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I WASN'T SURE WHAT THE HELL I WAS DOING HERE Was I trying to push myself back intothe zombie stupor1? Had I turned masochistic—developed a taste for torture? I should have gone straightdown to La Push I felt much, much healthier around Jacob This was not a healthy thing to do.
But I continued to drive slowly down the overgrown lane, twisting through the trees that arched over melike a green, living tunnel My hands were shaking, so I tightened2 my grip on the steering3 wheel.
I knew that part of the reason I did this was the nightmare, now that I was really awake, the nothingnessof the dream gnawed4 on my nerves, a dog worrying a bone.
There was something to search for. Unattainable and impossible, uncaring and distracted… but he wasout there, somewhere. I had to believe that.
The other part was the strange sense of repetition I'd felt at school today, the coincidence of the date.
The feeling that I was starting over—perhaps the way my first day would have gone if I'd really been themost unusual person in the cafeteria that afternoon.
The words ran through my head, tonelessly, like I was reading them rather than hearing them spoken:
It will be as if I'd never existed.
I was lying to myself by splitting my reason for coming here into just two parts. I didn't want to admit thestrongest motivation. Because it was mentally unsound.
The truth was that I wanted to hear his voice again, like I had in the strange delusion6 Friday night. Forthat brief moment, when his voice came from some other part of me than my conscious memory, whenhis voice was perfect and honey smooth rather than the pale echo my memories usually produced, I wasable to remember without pain. It hadn't lasted; the pain had caught up with me, as I was sure it wouldfor this fool's errand. But those precious moments when I could hear him again were an irresistible7 lure8. Ihad to find some way to repeat the experience… or maybe the better word was episode.

1
stupor
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v.昏迷;不省人事 | |
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2
tightened
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收紧( tighten的过去式和过去分词 ); (使)变紧; (使)绷紧; 加紧 | |
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3
steering
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n.操舵装置 | |
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4
gnawed
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咬( gnaw的过去式和过去分词 ); (长时间) 折磨某人; (使)苦恼; (长时间)危害某事物 | |
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spoke
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n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
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delusion
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n.谬见,欺骗,幻觉,迷惑 | |
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irresistible
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adj.非常诱人的,无法拒绝的,无法抗拒的 | |
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lure
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n.吸引人的东西,诱惑物;vt.引诱,吸引 | |
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edgy
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adj.不安的;易怒的 | |
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tangible
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adj.有形的,可触摸的,确凿的,实际的 | |
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flora
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n.(某一地区的)植物群 | |
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reclaim
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v.要求归还,收回;开垦 | |
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cedars
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雪松,西洋杉( cedar的名词复数 ) | |
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14
vampires
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n.吸血鬼( vampire的名词复数 );吸血蝠;高利贷者;(舞台上的)活板门 | |
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rumbling
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n. 隆隆声, 辘辘声 adj. 隆隆响的 动词rumble的现在分词 | |
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gaping
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adj.口的;张口的;敞口的;多洞穴的v.目瞪口呆地凝视( gape的现在分词 );张开,张大 | |
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hideously
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adv.可怕地,非常讨厌地 | |
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addiction
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n.上瘾入迷,嗜好 | |
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numbness
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n.无感觉,麻木,惊呆 | |
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standing
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n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的 | |
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obsessive
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adj. 着迷的, 强迫性的, 分神的 | |
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shrugged
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vt.耸肩(shrug的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
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wrench
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v.猛拧;挣脱;使扭伤;n.扳手;痛苦,难受 | |
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chuckled
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轻声地笑( chuckle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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tempted
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v.怂恿(某人)干不正当的事;冒…的险(tempt的过去分词) | |
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entity
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n.实体,独立存在体,实际存在物 | |
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soda
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n.苏打水;汽水 | |
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acting
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n.演戏,行为,假装;adj.代理的,临时的,演出用的 | |
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kindly
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adj.和蔼的,温和的,爽快的;adv.温和地,亲切地 | |
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aberrant
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adj.畸变的,异常的,脱离常轨的 | |
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resistant
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adj.(to)抵抗的,有抵抗力的 | |
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animated
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adj.生气勃勃的,活跃的,愉快的 | |
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wimp
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n.无用的人 | |
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casually
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adv.漠不关心地,无动于衷地,不负责任地 | |
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exuberant
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adj.充满活力的;(植物)繁茂的 | |
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devoid
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adj.全无的,缺乏的 | |
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sprawled
