"The dispositions1 of woman," said Jeff Peters, after various opinions on the subject had been advanced, "run, regular, to diversions. What a woman wants is what you're out of. She wants more of a thing when it's scarce. She likes to have souvenirs of things that never happened. She likes to be reminded of things she never heard of. A one-sided view of objects is disjointing to the female composition.
"'Tis a misfortune of mine, begotten2 by nature and travel," continued Jeff, looking thoughtfully between his elevated feet at the grocery stove, "to look deeper into some subjects than most people do. I've breathed gasoline smoke talking to street crowds in nearly every town in the United States. I've held 'em spellbound with music, oratory4, sleight5 of hand, and prevarications, while I've sold 'em jewelry6, medicine, soap, hair tonic7, and junk of other nominations8. And during my travels, as a matter of recreation and expiation9, I've taken cognisance some of women. It takes a man a lifetime to find out about one particular woman; but if he puts in, say, ten years, industrious10 and curious, he can acquire the general rudiments11 of the sex. One lesson I picked up was when I was working the West with a line of Brazilian diamonds and a patent fire kindler12 just after my trip from Savannah down through the cotton belt with Dalby's Anti-explosive Lamp Oil Powder. 'Twas when the Oklahoma country was in first bloom. Guthrie was rising in the middle of it like a lump of self-raising dough13. It was a boom town of the regular kind--you stood in line to get a chance to wash your face; if you ate over ten minutes you had a lodging14 bill added on; if you slept on a plank15 at night they charged it to you as board the next morning.
"By nature and doctrines16 I am addicted17 to the habit of discovering choice places wherein to feed. So I looked around and found a proposition that exactly cut the mustard. I found a restaurant tent just opened up by an outfit18 that had drifted in on the tail of the boom. They had knocked together a box house, where they lived and did the cooking, and served the meals in a tent pitched against the side. That tent was joyful19 with placards on it calculated to redeem20 the world-worn pilgrim from the sinfulness of boarding houses and pick-me- up hotels. 'Try Mother's Home-Made Biscuits,' 'What's the Matter with Our Apple Dumplings and Hard Sauce?' 'Hot Cakes and Maple21 Syrup22 Like You Ate When a Boy,' 'Our Fried Chicken Never Was Heard to Crow'-- there was literature doomed23 to please the digestions24 of man! I said to myself that mother's wandering boy should munch25 there that night. And so it came to pass. And there is where I contracted my case of Mame Dugan.
"Old Man Dugan was six feet by one of Indiana loafer, and he spent his time sitting on his shoulder blades in a rocking-chair in the shanty26 memorialising the great corn-crop failure of '96. Ma Dugan did the cooking, and Mame waited on the table.
"As soon as I saw Mame I knew there was a mistake in the census27 reports. There wasn't but one girl in the United States. When you come to specifications28 it isn't easy. She was about the size of an angel, and she had eyes, and ways about her. When you come to the kind of a girl she was, you'll find a belt of 'em reaching from the Brooklyn Bridge west as far as the courthouse in Council Bluffs29, Ia. They earn their own living in stores, restaurants, factories, and offices. They're chummy and honest and free and tender and sassy, and they look life straight in the eye. They've met man face to face, and discovered that he's a poor creature. They've dropped to it that the reports in the Seaside Library about his being a fairy prince lack confirmation30.
"Mame was that sort. She was full of life and fun, and breezy; she passed the repartee31 with the boarders quick as a wink32; you'd have smothered33 laughing. I am disinclined to make excavations34 into the insides of a personal affection. I am glued to the theory that the diversions and discrepancies35 of the indisposition known as love should be as private a sentiment as a toothbrush. 'Tis my opinion that the biographies of the heart should be confined with the historical romances of the liver to the advertising36 pages of the magazines. So, you'll excuse the lack of an itemised bill of my feelings toward Mame.
"Pretty soon I got a regular habit of dropping into the tent to eat at irregular times when there wasn't so many around. Mame would sail in with a smile, in a black dress and white apron37, and say: 'Hello, Jeff --why don't you come at mealtime? Want to see how much trouble you can be, of course. Friedchickenbeefsteakporkchopshamandeggspotpie'--and so on. She called me Jeff, but there was no significations attached. Designations was all she meant. The front names of any of us she used as they came to hand. I'd eat about two meals before I left, and string 'em out like a society spread where they changed plates and wives, and josh one another festively38 between bites. Mame stood for it, pleasant, for it wasn't up to her to take any canvas off the tent by declining dollars just because they were whipped in after meal times.
"It wasn't long until there was another fellow named Ed Collier got the between-meals affliction, and him and me put in bridges between breakfast and dinner, and dinner and supper, that made a three-ringed circus of that tent, and Mame's turn as waiter a continuous performance. That Collier man was saturated39 with designs and contrivings. He was in well-boring or insurance or claim-jumping, or something--I've forgotten which. He was a man well lubricated with gentility, and his words were such as recommended you to his point of view. So, Collier and me infested40 the grub tent with care and activity. Mame was level full of impartiality41. 'Twas like a casino hand the way she dealt out her favours--one to Collier and one to me and one to the board, and not a card up her sleeve.
"Me and Collier naturally got acquainted, and gravitated together some on the outside. Divested42 of his stratagems43, he seemed to be a pleasant chap, full of an amiable44 sort of hostility45.
"'I notice you have an affinity46 for grubbing in the banquet hall after the guests have fled,' says I to him one day, to draw his conclusions.
"'Well, yes,' says Collier, reflecting; 'the tumult47 of a crowded board seems to harass48 my sensitive nerves.'
"'It exasperates49 mine some, too,' says I. 'Nice little girl, don't you think?'
"'I see,' says Collier, laughing. 'Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that she doesn't seem to displease50 the optic nerve.'
"'She's a joy to mine,' says I, 'and I'm going after her. Notice is hereby served.'
"'I'll be as candid51 as you,' admits Collier, 'and if the drug stores don't run out of pepsin I'll give you a run for your money that'll leave you a dyspeptic at the wind-up.'
"So Collier and me begins the race; the grub department lays in new supplies; Mame waits on us, jolly and kind and agreeable, and it looks like an even break, with Cupid and the cook working overtime52 in Dugan's restaurant.
