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CHAPTER XXII
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 Once the ice was broken in this way intimacy1 with these twain came fast enough, although I never became quite as intimate with Dick as I did with Peter, largely because I could not think him as important. Wood had some feminine characteristics; he could be very jealous of anybody’s interest in Peter as well as Peter’s interest in anybody else. He was big enough, at times, to see the pettiness of this and try to rise above it, but at other times it would show. Years later McCord confided2 to me in the most amused way how, when I first appeared on the scene, Dick at once began to belittle3 me and to resent my obvious desire to “break in,” as he phrased it, these two, according to Dick, having established some excluding secret union.
 
But the union was not exclusive, in so far as Peter was concerned. Shortly after my arrival young Hartung had begun running into the art room (so Peter told me) with amazing tales of the new man, his exploits in Chicago. I had been sent for to come to this paper—that was the great thing. I was vouched4 for by no less a person than John T. McEnnis, one of the famous newspaper men of St. Louis and a former city editor of this same paper; also by a Mr. Somebody (the Washington correspondent of the paper), for whom I had worked in Chicago on the World’s Fair. He had hurried to the art department with his tales of me, wishing, I fancy, to be on friendly and happy terms there. Dick, however, considered Hartung’s judgment5 as less than nothing, himself an upstart, a mere6 office rat; to have him endeavor to introduce anybody was too much. At first he received me very coldly, then finding me perhaps better than he thought, he hastened to make friends with me.
 
The halcyon7 hours with these two that followed. Not infrequently Peter and Dick would dine together at some downtown restaurant; or, if a rush of work were on and they were compelled to linger, they had a late supper in some German saloon. It was Peter who first invited me to one of these late séances, and later Wood did the same, but this last was based on another development in connection with myself which I should narrate8 here.
 
The office of the Globe proved a sprouting-bed for incipient9 literary talent. Hazard had, some fifteen or eighteen months before, in company with another newspaper man of whom later I heard amazing things, written a novel entitled Theo, which was plainly a bog-fire kindled10 by those blazing French suns, Zola and Balzac. The scene was laid in Paris (imagine two Western newspaper men who had never been out of America writing a novel of French life and laying it in Paris!) and had much of the atmosphere of Zola’s Nana, plus the delicious idealism of Balzac’s The Great Man from the Provinces. Never having read either of these authors at this time, I did not see the similarity, but later I saw it plainly. One or both of these men had fed up on the French realists to such an extent that they were able to create the illusion of France (for me at least) and at the same time to fire me with a desire to create something, perhaps a novel of this kind but preferably a play. It seemed intensely beautiful to me at the time, this book, with its frank pictures of raw, greedy, sensual human nature, and its open pictures of self-indulgence and vice11.
 
The way this came about was interesting but I would not relate it save that it had such a marked effect on me. I was sitting in the city reportorial room later one gloomy December afternoon, having returned from a fruitless assignment, when a letter was handed me. It was postmarked Chicago and addressed in the handwriting of Alice. Up to then I had allowed matters to drift, having, as I have said, written but one letter in which I apologized rather indifferently for having come away without seeing her. But my conscience had been paining me so much that when I saw her writing I started. I tore the letter open and read with a sense of shame:
 
“Dear Theo:
 
“I got your letter the day you left, but then it was too late. I know what you say is true, about your being called away, and I don’t blame you. I’m only sorry our quarrel” (there had been none save of my making) “didn’t let you come to see me before you left. Still, that was my fault too, I guess. I can’t blame you entirely12 for that.
 
“Anyhow, Theo, that isn’t what I’m writing you for. You know that you haven’t been just the same to me as you once were. I know how you feel. I have felt it too. I want to know if you won’t send me back the letters I wrote you. You won’t want them now. Please send them, Theo, and believe I am as ever your friend,
 
“Alice.”
There was a little blank space on the paper, and then:
 
“I stood by the window last night and looked out on the street. The moon was shining and those dead trees over the way were waving in the wind. I saw the moon on that little pool of water over in the field. It looked like silver. Oh, Theo, I wish I were dead.”
 
