely.
"She will go to night school and become refined?" I ventured anxiously.
"It is this," said Kraft, punctuating32 in a puddle33 of spilled coffee with a stiff forefinger34. "Caesar had his Brutus--the cotton has its boliworm, the chorus girl has her Pittsburger, the summer boarder has his poison ivy35, the hero has his Carnegie medal, art has its Morgan, the rose has its--"
"Speak," I interrupted, much perturbed36. "You do not think that Milly will begin to lace?"
"One day," concluded Kraft, solemnly, "there will come to Cypher's for a plate of beans a millionaire lumberman from Wisconsin, and he will marry Milly."
"Never!" exclaimed Judkins and T, in horror.
"A lumberman," repeated Kraft, hoarsely37.
"And a millionaire lumberman!" I sighed, despairingly.
"From Wisconsin!" groaned38 Judkins.
We agreed that the awful fate seemed to menace her. Few things were less improbable. Milly, like some vast virgin39 stretch of pine woods, was made to catch the lumberman's eye. And well we knew the habits of the Badgers40, once fortune smiled upon them. Straight to New York they hie, and lay their goods at the feet of the girl who serves them beans in a beanery. Why, the alphabet itself connives41. The Sunday newspaper's headliner's work is cut for him.
"Winsome42 Waitress Wins Wealthy Wisconsin Woodsman.
For a while we felt that Milly was on the verge43 of being lost to us.
It was our love of the Unerring Artistic Adjustment of Nature that inspired us. We could not give her over to a lumberman, doubly accursed by wealth and provincialism.
We shuddered44 to think of Milly, with her voice modulated45 and her elbows covered, pouring tea in the marble teepee of a tree murderer. No! In Cypher's she belonged--in the bacon smoke, the cabbage perfume, the grand, Wagnerian chorus of hurled46 ironstone china and rattling47 casters.
Our fears must have been prophetic, for on that same evening the wildwood discharged upon us Milly's preordained confiscator--our fee to adjustment and order. But Alaska and not Wisconsin bore the burden of the visitation.
We were at our supper of beef stew48 and dried apples when he trotted49 in as if on the heels of a dog team, and made one of the mess at our table. With the freedom of the camps he assaulted our ears and claimed the fellowship of men lost in the wilds of a hash house. We embraced him as a specimen50, and in three minutes we had all but died for one another as friends.
He was rugged51 and bearded and wind-dried. He had just come off the "trail," he said, at one of the North River ferries. I fancied I could see the snow dust of Chilcoot yet powdering his shoulders. And then he strewed52 the table with the nuggets, stuffed ptarmigans, bead53 work and seal pelts54 of the returned Kiondiker, and began to prate55 to us of his millions.
"Bank drafts for two millions," was his summing up, "and a thousand a day piling up from my claims. And now I want some beef stew and canned peaches. I never got off the train since I mushed out of Seattle, and I'm hungry. The stuff the niggers feed you on Pullmans don't count. You gentlemen order what you want."
And then Milly loomed56 up with a thousand dishes on her bare arm-- loomed up big and white and pink and awful as Mount Saint Elias--with a smile like day breaking in a gulch57. And the Kiondiker threw down his pelts and nuggets as dross58, and let his jaw59 fall half-way, and stared at her. You could almost see the diamond tiaras on Milly's brow and the hand-embroidered silk Paris gowns that he meant to buy for her.
At last the bollworm had attacked the cotton--the poison ivy was reaching out its tendrils to entwine the summer boarder--the millionaire lumberman, thinly disguised as the Alaskan miner, was about to engulf60 our Milly and upset Nature's adjustment.
Kraft was the first to act. He leaped up and pounded the Klondiker's back. "Come out and drink," he shouted. "Drink first and eat afterward61." Judkins seized one arm and I the other. Gaily62, roaringly, irresistibly63, in jolly-good-fellow style, we dragged him from the restaurant to a cafe, stuffing his pockets with his embalmed64 birds and indigestible nuggets.
There he rumbled65 a roughly good-humoured protest. "That's the girl for my money," he declared. "She can eat out of my skillet the rest of her life. Why, I never see such a fine girl. I'm going back there and ask her to marry me. I guess she won't want to sling66 hash any more when she sees the pile of dust I've got."
"You'll take another whiskey and milk now," Kraft persuaded, with Satan's smile. "I thought you up-country fellows were better sports."
