Thus several localities, imperfectly righteous, have within recent years appropriated this story to their own annals. I once met an old herbalist from Wigan-Wigan of all places in beautiful England!—who positively1 asserted that the episode occurred just outside the London and North-Western main line station at Wigan. This old herbalist was no judge of the value of evidence. An undertaker from Hull2 told me flatly, little knowing who I was and where I came from, that he was the undertaker concerned in the episode. This undertaker was a liar3. I use this term because there is no other word in the language which accurately4 expresses my meaning. Of persons who have taken the trouble to come over from the United States in order to inform me that the affair happened at Harper's Ferry, Poughkeepsie, Syracuse, Allegheny, Indianapolis, Columbus, Charlotte, Tabernacle, Alliance, Wheeling, Lynchburg, and Chicago it would be unbecoming to speak—they are best left to silence themselves by mutual5 recrimination. The fact is that the authentic6 scene of the affair was a third-class railway carriage belonging to the North Staffordshire Railway Company, and rolling on that company's loop-line between Longshaw and Hanbridge. The undertaker is now dead—it is a disturbing truth that even undertakers die sometimes—and since his widow has given me permission to mention his name, I shall mention his name. It was Edward Till. Of course everybody in the Five Towns knows who the undertaker was, and if anybody in the Five Towns should ever chance to come across this book, I offer him my excuses for having brought coals to Newcastle.
Mr Till used to be a fairly well-known figure in Hanbridge, which is the centre of undertaking7, as it is of everything else, in the Five Towns. He was in a small but a successful way of business, had one leg a trifle shorter than the other (which slightly deteriorated8 the majesty9 of his demeanour on solemn occasions), played the fiddle10, kept rabbits, and was of a forgetful disposition11. It was possibly this forgetful disposition which had prevented him from rising into a large way of business. All admired his personal character and tempered geniality12; but there are some things that will not bear forgetting. However, the story touches but lightly that side of his individuality.
One morning Mr Till had to go to Longshaw to fetch a baby's coffin13 which had been ordered under the mistaken impression that a certain baby was dead. This baby, I may mention, was the hero of the celebrated14 scare of Longshaw about the danger of being buried alive. The little thing had apparently15 passed away; and, what is more, an inquest had been held on it and its parents had been censured17 by the jury for criminal carelessness in overlaying it; and it was within five minutes of being nailed up, when it opened its eyes! You may imagine the enormous sensation that there was in the Five Towns. One doctor lost his reputation, naturally. He emigrated to the Continent, and now, practising at Lucerne in the summer and Mentone in the winter, charges fifteen shillings a visit (instead of three and six at Longshaw) for informing people who have nothing the matter with them that they must take care of themselves. The parents of the astonished baby moved the heaven and earth of the Five Towns to force the coroner to withdraw the stigma18 of the jury's censure16; but they did not succeed, not even with the impassioned aid of two London halfpenny dailies.
To resume, Mr Till had to go to Longshaw. Now, unless you possess a most minute knowledge of your native country, you are probably not aware that in Aynsley Street, Longshaw, there is a provision dealer19 whose reputation for cheeses would be national and supreme20 if the whole of England thought as the Five Towns thinks.
'Teddy,' Mrs Till said, as Mr Till was starting, 'you might as well bring back with you a pound of Gorgonzola.' (Be it noted21 that I had the details of the conversation from the lady herself.)
'Yes,' said he enthusiastically, 'I will.'
'No,' he said. 'I'll tie a knot in my handkerchief.'
'A lot of good that'll do!' she observed. 'You'd tied a knot in your handkerchief when you forgot that Councillor Barker's wife's funeral was altered from Tuesday to Monday.'
'Ah!' he replied. 'But now I've got a bad cold.'
He tied the knot in his handkerchief and went.
Thanks to his cold he did not pass the cheesemonger's without entering.
He adored Gorgonzola, and he reckoned that he knew a bit of good Gorgonzola when he met with it. Moreover, he and the cheesemonger were old friends, he having buried three of the cheesemonger's children. He emerged from the cheesemonger's with a pound of the perfectest Gorgonzola that ever greeted the senses.
