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Chapter 18
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Or, rather--here I am. I am in Rome, and I am in trouble. The goons of Depression and Loneliness have barged into my life again, and I just took my last Wellbutrin three days ago. There are more pills in my bottom drawer, but I don't want them. I want to be free of them forever. But I don't want Depression or Loneliness around, either, so I don't know what to do, and I'm spiraling in panic, like I always spiral when I don't know what to do. So what I do for tonight is reach for my most private notebook, which I keep next to my bed in case I'm ever in emergency trouble. I open it up. I find the first blank page. I write:
"I need your help."
Then I wait. After a little while, a response comes, in my own handwriting:
I'm right here. What can I do for you?
And here recommences my strangest and most secret conversation.
Here, in this most private notebook, is where I talk to myself. I talk to that same voice I met that night on my bathroom floor when I first prayed to God in tears for help, when something (or somebody) had said, "Go back to bed, Liz." In the years since then, I've found that voice again in times of code-orange distress1, and have learned that the best way for me to reach it is written conversation. I've been surprised to find that I can almost always access that voice, too, no matter how black my anguish2 may be. Even during the worst of suffering, that calm, compassionate3, affectionate and infinitely4 wise voice (who is maybe me, or maybe not exactly me) is always available for a conversation on paper at any time of day or night.
I've decided5 to let myself off the hook from worrying that conversing6 with myself on paper means I'm a schizo. Maybe the voice I am reaching for is God, or maybe it's my Guru speaking through me, or maybe it's the angel who was assigned to my case, or maybe it's my Highest Self, or maybe it is indeed just a construct of my subconscious7
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收听单词发音

1
distress
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n.苦恼,痛苦,不舒适;不幸;vt.使悲痛 | |
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2
anguish
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n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦,烦恼 | |
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3
compassionate
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adj.有同情心的,表示同情的 | |
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4
infinitely
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adv.无限地,无穷地 | |
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5
decided
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adj.决定了的,坚决的;明显的,明确的 | |
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6
conversing
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v.交谈,谈话( converse的现在分词 ) | |
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7
subconscious
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n./adj.潜意识(的),下意识(的) | |
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8
torment
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n.折磨;令人痛苦的东西(人);vt.折磨;纠缠 | |
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9
consolation
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n.安慰,慰问 | |
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10
consolations
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n.安慰,慰问( consolation的名词复数 );起安慰作用的人(或事物) | |
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irrational
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adj.无理性的,失去理性的 | |
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12
jurisdiction
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n.司法权,审判权,管辖权,控制权 | |
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13
scrawling
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乱涂,潦草地写( scrawl的现在分词 ) | |
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14
pinpoint
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vt.准确地确定;用针标出…的精确位置 | |
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embarrassment
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n.尴尬;使人为难的人(事物);障碍;窘迫 | |
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16
reminder
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n.提醒物,纪念品;暗示,提示 | |
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17
buddy
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n.(美口)密友,伙伴 | |
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Chapter 17
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Chapter 19
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