Trouble with a stylographic pen. We go to a Volunteer Ball, where Iam let in for an expensive supper. Grossly insulted by a cabman. An oddinvitation to Southend.
April 8. - No events of any importance, except that Gowing stronglyrecommended a new patent stylographic pen, which cost me nine-andsixpence, and which was simply nine-and-sixpence thrown in the mud. Ithas caused me constant annoyance and irritability of temper. The inkoozes out of the top, making a mess on my hands, and once at the officewhen I was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk to jerk the inkdown, Mr. Perkupp, who had just entered, called out: "Stop thatknocking! I suppose that is you, Mr. Pitt?" That young monkey, Pitt,took a malicious glee in responding quite loudly: "No, sir; I beg pardon,it is Mr. Pooter with his pen; it has been going on all the morning." Tomake matters worse, I saw Lupin laughing behind his desk. I thought itwiser to say nothing. I took the pen back to the shop and asked them ifthey would take it back, as it did not act. I did not expect the full pricereturned, but was willing to take half. The man said he could not do that-buying and selling were two different things. Lupin's conduct duringthe period he has been in Mr. Perkupp's office has been most exemplary.
My only fear is, it is too good to last.
April 9. - Gowing called, bringing with him an invitation for Carrieand myself to a ball given by the East Acton Rifle Brigade, which hethought would be a swell affair, as the member for East Acton (Sir WilliamGrime) had promised his patronage. We accepted of his kindness, and hestayed to supper, an occasion I thought suitable for trying a bottle of thesparkling Algera that Mr. James (of Sutton) had sent as a present.
Gowing sipped the wine, observing that he had never tasted it before, andfurther remarked that his policy was to stick to more recognised brands.
I told him it was a present from a dear friend, and one mustn't look a gift-horse in the mouth. Gowing facetiously replied: "And he didn't like putting it in the mouth either."I thought the remarks were rude without being funny, but on tasting itmyself, came to the conclusion there was some justification for them.
The sparkling Algera is very like cider, only more sour. I suggested thatperhaps the thunder had turned it a bit acid. He merely replied: "Oh! Idon't think so." We had a very pleasant game of cards, though I lost fourshillings and Carrie lost one, and Gowing said he had lost about sixpence:
how he could have lost, considering that Carrie and I were the only otherplayers, remains a mystery. April 14, Sunday. - Owing, I presume, to theunsettled weather, I awoke with a feeling that my skin was drawn over myface as tight as a drum. Walking round the garden with Mr. and Mrs.
Treane, members of our congregation who had walked back with us, I wasmuch annoyed to find a large newspaper full of bones on the gravel-path,evidently thrown over by those young Griffin boys next door; who,whenever we have friends, climb up the empty steps inside theirconservatory, tap at the windows, making faces, whistling, and imitatingbirds.
April 15. -Burnt my tongue most awfully with the Worcester sauce,through that stupid girl Sarah shaking the bottle violently before putting iton the table.
April 16. - The night of the East Acton Volunteer Ball. On my advice,Carrie put on the same dress that she looked so beautiful in at the MansionHouse, for it had occurred to me, being a military ball, that Mr. Perkupp,who, I believe, is an officer in the Honorary Artillery Company, would inall probability be present. Lupin, in his usual incomprehensible language,remarked that he had heard it was a "bounders' ball." I didn't ask himwhat he meant though I didn't understand. Where he gets theseexpressions from I don't know; he certainly doesn't learn them at home.
The invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded if we arrived anhour later we should be in good time, without being "unfashionable," asMrs. James says. It was very difficult to find - the cabman having to getdown several times to inquire at different public-houses where the DrillHall was. I wonder at people living in such out-of-the-way places. Noone seemed to know it. However, after going up and down a good many badly-lighted streets we arrived at our destination. I had no idea it wasso far from Holloway. I gave the cabman five shillings, who onlygrumbled, saying it was dirt cheap at half-a-sovereign, and wasimpertinent enough to advise me the next time I went to a ball to take a'bus.