The abode24 of the censured parents was close by, and also close to the station. He obtained the coffin without parley25, and told the mother, who showed him the remarkable26 child with pride, that under the circumstances he should make no charge at all. It was a ridiculously small coffin. He was quite accustomed to coffins27. Hence he did the natural thing. He tucked the little coffin under one arm, and, dangling28 the cheese (neat in brown paper and string) from the other hand, he hastened to the station. With his unmatched legs he must have made a somewhat noticeable figure.
A loop-line train was waiting, and he got into it, put the cheese on the rack in a corner, and the coffin next to it, assured himself that he had not mislaid his return ticket, and sat down under his baggage. It was the slackest time of day, and, as the train started at Longshaw, there were very few passengers. He had the compartment29 to himself.
He was just giving way to one of those moods of vague and pleasant meditation30 which are perhaps the chief joy of such a temperament31, when he suddenly sprang up as if in fear. And fear had in fact seized him. Suppose he forgot those belongings32 on the rack? Suppose, sublimely33 careless, he descended34 from the train and left them there? What a calamity35! And similar misadventures had happened to him before. It was the cheese that disquieted36 him. No one would be sufficiently37 unprincipled to steal the coffin, and he would ultimately recover it at the lost luggage office, babies' coffins not abounding38 on the North Staffordshire Railway. But the cheese! He would never see the cheese again! No integrity would be able to withstand the blandishments of that cheese. Moreover, his wife would be saddened. And for her he had a sincere and profound affection.
His act of precaution was to lift the coffin down from the rack, and place it on the seat beside him, and then to put the parcel of cheese on the coffin. He surveyed the cheese on the coffin; he surveyed it with the critical and experienced eye of an undertaker, and he decided39 that, if anyone else got into the carriage, it would not look quite decent, quite becoming—in a word, quite nice. A coffin is a coffin, and people's feelings have to be considered.
So he whipped off the lid of the coffin, stuck the cheese inside, and popped the lid on again. And he kept his hand on the coffin that he might not forget it. When the train halted at Knype, Mr Till was glad that he had put the cheese inside, for another passenger got into the compartment. And it was a clergyman. He recognized the clergyman, though the clergyman did not recognize him. It was the Reverend Claud ffolliott, famous throughout the Five Towns as the man who begins his name with a small letter, doesn't smoke, of course doesn't drink, but goes to football matches, has an average of eighteen at cricket, and makes a very pretty show with the gloves, in spite of his thirty-eight years; celibate40, very High, very natty41 and learned about vestments, terrific at sick couches and funerals. Mr Till inwardly trembled to think what the Reverend Claud ffolliott might have said had he seen the cheese reposing42 in the coffin, though the coffin was empty.
The parson, whose mind was apparently occupied, dropped into the nearest corner, which chanced to be the corner farthest away from Mr Till. He then instantly opened a copy of The Church Times and began to read it, and the train went forward. The parson sniffed43, absently, as if he had been dozing44 and a fly had tickled45 his nose. Shortly afterwards he sniffed again, but without looking up from his perusals. He sniffed a third time, and glanced over the top edge of THE CHURCH TIMES at Mr Till. Calmed by the innocuous aspect of Mr Till, he bent46 once more to the paper. But after an interval47 he was sniffing48 furiously. He glanced at the window; it was open. Finally he lowered The CHURCH TIMES, as who should say: 'I am a long-suffering man, but really this phenomenon which assaults my nostrils49 must be seriously inquired into.'
Then it was that he caught sight of the coffin, with Mr Till's hand caressing50 it, and Mr Till all in black and carrying a funereal51 expression. He straightened himself, pulled himself together on account of his cloth, and said to Mr Till in his most majestic52 and sympathetic graveside voice—
'Ah! my dear friend, I see that you have suffered a sad, sad bereavement53.'
