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RACHEL
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FRIDAY, JULY 12, 2013
MORNING
I am exhausted1, my head thick with sleep. When Idrink, I hardly sleep at all. I pass out cold for anhour or two, then I wake, sick with fear, sick withmyself. If I have a day when I don’t drink, that nightI fall into the heaviest of slumbers3, a deepunconsciousness, and in the morning I cannot wakeproperly, I cannot shake sleep, it stays with me forhours, sometimes all day long.
There is just a handful of people in my carriagetoday, none in my immediate4 vicinity. There is noone watching me, so I lean my head against thewindow and close my eyes.
The screech5 of the train’s brakes wakes me. We’reat the signal. At this time of morning, at this time ofyear, the sun shines directly onto the back of thetrackside houses, flooding them with light. I canalmost feel it, the warmth of that morning sunshineon my face and arms as I sit at the breakfast table,Tom opposite me, my bare feet resting on top of hisbecause they’re always so much warmer than mine,my eyes cast down at the newspaper. I can feel himsmiling at me, the blush spreading from my chest tomy neck, the way it always did when he looked atme a certain way.
I blink hard and Tom’s gone. We’re still at thesignal. I can see Jess in her garden, and behind hera man walking out of the house. He’s carryingsomething—mugs of coffee, perhaps—and I look athim and realize that it isn’t Jason. This man is taller,slender, darker. He’s a family friend; he’s her brotheror Jason’s brother. He bends down, placing themugs on the metal table on their patio6. He’s acousin from Australia, staying for a couple of weeks;he’s Jason’s oldest friend, best man at their wedding.
Jess walks towards him, she puts her hands aroundhis waist and she kisses him, long and deep. Thetrain moves.
I can’t believe it. I snatch air into my lungs andrealize that I’ve been holding my breath. Why wouldshe do that? Jason loves her, I can see it, they’rehappy. I can’t believe she would do that to him, hedoesn’t deserve that. I feel a real sense ofdisappointment, I feel as though I have been cheatedon. A familiar ache fills my chest. I have felt this waybefore. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree,of course, but I remember the quality of the pain.
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1
exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的,精疲力尽的 | |
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ted
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| vt.翻晒,撒,撒开 | |
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slumbers
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| 睡眠,安眠( slumber的名词复数 ) | |
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immediate
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| adj.立即的;直接的,最接近的;紧靠的 | |
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screech
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| n./v.尖叫;(发出)刺耳的声音 | |
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patio
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| n.庭院,平台 | |
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lipstick
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| n.口红,唇膏 | |
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amends
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| n. 赔偿 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的,痛苦的;可怜的,糟糕的 | |
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noted
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| adj.著名的,知名的 | |
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browser
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| n.浏览者 | |
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thighs
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| n.股,大腿( thigh的名词复数 );食用的鸡(等的)腿 | |
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folder
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| n.纸夹,文件夹 | |
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hatred
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| n.憎恶,憎恨,仇恨 | |
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standing
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| n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的 | |
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obsessing
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| v.时刻困扰( obsess的现在分词 );缠住;使痴迷;使迷恋 | |
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confrontation
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| n.对抗,对峙,冲突 | |
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beckoning
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| adj.引诱人的,令人心动的v.(用头或手的动作)示意,召唤( beckon的现在分词 ) | |
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fumbling
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| n. 摸索,漏接 v. 摸索,摸弄,笨拙的处理 | |
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forefinger
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| n.食指 | |
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braced
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| adj.拉牢的v.支住( brace的过去式和过去分词 );撑牢;使自己站稳;振作起来 | |
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admonish
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| v.训戒;警告;劝告 | |
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racing
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| n.竞赛,赛马;adj.竞赛用的,赛马用的 | |
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itching
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| adj.贪得的,痒的,渴望的v.发痒( itch的现在分词 ) | |
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tonic
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| n./adj.滋补品,补药,强身的,健体的 | |
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tonics
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| n.滋补品( tonic的名词复数 );主音;奎宁水;浊音 | |
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irritable
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| adj.急躁的;过敏的;易怒的 | |
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distress
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| n.苦恼,痛苦,不舒适;不幸;vt.使悲痛 | |
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miller
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| n.磨坊主 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的,坚决的;明显的,明确的 | |