Captain Welcut received us, saying we were rather late, but that it wasbetter late than never. He seemed a very good-looking gentleman though,as Carrie remarked, "rather short for an officer." He begged to beexcused for leaving us, as he was engaged for a dance, and hoped weshould make ourselves at home. Carrie took my arm and we walked roundthe rooms two or three times and watched the people dancing. I couldn'tfind a single person I knew, but attributed it to most of them being inuniform. As we were entering the supper-room I received a slap on theshoulder, followed by a welcome shake of the hand. I said: "Mr. Padge,I believe;" he replied, "That's right."I gave Carrie a chair, and seated by her was a lady who made herself athome with Carrie at once.
There was a very liberal repast on the tables, plenty of champagne,claret, etc., and, in fact, everything seemed to be done regardless ofexpense. Mr. Padge is a man that, I admit, I have no particular liking for,but I felt so glad to come across someone I knew, that I asked him to sit atour table, and I must say that for a short fat man he looked well in uniform,although I think his tunic was rather baggy in the back. It was the onlysupper-room that I have been in that was not over-crowded; in fact wewere the only people there, everybody being so busy dancing.
I assisted Carrie and her newly-formed acquaintance, who said hername was Lupkin, to some champagne; also myself, and handed the bottleto Mr. Padge to do likewise, saying: "You must look after yourself."He replied: "That's right," and poured out half a tumbler and drankCarrie's health, coupled, as he said, "with her worthy lord and master."We all had some splendid pigeon pie, and ices to follow.
The waiters were very attentive, and asked if we would like somemore wine. I assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr. Padge, also somepeople who had just come from the dancing-room, who were very civil.
It occurred to me at the time that perhaps some of the gentlemen knew mein the City, as they were so polite. I made myself useful, and assistedseveral ladies to ices, remembering an old saying that "There is nothinglost by civility."The band struck up for the dance, and they all went into the ball- room.
The ladies (Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin) were anxious to see the dancing, andas I had not quite finished my supper, Mr. Padge offered his arms to themand escorted them to the ball-room, telling me to follow. I said to Mr.
Padge: "It is quite a West End affair," to which remark Mr. Padge replied:
"That's right."When I had quite finished my supper, and was leaving, the waiter whohad been attending on us arrested my attention by tapping me on theshoulder. I thought it unusual for a waiter at a private ball to expect a tip,but nevertheless gave a shilling, as he had been very attentive. Hesmilingly replied: "I beg your pardon, sir, this is no good," alluding tothe shilling. "Your party's had four suppers at 5s. a head, five ices at 1s.,three bottles of champagne at 11s. 6d., a glass of claret, and a sixpennycigar for the stout gentleman - in all 3 pounds 0s. 6d.!"I don't think I was ever so surprised in my life, and had only sufficientbreath to inform him that I had received a private invitation, to which heanswered that he was perfectly well aware of that; but that the invitationdidn't include eatables and drinkables. A gentleman who was standing atthe bar corroborated the waiter's statement, and assured me it was quitecorrect.
The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I had been under anymisapprehension; but it was not his fault. Of course there was nothing tobe done but to pay. So, after turning out my pockets, I just managed toscrape up sufficient, all but nine shillings; but the manager, on my givingmy card to him, said: "That's all right."I don't think I ever felt more humiliated in my life, and I determined tokeep this misfortune from Carrie, for it would entirely destroy thepleasant evening she was enjoying. I felt there was no more enjoymentfor me that evening, and it being late, I sought Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin.
Carrie said she was quite ready to go, and Mrs. Lupkin, as we were wishing her "Good-night," asked Carrie and myself if we ever paid a visitto Southend? On my replying that I hadn't been there for many years,she very kindly said: "Well, why don't you come down and stay at ourplace?" As her invitation was so pressing, and observing that Carriewished to go, we promised we would visit her the next Saturday week, andstay till Monday. Mrs. Lupkin said she would write to us to-morrow,giving us the address and particulars of trains, etc.
When we got outside the Drill Hall it was raining so hard that theroads resembled canals, and I need hardly say we had great difficulty ingetting a cabman to take us to Holloway. After waiting a bit, a man saidhe would drive us, anyhow, as far as "The Angel," at Islington, and wecould easily get another cab from there. It was a tedious journey; the rainwas beating against the windows and trickling down the inside of the cab.