"'Twas one night in September when I got Mame to take a walk after supper when the things were all cleared away. We strolled out a distance and sat on a pile of lumber53 at the edge of town. Such opportunities was seldom, so I spoke54 my piece, explaining how the Brazilian diamonds and the fire kindler were laying up sufficient treasure to guarantee the happiness of two, and that both of 'em together couldn't equal the light from somebody's eyes, and that the name of Dugan should be changed to Peters, or reasons why not would be in order.
"Mame didn't say anything right away. Directly she gave a kind of shudder55, and I began to learn something.
"'Jeff,' she says, 'I'm sorry you spoke. I like you as well as any of them, but there isn't a man in the world I'd ever marry, and there never will be. Do you know what a man is in my eye? He's a tomb. He's a sarcophagus for the interment of Beafsteakporkchopsliver'nbaconham- andeggs. He's that and nothing more. For two years I've watched men eat, eat, eat, until they represent nothing on earth to me but ruminant bipeds. They're absolutely nothing but something that goes in front of a knife and fork and plate at the table. They're fixed56 that way in my mind and memory. I've tried to overcome it, but I can't. I've heard girls rave3 about their sweethearts, but I never could understand it. A man and a sausage grinder and a pantry awake in me exactly the same sentiments. I went to a matinee once to see an actor the girls were crazy about. I got interested enough to wonder whether he liked his steak rare, medium, or well done, and his eggs over or straight up. That was all. No, Jeff; I'll marry no man and see him sit at the breakfast table and eat, and come back to dinner and eat, and happen in again at supper to eat, eat, eat.'
"'But, Mame,' says I, 'it'll wear off. You've had too much of it. You'll marry some time, of course. Men don't eat always.'
"'As far as my observation goes, they do. No, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.' Mame turns, sudden, to animation57 and bright eyes. 'There's a girl named Susie Foster in Terre Haute, a chum of mine. She waits in the railroad eating house there. I worked two years in a restaurant in that town. Susie has it worse than I do, because the men who eat at railroad stations gobble. They try to flirt58 and gobble at the same time. Whew! Susie and I have it all planned out. We're saving our money, and when we get enough we're going to buy a little cottage and five acres we know of, and live together, and grow violets for the Eastern market. A man better not bring his appetite within a mile of that ranch59.'
"'Don't girls ever--' I commenced, but Mame heads me off, sharp.
"'No, they don't. They nibble60 a little bit sometimes; that's all.'
"'I thought the confect--'
"'For goodness' sake, change the subject,' says Mame.
"As I said before, that experience puts me wise that the feminine arrangement ever struggles after deceptions61 and illusions. Take England--beef made her; wieners elevated Germany; Uncle Sam owes his greatness to fried chicken and pie, but the young ladies of the Shetalkyou schools, they'll never believe it. Shakespeare, they allow, and Rubinstein, and the Rough Riders is what did the trick.
"'Twas a situation calculated to disturb. I couldn't bear to give up Mame; and yet it pained me to think of abandoning the practice of eating. I had acquired the habit too early. For twenty-seven years I had been blindly rushing upon my fate, yielding to the insidious62 lures63 of that deadly monster, food. It was too late. I was a ruminant biped for keeps. It was lobster64 salad to a doughnut that my life was going to be blighted65 by it.
"I continued to board at the Dugan tent, hoping that Mame would relent. I had sufficient faith in true love to believe that since it has often outlived the absence of a square meal it might, in time, overcome the presence of one. I went on ministering to my fatal vice66, although I felt that each time I shoved a potato into my mouth in Mame's presence I might be burying my fondest hopes.
"I think Collier must have spoken to Mame and got the same answer, for one day he orders a cup of coffee and a cracker67, and sits nibbling68 the corner of it like a girl in the parlour, that's filled up in the kitchen, previous, on cold roast and fried cabbage. I caught on and did the same, and maybe we thought we'd made a hit! The next day we tried it again, and out comes old man Dugan fetching in his hands the fairy viands69.
"'Kinder off yer feed, ain't ye, gents?' he asks, fatherly and some sardonic70. 'Thought I'd spell Mame a bit, seein' the work was light, and my rheumatiz can stand the strain.'
"So back me and Collier had to drop to the heavy grub again. I noticed about that time that I was seized by a most uncommon71 and devastating72 appetite. I ate until Mame must have hated to see me darken the door. Afterward73 I found out that I had been made the victim of the first dark and irreligious trick played on me by Ed Collier. Him and me had been taking drinks together uptown regular, trying to drown our thirst for food. That man had bribed74 about ten bartenders to always put a big slug of Appletree's Anaconda Appetite Bitters in every one of my drinks. But the last trick he played me was hardest to forget.
"One day Collier failed to show up at the tent. A man told me he left town that morning. My only rival now was the bill of fare. A few days before he left Collier had presented me with a two-gallon jug75 of fine whisky which he said a cousin had sent him from Kentucky. I now have reason to believe that it contained Appletree's Anaconda Appetite Bitters almost exclusively. I continued to devour76 tons of provisions. In Mame's eyes I remained a mere77 biped, more ruminant than ever.
"About a week after Collier pulled his freight there came a kind of side-show to town, and hoisted78 a tent near the railroad. I judged it was a sort of fake museum and curiosity business. I called to see Mame one night, and Ma Dugan said that she and Thomas, her younger brother, had gone to the show. That same thing happened for three nights that week. Saturday night I caught her on the way coming back, and got to sit on the steps a while and talk to her. I noticed she looked different. Her eyes were softer, and shiny like. Instead of a Mame Dugan to fly from the voracity79 of man and raise violets, she seemed to be a Mame more in line as God intended her, approachable, and suited to bask80 in the light of the Brazilians and the Kindler.
"'You seem to be right smart inveigled,' says I, 'with the Unparalleled Exhibition of the World's Living Curiosities and Wonders.'
"'It's a change,' says Mame.
"'You'll need another,' says I, 'if you keep on going every night.'
"'Don't be cross, Jeff,' says she; 'it takes my mind off business.'