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v.伸开四肢坐[躺]( sprawl的过去式和过去分词);蔓延;杂乱无序地拓展;四肢伸展坐着(或躺着) | |
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scattered
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adj.分散的,稀疏的;散步的;疏疏落落的 | |
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atone
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v.赎罪,补偿 | |
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grudgingly
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sanity
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n.心智健全,神智正常,判断正确 | |
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harry
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vt.掠夺,蹂躏,使苦恼 | |
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grumbled
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抱怨( grumble的过去式和过去分词 ); 发牢骚; 咕哝; 发哼声 | |
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rumbled
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发出隆隆声,发出辘辘声( rumble的过去式和过去分词 ); 轰鸣着缓慢行进; 发现…的真相; 看穿(阴谋) | |
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unwilling
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adj.不情愿的 | |
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interspersed
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adj.[医]散开的;点缀的v.intersperse的过去式和过去分词 | |
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hemlock
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n.毒胡萝卜,铁杉 | |
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timing
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n.时间安排,时间选择 | |
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middle-aged
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adj.中年的 | |
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ledge
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n.壁架,架状突出物;岩架,岩礁 | |
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precipice
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n.悬崖,危急的处境 | |
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brink
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n.(悬崖、河流等的)边缘,边沿 | |
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stomping
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v.跺脚,践踏,重踏( stomp的现在分词 ) | |
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subconsciously
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ad.下意识地,潜意识地 | |
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spun
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v.纺,杜撰,急转身 | |
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calloused
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adj.粗糙的,粗硬的,起老茧的v.(使)硬结,(使)起茧( callous的过去式和过去分词 );(使)冷酷无情 | |
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irritation
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n.激怒,恼怒,生气 | |
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gracefully
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ad.大大方方地;优美地 | |
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eternity
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n.不朽,来世;永恒,无穷 | |
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divers
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adj.不同的;种种的 | |
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juts
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v.(使)突出( jut的第三人称单数 );伸出;(从…)突出;高出 | |
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halfway
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adj.中途的,不彻底的,部分的;adv.半路地,在中途,在半途 | |
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stunt
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n.惊人表演,绝技,特技;vt.阻碍...发育,妨碍...生长 | |
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disapproving
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adj.不满的,反对的v.不赞成( disapprove的现在分词 ) | |
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utterly
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adv.完全地,绝对地 | |
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disciples
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n.信徒( disciple的名词复数 );门徒;耶稣的信徒;(尤指)耶稣十二门徒之一 | |
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resentment
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n.怨愤,忿恨 | |
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clenched
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v.紧握,抓紧,咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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sarcastically
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adv.挖苦地,讽刺地 | |
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sarcastic
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adj.讥讽的,讽刺的,嘲弄的 | |
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soothe
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v.安慰;使平静;使减轻;缓和;奉承 | |
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followers
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追随者( follower的名词复数 ); 用户; 契据的附面; 从动件 | |
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bleak
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adj.(天气)阴冷的;凄凉的;暗淡的 | |
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unfamiliar
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adj.陌生的,不熟悉的 | |
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intimidating
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vt.恐吓,威胁( intimidate的现在分词) | |
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grimaced
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v.扮鬼相,做鬼脸( grimace的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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eyebrows
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眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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monopolizing
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v.垄断( monopolize的现在分词 );独占;专卖;专营 | |
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tempo
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n.(音乐的)速度;节奏,行进速度 | |
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bugged
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vt.在…装窃听器(bug的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
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cult
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n.异教,邪教;时尚,狂热的崇拜 | |
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clenching
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v.紧握,抓紧,咬紧( clench的现在分词 ) | |
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instinctively
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adv.本能地 | |
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physically
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adj.物质上,体格上,身体上,按自然规律 | |
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determined
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adj.坚定的;有决心的 | |
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dwarf
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n.矮子,侏儒,矮小的动植物;vt.使…矮小 | |
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porcelain
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n.瓷;adj.瓷的,瓷制的 | |
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