Morning brought a pitcher1 of comfort with it on its gossamer2 wings. Who, at 17, can wake from restoring sleep to find the June sun on his face and elect to breakfast on bitter wormwood, with the appetizing fry of good country bacon caressing3 his nostrils4 through every chink of the boards? Indeed, I was not born to hate, or to any decided5 vice6 or virtue7, but was of those who, taking a middle course, are kicked to the wall or into the gutter8 as the Fates have a fancy.
I was friendly with myself, with Jason—almost with Zyp, who had so bedeviled me. After all, I thought, the measure of her regard for me might be more in a winning friendliness9 than in embraces such as she had bestowed10 upon Modred.
Therefore I dressed in good heart, chatting amiably11 with Jason, who, I could not help noticing, was at some pains to study me curiously12.
Such reactionary13 spirits are the heritage of youth. They decline with the day. My particular relapse happened, maybe, ungenerously early, for it was at breakfast I noticed the first tremulous vibrations14 of Zyp’s war trumpet15. Clearly she had guessed the reason of the change in my manner toward her yesterday evening and was bent16 upon disabusing17 my mind of the presumptuous18 supposition that I held any monopoly whatsoever19 of her better regard. To this end she showered exaggerated attentions upon Modred and my father—even Jason coming in for his share. She had little digs at my silence and boorishness20 that hugely delighted the others. She slipped a corner of fat bacon into my tea and spilled salt over my bread and jam, and all the time I had to bear my suffering with a stoic22 heart and echo the merriment, which I did in such sardonic23 fashion as to call down fresh banter24 for my confusion. At our worst, it must be confessed, we were not a circle with a refined sense of humor. But when we rose, and Zyp brushed rudely by me with a pert toss of her head, I felt indeed as if life no longer held anything worth the striving after.
I walked out into the yard to be alone, but Jason followed me. Some tenderness for old comradeship sake stirred in him momentarily, I think, for his blue eyes were good as they met mine.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I said, in miserable26 resentment27. “I’m making no to-do about anything.”
My chest felt like a stone, and I could have struck him or any one.
“Oh, I can see,” said he.
“See what you like,” I replied, furiously, “but don’t bother me with it. I’ve nothing to do with your fancies.”
I bounced past him and strode out of the yard. My blood was humming in my veins29; the sunny street looked all glazed30 with a shining gray. I walked on and on, scarcely knowing whither I went. Presently I climbed St. Catherine’s hill and flung myself down on the summit. Below me, a quarter of a mile away, the old city lay in the hollow cup of its down. Who, of all its 17,000 souls, could ever stir my pulses as the little stranger from the distant shadowy forest could? We had no forests round Winton. Perhaps if we had the spirit of the trees would have colored my life, too, so that I might have scorned “the blind bow-god’s butt31 shaft32.”
No doubt I was young to make such capital out of a little boyish disappointment. Do you think so? Then to you I must not appeal. Oh, my friend! We are not all jack-o’-lanterns at 17, and the fire of unrequited affection may burn fiercer in the pure air of youth than in the vitiated atmosphere of manhood. Anyhow believe me that to me my misery33 was very real and dreadful. Think only, you who have plucked the fruit and found it bitter—you whose disenchantment of life did not begin till life itself was waning—what it must be to feel hopeless at that tender age.
All day long I lay on the hill or wandered about the neighboring downs, and it was not till the shadows of the trees were stretching that I made up my mind to return and face out the inevitable34.
I was parched35 and feverish36, and the prospect37 of a plunge38 in the river on my way home came to me with a little lonely thrill as of solace39 to my unhappiness.
There was a deep pool at a bend of the stream, not far from where Zyp and I had sat yesterday afternoon (was it only yesterday?) which we three were much in the habit of frequenting on warm evenings; and thither40 I bent my steps. This part of the water lay very private and solitary41, and was only to be reached by trespassing42 from the road through a pretty thick-set blackthorn hedge—a necessity to its enjoyment43 which, I need not say, was an attraction to us.
As I wriggled44 through our individual “run” in the hedge and, emerging on the other side, raised my face, I saw that a naked figure was already seated by the side of the running pool, which I was not long in identifying as Modred’s.