As I read this I jumped up and clutched the letter. The pathos13 of it cut me to the quick. To think I should have left her so! To think I should be here and she there! Why hadn’t I written? Why had I shilly-shallied these many days? Of course she wished to die. And I—what of me?
 
I went over the situation and tried to figure out what I should do. Should I send for her? Twenty dollars a week was very little for two. My legitimate14 expenses made a total of eleven a week. I wished to keep myself looking well, to have a decent room, to eat three fair meals a day. And I was in no position to return to Chicago, where I had earned less. Then my new friendships with Wood and McCord as well as with other newspaper men, nearly all of whom liked to drink, were costing me something extra; I could not associate with them without buying an occasional drink. I did not see where I was to save much or how I could support a wife. In addition, there was the newness of my position here. I could not very well leave it now, having just come from Chicago. By nature where things material of futurial were concerned I was timid, but little inclined to battle for my rights or desires, and consequently not often realizing them. I was in a trying situation, for I had, as I have said, let it appear to Alice that money was no object. With the vanity of youth, I had always talked of my good salary and comfortable position, and now that this salary and comfortable position were to be put to the test I did not know what to do about it. Honesty would have dictated15 a heartfelt confession16, of course.
 
But I made none. Instead I wavered between two horns of an ever-recurring dilemma17. Sympathizing with the pain which Alice was suffering, and alive to my own loss of honor and happiness, still I hesitated to pull down the fine picture of myself which I had so artistically18 built up, to reveal myself as I really was, a man unable to marry on his present salary. If I had loved her more, if I had really respected her, if I had not looked upon her as one who might be so easily put aside, I would have done something about it. My natural tendency was to drift, to wait and see, suffering untold19 agonies in the meanwhile. This I was preparing to do now.
 
These mental stresses were always sufficient, however, to throw me into a soulful mood. And now as I looked out of the window on the “fast widowing sky” it was with an ache that rivaled in intensity20 those melancholy21 moods we sometimes find interpreted by music. Indeed my heart was torn by the inextricable problems which life seemed ever to present and I fairly wrung22 my hands as I looked into the face of the hurrying world. How it was hastening away! How swiftly and insensibly my own life was slipping by! The few sweets which I had thus far tasted were always accompanied by such bitter repinings. No pleasure was without pain, as I had already seen, and life offered no solution. Only silence and the grave ended it all.
 
My body was racked with a fine tremor23, my brain ached. I went to my desk and took up a pencil. I sat looking into the face of the tangle24 as one might into the gathering25 front of a storm. Words moved in my brain, then bubbled, then marshaled themselves into curious lines and rhythms. I put my pencil to paper and wrote line after line.
 
Presently I saw that I was writing a poem but that it was rough and needed modifying and polishing. I was in a great fever to change it and did so but more eager to go on with my idea, which was about this tangle of life. I became so moved and interested that I almost forgot Alice in the process. When I read it over it seemed but a poor reflection of the thoughts I had felt, the great sad mood I was in. Then I sat there, dissatisfied and unhappy, resolving to write Alice and tell her all.
 
I took a pen and wrote her that I could not marry her now, that I was in no position to do so. Later, if I found myself in better shape financially, I would come back. I told her that I did not want to send back her letters, that I did not wish to think our love was at an end. I had not meant to run away. I closed by saying that I still loved her and that the picture she had painted of herself standing26 at the window in the moonlight had torn my heart. But I could not write it as effectually as I might have, for I was haunted by the idea that I should never keep my word. Something kept telling me that it was not wise, that I didn’t really want to.
 
While I was writing Hazard came into the room and glanced over my shoulder to where the poem was lying. “What you doing, Dreiser? Writing poetry?”
 
“Trying to,” I replied a little shamefacedly. “I don’t seem to be able to make much of it, though.” The while I was wondering at the novelty of being taken for a poet. It seemed such a fine thing to be.
 
“There’s no money in it,” he observed helpfully. “You can’t sell ’em. I’ve written tons of ’em, but it don’t do any good. You’d better be putting your time on a book or a play.”
 