When we arrived at "The Angel" the horse seemed tired out. Carriegot out and ran into a doorway, and when I came to pay, to my absolutehorror I remembered I had no money, nor had Carrie. I explained to thecabman how we were situated. Never in my life have I ever been soinsulted; the cabman, who was a rough bully and to my thinking not sober,called me every name he could lay his tongue to, and positively seized meby the beard, which he pulled till the tears came into my eyes. I took thenumber of a policeman (who witnessed the assault) for not taking the manin charge. The policeman said he couldn't interfere, that he had seen noassault, and that people should not ride in cabs without money.
We had to walk home in the pouring rain, nearly two miles, and when Igot in I put down the conversation I had with the cabman, word for word,as I intend writing to the TELEGRAPH for the purpose of proposing thatcabs should be driven only by men under Government control, to preventcivilians being subjected to the disgraceful insult and outrage that I hadhad to endure.
April 17. - No water in our cistern again. Sent for Putley, who saidhe would soon remedy that, the cistern being zinc.
April 18. - Water all right again in the cistern. Mrs. James, of Sutton,called in the afternoon. She and Carrie draped the mantelpiece in thedrawing-room, and put little toy spiders, frogs and beetles all over it, as Mrs. James says it's quite the fashion. It was Mrs. James' suggestion, andof course Carrie always does what Mrs. James suggests. For my part, Ipreferred the mantelpiece as it was; but there, I'm a plain man, and don'tpretend to be in the fashion.
April 19. - Our next-door neighbour, Mr. Griffin, called, and in a ratheroffensive tone accused me, or "someone," of boring a hole in his cisternand letting out his water to supply our cistern, which adjoined his. Hesaid he should have his repaired, and send us in the bill.
April 20. - Cummings called, hobbling in with a stick, saying he hadbeen on his back for a week. It appears he was trying to shut hisbedroom door, which is situated just at the top of the staircase, andunknown to him a piece of cork the dog had been playing with had gotbetween the door, and prevented it shutting; and in pulling the door hard,to give it an extra slam, the handle came off in his hands, and he fellbackwards downstairs.
On hearing this, Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch and rushedout of the room sideways. Cummings looked very indignant, andremarked it was very poor fun a man nearly breaking his back; and thoughI had my suspicions that Lupin was laughing, I assured Cummings that hehad only run out to open the door to a friend he expected. Cummingssaid this was the second time he had been laid up, and we had never sentto inquire. I said I knew nothing about it. Cummings said: "It wasmentioned in the BICYCLE NEWS."April 22. - I have of late frequently noticed Carrie rubbing her nails agood deal with an instrument, and on asking her what she was doing, shereplied: "Oh, I'm going in for manicuring. It's all the fashion now." Isaid: "I suppose Mrs. James introduced that into your head." Carrielaughingly replied: "Yes; but everyone does it now."I wish Mrs. James wouldn't come to the house. Whenever she doesshe always introduces some new-fandangled rubbish into Carrie's head.
One of these days I feel sure I shall tell her she's not welcome. I am sureit was Mrs. James who put Carrie up to writing on dark slate-colouredpaper with white ink. Nonsense!
April 23. - Received a letter from Mrs. Lupkin, of Southend, telling us the train to come by on Saturday, and hoping we will keep our promise tostay with her. The letter concluded: "You must come and stay at ourhouse; we shall charge you half what you will have to pay at the Royal,and the view is every bit as good." Looking at the address at the top of thenote-paper, I found it was "Lupkin's Family and Commercial Hotel."I wrote a note, saying we were compelled to "decline her kindinvitation." Carrie thought this very satirical, and to the point. By-theby, I will never choose another cloth pattern at night. I ordered a newsuit of dittos for the garden at Edwards', and chose the pattern by gaslight,and they seemed to be a quiet pepper-and- salt mixture with white stripesdown. They came home this morning, and, to my horror, I found it wasquite a flash-looking suit. There was a lot of green with bright yellowcoloured stripes.
I tried on the coat, and was annoyed to find Carrie giggling. She said:
"What mixture did you say you asked for?"I said: "A quiet pepper and salt."Carrie said: "Well, it looks more like mustard, if you want to knowthe truth."
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