We have a dose of Irving imitations. Make the acquaintance of a Mr.
Padge. Don't care for him. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton becomes a nuisance.
November 20. - Have seen nothing of Lupin the whole day. Boughta cheap address-book. I spent the evening copying in the names andaddresses of my friends and acquaintances. Left out the Mutlars ofcourse.
November 21. - Lupin turned up for a few minutes in the evening. Heasked for a drop of brandy with a sort of careless look, which to my mindwas theatrical and quite ineffective. I said: "My boy, I have none, and Idon't think I should give it you if I had." Lupin said: "I'll go where I canget some," and walked out of the house. Carrie took the boy's part, andthe rest of the evening was spent in a disagreeable discussion, in which thewords "Daisy" and "Mutlar" must have occurred a thousand times.
November 22. - Gowing and Cummings dropped in during the evening.
Lupin also came in, bringing his friend, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton - one of the"Holloway Comedians" - who was at our party the other night, and whocracked our little round table. Happy to say Daisy Mutlar was neverreferred to. The conversation was almost entirely monopolised by theyoung fellow Fosselton, who not only looked rather like Mr. Irving, butseemed to imagine that he WAS the celebrated actor. I must say he gavesome capital imitations of him. As he showed no signs of moving atsupper time, I said: "If you like to stay, Mr. Fosselton, for our usual crust- pray do." He replied: "Oh! thanks; but please call me Burwin-Fosselton.
It is a double name. There are lots of Fosseltons, but please call meBurwin-Fosselton."He began doing the Irving business all through supper. He sank solow down in his chair that his chin was almost on a level with the table,and twice he kicked Carrie under the table, upset his wine, and flashed aknife uncomfortably near Gowing's face. After supper he kept stretchingout his legs on the fender, indulging in scraps of quotations from plays which were Greek to me, and more than once knocked over the fire-irons,making a hideous row - poor Carrie already having a bad head-ache.
When he went, he said, to our surprise: "I will come to-morrow andbring my Irving make-up." Gowing and Cummings said they would liketo see it and would come too. I could not help thinking they might aswell give a party at my house while they are about it. However, as Carriesensibly said: "Do anything, dear, to make Lupin forget the Daisy Mutlarbusiness."November 23. - In the evening, Cummings came early. Gowingcame a little later and brought, without asking permission, a fat and, Ithink, very vulgar-looking man named Padge, who appeared to be allmoustache. Gowing never attempted any apology to either of us, but saidPadge wanted to see the Irving business, to which Padge said: "That'sright," and that is about all he DID say during the entire evening. Lupincame in and seemed in much better spirits. He had prepared a bit of asurprise. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton had come in with him, but had goneupstairs to get ready. In half-an-hour Lupin retired from the parlour, andreturning in a few minutes, announced "Mr. Henry Irving."I must say we were all astounded. I never saw such a resemblance. Itwas astonishing. The only person who did not appear interested was theman Padge, who had got the best arm-chair, and was puffing away at afoul pipe into the fireplace. After some little time I said; "Why do actorsalways wear their hair so long?" Carrie in a moment said, "Mr. Haredoesn't wear long HAIR." How we laughed except Mr. Fosselton, whosaid, in a rather patronising kind of way, "The joke, Mrs. Pooter, isextremely appropriate, if not altogether new." Thinking this rather a snub,I said: "Mr. Fosselton, I fancy - " He interrupted me by saying: "Mr.
BURWIN- Fosselton, if you please," which made me quite forget what Iwas going to say to him. During the supper Mr. Burwin-Fosselton againmonopolised the conversation with his Irving talk, and both Carrie and Icame to the conclusion one can have even too much imitation of Irving.