I hesitated. What reason had I for hobnobbing with mine enemy, as, in the bitterness of my heart, I called him? I could not as yet speak to him naturally, I felt, or meet him without resentment. Where was the object in complicating45 matters? I turned, on the thought, to go, and again hesitated. Should he see me before I had made my escape, would he not attribute it to embarrassment46 on my part and crow triumphant47 over my discomfiture48? Ah, why did I not act on my first impulse? Why, why? The deeps of perdition must resound49 with that forlorn little word.
When a second time the good resolve came to me, it was too late. He rose and saw me and, under his shading hand, even at that distance, I could mark the silent grin of mockery on his face. I walked deliberately50 toward him, my hands in my pockets, my cap shading my eyes.
“Aren’t you coming to bathe?” he said, when I drew near. “It’ll cool your temper.”
I could have struck him, but I answered nothing and only began to undress.
“Where have you been all day? We were wondering, Zyp and I, as we lay in the meadow out there.”
Still I answered nothing, but I knew that my hands trembled as I pulled off my coat and waistcoat.
He stood watching me a little while in silence, then said: “You seem to have lost your tongue, old Renny. Has it followed your heart because Zyp talks for two?”
I sprung up, but he eluded51 me and, with a hateful laugh, leaped on the moment into the deep center of the pool. A horrible tightness came round my throat. Half-undressed as I was I plunged52 after him all mad with passion. He rose near me, and seeing the fury of my face, dived again, and I followed. It took but an instant, and my life was wrecked53. We met among the weeds at the bottom, and he jumped from me. As he rose I clutched him by one foot, and swiftly passed a great sinew of weed three or four times around his ankle. It held like a grapnel and would hold; for, though he was a fair swimmer, he was always frighted and nervous in the face of little difficulties. Then swerving54 away, I rose again, with laboring55 lungs, to the surface.
Barely had my drenched56 eyes found the daylight again, when the hideous57 enormity of my crime broke into my brain like the toll58 of a death bell. The water near me was heaving slightly and some welling bubbles swayed to the surface. They were the drowning gasps59 of my brother—my own brother, whom I was murdering.
I gave a thin, wretched scream and sunk again into the deep hole beneath me. He was jerking convulsively, and his hands clutched vainly at his feet and slipped away in a dying manner. I tore at the weed to unwind it—only to twist it into new fetters60. I pulled frantically61 at its roots. I felt that I should go mad if it did not yield. In a moment it came away in my hands and I shot upward, struggling. But the other poor body followed me sluggishly62, and I seized it by the hair, with all my heart gone crazy, and towed it ashore63.
His face, I thought, looked fallen away already and was no longer loutish64 or malicious65. It seemed just a white, pathetic thing freed from suffering—and I would have given my life—ay, and my love—ten times over to see the same expression come back to it it had worn as it turned to me before he dived.
I fell on my knees beside him and broke into a passion of tears. I kissed, with no shame but a murderer’s, the wet forehead, and beat and pressed, in a futile66 agony too terrible for words, the limp unresisting hand against my breast. It seemed that he must wake if I implored67 him so frantically. But he lay quiet, with closed eyes, and the water ran from his white skin in trickling68 jerks and pauses.
In the midst of my useless anguish69 some words of Jason’s recurred70 to me, and, seizing my coat for a pillow to his forehead, I turned him, with a shuddering71 horror of his limpness, upon his face. A great gush72 of water came with a rumble73 from his mouth, but he did not stir; and there I stood looking down upon him, my hand to my forehead, my mad eyes staring as Cain’s must have stared when he wrought74 the deed of terror.
And I was Cain—I who yesterday was a boy of loving impulses, I think; whose blackest crime might be some petty rebellion against the lesser75 proprieties76; who had even hugged himself upon living on a loftier plane than this poor silenced victim of his brutality77.
As the deadly earnest of my deed came home to my stunned78 mind, I had no thought of escape. I would face it out, confess and die. My father’s agony—for he loved us in his way, I believe; Jason’s condemnation79; Zyp’s hatred80; my own shame and torture—I put them all on one side to get full view of that black crossbeam and rope that I felt to be the only medicine for my sick and haunted soul.
