Mamma was no longer with us, but our life went on as usual. We went to bed and got up at the same times and in the same rooms; breakfast, luncheon1, and supper continued to be at their usual hours; everything remained standing2 in its accustomed place; nothing in the house or in our mode of life was altered: only, she was not there.
Yet it seemed to me as though such a, misfortune ought to have changed everything. Our old mode of life appeared like an insult to her memory. It recalled too vividly4 her presence.
The day before the funeral I felt as though I should like to rest a little after luncheon, and accordingly went to Natalia Savishna's room with the intention of installing myself comfortably under the warm, soft down of the quilt on her bed. When I entered I found Natalia herself lying on the bed and apparently5 asleep, but, on hearing my footsteps, she raised herself up, removed the handkerchief which had been protecting her face from the flies, and, adjusting her cap, sat forward on the edge of the bed. Since it frequently happened that I came to lie down in her room, she guessed my errand at once, and said:
"So you have come to rest here a little, have you? Lie down, then, my dearest."
"Oh, but what is the matter with you, Natalia Savishna?" I exclaimed as I forced her back again. "I did not come for that. No, you are tired yourself, so you LIE down."
"I am quite rested now, darling," she said (though I knew that it was many a night since she had closed her eyes). "Yes, I am indeed, and have no wish to sleep again," she added with a deep sigh.
I felt as though I wanted to speak to her of our misfortune, since I knew her sincerity6 and love, and thought that it would be a consolation7 to me to weep with her.
"Natalia Savishna," I said after a pause, as I seated myself upon the bed, "who would ever have thought of this? "
The old woman looked at me with astonishment8, for she did not quite understand my question.
"Yes, who would ever have thought of it?" I repeated.
"Ah, my darling," she said with a glance of tender compassion9,
"it is not only 'Who would ever have thought of it?' but 'Who, even now, would ever believe it?' I am old, and my bones should long ago have gone to rest rather than that I should have lived to see the old master, your Grandpapa, of blessed memory, and Prince Nicola Michaelovitch, and his two brothers, and your sister Amenka all buried before me, though all younger than myself--and now my darling, to my never-ending sorrow, gone home before me! Yet it has been God's will. He took her away because she was worthy10 to be taken, and because He has need of the good ones."
This simple thought seemed to me a consolation, and I pressed closer to Natalia, She laid her hands upon my head as she looked upward with eyes expressive11 of a deep, but resigned, sorrow. In her soul was a sure and certain hope that God would not long separate her from the one upon whom the whole strength of her love had for many years been concentrated.
"Yes, my dear," she went on, "it is a long time now since I used to nurse and fondle her, and she used to call me Natasha. She used to come jumping upon me, and caressing13 and kissing me, and say, 'MY Nashik, MY darling, MY ducky,' and I used to answer jokingly, 'Well, my love, I don't believe that you DO love me. You will be a grown-up young lady soon, and going away to be married, and will leave your Nashik forgotten.' Then she would grow thoughtful and say, 'I think I had better not marry if my Nashik cannot go with me, for I mean never to leave her.' Yet, alas14! She has left me now! Who was there in the world she did not love? Yes, my dearest, it must never be POSSIBLE for you to forget your Mamma. She was not a being of earth--she was an angel from Heaven. When her soul has entered the heavenly kingdom she will continue to love you and to be proud of you even there."
"But why do you say 'when her soul has entered the heavenly kingdom'?" I asked. "I believe it is there now."
"No, my dearest," replied Natalia as she lowered her voice and pressed herself yet closer to me, "her soul is still here," and she pointed15 upwards16. She spoke17 in a whisper, but with such an intensity18 of conviction that I too involuntarily raised my eyes and looked at the ceiling, as though expecting to see something there. 'Before the souls of the just enter Paradise they have to undergo forty trials for forty days, and during that time they hover19 around their earthly home." [A Russian popular legend.]
She went on speaking for some time in this strain--speaking with the same simplicity20 and conviction as though she were relating common things which she herself had witnessed, and to doubt which could never enter into any one's head. I listened almost breathlessly, and though I did not understand all she said, I never for a moment doubted her word.
"Yes, my darling, she is here now, and perhaps looking at us and listening to what we are saying," concluded Natalia. Raising her head, she remained silent for a while. At length she wiped away the tears which were streaming from her eyes, looked me straight in the face, and said in a voice trembling with emotion:
"Ah, it is through many trials that God is leading me to Him. Why, indeed, am I still here? Whom have I to live for? Whom have I to love?"
"Do you not love US, then?" I asked sadly, and half-choking with my tears.