"'Don't the curiosities eat?' I ask.
"'Not all of them. Some of them are wax.'
"'Look out, then, that you don't get stuck,' says I, kind of flip81 and foolish.
"Mame blushed. I didn't know what to think about her. My hopes raised some that perhaps my attentions had palliated man's awful crime of visibly introducing nourishment82 into his system. She talked some about the stars, referring to them with respect and politeness, and I drivelled a quantity about united hearts, homes made bright by true affection, and the Kindler. Mame listened without scorn, and I says to myself, 'Jeff, old man, you're removing the hoodoo that has clung to the consumer of victuals83; you're setting your heel upon the serpent that lurks84 in the gravy85 bowl.'
"Monday night I drop around. Mame is at the Unparalleled Exhibition with Thomas.
"'Now, may the curse of the forty-one seven-sided sea cooks,' says I, 'and the bad luck of the nine impenitent86 grasshoppers87 rest upon this self-same sideshow at once and forever more. Amen. I'll go to see it myself to-morrow night and investigate its baleful charm. Shall man that was made to inherit the earth be bereft88 of his sweetheart first by a knife and fork and then by a ten-cent circus?'
"The next night before starting out for the exhibition tent I inquire and find out that Mame is not at home. She is not at the circus with Thomas this time, for Thomas waylays89 me in the grass outside of the grub tent with a scheme of his own before I had time to eat supper.
"'What'll you give me, Jeff,' says he, 'if I tell you something?'
"'The value of it, son,' I says.
"'Sis is stuck on a freak,' says Thomas, 'one of the side-show freaks. I don't like him. She does. I overheard 'em talking. Thought maybe you'd like to know. Say, Jeff, does it put you wise two dollars' worth? There's a target rifle up town that--'
"I frisked my pockets and commenced to dribble90 a stream of halves and quarters into Thomas's hat. The information was of the pile-driver system of news, and it telescoped my intellects for a while. While I was leaking small change and smiling foolish on the outside, and suffering disturbances91 internally, I was saying, idiotically and pleasantly:
"'Thank you, Thomas--thank you--er--a freak, you said, Thomas. Now, could you make out the monstrosity's entitlements a little clearer, if you please, Thomas?'
"'This is the fellow,' says Thomas, pulling out a yellow handbill from his pocket and shoving it under my nose. 'He's the Champion Faster of the Universe. I guess that's why Sis got soft on him. He don't eat nothing. He's going to fast forty-nine days. This is the sixth. That's him.'
"I looked at the name Thomas pointed92 out--'Professor Eduardo Collieri.' 'Ah!' says I, in admiration93, 'that's not so bad, Ed Collier. I give you credit for the trick. But I don't give you the girl until she's Mrs. Freak.'
"I hit the sod in the direction of the show. I came up to the rear of the tent, and, as I did so, a man wiggled out like a snake from under the bottom of the canvas, scrambled96 to his feet, and ran into me like a locoed bronco. I gathered him by the neck and investigated him by the light of the stars. It is Professor Eduardo Collieri, in human habiliments, with a desperate look in one eye and impatience97 in the other.
"'Hello, Curiosity,' says I. 'Get still a minute and let's have a look at your freakship. How do you like being the willopus-wallopus or the bim-bam from Borneo, or whatever name you are denounced by in the side-show business?'
"'Jeff Peters,' says Collier, in a weak voice. 'Turn me loose, or I'll slug you one. I'm in the extremest kind of a large hurry. Hands off!'
"'Tut, tut, Eddie,' I answers, holding him hard; 'let an old friend gaze on the exhibition of your curiousness. It's an eminent98 graft99 you fell onto, my son. But don't speak of assaults and battery, because you're not fit. The best you've got is a lot of nerve and a mighty100 empty stomach.' And so it was. The man was as weak as a vegetarian101 cat.
"'I'd argue this case with you, Jeff,' says he, regretful in his style, 'for an unlimited102 number of rounds if I had half an hour to train in and a slab103 of beefsteak two feet square to train with. Curse the man, I say, that invented the art of going foodless. May his soul in eternity104 be chained up within two feet of a bottomless pit of red- hot hash. I'm abandoning the conflict, Jeff; I'm deserting to the enemy. You'll find Miss Dugan inside contemplating105 the only living mummy and the informed hog106. She's a fine girl, Jeff. I'd have beat you out if I could have kept up the grubless habit a little while longer. You'll have to admit that the fasting dodge107 was aces-up for a while. I figured it out that way. But say, Jeff, it's said that love makes the world go around. Let me tell you, the announcement lacks verification. It's the wind from the dinner horn that does it. I love that Mame Dugan. I've gone six days without food in order to coincide with her sentiments. Only one bite did I have. That was when I knocked the tattooed108 man down with a war club and got a sandwich he was gobbling. The manager fined me all my salary; but salary wasn't what I was after. 'Twas that girl. I'd give my life for her, but I'd endanger my immortal109 soul for a beef stew110. Hunger is a horrible thing, Jeff. Love and business and family and religion and art and patriotism111 are nothing but shadows of words when a man's starving!'
"In such language Ed Collier discoursed112 to me, pathetic. I gathered the diagnosis113 that his affections and his digestions had been implicated114 in a scramble95 and the commissary had won out. I never disliked Ed Collier. I searched my internal admonitions of suitable etiquette115 to see if I could find a remark of a consoling nature, but there was none convenient.
"'I'd be glad, now,' says Ed, 'if you'll let me go. I've been hard hit, but I'll hit the ration94 supply harder. I'm going to clean out every restaurant in town. I'm going to wade116 waist deep in sirloins and swim in ham and eggs. It's an awful thing, Jeff Peters, for a man to come to this pass--to give up his girl for something to eat--it's worse than that man Esau, that swapped117 his copyright for a partridge-- but then, hunger's a fierce thing. You'll excuse me, now, Jeff, for I smell a pervasion118 of ham frying in the distance, and my legs are crying out to stampede in that direction.'
"'A hearty119 meal to you, Ed Collier,' I says to him, 'and no hard feelings. For myself, I am projected to be an unseldom eater, and I have condolence for your predicaments.'