As I stood, the sound of wheels on the road beyond woke me to some necessity of action. Stumbling, as in a nightmare; not feeling my feet, but only the mechanical spring of motion, I hurried to the hedge side and looked over.
“Help!” I cried. “Oh, come and help me!” And my voice seemed to me to issue from under the tilt of the wagon.
He “woa’d” up his horses, raised his hat from his forehead, wrinkled with hot weariness, and came toward me, his whip over his shoulder.
“What’s toward?” said he.
The man’s boorish21 face lighted up like a farthing rushlight. Here was something horribly sordid84 enough for all the excitement he was worth. It would sweeten many a pot of swipes for the week to come.
“Wheer be the body?” said he, eagerly.
“Over yonder, on the grass. Oh, won’t you help me to carry it home?”
He looked at the hedge critically.
“Go, you,” he said, “and drag ’en hither. We’ll gat ’en over hedge together.”
I ran back to where it lay. It had collapsed85 a little to one side, and for an instant my breath caught in a wild thrill of hope that he had moved of himself. But the waxen hue86 of the face in the gathering87 dusk killed my emotion on its very issuing.
A strange loathing88 of the thing, lying so unresponsive, had in my race backward and forward sprung upon me, but before it could gain the mastery I had seized it under the arm-pits and was half-dragging, half-carrying it toward the road.
I was at the hedge before I knew it, and the red face of the carter was peering curiously down at the white heap beneath.
“Harned ’en up,” he said. “My, but it’s cold. Easy, now. Take the toes of ’en. Thart’s it—woa!” and he had it in his strong arms and shuffling89 heavily to the rear of his wagon, jerked back the flap of the tilt with his elbow and slid the body like a package into the interior.
“Get your coat, man,” he cried, “and coom away.”
I had forgotten in the terror of it all my own half-dressed state, for I had stripped only to my underclothes, and my boots were still on my feet. Mechanically I returned to the riverside, and hastily donning my coat and trousers, snatched up the other’s tumbled garments and ran back to the road.
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收听单词发音
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1
pitcher
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| n.(有嘴和柄的)大水罐；(棒球)投手 | |
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gossamer
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| n.薄纱，游丝 | |
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caressing
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| 爱抚的，表现爱情的，亲切的 | |
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nostrils
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| 鼻孔( nostril的名词复数 ) | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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gutter
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| n.沟，街沟，水槽，檐槽，贫民窟 | |
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friendliness
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| n.友谊，亲切，亲密 | |
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bestowed
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| 赠给，授予( bestow的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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amiably
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| adv.和蔼可亲地，亲切地 | |
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curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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reactionary
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| n.反动者，反动主义者；adj.反动的，反动主义的，反对改革的 | |
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vibrations
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| n.摆动( vibration的名词复数 )；震动；感受；（偏离平衡位置的）一次性往复振动 | |
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trumpet
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| n.喇叭，喇叭声；v.吹喇叭，吹嘘 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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disabusing
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| v.去除…的错误想法( disabuse的现在分词 )；使醒悟 | |
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presumptuous
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| adj.胆大妄为的，放肆的，冒昧的，冒失的 | |
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whatsoever
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| adv.（用于否定句中以加强语气）任何；pron.无论什么 | |
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20
boorishness
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boorish
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| adj.粗野的，乡巴佬的 | |
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stoic
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| n.坚忍克己之人，禁欲主义者 | |
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sardonic
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| adj.嘲笑的，冷笑的，讥讽的 | |
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banter
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| n.嘲弄，戏谑；v.取笑，逗弄，开玩笑 | |
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ass
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| n.驴；傻瓜，蠢笨的人 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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interfere
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| v.(in)干涉，干预；(with)妨碍，打扰 | |
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veins
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| n.纹理；矿脉( vein的名词复数 )；静脉；叶脉；纹理 | |
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30
glazed
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| adj.光滑的，像玻璃的；上过釉的；呆滞无神的v.装玻璃( glaze的过去式)；上釉于，上光；（目光）变得呆滞无神 | |
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31
butt
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| n.笑柄；烟蒂；枪托；臀部；v.用头撞或顶 | |
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shaft
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| n.(工具的)柄，杆状物 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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parched
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| adj.焦干的；极渴的；v.（使）焦干 | |
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feverish
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| adj.发烧的，狂热的，兴奋的 | |
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prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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plunge
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| v.跳入，(使)投入，(使)陷入；猛冲 | |
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solace
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| n.安慰；v.使快乐；vt.安慰(物)，缓和 | |
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40
thither
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| adv.向那里；adj.在那边的，对岸的 | |
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solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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42
