January 11th.
The man in the hospital bed shifted his body slightly and stifled1 a groan2.
The nurse in charge of the ward3 got up from her table and came down to him. She shifted his pillows and moved him into a more comfortable position.
Angus MacWhirter only gave a grunt4 by way of thanks. He was in a state of seething5 rebellion and bitterness.
By this time it ought all to have been over. He ought to have been out of it all! Curse that damned ridiculous tree growing out of the cliff! Curse those officious sweethearts who braved the cold of a winter's night to keep a tryst6 on the cliff edge.
But for them (and the tree!) it would have been over - a plunge7 into the deep icy water, a brief struggle perhaps, and then oblivion - the end of a misused8, useless, unprofitable life.
And now where was he? Lying ridiculously in a hospital bed with a broken shoulder and with the prospect9 of being hauled up in a police court for the crime of trying to take his own life.
Curse it, it was his own life, wasn't it?
And if he had succeeded in the job, they would have buried him piously10 as of unsound mind!
Unsound mind, indeed! He'd never been saner11! And to commit suicide was the most logical and sensible thing that could be done by a man in his position.
Completely down and out, with his health permanently12 affected13, with a wife who had left him for another man. Without a job, without affection, without money, health or hope, surely to end it all was the only possible solution?
And now here he was in this ridiculous plight14. He would shortly be admonished15 by a sanctimonious16 magistrate17 for doing the common-sense thing with a commodity which belonged to him and to him only - his life.
He snorted with anger. A wave of fever passed over him.
The nurse was beside him again. She was young, red-haired, with a kindly18, rather vacant face.
"Are you in much pain?"
"No, I'm not."
"I'll give you something to make you sleep."
"You'll do nothing of the sort."
"But -"
"Do you think I can't bear a bit of pain and sleeplessness19?"She smiled in a gentle, slightly superior way.
"Doctor said you could have something."
"I don't care what doctor said."
She straightened the covers and set a glass of lemonade a little nearer to him. He said, slightly ashamed of himself: "Sorry if I was rude.""Oh, that's all right."
It annoyed him that she was so completely undisturbed by his bad temper. Nothing like that could penetrate20 her nurse's armour21 of indulgent indifference22. He was a patient - not a man.
He said: "Damned interference - all this damned interference ..."She said reprovingly: "Now, now, that isn't very nice.""Nice?" he demanded. "Nice? My God!"
She said calmly: "You'll feel better in the morning."He swallowed. "You nurses. You nurses! You're inhuman23, that's what you are!""We know what's best for you, you see."
"That's what's so infuriating! About you. About a hospital. About the world. Continual interference! Knowing what's best for other people. I tried to kill myself. You know that, don't you?"She nodded.
"Nobody's business but mine whether I threw myself off a bloody24 cliff or not. I'd finished with life. I was down and out!"She made a little clicking noise with her tongue. It indicated abstract sympathy. He was a patient. She was soothing25 him by letting him blow off steam.
"Why shouldn't I kill myself if I want to?" he demanded. She replied to that quite seriously. "Because it's wrong."She looked at him doubtfully. She was not disturbed in her own belief, but she was much too inarticulate to explain her reaction.
"Well -I mean - it's wicked to kill yourself. You've got to go on living whether you like it or not.""Why have you?"
"Well, there are other people to consider, aren't there?""Not in my case. There's not a soul in the world who'd be the worse for my passing on.""Haven't you got any relations? No mother or sisters or anything?""No. I had a wife once, but she left me - quite right, too! She saw I was no good.""But you've got friends, surely?"
"No, I haven't. I'm not a friendly sort of man. Look here, nurse, I'll tell you something. I was a happy sort of chap once. Had a good job and a good-looking wife. There was a car accident. My boss was driving the car and I was in it. He wanted me to say he was driving under thirty at the time of the accident. He wasn't. He was driving nearer fifty. Nobody was killed, nothing like that, he just wanted to be in the right for the insurance people. Well, I wouldn't say what he wanted. It was a lie. I don't tell lies."The nurse said: "Well, I think you were quite right. Quite right.""You do, do you? That pig-headedness of mine cost me my job. My boss was sore. He saw to it that I didn't get another. My wife got fed up seeing me much about unable to get anything to do. She went off with a man who had been my friend. He was doing well and going up in the world. I drifted along, going steadily26 down. I took to drinking a bit. That didn't help me to hold down jobs. Finally I came down to hauling - strained my inside - the doctor told me I'd never be strong again. Well, there wasn't much to live for then. Easiest way, and the cleanest way, was to go right out. My life was no good to myself or anyone else."The little nurse murmured: "You don't know that."He laughed. He was better-tempered already. Her naive27 obstinacy28 amused him.