A book or a play! I sat up. To be considered a writer, a dramatist—even a possible dramatist—raised me in my own estimation. Why, at this rate I might become one—who knows?
 
“I know it isn’t profitable,” I said. “Still, it might be if I wrote them well enough. It would be a great thing to be a great poet.”
 
Hazard smiled sardonically27. From his pinnacle28 of twenty-six years such aspirations29 seemed ridiculous. I might be a good newspaper man (I think he was willing to admit that), but a poet!
 
The discussion took the turn of book- and play-writing. He had written a book in connection with Young, I think his name was. He had lately been thinking of writing a play. He expatiated30 on the money there was to be made out of this, the great name some playwrights31 achieved. Look at Augustus Thomas now, who had once worked on the Star here. One of his pieces was then running in St. Louis. Look at Henry Blossom, once a St. Louis society boy, one of whose books was now in the local bookstore windows, a hit. To my excited mind the city was teeming32 with brilliant examples. Eugene Field had once worked here, on this very paper; Mark Twain had idled about here for a time, drunk and hopeless; W. C. Brann had worked on and gone from this paper; William Marion Reedy the same.
 
I returned to my desk after a time, greatly stirred by this conversation. My gloom was dissipated. Hazard had promised to let me read this book. This world was a splendid place for talent, I thought. It bestowed33 success and honor upon those who could succeed. Plays or books, or both, were the direct entrance to every joy which the heart could desire. Something of the rumored34 wonder and charm of the lives of successful playwrights came to me, their studios, their summer homes and the like. Here at last, then, was the equivalent of Dick’s wealthy girl!
 
I sat thinking about plays somewhat modified in my grief over Alice for the nonce, but none the less aware of its tremendous sadness. I read over my poem and thought it good, even beautiful. I must be a poet! I copied it and put a duplicate in Alice’s letter, and folded my own copy and put it in my pocket, close to my heart. It seemed as though I had just forged a golden key to a world of beauty and light where sorrow and want could never be.

