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MEGAN
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FRIDAY, JULY 12, 2013
MORNING
She’s forced my hand. Or maybe he has. My guttells me she. Or my heart tells me so, I don’t know.
I can feel her, the way I could before, curled up, aseed within a pod, only this seed’s smiling. Biding1 hertime. I can’t hate her. And I can’t get rid of her. Ican’t. I thought I would be able to, I thought I wouldbe desperate to scrape her out, but when I thinkabout her, all I can see is Libby’s face, her darkeyes. I can smell her skin. I can feel how cold shewas at the end. I can’t get rid of her. I don’t wantto. I want to love her.
I can’t hate her, but she scares me. I’m afraid ofwhat she’ll do to me, or what I’ll do to her. It’s thatfear that woke me just after five this morning,soaked in sweat despite the open windows and thefact that I’m alone. Scott’s at a conference,somewhere in Hertfordshire or Essex or somewhere.
He’s back tonight.
What is it with me, that I’m desperate to be alonewhen he’s here, and when he’s gone I can’t bear it?
I can’t stand the silence. I have to talk out loud justto make it go away. In bed this morning, I keptthinking, what if it happens again? What’s going tohappen when I’m alone with her? What’s going tohappen if he won’t have me, won’t have us? Whathappens if he guesses that she isn’t his?
She might be, of course. I don’t know, but I justfeel that she isn’t. Same way I feel that she’s a she.
But even if she isn’t, how would he know? He won’t.
He can’t. I’m being stupid. He’ll be so happy. He’llbe mental with joy when I tell him. The thought thatshe might not be his won’t even cross his mind.
Telling him would be cruel, it would break his heart,and I don’t want to hurt him. I’ve never wanted tohurt him.
I can’t help the way I am.
“You can help what you do, though.” That’s whatKamal says.
I called Kamal just after six. The silence was righton top of me and I was starting to panic. I thoughtabout ringing Tara—I knew she’d come running—butI didn’t think I could stand it, she’d be all clingy andoverprotective. Kamal was the only person I couldthink of. I called him at home. I told him I was introuble, I didn’t know what to do, I was freaking out.
He came over right away. Not quite without question,but almost. Perhaps I made things sound worse thanthey are. Perhaps he was afraid I was going to DoSomething Stupid.
We’re in the kitchen. It’s still early, just after seventhirty. He has to leave soon if he’s going to make hisfirst appointment. I look at him, sitting there acrossfrom me at our kitchen table, his hands foldedtogether
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1
biding
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| v.等待,停留( bide的现在分词 );居住;(过去式用bided)等待;面临 | |
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2
neatly
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| adv.整洁地,干净地,灵巧地,熟练地 | |
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jolts
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| (使)摇动, (使)震惊( jolt的名词复数 ) | |
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rumbling
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| n. 隆隆声, 辘辘声 adj. 隆隆响的 动词rumble的现在分词 | |
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exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的,精疲力尽的 | |
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runaway
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| n.逃走的人,逃亡,亡命者;adj.逃亡的,逃走的 | |
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7
blurring
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| n.模糊,斑点甚多,(图像的)混乱v.(使)变模糊( blur的现在分词 );(使)难以区分 | |
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8
standing
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| n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的 | |
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9
instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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10
muffled
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| adj.(声音)被隔的;听不太清的;(衣服)裹严的;蒙住的v.压抑,捂住( muffle的过去式和过去分词 );用厚厚的衣帽包着(自己) | |
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11
blurry
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| adj.模糊的;污脏的,污斑的 | |
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patio
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| n.庭院,平台 | |
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spat
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| n.口角,掌击;v.发出呼噜呼噜声 | |
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14
hips
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| abbr.high impact polystyrene 高冲击强度聚苯乙烯,耐冲性聚苯乙烯n.臀部( hip的名词复数 );[建筑学]屋脊;臀围(尺寸);臀部…的 | |
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skull
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| n.头骨;颅骨 | |
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ascending
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| adj.上升的,向上的 | |
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condemned
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| adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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bloody
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| adj.非常的的;流血的;残忍的;adv.很;vt.血染 | |
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confrontation
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| n.对抗,对峙,冲突 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的;有决心的 | |
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flirt
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| v.调情,挑逗,调戏;n.调情者,卖俏者 | |
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flirted
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| v.调情,打情骂俏( flirt的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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obsession
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| n.困扰,无法摆脱的思想(或情感) | |
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bruised
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| [医]青肿的,瘀紫的 | |
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makeup
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| n.组织;性格;化装品 | |
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whine
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| v.哀号,号哭;n.哀鸣 | |
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croak
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| vi.嘎嘎叫,发牢骚 | |
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animatedly
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| adv.栩栩如生地,活跃地 | |
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hunched
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| (常指因寒冷、生病或愁苦)耸肩弓身的,伏首前倾的 | |
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clenched
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| v.紧握,抓紧,咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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