Matrimonial differences are usually discussed by the parties concerned in the form of dialogue, in which the lady bears at least her full half share. Those of Mr and Mrs Quilp, however, were an exception to the general rule; the remarks which they occasioned being limited to a long soliloquy on the part of the gentleman, with perhaps a few deprecatory observations from the lady, not extending beyond a trembling monosyllable uttered at long intervals¹, and in a very submissive and humble² tone. On the present occasion, Mrs Quilp did not for a long time venture even on this gentle defence, but when she had recovered from her fainting-fit, sat in a tearful silence, meekly³ listening to the reproaches of her lord and master.

Of these Mr Quilp delivered himself with the utmost animation⁴ and rapidity, and with so many distortions of limb and feature, that even his wife, although tolerably well accustomed to his proficiency⁵ in these respects, was well-nigh beside herself with alarm. But the Jamaica rum, and the joy of having occasioned a heavy disappointment, by degrees cooled Mr Quilp’s wrath⁶; which from being at savage⁷ heat, dropped slowly to the bantering⁸ or chuckling⁹ point, at which it steadily¹⁰ remained.

‘So you thought I was dead and gone, did you?’ said Quilp. ‘You thought you were a widow, eh? Ha, ha, ha, you jade¹¹.”

‘Indeed, Quilp,’ returned his wife. ‘I’m very sorry —’

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