That rich, resonant54 voice was positively thrilling when it addressed hopeless grief. Mr Till did not know what to say, nor where to look.
'You have, however, one thing to be thankful for, very thankful for,' said the parson after a pause, 'you may be sure the poor thing is not in a trance.'
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1
positively
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| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
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hull
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| n.船身；(果、实等的)外壳；vt.去(谷物等)壳 | |
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liar
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| n.说谎的人 | |
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accurately
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| adv.准确地，精确地 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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6
authentic
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| a.真的，真正的；可靠的，可信的，有根据的 | |
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7
undertaking
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| n.保证，许诺，事业 | |
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8
deteriorated
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| 恶化，变坏( deteriorate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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majesty
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| n.雄伟，壮丽，庄严，威严；最高权威，王权 | |
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fiddle
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| n.小提琴；vi.拉提琴；不停拨弄，乱动 | |
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11
disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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12
geniality
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| n.和蔼，诚恳；愉快 | |
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13
coffin
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| n.棺材，灵柩 | |
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celebrated
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| adj.有名的，声誉卓著的 | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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censure
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| v./n.责备；非难；责难 | |
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censured
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| v.指责，非难，谴责( censure的过去式 ) | |
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stigma
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| n.耻辱，污名；(花的)柱头 | |
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19
dealer
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| n.商人，贩子 | |
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supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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enjoined
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| v.命令( enjoin的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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reassured
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| adj.使消除疑虑的；使放心的v.再保证，恢复信心( reassure的过去式和过去分词) | |
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24
abode
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| n.住处，住所 | |
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25
parley
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| n.谈判 | |
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26
remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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coffins
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| n.棺材( coffin的名词复数 )；使某人早亡[死，完蛋，垮台等]之物 | |
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28
dangling
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| 悬吊着( dangle的现在分词 )； 摆动不定； 用某事物诱惑…； 吊胃口 | |
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29
compartment
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| n.卧车包房，隔间；分隔的空间 | |
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30
meditation
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| n.熟虑，（尤指宗教的）默想，沉思，（pl.）冥想录 | |
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31
temperament
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| n.气质，性格，性情 | |
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32
belongings
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| n.私人物品，私人财物 | |
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33
sublimely
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| 高尚地，卓越地 | |
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34
descended
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| a.为...后裔的，出身于...的 | |
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35
calamity
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| n.灾害，祸患，不幸事件 | |
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36
disquieted
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| v.使不安，使忧虑，使烦恼( disquiet的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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37
sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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38
abounding
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| adj.丰富的，大量的v.大量存在，充满，富于( abound的现在分词 ) | |
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39
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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40
celibate
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| adj.独身的，独身主义的；n.独身者 | |
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41
natty
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| adj.整洁的，漂亮的 | |
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42
reposing
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| v.将（手臂等）靠在某人（某物）上( repose的现在分词 ) | |
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43
sniffed
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| v.以鼻吸气，嗅，闻( sniff的过去式和过去分词 )；抽鼻子（尤指哭泣、患感冒等时出声地用鼻子吸气）；抱怨，不以为然地说 | |
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44
dozing
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| v.打瞌睡,假寐 n.瞌睡 | |
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45
tickled
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| （使）发痒( tickle的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）愉快，逗乐 | |
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46
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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47
interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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48
sniffing
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| n.探查法v.以鼻吸气，嗅，闻( sniff的现在分词 )；抽鼻子（尤指哭泣、患感冒等时出声地用鼻子吸气）；抱怨，不以为然地说 | |
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49
nostrils
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| 鼻孔( nostril的名词复数 ) | |
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50
caressing
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| 爱抚的，表现爱情的，亲切的 | |
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51
funereal
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| adj.悲哀的；送葬的 | |
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52
majestic
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| adj.雄伟的，壮丽的，庄严的，威严的，崇高的 | |
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53
bereavement
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| n.亲人丧亡，丧失亲人，丧亲之痛 | |
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54
resonant
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| adj.(声音)洪亮的，共鸣的 | |
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