"There was a sudden big whiff of frying ham smell on the breeze; and the Champion Faster gives a snort and gallops120 off in the dark toward fodder121.
"I wish some of the cultured outfit that are always advertising the extenuating122 circumstances of love and romance had been there to see. There was Ed Collier, a fine man full of contrivances and flirtations, abandoning the girl of his heart and ripping out into the contiguous territory in the pursuit of sordid123 grub. 'Twas a rebuke124 to the poets and a slap at the best-paying element of fiction. An empty stomach is a sure antidote125 to an overfull heart.
"I was naturally anxious to know how far Mame was infatuated with Collier and his stratagems. I went inside the Unparalleled Exhibition, and there she was. She looked surprised to see me, but unguilty.
"'It's an elegant evening outside,' says I. 'The coolness is quite nice and gratifying, and the stars are lined out, first class, up where they belong. Wouldn't you shake these by-products of the animal kingdom long enough to take a walk with a common human who never was on a programme in his life?'
"Mame gave a sort of sly glance around, and I knew what that meant.
"'Oh,' says I, 'I hate to tell you; but the curiosity that lives on wind has flew the coop. He just crawled out under the tent. By this time he has amalgamated126 himself with half the delicatessen truck in town.'
"'You mean Ed Collier?' says Mame.
"'I do,' I answers; 'and a pity it is that he has gone back to crime again. I met him outside the tent, and he exposed his intentions of devastating the food crop of the world. 'Tis enormously sad when one's ideal descends127 from his pedestal to make a seventeen-year locust128 of himself.'
"Mame looked me straight in the eye until she had corkscrewed my reflections.
"'Jeff,' says she, 'it isn't quite like you to talk that way. I don't care to hear Ed Collier ridiculed129. A man may do ridiculous things, but they don't look ridiculous to the girl he does 'em for. That was one man in a hundred. He stopped eating just to please me. I'd be hard- hearted and ungrateful if I didn't feel kindly130 toward him. Could you do what he did?'
"'I know,' says I, seeing the point, 'I'm condemned131. I can't help it. The brand of the consumer is upon my brow. Mrs. Eve settled that business for me when she made the dicker with the snake. I fell from the fire into the frying-pan. I guess I'm the Champion Feaster of the Universe.' I spoke humble132, and Mame mollified herself a little.
"'Ed Collier and I are good friends,' she said, 'the same as me and you. I gave him the same answer I did you--no marrying for me. I liked to be with Ed and talk with him. There was something mighty pleasant to me in the thought that here was a man who never used a knife and fork, and all for my sake.'
"'Wasn't you in love with him?' I asks, all injudicious. 'Wasn't there a deal on for you to become Mrs. Curiosity?'
"All of us do it sometimes. All of us get jostled out of the line of profitable talk now and then. Mame put on that little lemon glace smile that runs between ice and sugar, and says, much too pleasant: 'You're short on credentials133 for asking that question, Mr. Peters. Suppose you do a forty-nine day fast, just to give you ground to stand on, and then maybe I'll answer it.'
"So, even after Collier was kidnapped out of the way by the revolt of his appetite, my own prospects134 with Mame didn't seem to be improved. And then business played out in Guthrie.
"I had stayed too long there. The Brazilians I had sold commenced to show signs of wear, and the Kindler refused to light up right frequent on wet mornings. There is always a time, in my business, when the star of success says, 'Move on to the next town.' I was travelling by wagon135 at that time so as not to miss any of the small towns; so I hitched136 up a few days later and went down to tell Mame good-bye. I wasn't abandoning the game; I intended running over to Oklahoma City and work it for a week or two. Then I was coming back to institute fresh proceedings137 against Mame.
"What do I find at the Dugans' but Mame all conspicuous138 in a blue travelling dress, with her little trunk at the door. It seems that sister Lottie Bell, who is a typewriter in Terre Haute, is going to be married next Thursday, and Mame is off for a week's visit to be an accomplice139 at the ceremony. Mame is waiting for a freight wagon that is going to take her to Oklahoma, but I condemns140 the freight wagon with promptness and scorn, and offers to deliver the goods myself. Ma Dugan sees no reason why not, as Mr. Freighter wants pay for the job; so, thirty minutes later Mame and I pull out in my light spring wagon with white canvas cover, and head due south.
"That morning was of a praiseworthy sort. The breeze was lively, and smelled excellent of flowers and grass, and the little cottontail rabbits entertained themselves with skylarking across the road. My two Kentucky bays went for the horizon until it come sailing in so fast you wanted to dodge it like a clothesline. Mame was full of talk and rattled141 on like a kid about her old home and her school pranks142 and the things she liked and the hateful ways of those Johnson girls just across the street, 'way up in Indiana. Not a word was said about Ed Collier or victuals or such solemn subjects. About noon Mame looks and finds that the lunch she had put up in a basket had been left behind. I could have managed quite a collation143, but Mame didn't seem to be grieving over nothing to eat, so I made no lamentations. It was a sore subject with me, and I ruled provender144 in all its branches out of my conversation.
"I am minded to touch light on explanations how I came to lose the way. The road was dim and well grown with grass; and there was Mame by my side confiscating145 my intellects and attention. The excuses are good or they are not, as they may appear to you. But I lost it, and at dusk that afternoon, when we should have been in Oklahoma City, we were seesawing146 along the edge of nowhere in some undiscovered river bottom, and the rain was falling in large, wet bunches. Down there in the swamps we saw a little log house on a small knoll147 of high ground. The bottom grass and the chaparral and the lonesome timber crowded all around it. It seemed to be a melancholy148 little house, and you felt sorry for it. 'Twas that house for the night, the way I reasoned it. I explained to Mame, and she leaves it to me to decide. She doesn't become galvanic and prosecuting149, as most women would, but she says it's all right; she knows I didn't mean to do it.
"We found the house was deserted150. It had two empty rooms. There was a little shed in the yard where beasts had once been kept. In a loft151 of it was a lot of old hay. I put my horses in there and gave them some of it, for which they looked at me sorrowful, expecting apologies. The rest of the hay I carried into the house by armfuls, with a view to accommodations. I also brought in the patent kindler and the Brazilians, neither of which are guaranteed against the action of water.