"Yes, God knows that I love you, my darling; but to love any one as I loved HER--that I cannot do."
She could say no more, but turned her head aside and wept bitterly. As for me, I no longer thought of going to sleep, but sat silently with her and mingled21 my tears with hers.
Presently Foka entered the room, but, on seeing our emotion and not wishing to disturb us, stopped short at the door.
"Do you want anything, my good Foka?" asked Natalia as she wiped away her tears.
"If you please, half-a-pound of currants, four pounds of sugar, and three pounds of rice for the kutia." [Cakes partaken of by the mourners at a Russian funeral.]
"Yes, in one moment," said Natalia as she took a pinch of snuff and hastened to her drawers. All traces of the grief, aroused by our conversation disappeared on, the instant that she had duties to fulfil, for she looked upon those duties as of paramount22 importance.
"But why FOUR pounds?" she objected as she weighed the sugar on a steelyard. "Three and a half would be sufficient," and she withdrew a few lumps. "How is it, too, that, though I weighed out eight pounds of rice yesterday, more is wanted now? No offence to you, Foka, but I am not going to waste rice like that. I suppose Vanka is glad that there is confusion in the house just now, for he thinks that nothing will be looked after, but I am not going to have any careless extravagance with my master's goods. Did one ever hear of such a thing? Eight pounds!"
"Well, I have nothing to do with it. He says it is all gone, that's all."
"Hm, hm! Well, there it is. Let him take it."
I was struck by the sudden transition from the touching23 sensibility with which she had just been speaking to me to this petty reckoning and captiousness24. Yet, thinking it over afterwards, I recognised that it was merely because, in spite of what was lying on her heart, she retained the habit of duty, and that it was the strength of that habit which enabled her to pursue her functions as of old. Her grief was too strong and too true to require any pretence25 of being unable to fulfil trivial tasks, nor would she have understood that any one could so pretend. Vanity is a sentiment so entirely26 at variance27 with genuine grief, yet a sentiment so inherent in human nature, that even the most poignant28 sorrow does not always drive it wholly forth29. Vanity mingled with grief shows itself in a desire to be recognised as unhappy or resigned; and this ignoble30 desire--an aspiration31 which, for all that we may not acknowledge it is rarely absent, even in cases of the utmost affliction--takes off greatly from the force, the dignity, and the sincerity of grief. Natalia Savishna had been so sorely smitten32 by her misfortune that not a single wish of her own remained in her soul--she went on living purely33 by habit.
Having handed over the provisions to Foka, and reminded him of the refreshments34 which must be ready for the priests, she took up her knitting and seated herself by my side again. The conversation reverted35 to the old topic, and we once more mourned and shed tears together. These talks with Natalia I repeated every day, for her quiet tears and words of devotion brought me relief and comfort. Soon, however, a parting came. Three days after the funeral we returned to Moscow, and I never saw her again.
Grandmamma received the sad tidings only on our return to her house, and her grief was extraordinary. At first we were not allowed to see her, since for a whole week she was out of her mind, and the doctors were afraid for her life. Not only did she decline all medicine whatsoever36, but she refused to speak to anybody or to take nourishment37, and never closed her eyes m sleep. Sometimes, as she sat alone in the arm-chair in her room, she would begin laughing and crying at the same time, with a sort of tearless grief, or else relapse into convulsions, and scream out dreadful, incoherent words in a horrible voice. It was the first dire38 sorrow which she had known in her life, and it reduced her almost to distraction39. She would begin accusing first one person, and then another, of bringing this misfortune upon her, and rail at and blame them with the most extraordinary virulence40, Finally she would rise from her arm-chair, pace the room for a while, and end by falling senseless to the floor.
Once, when I went to her room, she appeared to be sitting quietly in her chair, yet with an air which struck me as curious. Though her eyes were wide open, their glance was vacant and meaningless, and she seemed to gaze in my direction without seeing me. Suddenly her lips parted slowly in a smile, and she said in a touchingly41, tender voice: "Come here, then, my dearest one; come here, my angel." Thinking that it was myself she was addressing, I moved towards her, but it was not I whom she was beholding42 at that moment. "Oh, my love," she went on. "if only you could know how distracted I have been, and how delighted I am to see you once more!" I understood then that she believed herself to be looking upon Mamma, and halted where I was. "They told me you were gone," she concluded with a frown; "but what nonsense! As if you could die before ME!" and she laughed a terrible, hysterical43 laugh.