After supper, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton got a little too boisterous over hisIrving imitation, and suddenly seizing Gowing by the collar of his coat,dug his thumb-nail, accidentally of course, into Gowing's neck and took a piece of flesh out. Gowing was rightly annoyed, but that man Padge,who having declined our modest supper in order that he should not losehis comfortable chair, burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter at thelittle misadventure. I was so annoyed at the conduct of Padge, I said: "Isuppose you would have laughed if he had poked Mr. Gowing's eye out?"to which Padge replied: "That's right," and laughed more than ever.
think perhaps the greatest surprise was when we broke up, for Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said: "Good-night, Mr. Pooter. I'm glad you like theimitation, I'll bring THE OTHER MAKE-UP TO-MORROW NIGHT."November 24. - I went to town without a pocket-handkerchief. Thisis the second time I have done this during the last week. I must be losingmy memory. Had it not been for this Daisy Mutlar business, I wouldhave written to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and told him I should be out thisevening, but I fancy he is the sort of young man who would come all thesame.
Dear old Cummings came in the evening; but Gowing sent round alittle note saying he hoped I would excuse his not turning up, which ratheramused me. He added that his neck was still painful. Of course, Burwin-Fosselton came, but Lupin never turned up, and imagine my utter disgustwhen that man Padge actually came again, and not even accompanied byGowing. I was exasperated, and said: "Mr. Padge, this is a SURPRISE."Dear Carrie, fearing unpleasantness, said: "Oh! I suppose Mr. Padge hasonly come to see the other Irving make-up." Mr. Padge said: "That'sright," and took the best chair again, from which he never moved thewhole evening.
My only consolation is, he takes no supper, so he is not an expensiveguest, but I shall speak to Gowing about the matter. The Irvingimitations and conversations occupied the whole evening, till I was sick ofit. Once we had a rather heated discussion, which was commenced byCummings saying that it appeared to him that Mr. Burwin-Fosselton wasnot only LIKE Mr. Irving, but was in his judgment every way as GOOD oreven BETTER. I ventured to remark that after all it was but an imitationof an original.
Cummings said surely some imitations were better than the originals.
I made what I considered a very clever remark: "Without an original therecan be no imitation." Mr. Burwin- Fosselton said quite impertinently:
"Don't discuss me in my presence, if you please; and, Mr. Pooter, I shouldadvise you to talk about what you understand;" to which that cad Padgereplied: "That's right." Dear Carrie saved the whole thing by suddenlysaying: "I'll be Ellen Terry." Dear Carrie's imitation wasn't a bit liked,but she was so spontaneous and so funny that the disagreeable discussionpassed off. When they left, I very pointedly said to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and Mr. Padge that we should be engaged to-morrow evening.
November 25. - Had a long letter from Mr. Fosselton respecting lastnight's Irving discussion. I was very angry, and I wrote and said I knewlittle or nothing about stage matters, was not in the least interested in themand positively declined to be drawn into a discussion on the subject, evenat the risk of its leading to a breach of friendship. I never wrote a moredetermined letter.
On returning home at the usual hour on Saturday afternoon I met nearthe Archway Daisy Mutlar. My heart gave a leap. I bowed rather stiffly,but she affected not to have seen me. Very much annoyed in the eveningby the laundress sending home an odd sock. Sarah said she sent two pairs,and the laundress declared only a pair and a half were sent. I spoke toCarrie about it, but she rather testily replied: "I am tired of speaking toher; you had better go and speak to her yourself. She is outside." I didso, but the laundress declared that only an odd sock was sent.
Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was rude enough tolisten to the conversation, and interrupting, said: "Don't waste the oddsock, old man; do an act of charity and give it to some poor mar with onlyone leg." The laundress giggled like an idiot. I was disgusted and walkedupstairs for the purpose of pinning down my collar, as the button hadcome off the back of my shirt.
When I returned to the parlour, Gowing was retailing his idiotic jokeabout the odd sock, and Carrie was roaring with laughter. I suppose I amlosing my sense of humour. I spoke my mind pretty freely about Padge.