"Mame and I sat on the wagon seats on the floor, and I lit a lot of the kindler on the hearth152, for the night was chilly153. If I was any judge, that girl enjoyed it. It was a change for her. It gave her a different point of view. She laughed and talked, and the kindler made a dim light compared to her eyes. I had a pocketful of cigars, and as far as I was concerned there had never been any fall of man. We were at the same old stand in the Garden of Eden. Out there somewhere in the rain and the dark was the river of Zion, and the angel with the flaming sword had not yet put up the keep-off-the-grass sign. I opened up a gross or two of the Brazilians and made Mame put them on--rings, brooches, necklaces, eardrops, bracelets154, girdles, and lockets. She flashed and sparkled like a million-dollar princess until she had pink spots in her cheeks and almost cried for a looking-glass.
"When it got late I made a fine bunk155 on the floor for Mame with the hay and my lap robes and blankets out of the wagon, and persuaded her to lie down. I sat in the other room burning tobacco and listening to the pouring rain and meditating156 on the many vicissitudes157 that came to a man during the seventy years or so immediately preceding his funeral.
"I must have dozed158 a little while before morning, for my eyes were shut, and when I opened them it was daylight, and there stood Mame with her hair all done up neat and correct, and her eyes bright with admiration of existence.
"'Gee159 whiz, Jeff!' she exclaims, 'but I'm hungry. I could eat a--'
"I looked up and caught her eye. Her smile went back in and she gave me a cold look of suspicion. Then I laughed, and laid down on the floor to laugh easier. It seemed funny to me. By nature and geniality160 I am a hearty laugher, and I went the limit. When I came to, Mame was sitting with her back to me, all contaminated with dignity.
"'Don't be angry, Mame,' I says, 'for I couldn't help it. It's the funny way you've done up your hair. If you could only see it!'
"'You needn't tell stories, sir,' said Mame, cool and advised. 'My hair is all right. I know what you were laughing about. Why, Jeff, look outside,' she winds up, peeping through a chink between the logs. I opened the little wooden window and looked out. The entire river bottom was flooded, and the knob of land on which the house stood was an island in the middle of a rushing stream of yellow water a hundred yards wide. And it was still raining hard. All we could do was to stay there till the doves brought in the olive branch.
"I am bound to admit that conversations and amusements languished161 during that day. I was aware that Mame was getting a too prolonged one-sided view of things again, but I had no way to change it. Personally, I was wrapped up in the desire to eat. I had hallucinations of hash and visions of ham, and I kept saying to myself all the time, 'What'll you have to eat, Jeff?--what'll you order now, old man, when the waiter comes?' I picks out to myself all sorts of favourites from the bill of fare, and imagines them coming. I guess it's that way with all hungry men. They can't get their cogitations trained on anything but something to eat. It shows that the little table with the broken-legged caster and the imitation Worcester sauce and the napkin covering up the coffee stains is the paramount162 issue, after all, instead of the question of immortality163 or peace between nations.
"I sat there, musing164 along, arguing with myself quite heated as to how I'd have my steak--with mushrooms, or a la creole. Mame was on the other seat, pensive165, her head leaning on her hand. 'Let the potatoes come home-fried,' I states in my mind, 'and brown the hash in the pan, with nine poached eggs on the side.' I felt, careful, in my own pockets to see if I could find a peanut or a grain or two of popcorn166.
"Night came on again with the river still rising and the rain still falling. I looked at Mame and I noticed that desperate look on her face that a girl always wears when she passes an ice-cream lair167. I knew that poor girl was hungry--maybe for the first time in her life. There was that anxious look in her eye that a woman has only when she has missed a meal or feels her skirt coming unfastened in the back.
"It was about eleven o'clock or so on the second night when we sat, gloomy, in our shipwrecked cabin. I kept jerking my mind away from the subject of food, but it kept flopping168 back again before I could fasten it. I thought of everything good to eat I had ever heard of. I went away back to my kidhood and remembered the hot biscuit sopped169 in sorghum170 and bacon gravy with partiality and respect. Then I trailed along up the years, pausing at green apples and salt, flapjacks and maple, lye hominy, fried chicken Old Virginia style, corn on the cob, spareribs and sweet potato pie, and wound up with Georgia Brunswick stew, which is the top notch171 of good things to eat, because it comprises 'em all.
"They say a drowning man sees a panorama172 of his whole life pass before him. Well, when a man's starving he sees the ghost of every meal he ever ate set out before him, and he invents new dishes that would make the fortune of a chef. If somebody would collect the last words of men who starved to death, they'd have to sift173 'em mighty fine to discover the sentiment, but they'd compile into a cook book that would sell into the millions.
"I guess I must have had my conscience pretty well inflicted174 with culinary meditations175, for, without intending to do so, I says, out loud, to the imaginary waiter, 'Cut it thick and have it rare, with the French fried, and six, soft-scrambled, on toast.'
"Mame turned her head quick as a wing. Her eyes were sparkling and she smiled sudden.
"'Medium for me,' she rattles176 out, 'with the Juliennes, and three, straight up. Draw one, and brown the wheats, double order to come. Oh, Jeff, wouldn't it be glorious! And then I'd like to have a half fry, and a little chicken curried177 with rice, and a cup custard with ice cream, and--'
"'Go easy,' I interrupts; 'where's the chicken liver pie, and the kidney saute on toast, and the roast lamb, and--'
"'Oh,' cuts in Mame, all excited, 'with mint sauce, and the turkey salad, and stuffed olives, and raspberry tarts178, and--'
"'Keep it going,' says I. 'Hurry up with the fried squash, and the hot corn pone179 with sweet milk, and don't forget the apple dumpling with hard sauce, and the cross-barred dew-berry pie--'
"Yes, for ten minutes we kept up that kind of restaurant repartee. We ranges up and down and backward and forward over the main trunk lines and the branches of the victual subject, and Mame leads the game, for she is apprised180 in the ramifications181 of grub, and the dishes she nominates aggravates182 my yearnings. It seems that there is a feeling that Mame will line up friendly again with food. It seems that she looks upon the obnoxious183 science of eating with less contempt than before.