Only those who can love strongly can experience an overwhelming grief. Yet their very need of loving sometimes serves to throw off their grief from them and to save them. The moral nature of man is more tenacious44 of life than the physical, and grief never kills.
After a time Grandmamma's power of weeping came back to her, and she began to recover. Her first thought when her reason returned was for us children, and her love for us was greater than ever. We never left her arm-chair, and she would talk of Mamma, and weep softly, and caress12 us.
Nobody who saw her grief could say that it was consciously exaggerated, for its expression was too strong and touching; yet for some reason or another my sympathy went out more to Natalia Savishna, and to this day I am convinced that nobody loved and regretted Mamma so purely and sincerely as did that simple- hearted, affectionate being.
With Mamma's death the happy time of my childhood came to an end, and a new epoch45--the epoch of my boyhood--began; but since my memories of Natalia Savishna (who exercised such a strong and beneficial influence upon the bent46 of my mind and the development of my sensibility) belong rather to the first period, I will add a few words about her and her death before closing this portion of my life.
I heard later from people in the village that, after our return to Moscow, she found time hang very heavy on her hands. Although the drawers and shelves were still under her charge, and she never ceased to arrange and rearrange them--to take things out and to dispose of them afresh--she sadly missed the din3 and bustle47 of the seignorial mansion48 to which she had been accustomed from her childhood up. Consequently grief, the alteration49 in her mode of life, and her lack of activity soon combined to develop in her a malady50 to which she had always been more or less subject.
Scarcely more than a year after Mamma's death dropsy showed itself, and she took to her bed. I can imagine how sad it must have been for her to go on living--still more, to die--alone in that great empty house at Petrovskoe, with no relations or any one near her. Every one there esteemed51 and loved her, but she had formed no intimate friendships in the place, and was rather proud of the fact. That was because, enjoying her master's confidence as she did, and having so much property under her care, she considered that intimacies52 would lead to culpable53 indulgence and condescension54, Consequently (and perhaps, also, because she had nothing really in common with the other servants) she kept them all at a distance, and used to say that she "recognised neither kinsman55 nor godfather in the house, and would permit of no exceptions with regard to her master's property."
Instead, she sought and found consolation in fervent56 prayers to God. Yet sometimes, in those moments of weakness to which all of us are subject, and when man's best solace57 is the tears and compassion of his fellow-creatures, she would take her old dog Moska on to her bed, and talk to it, and weep softly over it as it answered her caresses58 by licking her hands, with its yellow eyes fixed59 upon her. When Moska began to whine60 she would say as she quieted it: "Enough, enough! I know without thy telling me that my time is near." A month before her death she took out of her chest of drawers some fine white calico, white cambric, and pink ribbon, and, with the help of the maidservants, fashioned the garments in which she wished to be buried. Next she put everything on her shelves in order and handed the bailiff an inventory61 which she had made out with scrupulous62 accuracy. All that she kept back was a couple of silk gowns, an old shawl, and Grandpapa's military uniform--things which had been presented to her absolutely, and which, thanks to her care and orderliness, were in an excellent state of preservation--particularly the handsome gold embroidery63 on the uniform.
Just before her death, again, she expressed a wish that one of the gowns (a pink one) should be made into a robe de chambre for Woloda; that the other one (a many-coloured gown) should be made into a similar garment for myself; and that the shawl should go to Lubotshka. As for the uniform, it was to devolve either to Woloda or to myself, according as the one or the other of us should first become an officer. All the rest of her property (save only forty roubles, which she set aside for her commemorative rites64 and to defray the costs of her burial) was to pass to her brother, a person with whom, since he lived a dissipated life in a distant province, she had had no intercourse65 during her lifetime. When, eventually, he arrived to claim the inheritance, and found that its sum-total only amounted to twenty-five roubles in notes, he refused to believe it, and declared that it was impossible that his sister-a woman who for sixty years had had sole charge in a wealthy house, as well as all her life had been penurious66 and averse67 to giving away even the smallest thing should have left no more: yet it was a fact.
Though Natalia's last illness lasted for two months, she bore her sufferings with truly Christian68 fortitude69. Never did she fret70 or complain, but, as usual, appealed continually to God. An hour before the end came she made her final confession71, received the Sacrament with quiet joy, and was accorded extreme unction. Then she begged forgiveness of every one in the house for any wrong she might have done them, and requested the priest to send us word of the number of times she had blessed us for our love of her, as well as of how in her last moments she had implored72 our forgiveness if, in her ignorance, she had ever at any time given us offence. "Yet a thief have I never been. Never have I used so much as a piece of thread that was not my own." Such was the one quality which she valued in herself.