点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 intimacy z4Vxx     
n.熟悉,亲密,密切关系,亲昵的言行
参考例句:
  • His claims to an intimacy with the President are somewhat exaggerated.他声称自己与总统关系密切,这有点言过其实。
  • I wish there were a rule book for intimacy.我希望能有个关于亲密的规则。
2 confided 724f3f12e93e38bec4dda1e47c06c3b1     
v.吐露(秘密,心事等)( confide的过去式和过去分词 );(向某人)吐露(隐私、秘密等)
参考例句:
  • She confided all her secrets to her best friend. 她向她最要好的朋友倾吐了自己所有的秘密。
  • He confided to me that he had spent five years in prison. 他私下向我透露,他蹲过五年监狱。 来自《简明英汉词典》
3 belittle quozZ     
v.轻视,小看,贬低
参考例句:
  • Do not belittle what he has achieved.不能小看他取得的成绩。
  • When you belittle others,you are actually the one who appears small.当你轻视他人时, 真正渺小的其实是你自己。
4 vouched 409b5f613012fe5a63789e2d225b50d6     
v.保证( vouch的过去式和过去分词 );担保;确定;确定地说
参考例句:
  • He vouched his words by his deeds. 他用自己的行动证明了自己的言辞。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • Have all those present been vouched for? 那些到场的人都有担保吗? 来自互联网
5 judgment e3xxC     
n.审判;判断力,识别力,看法,意见
参考例句:
  • The chairman flatters himself on his judgment of people.主席自认为他审视人比别人高明。
  • He's a man of excellent judgment.他眼力过人。
6 mere rC1xE     
adj.纯粹的;仅仅,只不过
参考例句:
  • That is a mere repetition of what you said before.那不过是重复了你以前讲的话。
  • It's a mere waste of time waiting any longer.再等下去纯粹是浪费时间。
7 halcyon 8efx7     
n.平静的,愉快的
参考例句:
  • He yearned for the halcyon day sof his childhood.他怀念儿时宁静幸福的日子。
  • He saw visions of a halcyon future.他看到了将来的太平日子的幻境。
8 narrate DFhxR     
v.讲,叙述
参考例句:
  • They each narrate their own tale but are all inextricably linked together.她们各自讲述自己的故事,却又不可避免地联系在一起。
  • He once holds the tear to narrate a such story to mine.他曾经含着泪给我讲述了这样的一个故事。
9 incipient HxFyw     
adj.起初的,发端的,初期的
参考例句:
  • The anxiety has been sharpened by the incipient mining boom.采矿业初期的蓬勃发展加剧了这种担忧。
  • What we see then is an incipient global inflation.因此,我们看到的是初期阶段的全球通胀.
10 kindled d35b7382b991feaaaa3e8ddbbcca9c46     
(使某物)燃烧,着火( kindle的过去式和过去分词 ); 激起(感情等); 发亮,放光
参考例句:
  • We watched as the fire slowly kindled. 我们看着火慢慢地燃烧起来。
  • The teacher's praise kindled a spark of hope inside her. 老师的赞扬激起了她内心的希望。
11 vice NU0zQ     
n.坏事;恶习;[pl.]台钳,老虎钳;adj.副的
参考例句:
  • He guarded himself against vice.他避免染上坏习惯。
  • They are sunk in the depth of vice.他们堕入了罪恶的深渊。
12 entirely entirely     
ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地
参考例句:
  • The fire was entirely caused by their neglect of duty. 那场火灾完全是由于他们失职而引起的。
  • His life was entirely given up to the educational work. 他的一生统统献给了教育工作。
13 pathos dLkx2     
n.哀婉,悲怆
参考例句:
  • The pathos of the situation brought tears to our eyes.情况令人怜悯,看得我们不禁流泪。
  • There is abundant pathos in her words.她的话里富有动人哀怜的力量。
14 legitimate L9ZzJ     
adj.合法的,合理的,合乎逻辑的;v.使合法
参考例句:
  • Sickness is a legitimate reason for asking for leave.生病是请假的一个正当的理由。
  • That's a perfectly legitimate fear.怀有这种恐惧完全在情理之中。
15 dictated aa4dc65f69c81352fa034c36d66908ec     
v.大声讲或读( dictate的过去式和过去分词 );口授;支配;摆布
参考例句:
  • He dictated a letter to his secretary. 他向秘书口授信稿。
  • No person of a strong character likes to be dictated to. 没有一个个性强的人愿受人使唤。 来自《简明英汉词典》
16 confession 8Ygye     
n.自白,供认,承认
参考例句:
  • Her confession was simply tantamount to a casual explanation.她的自白简直等于一篇即席说明。
  • The police used torture to extort a confession from him.警察对他用刑逼供。
17 dilemma Vlzzf     
n.困境,进退两难的局面
参考例句:
  • I am on the horns of a dilemma about the matter.这件事使我进退两难。
  • He was thrown into a dilemma.他陷入困境。
18 artistically UNdyJ     
adv.艺术性地
参考例句:
  • The book is beautifully printed and artistically bound. 这本书印刷精美,装帧高雅。
  • The room is artistically decorated. 房间布置得很美观。
19 untold ljhw1     
