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MEGAN
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THURSDAY, JUNE 13, 2013
MORNING
I can’t sleep in this heat. Invisible bugs1 crawl overmy skin, I have a rash on my chest, I can’t getcomfortable. And Scott seems to radiate warmth;lying next to him is like lying next to a fire. I can’tget far enough away from him and find myselfclinging to the edge of the bed, sheets thrown back.
It’s intolerable. I thought about going to lie down onthe futon in the spare room, but he hates to wakeand find me gone, it always leads to a row aboutsomething. Alternative uses for the spare room,usually, or who I was thinking about while I waslying there alone. Sometimes I want to scream athim, Just let me go. Let me go. Let me breathe.
So I can’t sleep, and I’m angry. I feel as thoughwe’re having a fight already, even though the fight’sonly in my imagination.
And in my head, thoughts go round and round andround.
I feel like I’m suffocating2.
When did this house become so bloody3 small?
When did my life become so boring? Is this reallywhat I wanted? I can’t remember. All I know is thata few months ago I was feeling better, and now Ican’t think and I can’t sleep and I can’t draw andthe urge to run is becoming overwhelming. At nightwhen I lie awake I can hear it, quiet but unrelenting,undeniable: a whisper in my head, Slip away. WhenI close my eyes, my head is filled with images of pastand future lives, the things I dreamed I wanted, thethings I had and threw away. I can’t get comfortable,because every way I turn I run into dead ends: theclosed gallery, the houses on this road, the stiflingattentions of the tedious Pilates women, the track atthe end of the garden with its trains, always takingsomeone else to somewhere else, reminding me overand over and over, a dozen times a day, that I’mstaying put.
I feel as though I’m going mad.
And yet just a few months ago, I was feeling better,I was getting better. I was fine. I was sleeping. Ididn’t live in fear of the nightmares. I could breathe.
Yes, I still wanted to run away. Sometimes. But notevery day.
Talking to Kamal helped me, there’s no denyingthat. I liked it. I liked him. He made me happier.
And now all that feels so unfinished—I never got tothe crux4 of it. That’s my fault, of course, because Ibehaved stupidly, like a child, because I didn’t likefeeling rejected. I need to learn to lose a little better.
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1
bugs
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| adj.疯狂的,发疯的n.窃听器( bug的名词复数 );病菌;虫子;[计算机](制作软件程序所产生的意料不到的)错误 | |
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suffocating
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| a.使人窒息的 | |
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bloody
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| adj.非常的的;流血的;残忍的;adv.很;vt.血染 | |
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crux
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| adj.十字形;难事,关键,最重要点 | |
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lurking
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| 潜在 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的;有决心的 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激,感谢 | |
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bin
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| n.箱柜;vt.放入箱内;[计算机] DOS文件名:二进制目标文件 | |
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depressed
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| adj.沮丧的,抑郁的,不景气的,萧条的 | |
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doorway
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| n.门口,(喻)入门;门路,途径 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地,无可非议地,彻底地 | |
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plunge
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| v.跳入,(使)投入,(使)陷入;猛冲 | |
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tack
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| n.大头钉;假缝,粗缝 | |
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sip
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| v.小口地喝,抿,呷;n.一小口的量 | |
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isolated
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| adj.与世隔绝的 | |
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dunes
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| 沙丘( dune的名词复数 ) | |
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tilts
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| (意欲赢得某物或战胜某人的)企图,尝试( tilt的名词复数 ) | |
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flip
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| vt.快速翻动;轻抛;轻拍;n.轻抛;adj.轻浮的 | |
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19
leaching
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| n.滤取,滤去v.(将化学品、矿物质等)过滤( leach的现在分词 );(液体)过滤,滤去 | |
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oblivious
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| adj.易忘的,遗忘的,忘却的,健忘的 | |
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irritable
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| adj.急躁的;过敏的;易怒的 | |
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touching
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| adj.动人的,使人感伤的 | |
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thigh
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| n.大腿;股骨 | |
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scent
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| n.气味,香味,香水,线索,嗅觉;v.嗅,发觉 | |
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astringent
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| adj.止血的,收缩的,涩的;n.收缩剂,止血剂 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的,坚决的;明显的,明确的 | |
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flickering
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| adj.闪烁的,摇曳的,一闪一闪的 | |
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guttering
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| n.用于建排水系统的材料;沟状切除术;开沟 | |
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exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的,精疲力尽的 | |
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chattering
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| n. (机器振动发出的)咔嗒声,(鸟等)鸣,啁啾 adj. 喋喋不休的,啾啾声的 动词chatter的现在分词形式 | |
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slates
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| (旧时学生用以写字的)石板( slate的名词复数 ); 板岩; 石板瓦; 石板色 | |
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lighter
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| n.打火机,点火器;驳船;v.用驳船运送;light的比较级 | |
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appease
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| v.安抚,缓和,平息,满足 | |
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