Dressed in the cap and gown prepared so long beforehand, and with her head resting, upon the cushion made for the purpose, she conversed73 with the priest up to the very last moment, until, suddenly, recollecting74 that she had left him nothing for the poor, she took out ten roubles, and asked him to distribute them in the parish. Lastly she made the sign of the cross, lay down, and expired--pronouncing with a smile of joy the name of the Almighty75.
She quitted life without a pang76, and, so far from fearing death, welcomed it as a blessing77. How often do we hear that said, and how seldom is it a reality! Natalia Savishna had no reason to fear death for the simple reason that she died in a sure and certain faith and in strict obedience78 to the commands of the Gospel. Her whole life had been one of pure, disinterested79 love, of utter self-negation. Had her convictions been of a more enlightened order, her life directed to a higher aim, would that pure soul have been the more worthy of love and reverence80? She accomplished81 the highest and best achievement in this world: she died without fear and without repining.
They buried her where she had wished to lie--near the little mausoleum which still covers Mamma's tomb. The little mound82 beneath which she sleeps is overgrown with nettles83 and burdock, and surrounded by a black railing, but I never forget, when leaving the mausoleum, to approach that railing, and to salute84 the, plot of earth within by bowing reverently85 to the ground.
Sometimes, too, I stand thoughtfully between the railing and the mausoleum, and sad memories pass through my mind. Once the idea came to me as I stood there: "Did Providence86 unite me to those two beings solely87 in order to make me regret them my life long?"
妈妈已经不在了，但是我们的生活还是照老样子过下去；我们按照一定的钟点就寝和起床，还住在那些房间里；早点、晚茶、午饭、晚饭，都照往常的时间开；桌椅都摆在原来的地方，家里和我们的生活方式没有丝毫变化；只是她不在了……
我觉得，经过这样的不幸，一切都应该有所改变；我们的日常生活方式，在我看来是对她的悼念的一种侮辱，它清清楚楚地提醒我她不在了。
出殡的前一天，吃过午饭，我因了，于是到娜达丽雅·萨维什娜的房间里去，打算躺在她那柔软的羽毛床垫上，钻进暖和的绗过的被子。我进去时，娜达丽雅·萨维什娜躺在床上，大概是睡着了；听见我的脚步声，她微微欠起身来，掀开她盖在头上防苍蝇的羊毛披巾，扶正包发帽，坐到床边。
由于以前我时常到她的房里午睡，她猜到我的来意，于是一面从床边站起来，一面说：
“怎么样，我的宝贝，你大概是来休息的吧？躺下吧！”
“您怎么啦，娜达丽雅·萨维什娜？”我说，拉住她的胳臂，“我根本不是为这个来的……我是来……您自己也很累呀，快躺下吧。”
“不，少爷，我已经睡够了，”她对我说（我知道，她三昼夜没有睡了）。“况且，现在也睡不着，”她长叹了一声补充说。
我想跟娜达丽雅·萨维什娜谈谈我们的不幸：我知道她那份真诚和爱，因此同她抱头大哭一场对我会是一种安慰。
“娜达丽雅·萨维什娜，”我说，沉默了一会儿，坐在她的床上，“您料到这事了吗？”
老妇人带着莫名其妙和好奇的神色望了望我，大概不明白我为什么问她这个。
“谁会料到这事呢？”我重复了一句。
“噢，我的少爷，”她说着，投给我一个最温柔的同情的目光，“不但没有料到，就是现在我也不能设想啊！象我这样的老太婆，老早就该让我这把老骨头歇歇了；我何必还活着呢？我的老主人，你的外祖父，愿上帝保佑他的灵魂！尼古拉·米哈伊洛维奇公爵、他的两个兄弟、他的妹妹安娜，全都逝世了，他们都比我年轻，我的少爷，现在，显然是因为我的罪恶，她也比我先去了。这是上帝的旨意！上帝把她带走，是因为她配得上，上帝那里也需要好人呀。”
这种纯朴的想法给了我很大的慰藉，我更移近娜达丽雅·萨维什娜一些。她把手交叉在胸前，向上望了一眼；她那深陷的潮润的眼睛里流露出深沉而平静的悲哀。她坚信上帝不会使她同她全心全意地爱了多年的人分离多久了。
“是的，我的少爷，好象不久以前我还抚育她，用襁褓包住她，她管我叫‘娜莎’。她常常跑到我跟前，用小胳臂搂住我，开始吻我，说：
“我的娜莎，我的美人儿，你是我的母火鸡！”
“我就开玩笑说：‘不对，小姐，您并不爱我；等您长大了，结了婚，您就会忘了您的娜莎。’她想了一阵说：“不，要是不能把娜莎带去，我宁愿不结婚；我永远也不离开娜莎。’现在她离开我，不等着我了。您故去的妈妈，她多么爱我呀！说真的，她谁不爱呢？是的，少爷，千万不要忘记您的母亲；她不是凡人，而是天使。等她的灵魂将来到了天国里的时候，她还会爱您，为您高兴。”
“为什么您说，娜达丽雅·萨维什娜，‘将来到了天国的时候呢？’”我问。“我想，她现在已经在那里了。”
“不，少爷，”娜达丽雅·萨维什娜压低声音说，在床上坐得更挨近我，“她的灵魂现在就在这儿。”
她指指上面。她几乎是用耳语声说的，声音里充满了感情和确信。我不由自主地抬起眼来，望望檐板，在那里找寻什么东西。
“我的少爷，一个正直的灵魂必须经过四十道苦难，过了四十天，才能升到天堂，因此可能还留在自己家里。……”
她这样继续谈了好久，谈得那么朴实，那样满怀信心，好象在谈她亲眼看见的、谁都不会发生丝毫怀疑的、十分平常的事情一样。我屏息凝神地听着她讲，虽然对她的话并不十分懂，却完全相信她。
“是的，少爷，现在她就在这儿，望着我们，也许还在听我们说话呢。”娜达丽雅·萨维什娜结束说。
接着，她低下头，默不作声了。她需要一块手帕擦干落下的眼泪；她站起来，直勾勾地望着我的脸，用激动得发抖的声音说：
“通过这件事，上帝使我更接近他好几步。现在，这儿还给我留下什么呢？我为谁活着呢？我爱谁呢？”
“难道您不爱我们吗？”我责备说，几乎忍不住掉下泪来。
“天知道我多么爱你们这些宝贝，但是我从来没有，而且也不能，象爱她那样爱任何一个人。”
她说不下去了，转过身去，痛哭起来。
我再也不想睡了；我们面对面不声不响地坐着哭泣。
福加走进屋来；他看见我们这种情景，大概不愿意惊动我们，就停在门口，默默地、怯生生地张望着。
“你有什么事，福加？”娜达丽雅·萨维什娜问道，用手帕揩着眼泪。