adj.数不清的,无数的
参考例句:
  • She has done untold damage to our chances.她给我们的机遇造成了不可估量的损害。
  • They suffered untold terrors in the dark and huddled together for comfort.他们遭受着黑暗中的难以言传的种种恐怖,因而只好挤在一堆互相壮胆。
20 intensity 45Ixd     
n.强烈,剧烈;强度;烈度
参考例句:
  • I didn't realize the intensity of people's feelings on this issue.我没有意识到这一问题能引起群情激奋。
  • The strike is growing in intensity.罢工日益加剧。
21 melancholy t7rz8     
n.忧郁,愁思;adj.令人感伤(沮丧)的,忧郁的
参考例句:
  • All at once he fell into a state of profound melancholy.他立即陷入无尽的忧思之中。
  • He felt melancholy after he failed the exam.这次考试没通过,他感到很郁闷。
22 wrung b11606a7aab3e4f9eebce4222a9397b1     
绞( wring的过去式和过去分词 ); 握紧(尤指别人的手); 把(湿衣服)拧干; 绞掉(水)
参考例句:
  • He has wrung the words from their true meaning. 他曲解这些字的真正意义。
  • He wrung my hand warmly. 他热情地紧握我的手。
23 tremor Tghy5     
n.震动,颤动,战栗,兴奋,地震
参考例句:
  • There was a slight tremor in his voice.他的声音有点颤抖。
  • A slight earth tremor was felt in California.加利福尼亚发生了轻微的地震。
24 tangle yIQzn     
n.纠缠;缠结;混乱;v.(使)缠绕;变乱
参考例句:
  • I shouldn't tangle with Peter.He is bigger than me.我不应该与彼特吵架。他的块头比我大。
  • If I were you, I wouldn't tangle with them.我要是你,我就不跟他们争吵。
25 gathering ChmxZ     
n.集会,聚会,聚集
参考例句:
  • He called on Mr. White to speak at the gathering.他请怀特先生在集会上讲话。
  • He is on the wing gathering material for his novels.他正忙于为他的小说收集资料。
26 standing 2hCzgo     
n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的
参考例句:
  • After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
  • They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。
27 sardonically e99a8f28f1ae62681faa2bef336b5366     
adv.讽刺地,冷嘲地
参考例句:
  • Some say sardonically that combat pay is good and that one can do quite well out of this war. 有些人讽刺地说战地的薪饷很不错,人们可借这次战争赚到很多钱。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • Tu Wei-yueh merely drew himself up and smiled sardonically. 屠维岳把胸脯更挺得直些,微微冷笑。 来自子夜部分
28 pinnacle A2Mzb     
n.尖塔,尖顶,山峰;(喻)顶峰
参考例句:
  • Now he is at the very pinnacle of his career.现在他正值事业中的顶峰时期。
  • It represents the pinnacle of intellectual capability.它代表了智能的顶峰。
29 aspirations a60ebedc36cdd304870aeab399069f9e     
强烈的愿望( aspiration的名词复数 ); 志向; 发送气音; 发 h 音
参考例句:
  • I didn't realize you had political aspirations. 我没有意识到你有政治上的抱负。
  • The new treaty embodies the aspirations of most nonaligned countries. 新条约体现了大多数不结盟国家的愿望。
30 expatiated 3513d35c00c23e49d849e519ca8f97e3     
v.详述,细说( expatiate的过去式和过去分词 )
参考例句:
  • The chairman expatiated for two hours on his plans for the company. 董事长用两小时阐述了公司的规划。 来自辞典例句
  • In contrition she expatiated on the beauty of the garden. 在后悔中,她反复谈论着花园的美丽。 来自辞典例句
31 playwrights 96168871b12dbe69e6654e19d58164e8     
n.剧作家( playwright的名词复数 )
参考例句:
  • We're studying dramatic texts by sixteenth century playwrights. 我们正在研究16 世纪戏剧作家的戏剧文本。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • Hung-chien asked who the playwrights were. 鸿渐问谁写的剧本。 来自汉英文学 - 围城
32 teeming 855ef2b5bd20950d32245ec965891e4a     
adj.丰富的v.充满( teem的现在分词 );到处都是;(指水、雨等)暴降;倾注
参考例句:
  • The rain was teeming down. 大雨倾盆而下。
  • the teeming streets of the city 熙熙攘攘的城市街道
33 bestowed 12e1d67c73811aa19bdfe3ae4a8c2c28     
赠给,授予( bestow的过去式和过去分词 )
参考例句:
  • It was a title bestowed upon him by the king. 那是国王赐给他的头衔。
  • He considered himself unworthy of the honour they had bestowed on him. 他认为自己不配得到大家赋予他的荣誉。
34 rumored 08cff0ed52506f6d38c3eaeae1b51033     
adj.传说的,谣传的v.传闻( rumor的过去式和过去分词 );[古]名誉;咕哝;[古]喧嚷
参考例句:
  • It is rumored that he cheats on his wife. 据传他对他老婆不忠。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • It was rumored that the white officer had been a Swede. 传说那个白人军官是个瑞典人。 来自辞典例句


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