THURSDAY, MARCH 21, 2013
MORNING
I don’t lose. He should know this about me. I don’tlose games like this.
The screen on my phone is blank. Stubbornly,insolently blank. No text messages, no missed calls.
Every time I look at it, it feels like I’ve been slapped,and I get angrier and angrier. What happened to mein that hotel room? What was I thinking? That wemade a connection, that there was something realbetween us? He has no intention of going anywherewith me. But I believed him for a second—more thana second—and that’s what really pisses me off. I wasridiculous, credulous¹. He was laughing at me allalong.
If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying overhim, he’s got another think coming. I can live withouthim, I can do without him just fine—but I don’t liketo lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. Idon’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away.
I’m driving myself insane², I can’t help it. I can’t stopgoing back to that afternoon at the hotel and goingover and over what he said, the way he made mefeel.
Bastard³.
If he thinks I will just disappear, go quietly, he’smistaken. If he doesn’t pick up soon, I’m going tostop calling his mobile and call him at home. I’m notjust going to be ignored.
At breakfast, Scott asks me to cancel my therapysession. I don’t say anything. I pretend I haven’theard him.
“Dave’s asked us round to dinner,” he says. “Wehaven’t been over there for ages. Can you rearrangeyour session?”
His tone⁴ is light, as though this is a casual request,but I can feel him watching me, his eyes on my face.
We’re on the edge of an argument, and I have tobe careful.
“I can’t, Scott, it’s too late,” I say. “Why don’t youask Dave and Karen to come here on Saturdayinstead?” Just the thought of entertaining Dave andKaren at the weekend is wearing, but I’m going tohave to compromise.
“It’s not too late,” he says, putting his coffee cupdown on the table in front of me. He rests his handon my shoulder for just a moment, says, “Cancel it,OK?” and walks out of the room.
The second the front door closes, I pick up thecoffee cup and

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