Kraft spent his puny67 store of coin at the bar and then gave Judkins and me such an appealing look that we went down to the last dime68 we had in toasting our guest.
Then, when our ammunition69 was gone and the Klondiker, still somewhat sober, began to babble70 again of Milly, Kraft whispered into his ear such a polite, barbed insult relating to people who were miserly with their funds, that the miner crashed down handful after handful of silver and notes, calling for all the fluids in the world to drown the imputation71.
Thus the work was accomplished72. With his own guns we drove him from the field. And then we had him carted to a distant small hotel and put to bed with his nuggets and baby seal-skins stuffed around him.
"He will never find Cypher's again," said Kraft. "He will propose to the first white apron73 he sees in a dairy restaurant to-morrow. And Milly--I mean the Natural Adjustment--is saved!"
And back to Cypher's went we three, and, finding customers scarce, we joined hands and did an Indian dance with Milly in the centre.
This, I say, happened three years ago. And about that time a little luck descended74 upon us three, and we were enabled to buy costlier75 and less wholesome76 food than Cypher's. Our paths separated, and I saw Kraft no more and Judkins seldom.
But, as I said, I saw a painting the other day that was sold for $5,000. The title was "Boadicea," and the figure seemed to fill all out-of-doors. But of all the
picture's admirers who stood before it, I believe I was the only one who longed for Boadicea to stalk from her frame, bringing me corned-beef hash with poached egg.
I hurried away to see Kraft. His satanic eyes were the same, his hair was worse tangled77, but his clothes had been made by a tailor.
"I didn't know," I said to him.
"We've bought a cottage in the Bronx with the money," said he. "Any evening at 7."
"Then," said I, "when you led us against the lumberman--the-- Klondiker--it wasn't altogether on account of the Unerring Artistic Adjustment of Nature?"
"Well, not altogether," said Kraft, with a grin.
1 artistic | |
adj.艺术(家)的,美术(家)的;善于艺术创作的 | |
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2 fixed | |
adj.固定的,不变的,准备好的;(计算机)固定的 | |
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3 sullenness | |
n. 愠怒, 沉闷, 情绪消沉 | |
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4 clams | |
n.蛤;蚌,蛤( clam的名词复数 )v.(在沙滩上)挖蛤( clam的第三人称单数 ) | |
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5 perch | |
n.栖木,高位,杆;v.栖息,就位,位于 | |
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6 rendering | |
n.表现,描写 | |
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7 opaque | |
adj.不透光的;不反光的,不传导的;晦涩的 | |
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8 unpaid | |
adj.未付款的,无报酬的 | |
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9 egregious | |
adj.非常的,过分的 | |
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10 scrapping | |
刮,切除坯体余泥 | |
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11 flirtation | |
n.调情,调戏,挑逗 | |
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12 colossal | |
adj.异常的,庞大的 | |
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13 loom | |
n.织布机,织机;v.隐现,(危险、忧虑等)迫近 | |
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14 reeking | |
v.发出浓烈的臭气( reek的现在分词 );散发臭气;发出难闻的气味 (of sth);明显带有(令人不快或生疑的跡象) | |
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15 clatter | |
v./n.(使)发出连续而清脆的撞击声 | |
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16 horrid | |
adj.可怕的;令人惊恐的;恐怖的;极讨厌的 | |
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17 tumult | |
n.喧哗;激动,混乱;吵闹 | |
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18 swarms | |
蜂群,一大群( swarm的名词复数 ) | |
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19 steered | |
v.驾驶( steer的过去式和过去分词 );操纵;控制;引导 | |
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20 cleaving | |
v.劈开,剁开,割开( cleave的现在分词 ) | |
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21 savages | |
未开化的人,野蛮人( savage的名词复数 ) | |
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22 majestic | |
adj.雄伟的,壮丽的,庄严的,威严的,崇高的 | |
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23 awe | |
n.敬畏,惊惧;vt.使敬畏,使惊惧 | |
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24 simplicity | |
n.简单,简易;朴素;直率,单纯 | |
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25 indifference | |
n.不感兴趣,不关心,冷淡,不在乎 | |
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26 cornucopia | |
n.象征丰收的羊角 | |
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27 exhaustion | |
n.耗尽枯竭,疲惫,筋疲力尽,竭尽,详尽无遗的论述 | |
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28 mightily | |
ad.强烈地;非常地 | |
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29 apropos | |
adv.恰好地;adj.恰当的;关于 | |
