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CHAPTER XXV. HELENA’S DIARY.
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They all notice at home that I am looking worn and haggard. That hideous1 old maid, Miss Jillgall, had her malicious2 welcome ready for me when we met at breakfast this morning: “Dear Helena, what has become of your beauty? One would think you had left it in your room!” Poor deluded3 Eunice showed her sisterly sympathy: “Don’t joke about it, Selina: can’t you see that Helena is ill?”
I have been ill; ill of my own wickedness.
But the recovery to my tranquillity4 will bring with it the recovery of my good looks. My fatal passion for Philip promises to be the utter destruction of everything that is good in me. Well! what is good in me may not be worth keeping. There is a fate in these things. If I am destined5 to rob Eunice of the one dear object of her love and hope—how can I resist? The one kind thing I can do is to keep her in ignorance of what is coming, by acts of affectionate deceit.
Besides, if she suffers, I suffer too. In the length and breadth of England, I doubt if there is a much more wicked young woman to be found than myself. Is it nothing to feel that, and to endure it as I do?
Upon my word, there is no excuse for me!
Is this sheer impudence6? No; it is the bent7 of my nature. I have a tendency to self-examination, accompanied by one merit—I don’t spare myself.
There are excuses for Eunice. She lives in a fools’ paradise; and she sees in her lover a radiant creature, shining in the halo thrown over him by her own self-delusion, Nothing of this sort is to be said for me. I see Philip as he is. My penetration8 looks into the lowest depths of his character—when I am not in his company. There seems to be a foundation of good, somewhere in his nature. He despises and hates himself (he has confessed it to me), when Eunice is with him—still believing in her false sweetheart. But how long do these better influences last? I have only to show myself, in my sister’s absence, and Philip is mine body and soul. His vanity and his weakness take possession of him the moment he sees my face. He is one of those men—even in my little experience I have met with them—who are born to be led by women. If Eunice had
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1
hideous
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adj.丑陋的,可憎的,可怕的,恐怖的 | |
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2
malicious
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adj.有恶意的,心怀恶意的 | |
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3
deluded
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v.欺骗,哄骗( delude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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4
tranquillity
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n. 平静, 安静 | |
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5
destined
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adj.命中注定的;(for)以…为目的地的 | |
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impudence
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n.厚颜无耻;冒失;无礼 | |
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7
bent
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n.爱好,癖好;adj.弯的;决心的,一心的 | |
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8
penetration
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n.穿透,穿人,渗透 | |
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possessed
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adj.疯狂的;拥有的,占有的 | |
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fascination
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n.令人着迷的事物,魅力,迷恋 | |
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accomplishments
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n.造诣;完成( accomplishment的名词复数 );技能;成绩;成就 | |
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jealousy
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n.妒忌,嫉妒,猜忌 | |
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distinguished
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adj.卓越的,杰出的,著名的 | |
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prospect
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n.前景,前途;景色,视野 | |
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inquiries
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n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 );疑问;探究;打听 | |
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celebrated
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adj.有名的,声誉卓著的 | |
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penitent
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adj.后悔的;n.后悔者;忏悔者 | |
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entirely
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ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地 | |
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diabolically
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virtue
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n.德行,美德;贞操;优点;功效,效力 | |
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fascinations
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n.魅力( fascination的名词复数 );有魅力的东西;迷恋;陶醉 | |
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wretch
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n.可怜的人,不幸的人;卑鄙的人 | |
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sleepless
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adj.不睡眠的,睡不著的,不休息的 | |
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discretion
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n.谨慎;随意处理 | |
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intruded
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n.侵入的,推进的v.侵入,侵扰,打扰( intrude的过去式和过去分词 );把…强加于 | |
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discreetly
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ad.(言行)审慎地,慎重地 | |
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irritable
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adj.急躁的;过敏的;易怒的 | |
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submission
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n.服从,投降;温顺,谦虚;提出 | |
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obstinacy
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n.顽固;(病痛等)难治 | |
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mischievous
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adj.调皮的,恶作剧的,有害的,伤人的 | |
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