“要一磅半葡萄干，四磅糖，三磅黍米，做八宝供饭 ① 。”
--------
①八宝供饭：举行丧礼的供在死者面前的饭。
“就来，就来，亲爱的，”娜达丽雅·萨维什娜说着，连忙吸了一撮鼻烟，快步走到箱子那边。当她在尽自己认为是十分重要的职责时，由我们的谈话所引起的悲哀连最后一点点痕迹都没有了。
“为什么要四磅？”她唠叨说，拿出糖在天平上称一称，“三磅半就够了。”
于是她从天平上取下几小块。
“昨天我刚给了他们八磅黍米，现在又来要，真不象话！随你的便，福加·狄米尼奇，但是这个万尼卡就高兴家里现在乱糟糟的，我再也不给黍米了：也许他想这样就可以混水摸鱼了。不，凡是主人的财产，我都不会马马虎虎。谁见过这样的事啊？要八磅！”
“怎么办呢？他说都用完了。”
“哦，好吧，在这儿，拿去！给他吧！”
她从同我谈话时那样令人感动的样子转变到埋怨唠叨和斤斤计较，当时使我大为吃惊。以后我考虑这一点时，才理解到，不管她的心里多么难受，她还有足够的精力去料理自己的事务，习惯的力量使她去完成日常的工作。悲哀对她发生那么强烈的影响，使她不觉得有必要来掩饰她能从事其他事情的事实；她甚至不会理解，怎么有人会产生这样的想法。
虚荣心同真正的悲哀是完全矛盾的感情，但是这种感情在人类天性中是那么根深蒂固，连最沉痛的悲哀都难得把它排除掉。在悲哀的时刻，虚荣心表现为希望显得伤心、不幸、或者坚强；我们并不承认这种卑鄙的愿望，但是它们从来，甚至在最沉痛的悲哀中，也不离开我们，它削弱了悲哀的力量、美德和真诚。但是娜达丽雅· 萨维什娜遭到的不幸使她悲痛万分，所以她的心灵中没有剩下半点私念，她只是照习惯行事。
给了福加所要的粮食，又提醒他要做馅饼来款待神甫以后，她就把他打发走，自己拿起编织的袜子，又在我旁边坐下来。
我们又谈起那些事情来，又哭了一阵，又擦了眼泪。
我同娜达丽雅·萨维什娜的谈话每天都要重复；她那沉静的眼泪和温和而虔诚的言语，使我轻松，使我得到安慰。
但是，不久以后我们就离别了。丧礼后三天，我们全家搬到莫斯科，我注定再也见不到她了。
我们到莫斯科以后，外祖母才得到这个可怕的消息，她悲伤欲绝。我们不能去见她，因为她整整一个星期都人事不省；医生们为她的生命担忧，尤其是因为她不但不肯眼药，而且不同任何人讲话，不睡觉，不吃任何东西。有时候，她孤单单地坐房里的安乐椅上，突然笑起来，随后又干哭一阵，她抽风，用疯狂的声音喊出一些荒谬或者可怕的话。这是损害了她的健康的第一个巨大的悲哀，这种悲哀使她陷入绝望。她需要为了自己的不幸而迁怒于人，于是就说些吓人的话，异常严厉地恐吓什么人，从椅子上跳起来，迈着迅速的大步在房里踱来踱去，随后就昏倒在地上。
有一次我到她的房里去，见她象往常一样坐在安乐椅上，显得很平静；但是，她的眼神使我大吃一惊。她的眼睛睁得大大的，目光茫然若失，毫无生气；她直勾勾地凝视着我，然而大概并没有看见我。她的嘴唇慢慢露出一丝微笑，她用动人的、温柔的声调说：“到这儿来，我的好孩子；来呀，我的宝贝！”我以为她是对我说的，于是走近些，但是她并不是望着我。“啊，要是你知道，我的心肝，我有多么痛苦，现在你来了我又多么高兴……”我明白她是在想像中见到了妈妈，于是我停住了。“人家对我说你不在了，”她接着说，皱皱眉头。“简直是胡说！难道你会死在我前头吗？”于是她以发出可怕的、歇斯底里的大笑声来。
只有会爱得强烈的人们，才能体会到强烈的痛苦；但是，那种对于爱的强烈要求正可以用作她们对抗悲伤的药剂，可能治愈他们。因此，人的精神力量比体力更富于生命力。悲伤从来也折磨不死人。
过了一个星期，外祖母能哭出来了，好些了。她清醒以后首先想到的就是我们，她对我们更加慈爱了。我们一直不离开她的安乐椅；她轻轻地哭泣，谈着妈妈的事情，温存地爱抚我们。
看见外祖母这么伤心，没有人会认为她是夸大了她的悲伤，那种悲伤的表现是猛烈而动人的；但是我，不知什么缘故，却更同情娜达丽雅·萨维什娜，我至今依然确信，没有人象那个心地纯洁、富于感情的人那样真挚而朴实地爱着妈妈，那么沉痛地哀悼她。
随着妈妈的逝世，我的幸福的童年也就结束了，开始了一个新的时期——少年时期；但是由于我对娜达丽雅·萨维什娜——我再也见不到她，她对我的个性和感情的发展和方向有过那么强有力的好影响——的回忆是属于第一个时期的，关于她和她的逝世我想再说几句。
我们离开以后，后来听留在乡下的人们对我讲，她因为没有事干，感到十分寂寞。虽然所有的箱子还由她掌管，她不断地翻箱倒柜，清理，晾晒，放好；但是她觉得缺少了她从小就习惯的、老爷们的乡间宅邸里的那种喧哗和忙乱。悲伤，生活方式的改变，没有事干，不久就发展成一种在她身上早有苗头的老年病。我母亲死后整整一年，她就得了水肿病，卧床不起了。
我想，娜达丽雅·萨维什娜孤零零地、举目无亲地生活在彼得洛夫斯科耶那幢空荡荡的大房子里固然很难过，而在那里死去可就会更加难过了。家里人人都很敬爱娜达丽雅·萨维什娜，但是她同任何人都没有交情，而且以此自豪。她认为，以她这种管家的地位，享有主人的信任，掌管着那么多装满各种各样物品的箱子，如果同任何人有交情，一定会使她徇私，迁就姑息，为了这个缘故，或者因为她同其他的仆人们毫无共同之处，她避开所有的人，总说她在家里跟谁都不沾亲带故，为了主人家的东西她对谁都是铁面无私。
她用热诚的祈祷向上帝述说自己的感情，从中寻求，并且找到了安慰；但是有时，在我们大家都容易遇到的感情脆弱的时刻，生物的眼泪和同情能令人获得最好的慰藉，她就把她的小哈巴狗放到床上（它的黄眼睛盯着她，舐她的手），同它讲话，一边爱抚它，一边轻轻地哭泣。当那只哈巴狗可怜地吠叫时，她就极力使它平静下来，说：“够了，不用你叫，我也知道我快死了！”
她临死前一个月，从自己的箱子里取出了些白棉布、白纱布和粉红丝带；靠着她的使女的帮助，给自己做了一件白衣服和一顶白帽子，把她丧礼上需要的一切最细小的东西都准备好了。她把主人的箱子也都清理好，一丝不苟地照着清单点交给管家的妻了。随后，她拿出以前我外祖母给她的两件绸衣服、一条古色古香的披巾，还有一件我外祖父的绣金军眼，也是交给她随她处置的。由于她小心保存，军服上的绣花和金带仍旧是崭新的，呢子也没有被虫蛀。
临死前她表示了这样一个愿望：把这些衣服中的一件，粉红色的那件，给沃洛佳做睡衣或者棉袄；另一件，棕色方格的，给我派作同样用场；披巾给柳博奇卡。我们中间谁先做了军官，她就把那件军服遗赠给哪个。她的其余的东西和金钱，除了四十卢布留作她的丧礼和超度灵魂之用外，她都给了自己的弟弟。她弟弟是个早就被解放了的农奴，住在一个遥远的省份里，生活十分放荡，因此她活着的时候同他一直没有任何来往。
当娜达丽雅·萨维什娜的弟弟来接受遗产时，结果死者的全部财产只值二十五个卢布票，他不相信这点，而且说，一个老太婆在有钱人家待了六十年，而且掌管着一切，省吃俭用了一辈子，连破布烂片都爱惜，居然什么也没有留下，这是不可能的。但是事实就是如此。
娜达丽雅·萨维什娜被病魔缠了两个月，她以真正基督徒的忍耐精神忍受着痛苦，既不抱急，也不诉苦，仅仅按照她的习惯，不住地呼唤上帝。在临死前一个钟头，她怀着平静的喜悦心情作了忏悔，领了圣餐，举行了临终涂油礼。
她请求家里所有的人饶恕她可能使他们受到的委屈，请求接受她仟悔的华西里神甫转告我们大家，说她不知道如何感激我们的恩典，并且说，如果由于她愚昧无知得罪了什么人的话，请求我们饶恕她。“但是我从来没有做过贼，我敢说，我从来没有偷过我主人的一针一线！”这是她最重视的自己身上的美德。
她穿戴上她准备好的衣服和帽子。把胳臂肘支在枕头上，同神甫一直谈到最后，当她想到她没有给穷人留下什么的时候，她掏出十个卢布，请求神甫在教区分给他们；随后她画了个十字，躺下来，最后又长叹了一声，带着愉快的笑容，呼唤了一声上帝。
她毫无悔恨地离开了人间，她不怕死，把死当作一种天惠。人们常常这么说，但是实际上这么想的却是多么少啊！娜达丽雅·萨维什娜能够不怕死，是因为她是怀着坚定不移的信念，完成了福音书上的训诫死去的。她一生都怀着纯洁、无私的爱和自我牺牲的精神。
如果她的信念能够更高尚，她的生命能够献给更远大的目标。结果会怎样呢？难道这个纯洁的灵魂就因此受到较少的敬爱和赞美吗？
她在这一生完成了最美好、最伟大的事业，毫无悔恨，毫无畏惧地死去了。
遵照她的遗愿，她被埋葬在距离我母亲坟墓前的小礼拜堂不远的地方。她长眠在一个长满荨麻和荆棘的小土墩下，四周围着黑色的栏杆。当我走出小礼拜堂的时候，我从来不忘记走到栏杆跟前，叩个头。
有时我在小礼拜堂和黑栏杆之间默默地站着。沉痛的回忆突然涌上我的心头。我想：难道上天把我同这两个人结合在一起，就是为了使我终身为她们惋惜吗？……
收听单词发音 |