trespassing
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| [法]非法入侵 | |
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43
enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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44
wriggled
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| v.扭动，蠕动，蜿蜒行进( wriggle的过去式和过去分词 )；（使身体某一部位）扭动；耍滑不做，逃避（应做的事等） | |
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45
complicating
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| 使复杂化( complicate的现在分词 ) | |
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embarrassment
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| n.尴尬；使人为难的人(事物)；障碍；窘迫 | |
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triumphant
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| adj.胜利的，成功的；狂欢的，喜悦的 | |
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discomfiture
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| n.崩溃；大败；挫败；困惑 | |
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resound
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| v.回响 | |
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50
deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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51
eluded
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| v.（尤指机敏地）避开( elude的过去式和过去分词 )；逃避；躲避；使达不到 | |
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52
plunged
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| v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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53
wrecked
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| adj.失事的，遇难的 | |
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54
swerving
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| v.（使）改变方向，改变目的( swerve的现在分词 ) | |
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laboring
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| n.劳动，操劳v.努力争取(for)( labor的现在分词 )；苦干；详细分析；（指引擎）缓慢而困难地运转 | |
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56
drenched
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| adj.湿透的；充满的v.使湿透( drench的过去式和过去分词 )；在某人（某物）上大量使用（某液体） | |
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57
hideous
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| adj.丑陋的，可憎的，可怕的，恐怖的 | |
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toll
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| n.过路(桥)费；损失，伤亡人数；v.敲(钟) | |
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gasps
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| v.喘气( gasp的第三人称单数 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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fetters
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| n.脚镣( fetter的名词复数 )；束缚v.给…上脚镣，束缚( fetter的第三人称单数 ) | |
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frantically
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| ad.发狂地, 发疯地 | |
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sluggishly
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| adv.懒惰地；缓慢地 | |
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ashore
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| adv.在(向)岸上，上岸 | |
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loutish
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| adj.粗鲁的 | |
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malicious
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| adj.有恶意的，心怀恶意的 | |
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futile
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| adj.无效的，无用的，无希望的 | |
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implored
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| 恳求或乞求（某人）( implore的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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68
trickling
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| n.油画底色含油太多而成泡沫状突起v.滴( trickle的现在分词 )；淌；使)慢慢走；缓慢移动 | |
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69
anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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70
recurred
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| 再发生，复发( recur的过去式和过去分词 )； 治愈 | |
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71
shuddering
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| v.战栗( shudder的现在分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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72
gush
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| v.喷，涌；滔滔不绝(说话)；n.喷，涌流；迸发 | |
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73
rumble
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| n.隆隆声；吵嚷；v.隆隆响；低沉地说 | |
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74
wrought
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| v.引起；以…原料制作；运转；adj.制造的 | |
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75
lesser
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| adj.次要的，较小的；adv.较小地，较少地 | |
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76
proprieties
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| n.礼仪，礼节；礼貌( propriety的名词复数 )；规矩；正当；合适 | |
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77
brutality
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| n.野蛮的行为，残忍，野蛮 | |
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78
stunned
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| adj. 震惊的，惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词 | |
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79
condemnation
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| n.谴责; 定罪 | |
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80
hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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81
tilt
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| v.(使)倾侧；(使)倾斜；n.倾侧；倾斜 | |
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82
wagon
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| n.四轮马车，手推车，面包车；无盖运货列车 | |
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83
gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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84
sordid
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| adj.肮脏的，不干净的，卑鄙的，暗淡的 | |
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85
collapsed
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| adj.倒塌的 | |
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86
hue
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| n.色度；色调；样子 | |
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87
gathering
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| n.集会，聚会，聚集 | |
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88
loathing
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| n.厌恶，憎恨v.憎恨，厌恶( loathe的现在分词)；极不喜欢 | |
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89
shuffling
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| adj. 慢慢移动的, 滑移的 动词shuffle的现在分词形式 | |
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