"The next morning we find that the flood has subsided184. I geared up the bays, and we splashed out through the mud, some precarious185, until we found the road again. We were only a few miles wrong, and in two hours we were in Oklahoma City. The first thing we saw was a big restaurant sign, and we piled into there in a hurry. Here I finds myself sitting with Mame at table, with knives and forks and plates between us, and she not scornful, but smiling with starvation and sweetness.
"'Twas a new restaurant and well stocked. I designated a list of quotations186 from the bill of fare that made the waiter look out toward the wagon to see how many more might be coming.
"There we were, and there was the order being served. 'Twas a banquet for a dozen, but we felt like a dozen. I looked across the table at Mame and smiled, for I had recollections. Mame was looking at the table like a boy looks at his first stem-winder. Then she looked at me, straight in the face, and two big tears came in her eyes. The waiter was gone after more grub.
"'Jeff,' she says, soft like, 'I've been a foolish girl. I've looked at things from the wrong side. I never felt this way before. Men get hungry every day like this, don't they? They're big and strong, and they do the hard work of the world, and they don't eat just to spite silly waiter girls in restaurants, do they, Jeff? You said once--that is, you asked me--you wanted me to--well, Jeff, if you still care--I'd be glad and willing to have you always sitting across the table from me. Now give me something to eat, quick, please.'
"So, as I've said, a woman needs to change her point of view now and then. They get tired of the same old sights--the same old dinner table, washtub, and sewing machine. Give 'em a touch of the various--a little travel and a little rest, a little tomfoolery along with the tragedies of keeping house, a little petting after the blowing-up, a little upsetting and a little jostling around--and everybody in the game will have chips added to their stack by the play."
1 dispositions | |
安排( disposition的名词复数 ); 倾向; (财产、金钱的)处置; 气质 | |
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2 begotten | |
v.为…之生父( beget的过去分词 );产生,引起 | |
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3 rave | |
vi.胡言乱语;热衷谈论;n.热情赞扬 | |
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4 oratory | |
n.演讲术;词藻华丽的言辞 | |
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5 sleight | |
n.技巧,花招 | |
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6 jewelry | |
n.(jewllery)(总称)珠宝 | |
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7 tonic | |
n./adj.滋补品,补药,强身的,健体的 | |
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8 nominations | |
n.提名,任命( nomination的名词复数 ) | |
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9 expiation | |
n.赎罪,补偿 | |
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10 industrious | |
adj.勤劳的,刻苦的,奋发的 | |
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11 rudiments | |
n.基础知识,入门 | |
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12 kindler | |
[人名] 金德勒 | |
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13 dough | |
n.生面团;钱,现款 | |
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14 lodging | |
n.寄宿,住所;(大学生的)校外宿舍 | |
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15 plank | |
n.板条,木板,政策要点,政纲条目 | |
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16 doctrines | |
n.教条( doctrine的名词复数 );教义;学说;(政府政策的)正式声明 | |
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17 addicted | |
adj.沉溺于....的,对...上瘾的 | |
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18 outfit | |
n.(为特殊用途的)全套装备,全套服装 | |
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19 joyful | |
adj.欢乐的,令人欢欣的 | |
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20 redeem | |
v.买回,赎回,挽回,恢复,履行(诺言等) | |
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21 maple | |
n.槭树,枫树,槭木 | |
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22 syrup | |
n.糖浆,糖水 | |
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23 doomed | |
命定的 | |
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24 digestions | |
n.消化能力( digestion的名词复数 );消化,领悟 | |
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25 munch | |
v.用力嚼,大声咀嚼 | |
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26 shanty | |
n.小屋,棚屋;船工号子 | |
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27 census | |
n.(官方的)人口调查,人口普查 | |
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28 specifications | |
n.规格;载明;详述;(产品等的)说明书;说明书( specification的名词复数 );详细的计划书;载明;详述 | |
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29 bluffs | |
恐吓( bluff的名词复数 ); 悬崖; 峭壁 | |
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30 confirmation | |
n.证实,确认,批准 | |
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31 repartee | |
n.机敏的应答 | |
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32 wink | |
n.眨眼,使眼色,瞬间;v.眨眼,使眼色,闪烁 | |
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33 smothered | |
(使)窒息, (使)透不过气( smother的过去式和过去分词 ); 覆盖; 忍住; 抑制 | |
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34 excavations | |
n.挖掘( excavation的名词复数 );开凿;开凿的洞穴(或山路等);(发掘出来的)古迹 | |
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35 discrepancies | |
n.差异,不符合(之处),不一致(之处)( discrepancy的名词复数 ) | |
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36 advertising | |
n.广告业;广告活动 a.广告的;广告业务的 | |
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37 apron | |
n.围裙;工作裙 | |
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38 festively | |
adv.节日地,适合于节日地 | |
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39 saturated | |
a.饱和的,充满的 | |
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40 infested | |
adj.为患的,大批滋生的(常与with搭配)v.害虫、野兽大批出没于( infest的过去式和过去分词 );遍布于 | |
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41 impartiality | |
n. 公平, 无私, 不偏 | |
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42 divested | |
v.剥夺( divest的过去式和过去分词 );脱去(衣服);2。从…取去…;1。(给某人)脱衣服 | |
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43 stratagems | |
n.诡计,计谋( stratagem的名词复数 );花招 | |
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44 amiable | |
adj.和蔼可亲的,友善的,亲切的 | |
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45 hostility | |
n.敌对,敌意;抵制[pl.]交战,战争 | |
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46 affinity | |
n.亲和力,密切关系 | |
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47 tumult | |
n.喧哗;激动,混乱;吵闹 | |
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48 harass | |
vt.使烦恼,折磨,骚扰 | |
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49 exasperates | |
n.激怒,触怒( exasperate的名词复数 )v.激怒,触怒( exasperate的第三人称单数 ) | |
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50 displease | |
vt.使不高兴,惹怒;n.不悦,不满,生气 | |