"My dear girl, what use am I to anybody?"
She said confusedly: "You don't know. You may be - some day -""Some day? There won't be any some day. Next time I shall make sure."She shook her head decidedly.
"Oh, no," she said. "You won't kill yourself now." "Why not?" "They never do."He stared at her. "They never do." He was one of a class of would-be suicides. Opening his mouth to protest energetically, his innate29 honesty suddenly stopped him.
Would he do it again? Did he really mean to do it?
He knew suddenly that he didn't. For no reason. Perhaps the right reason was the one she had given out of her specialised knowledge. Suicides didn't do it again.
All the more he felt determined30 to force an admission from her on the ethical31 side.
"At any rate, I've got a right to do what I like with my own life.""No - no, you haven't."
"But why not, my dear girl, why?"
She flushed. She said, her fingers playing with the little gold cross that hung round her neck: "You don't understand. God may need you."He stared - taken aback. He did not want to upset her child-like faith. He said mockingly: "I suppose that one day I may stop a runaway32 horse and save a golden-haired child from death - eh? Is that it?"She shook her head. She said with vehemence33 and trying to express what was so vivid in her mind and so halting on her tongue: "It may be just by being somewhere - not doing anything - just by being at a certain place at a certain time - oh, I can't say what I mean, but you might just - just walk along a street some day and just by doing that accomplish something terribly important -perhaps even without knowing what it was."The red-haired little nurse came from the west coast of Scotland and some of her family had "the sight."Perhaps, dimly, she saw a picture of a man walking up a road on a night in September and thereby34 saving a human being from a terrible death ...
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1
stifled
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| （使）窒息， （使）窒闷( stifle的过去式和过去分词 )； 镇压，遏制； 堵 | |
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2
groan
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| vi./n.呻吟，抱怨；(发出)呻吟般的声音 | |
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3
ward
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| n.守卫，监护，病房，行政区，由监护人或法院保护的人（尤指儿童）；vt.守护，躲开 | |
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4
grunt
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| v.嘟哝；作呼噜声；n.呼噜声，嘟哝 | |
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5
seething
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| 沸腾的，火热的 | |
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6
tryst
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| n.约会；v.与…幽会 | |
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7
plunge
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| v.跳入，(使)投入，(使)陷入；猛冲 | |
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misused
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| v.使用…不当( misuse的过去式和过去分词 )；把…派作不正当的用途；虐待；滥用 | |
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9
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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10
piously
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| adv.虔诚地 | |
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11
saner
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| adj.心智健全的( sane的比较级 )；神志正常的；明智的；稳健的 | |
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12
permanently
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| adv.永恒地，永久地，固定不变地 | |
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13
affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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14
plight
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| n.困境，境况，誓约，艰难；vt.宣誓，保证，约定 | |
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15
admonished
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| v.劝告( admonish的过去式和过去分词 )；训诫；（温和地）责备；轻责 | |
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16
sanctimonious
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| adj.假装神圣的，假装虔诚的，假装诚实的 | |
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17
magistrate
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| n.地方行政官，地方法官，治安官 | |
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18
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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19
sleeplessness
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| n.失眠，警觉 | |
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20
penetrate
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| v.透(渗)入；刺入，刺穿；洞察，了解 | |
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21
armour
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| （=armor）n.盔甲；装甲部队 | |
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22
indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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23
inhuman
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| adj.残忍的，不人道的，无人性的 | |
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24
bloody
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| adj.非常的的；流血的；残忍的；adv.很；vt.血染 | |
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25
soothing
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| adj.慰藉的；使人宽心的；镇静的 | |
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26
steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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27
naive
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| adj.幼稚的，轻信的；天真的 | |
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28
obstinacy
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| n.顽固；（病痛等）难治 | |
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29
innate
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| adj.天生的，固有的，天赋的 | |
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30
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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31
ethical
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| adj.伦理的，道德的，合乎道德的 | |
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32
runaway
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| n.逃走的人，逃亡，亡命者；adj.逃亡的，逃走的 | |
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33
vehemence
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| n.热切；激烈；愤怒 | |
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34
thereby
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| adv.因此，从而 | |
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