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30 exquisite | |
adj.精美的;敏锐的;剧烈的,感觉强烈的 | |
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31 congruity | |
n.全等,一致 | |
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32 punctuating | |
v.(在文字中)加标点符号,加标点( punctuate的现在分词 );不时打断某事物 | |
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33 puddle | |
n.(雨)水坑,泥潭 | |
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34 forefinger | |
n.食指 | |
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35 ivy | |
n.常青藤,常春藤 | |
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36 perturbed | |
adj.烦燥不安的v.使(某人)烦恼,不安( perturb的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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37 hoarsely | |
adv.嘶哑地 | |
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38 groaned | |
v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 );发牢骚;抱怨;受苦 | |
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39 virgin | |
n.处女,未婚女子;adj.未经使用的;未经开发的 | |
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40 badgers | |
n.獾( badger的名词复数 );獾皮;(大写)獾州人(美国威斯康星州人的别称);毛鼻袋熊 | |
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41 connives | |
v.密谋 ( connive的第三人称单数 );搞阴谋;默许;纵容 | |
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42 winsome | |
n.迷人的,漂亮的 | |
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43 verge | |
n.边,边缘;v.接近,濒临 | |
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44 shuddered | |
v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 );发抖;(机器、车辆等)突然震动;颤动 | |
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45 modulated | |
已调整[制]的,被调的 | |
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46 hurled | |
v.猛投,用力掷( hurl的过去式和过去分词 );大声叫骂 | |
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47 rattling | |
adj. 格格作响的, 活泼的, 很好的 adv. 极其, 很, 非常 动词rattle的现在分词 | |
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48 stew | |
n.炖汤,焖,烦恼;v.炖汤,焖,忧虑 | |
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49 trotted | |
小跑,急走( trot的过去分词 ); 匆匆忙忙地走 | |
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50 specimen | |
n.样本,标本 | |
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51 rugged | |
adj.高低不平的,粗糙的,粗壮的,强健的 | |
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52 strewed | |
v.撒在…上( strew的过去式和过去分词 );散落于;点缀;撒满 | |
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53 bead | |
n.念珠;(pl.)珠子项链;水珠 | |
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54 pelts | |
n. 皮毛,投掷, 疾行 vt. 剥去皮毛,(连续)投掷 vi. 猛击,大步走 | |
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55 prate | |
v.瞎扯,胡说 | |
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56 loomed | |
v.隐约出现,阴森地逼近( loom的过去式和过去分词 );隐约出现,阴森地逼近 | |
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57 gulch | |
n.深谷,峡谷 | |
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58 dross | |
n.渣滓;无用之物 | |
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59 jaw | |
n.颚,颌,说教,流言蜚语;v.喋喋不休,教训 | |
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60 engulf | |
vt.吞没,吞食 | |
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61 afterward | |
adv.后来;以后 | |
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62 gaily | |
adv.欢乐地,高兴地 | |
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63 irresistibly | |
adv.无法抵抗地,不能自持地;极为诱惑人地 | |
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64 embalmed | |
adj.用防腐药物保存(尸体)的v.保存(尸体)不腐( embalm的过去式和过去分词 );使不被遗忘;使充满香气 | |
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65 rumbled | |
发出隆隆声,发出辘辘声( rumble的过去式和过去分词 ); 轰鸣着缓慢行进; 发现…的真相; 看穿(阴谋) | |
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66 sling | |
vt.扔;悬挂;n.挂带;吊索,吊兜;弹弓 | |
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67 puny | |
adj.微不足道的,弱小的 | |
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68 dime | |
n.(指美国、加拿大的钱币)一角 | |
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69 ammunition | |
n.军火,弹药 | |
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70 babble | |
v.含糊不清地说,胡言乱语地说,儿语 | |
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71 imputation | |
n.归罪,责难 | |
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72 accomplished | |
adj.有才艺的;有造诣的;达到了的 | |
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73 apron | |
n.围裙;工作裙 | |
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74 descended | |
a.为...后裔的,出身于...的 | |
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75 costlier | |
adj.昂贵的( costly的比较级 );代价高的;引起困难的;造成损失的 | |
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76 wholesome | |
adj.适合;卫生的;有益健康的;显示身心健康的 | |
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77 tangled | |
adj. 纠缠的,紊乱的 动词tangle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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