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51 candid | |
adj.公正的,正直的;坦率的 | |
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52 overtime | |
adj.超时的,加班的;adv.加班地 | |
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53 lumber | |
n.木材,木料;v.以破旧东西堆满;伐木;笨重移动 | |
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54 spoke | |
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
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55 shudder | |
v.战粟,震动,剧烈地摇晃;n.战粟,抖动 | |
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56 fixed | |
adj.固定的,不变的,准备好的;(计算机)固定的 | |
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57 animation | |
n.活泼,兴奋,卡通片/动画片的制作 | |
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58 flirt | |
v.调情,挑逗,调戏;n.调情者,卖俏者 | |
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59 ranch | |
n.大牧场,大农场 | |
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60 nibble | |
n.轻咬,啃;v.一点点地咬,慢慢啃,吹毛求疵 | |
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61 deceptions | |
欺骗( deception的名词复数 ); 骗术,诡计 | |
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62 insidious | |
adj.阴险的,隐匿的,暗中为害的,(疾病)不知不觉之间加剧 | |
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63 lures | |
吸引力,魅力(lure的复数形式) | |
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64 lobster | |
n.龙虾,龙虾肉 | |
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65 blighted | |
adj.枯萎的,摧毁的 | |
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66 vice | |
n.坏事;恶习;[pl.]台钳,老虎钳;adj.副的 | |
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67 cracker | |
n.(无甜味的)薄脆饼干 | |
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68 nibbling | |
v.啃,一点一点地咬(吃)( nibble的现在分词 );啃出(洞),一点一点咬出(洞);慢慢减少;小口咬 | |
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69 viands | |
n.食品,食物 | |
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70 sardonic | |
adj.嘲笑的,冷笑的,讥讽的 | |
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71 uncommon | |
adj.罕见的,非凡的,不平常的 | |
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72 devastating | |
adj.毁灭性的,令人震惊的,强有力的 | |
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73 afterward | |
adv.后来;以后 | |
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74 bribed | |
v.贿赂( bribe的过去式和过去分词 );向(某人)行贿,贿赂 | |
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75 jug | |
n.(有柄,小口,可盛水等的)大壶,罐,盂 | |
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76 devour | |
v.吞没;贪婪地注视或谛听,贪读;使着迷 | |
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77 mere | |
adj.纯粹的;仅仅,只不过 | |
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78 hoisted | |
把…吊起,升起( hoist的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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79 voracity | |
n.贪食,贪婪 | |
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80 bask | |
vt.取暖,晒太阳,沐浴于 | |
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81 flip | |
vt.快速翻动;轻抛;轻拍;n.轻抛;adj.轻浮的 | |
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82 nourishment | |
n.食物,营养品;营养情况 | |
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83 victuals | |
n.食物;食品 | |
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84 lurks | |
n.潜在,潜伏;(lurk的复数形式)vi.潜伏,埋伏(lurk的第三人称单数形式) | |
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85 gravy | |
n.肉汁;轻易得来的钱,外快 | |
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86 impenitent | |
adj.不悔悟的,顽固的 | |
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87 grasshoppers | |
n.蚱蜢( grasshopper的名词复数 );蝗虫;蚂蚱;(孩子)矮小的 | |
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88 bereft | |
adj.被剥夺的 | |
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89 waylays | |
v.拦截,拦路( waylay的第三人称单数 ) | |
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90 dribble | |
v.点滴留下,流口水;n.口水 | |
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91 disturbances | |
n.骚乱( disturbance的名词复数 );打扰;困扰;障碍 | |
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92 pointed | |
adj.尖的,直截了当的 | |
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93 admiration | |
n.钦佩,赞美,羡慕 | |
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94 ration | |
n.定量(pl.)给养,口粮;vt.定量供应 | |
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95 scramble | |
v.爬行,攀爬,杂乱蔓延,碎片,片段,废料 | |
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96 scrambled | |
v.快速爬行( scramble的过去式和过去分词 );攀登;争夺;(军事飞机)紧急起飞 | |
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97 impatience | |
n.不耐烦,急躁 | |
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98 eminent | |
adj.显赫的,杰出的,有名的,优良的 | |
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99 graft | |
n.移植,嫁接,艰苦工作,贪污;v.移植,嫁接 | |
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100 mighty | |
adj.强有力的;巨大的 | |
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101 vegetarian | |
n.素食者;adj.素食的 | |
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102 unlimited | |
adj.无限的,不受控制的,无条件的 | |
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103 slab | |
n.平板,厚的切片;v.切成厚板,以平板盖上 | |
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104 eternity | |
n.不朽,来世;永恒,无穷 | |
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105 contemplating | |
深思,细想,仔细考虑( contemplate的现在分词 ); 注视,凝视; 考虑接受(发生某事的可能性); 深思熟虑,沉思,苦思冥想 | |
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106 hog | |
n.猪;馋嘴贪吃的人;vt.把…占为己有,独占 | |
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107 dodge | |
v.闪开,躲开,避开;n.妙计,诡计 | |
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108 tattooed | |
v.刺青,文身( tattoo的过去式和过去分词 );连续有节奏地敲击;作连续有节奏的敲击 | |
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109 immortal | |
adj.不朽的;永生的,不死的;神的 | |
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110 stew | |
n.炖汤,焖,烦恼;v.炖汤,焖,忧虑 | |
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111 patriotism | |
n.爱国精神,爱国心,爱国主义 | |
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112 discoursed | |
演说(discourse的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
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113 diagnosis | |
n.诊断,诊断结果,调查分析,判断 | |
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114 implicated | |
adj.密切关联的;牵涉其中的 | |
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115 etiquette | |
n.礼仪,礼节;规矩 | |
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116 wade | |
v.跋涉,涉水;n.跋涉 | |
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117 swapped | |
交换(工作)( swap的过去式和过去分词 ); 用…替换,把…换成,掉换(过来) | |
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118 pervasion | |
n.扩散,渗透 | |
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119 hearty | |
adj.热情友好的;衷心的;尽情的,纵情的 | |
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120 gallops | |
(马等)奔驰,骑马奔驰( gallop的名词复数 ) | |
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121 fodder | |