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luncheon
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| n.午宴，午餐，便宴 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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din
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| n.喧闹声，嘈杂声 | |
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vividly
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| adv.清楚地，鲜明地，生动地 | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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compassion
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| n.同情，怜悯 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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expressive
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| adj.表现的，表达…的，富于表情的 | |
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caress
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| vt./n.爱抚，抚摸 | |
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caressing
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| 爱抚的，表现爱情的，亲切的 | |
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alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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upwards
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| adv.向上，在更高处...以上 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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intensity
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| n.强烈，剧烈；强度；烈度 | |
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hover
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| vi.翱翔，盘旋；徘徊；彷徨，犹豫 | |
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simplicity
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| n.简单，简易；朴素；直率，单纯 | |
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mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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paramount
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| a.最重要的，最高权力的 | |
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touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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captiousness
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| 吹毛求疵的 | |
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pretence
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| n.假装，作假；借口，口实；虚伪；虚饰 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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variance
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| n.矛盾，不同 | |
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poignant
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| adj.令人痛苦的，辛酸的，惨痛的 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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ignoble
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| adj.不光彩的，卑鄙的；可耻的 | |
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aspiration
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| n.志向，志趣抱负；渴望；(语)送气音；吸出 | |
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smitten
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| 猛打，重击，打击( smite的过去分词 ) | |
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purely
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| adv.纯粹地，完全地 | |
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refreshments
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| n.点心,便餐;(会议后的)简单茶点招 待 | |
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reverted
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| 恢复( revert的过去式和过去分词 )； 重提； 回到…上； 归还 | |