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desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地,绝望地,孤注一掷地 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前;向外,往外 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好,癖好;adj.弯的;决心的,一心的 | |
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aerobically
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| adv.aerobic(需氧的,需气的,生存于氧气中的)的变形 | |
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abruptly
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| adv.突然地,出其不意地 | |
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oblivious
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| adj.易忘的,遗忘的,忘却的,健忘的 | |
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rumbling
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| n. 隆隆声, 辘辘声 adj. 隆隆响的 动词rumble的现在分词 | |
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scrambled
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| v.快速爬行( scramble的过去式和过去分词 );攀登;争夺;(军事飞机)紧急起飞 | |
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tangled
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| adj. 纠缠的,紊乱的 动词tangle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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babbling
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| n.胡说,婴儿发出的咿哑声adj.胡说的v.喋喋不休( babble的现在分词 );作潺潺声(如流水);含糊不清地说话;泄漏秘密 | |
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steadfast
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| adj.固定的,不变的,不动摇的;忠实的;坚贞不移的 | |
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confinement
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| n.幽禁,拘留,监禁;分娩;限制,局限 | |
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boredom
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| n.厌烦,厌倦,乏味,无聊 | |
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anonymous
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| adj.无名的;匿名的;无特色的 | |
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jack
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| n.插座,千斤顶,男人;v.抬起,提醒,扛举;n.(Jake)杰克 | |
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veering
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| n.改变的;犹豫的;顺时针方向转向;特指使船尾转向上风来改变航向v.(尤指交通工具)改变方向或路线( veer的现在分词 );(指谈话内容、人的行为或观点)突然改变;(指风) (在北半球按顺时针方向、在南半球按逆时针方向)逐渐转向;风向顺时针转 | |
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ginger
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| n.姜,精力,淡赤黄色;adj.淡赤黄色的;vt.使活泼,使有生气 | |
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sneering
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| 嘲笑的,轻蔑的 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖,拉,拔出;adj.憔悴的,紧张的 | |
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eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 );眼睛也不眨一下;不露声色;面不改色 | |
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filthy
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| adj.卑劣的;恶劣的,肮脏的 | |
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throbbing
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| a. 跳动的,悸动的 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧,忧虑;惧怕,不敢;n.担忧,畏惧 | |
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metallic
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| adj.金属的;金属制的;含金属的;产金属的;像金属的 | |
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nausea
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| n.作呕,恶心;极端的憎恶(或厌恶) | |
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nauseated
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| adj.作呕的,厌恶的v.使恶心,作呕( nauseate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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flinch
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| v.畏缩,退缩 | |
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gulf
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| n.海湾;深渊,鸿沟;分歧,隔阂 | |
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exacerbates
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| n.使恶化,使加重( exacerbate的名词复数 )v.使恶化,使加重( exacerbate的第三人称单数 ) | |
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smeared
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| 弄脏; 玷污; 涂抹; 擦上 | |
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bruises
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| n.瘀伤,伤痕,擦伤( bruise的名词复数 ) | |
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dressing
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| n.(食物)调料;包扎伤口的用品,敷料 | |
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belly
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| n.肚子,腹部;(像肚子一样)鼓起的部分,膛 | |
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crumpled
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| adj. 弯扭的, 变皱的 动词crumple的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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vomit
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| v.呕吐,作呕;n.呕吐物,吐出物 | |
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halfway
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| adj.中途的,不彻底的,部分的;adv.半路地,在中途,在半途 | |
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fingerprints
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| n.指纹( fingerprint的名词复数 )v.指纹( fingerprint的第三人称单数 ) | |
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backwards
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| adv.往回地,向原处,倒,相反,前后倒置地 | |
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horrified
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| a.(表现出)恐惧的 | |
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puddle
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| n.(雨)水坑,泥潭 | |
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flip
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| vt.快速翻动;轻抛;轻拍;n.轻抛;adj.轻浮的 | |
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exasperation
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| n.愤慨 | |
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begrudge
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| vt.吝啬,羡慕 | |
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elusive
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| adj.难以表达(捉摸)的;令人困惑的;逃避的 | |
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