n.草料;炮灰 | |
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122 extenuating | |
adj.使减轻的,情有可原的v.(用偏袒的辩解或借口)减轻( extenuate的现在分词 );低估,藐视 | |
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123 sordid | |
adj.肮脏的,不干净的,卑鄙的,暗淡的 | |
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124 rebuke | |
v.指责,非难,斥责 [反]praise | |
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125 antidote | |
n.解毒药,解毒剂 | |
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126 amalgamated | |
v.(使)(金属)汞齐化( amalgamate的过去式和过去分词 );(使)合并;联合;结合 | |
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127 descends | |
v.下来( descend的第三人称单数 );下去;下降;下斜 | |
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128 locust | |
n.蝗虫;洋槐,刺槐 | |
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129 ridiculed | |
v.嘲笑,嘲弄,奚落( ridicule的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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130 kindly | |
adj.和蔼的,温和的,爽快的;adv.温和地,亲切地 | |
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131 condemned | |
adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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132 humble | |
adj.谦卑的,恭顺的;地位低下的;v.降低,贬低 | |
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133 credentials | |
n.证明,资格,证明书,证件 | |
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134 prospects | |
n.希望,前途(恒为复数) | |
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135 wagon | |
n.四轮马车,手推车,面包车;无盖运货列车 | |
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136 hitched | |
(免费)搭乘他人之车( hitch的过去式和过去分词 ); 搭便车; 攀上; 跃上 | |
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137 proceedings | |
n.进程,过程,议程;诉讼(程序);公报 | |
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138 conspicuous | |
adj.明眼的,惹人注目的;炫耀的,摆阔气的 | |
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139 accomplice | |
n.从犯,帮凶,同谋 | |
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140 condemns | |
v.(通常因道义上的原因而)谴责( condemn的第三人称单数 );宣判;宣布…不能使用;迫使…陷于不幸的境地 | |
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141 rattled | |
慌乱的,恼火的 | |
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142 pranks | |
n.玩笑,恶作剧( prank的名词复数 ) | |
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143 collation | |
n.便餐;整理 | |
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144 provender | |
n.刍草;秣料 | |
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145 confiscating | |
没收(confiscate的现在分词形式) | |
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146 seesawing | |
v.使上下(来回)摇动( seesaw的现在分词 );玩跷跷板,上下(来回)摇动 | |
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147 knoll | |
n.小山,小丘 | |
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148 melancholy | |
n.忧郁,愁思;adj.令人感伤(沮丧)的,忧郁的 | |
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149 prosecuting | |
检举、告发某人( prosecute的现在分词 ); 对某人提起公诉; 继续从事(某事物); 担任控方律师 | |
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150 deserted | |
adj.荒芜的,荒废的,无人的,被遗弃的 | |
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151 loft | |
n.阁楼,顶楼 | |
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152 hearth | |
n.壁炉炉床,壁炉地面 | |
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153 chilly | |
adj.凉快的,寒冷的 | |
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154 bracelets | |
n.手镯,臂镯( bracelet的名词复数 ) | |
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155 bunk | |
n.(车、船等倚壁而设的)铺位;废话 | |
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156 meditating | |
a.沉思的,冥想的 | |
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157 vicissitudes | |
n.变迁,世事变化;变迁兴衰( vicissitude的名词复数 );盛衰兴废 | |
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158 dozed | |
v.打盹儿,打瞌睡( doze的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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159 gee | |
n.马;int.向右!前进!,惊讶时所发声音;v.向右转 | |
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160 geniality | |
n.和蔼,诚恳;愉快 | |
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161 languished | |
长期受苦( languish的过去式和过去分词 ); 受折磨; 变得(越来越)衰弱; 因渴望而变得憔悴或闷闷不乐 | |
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162 paramount | |
a.最重要的,最高权力的 | |
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163 immortality | |
n.不死,不朽 | |
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164 musing | |
n. 沉思,冥想 adj. 沉思的, 冥想的 动词muse的现在分词形式 | |
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165 pensive | |
a.沉思的,哀思的,忧沉的 | |
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166 popcorn | |
n.爆米花 | |
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167 lair | |
n.野兽的巢穴;躲藏处 | |
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168 flopping | |
n.贬调v.(指书、戏剧等)彻底失败( flop的现在分词 );(因疲惫而)猛然坐下;(笨拙地、不由自主地或松弛地)移动或落下;砸锅 | |
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169 sopped | |
adj.湿透的,浸透的v.将(面包等)在液体中蘸或浸泡( sop的过去式和过去分词 );用海绵、布等吸起(液体等) | |
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170 sorghum | |
n.高粱属的植物,高粱糖浆,甜得发腻的东西 | |
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171 notch | |
n.(V字形)槽口,缺口,等级 | |
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172 panorama | |
n.全景,全景画,全景摄影,全景照片[装置] | |
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173 sift | |
v.筛撒,纷落,详察 | |
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174 inflicted | |
把…强加给,使承受,遭受( inflict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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175 meditations | |
默想( meditation的名词复数 ); 默念; 沉思; 冥想 | |
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176 rattles | |
(使)发出格格的响声, (使)作嘎嘎声( rattle的第三人称单数 ); 喋喋不休地说话; 迅速而嘎嘎作响地移动,堕下或走动; 使紧张,使恐惧 | |
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177 curried | |
adj.加了咖喱(或咖喱粉的),用咖哩粉调理的 | |
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178 tarts | |
n.果馅饼( tart的名词复数 );轻佻的女人;妓女;小妞 | |
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179 pone | |
n.玉米饼 | |
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180 apprised | |
v.告知,通知( apprise的过去式和过去分词 );评价 | |
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181 ramifications | |
n.结果,后果( ramification的名词复数 ) | |
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182 aggravates | |
使恶化( aggravate的第三人称单数 ); 使更严重; 激怒; 使恼火 | |
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183 obnoxious | |
adj.极恼人的,讨人厌的,可憎的 | |
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184 subsided | |
v.(土地)下陷(因在地下采矿)( subside的过去式和过去分词 );减弱;下降至较低或正常水平;一下子坐在椅子等上 | |
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185 precarious | |
adj.不安定的,靠不住的;根据不足的 | |
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186 quotations | |
n.引用( quotation的名词复数 );[商业]行情(报告);(货物或股票的)市价;时价 | |
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