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whatsoever
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| adv.（用于否定句中以加强语气）任何；pron.无论什么 | |
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nourishment
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| n.食物，营养品；营养情况 | |
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dire
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| adj.可怕的，悲惨的，阴惨的，极端的 | |
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distraction
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| n.精神涣散，精神不集中，消遣，娱乐 | |
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virulence
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| n.毒力，毒性；病毒性；致病力 | |
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touchingly
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| adv.令人同情地，感人地，动人地 | |
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beholding
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| v.看，注视( behold的现在分词 )；瞧；看呀；（叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现）哎哟 | |
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hysterical
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| adj.情绪异常激动的，歇斯底里般的 | |
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tenacious
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| adj.顽强的，固执的，记忆力强的，粘的 | |
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epoch
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| n.(新)时代；历元 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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bustle
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| v.喧扰地忙乱，匆忙，奔忙；n.忙碌；喧闹 | |
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mansion
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| n.大厦，大楼；宅第 | |
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alteration
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| n.变更，改变；蚀变 | |
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malady
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| n.病，疾病(通常做比喻) | |
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esteemed
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| adj.受人尊敬的v.尊敬( esteem的过去式和过去分词 )；敬重；认为；以为 | |
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intimacies
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| 亲密( intimacy的名词复数 )； 密切； 亲昵的言行； 性行为 | |
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culpable
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| adj.有罪的，该受谴责的 | |
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condescension
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| n.自以为高人一等，贬低(别人) | |
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kinsman
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| n.男亲属 | |
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fervent
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| adj.热的，热烈的，热情的 | |
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solace
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| n.安慰；v.使快乐；vt.安慰(物)，缓和 | |
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caresses
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| 爱抚，抚摸( caress的名词复数 ) | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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whine
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| v.哀号，号哭；n.哀鸣 | |
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inventory
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| n.详细目录，存货清单 | |
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scrupulous