Gowing said he had met him only once before that evening. He had beenintroduced by a friend, and as he (Padge) had "stood" a good dinner, Gowing wished to show him some little return. Upon my word,Gowing's coolness surpasses all belief. Lupin came in before I couldreply, and Gowing unfortunately inquired after Daisy Mutlar. Lupinshouted: "Mind your own business, sir!" and bounced out of the room,slamming the door. The remainder of the night was Daisy Mutlar - DaisyMutlar - Daisy Mutlar. Oh dear!
November 26, Sunday. - The curate preached a very good sermon today - very good indeed. His appearance is never so impressive as ourdear old vicar's, but I am bound to say his sermons are much moreimpressive. A rather annoying incident occurred, of which I must makemention. Mrs. Fernlosse, who is quite a grand lady, living in one of thoselarge houses in the Camden Road, stopped to speak to me after church,when we were all coming out. I must say I felt flattered, for she isthought a good deal of. I suppose she knew me through seeing me sooften take round the plate, especially as she always occupies the cornerseat of the pew. She is a very influential lady, and may have hadsomething of the utmost importance to say, but unfortunately, as shecommenced to speak a strong gust of wind came and blew my hat off intothe middle of the road.
I had to run after it, and had the greatest difficulty in recovering it.
When I had succeeded in doing so, I found Mrs. Fernlosse had walked onwith some swell friends, and I felt I could not well approach her now,especially as my hat was smothered with mud. I cannot say howdisappointed I felt.
In the evening (SUNDAY evening of all others) I found an impertinentnote from Mr. Burwin-Fosselton, which ran as follows:
"Dear Mr. Pooter, - Although your junior by perhaps some twenty orthirty years - which is sufficient reason that you ought to have a longerrecord of the things and ways in this miniature of a planet - I feel it is justwithin the bounds of possibility that the wheels of your life don't travel soquickly round as those of the humble writer of these lines. The dandyhorse of past days has been known to overtake the SLOW COACH.
"Do I make myself understood?
"Very well, then! Permit me, Mr. Pooter, to advise you to accept the VERB. SAP. Acknowledge your defeat, and take your whippinggracefully; for remember you threw down the glove, and I cannot claim tobe either mentally or physically a COWARD!
"REVENONS E NOS MOUTONS.
"Our lives run in different grooves. I live for MY ART - THESTAGE. Your life is devoted to commercial pursuits - 'A life amongLedgers.' My books are of different metal. Your life in the City ishonourable, I admit. BUT HOW DIFFERENT! Cannot even you seethe ocean between us? A channel that prevents the meeting of our brainsin harmonious accord. Ah! But CHACUN E SON GOUT.
"I have registered a vow to mount the steps of fame. I may crawl, Imay slip, I may even falter (we are all weak), but REACH THE TOPRUNG OF THE LADDER I WILL!!! When there, my voice shall beheard, for I will shout to the multitudes below: 'VICI!' For the present Iam only an amateur, and my work is unknown, forsooth, save to a party offriends, with here and there an enemy.
"But, Mr. Pooter, let me ask you, 'What is the difference between theamateur and the professional?'
"None!!!
"Stay! Yes, there is a difference. One is PAID for doing what theother does as skilfully for NOTHING!
"But I will be PAID, too! For I, contrary to the wishes of my familyand friends, have at last elected to adopt the stage as MY profession.
And when the FARCE craze is over - and, MARK YOU, THAT WILL BESOON - I will make my power known; for I feel - pardon my apparentconceit - that there is no living man who can play the hump-backedRichard as I FEEL and KNOW I can.
"And YOU will be the first to come round and bend your head insubmission. There are many matters you may understand, but knowledgeof the fine art of acting is to you an UNKNOWN QUANTITY.
"Pray let this discussion cease with this letter. VALE!
Yours truly,"Burwin-Fosselton."I was disgusted. When Lupin came in, I handed him this impertinent letter, and said: "My boy, in that letter you can see the truecharacter of your friend."Lupin, to my surprise, said: "Oh yes. He showed me the letterbefore he sent it. I think he is right, and you ought to apologise."
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