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| adj.审慎的，小心翼翼的，完全的，纯粹的 | |
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embroidery
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| n.绣花，刺绣；绣制品 | |
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rites
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| 仪式，典礼( rite的名词复数 ) | |
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intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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penurious
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| adj.贫困的 | |
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averse
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| adj.厌恶的；反对的，不乐意的 | |
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Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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fortitude
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| n.坚忍不拔；刚毅 | |
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fret
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| v.(使)烦恼；(使)焦急；(使)腐蚀，(使)磨损 | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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72
implored
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| 恳求或乞求（某人）( implore的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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conversed
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| v.交谈，谈话( converse的过去式 ) | |
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recollecting
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| v.记起，想起( recollect的现在分词 ) | |
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almighty
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| adj.全能的，万能的；很大的，很强的 | |
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pang
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| n.剧痛，悲痛，苦闷 | |
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blessing
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| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
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obedience
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| n.服从，顺从 | |
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disinterested
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| adj.不关心的，不感兴趣的 | |
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80
reverence
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| n.敬畏，尊敬，尊严；Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称；v.尊敬，敬畏，崇敬 | |
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81
accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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82
mound
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| n.土墩，堤，小山；v.筑堤，用土堆防卫 | |
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nettles
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| n.荨麻( nettle的名词复数 ) | |
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84
salute
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| vi.行礼，致意，问候，放礼炮；vt.向…致意，迎接，赞扬；n.招呼，敬礼，礼炮 | |
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reverently
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| adv.虔诚地 | |
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providence
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| n.深谋远虑，天道，天意；远见；节约；上帝 | |
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solely
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| adv.仅仅，唯一地 | |
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