Though, after all, everyone does do that; people do pride themselves on their diseases, and I do, may be, more than anyone. We will not dispute it; my contention3 was absurd. But yet I am firmly persuaded that a great deal of consciousness, every sort of consciousness, in fact, is a disease. I stick to that. Let us leave that, too, for a minute. Tell me this: why does it happen that at the very, yes, at the very moments when I am most capable of feeling every refinement4 of all that is “sublime and beautiful,” as they used to say at one time, it would, as though of design, happen to me not only to feel but to do such ugly things, such that . . . Well, in short, actions that all, perhaps, commit; but which, as though purposely, occurred to me at the very time when I was most conscious that they ought not to be committed. The more conscious I was of goodness and of all that was “sublime and beautiful,” the more deeply I sank into my mire5 and the more ready I was to sink in it altogether. But the chief point was that all this was, as it were, not accidental in me, but as though it were bound to be so. It was as though it were my most normal condition, and not in the least disease or depravity, so that at last all desire in me to struggle against this depravity passed. It ended by my almost believing (perhaps actually believing) that this was perhaps my normal condition. But at first, in the beginning, what agonies I endured in that struggle! I did not believe it was the same with other people, and all my life I hid this fact about myself as a secret. I was ashamed (even now, perhaps, I am ashamed): I got to the point of feeling a sort of secret abnormal, despicable enjoyment6 in returning home to my corner on some disgusting Petersburg night, acutely conscious that that day I had committed a loathsome7 action again, that what was done could never be undone8, and secretly, inwardly gnawing9, gnawing at myself for it, tearing and consuming myself till at last the bitterness turned into a sort of shameful10 accursed sweetness, and at last — into positive real enjoyment! Yes, into enjoyment, into enjoyment! I insist upon that. I have spoken of this because I keep wanting to know for a fact whether other people feel such enjoyment? I will explain; the enjoyment was just from the too intense consciousness of one’s own degradation11; it was from feeling oneself that one had reached the last barrier, that it was horrible, but that it could not be otherwise; that there was no escape for you; that you never could become a different man; that even if time and faith were still left you to change into something different you would most likely not wish to change; or if you did wish to, even then you would do nothing; because perhaps in reality there was nothing for you to change into.
And the worst of it was, and the root of it all, that it was all in accord with the normal fundamental laws of over-acute consciousness, and with the inertia12 that was the direct result of those laws, and that consequently one was not only unable to change but could do absolutely nothing. Thus it would follow, as the result of acute consciousness, that one is not to blame in being a scoundrel; as though that were any consolation13 to the scoundrel once he has come to realise that he actually is a scoundrel. But enough. . . . Ech, I have talked a lot of nonsense, but what have I explained? How is enjoyment in this to be explained? But I will explain it. I will get to the bottom of it! That is why I have taken up my pen. . . .
I, for instance, have a great deal of AMOUR PROPRE. I am as suspicious and prone14 to take offence as a humpback or a dwarf15. But upon my word I sometimes have had moments when if I had happened to be slapped in the face I should, perhaps, have been positively16 glad of it. I say, in earnest, that I should probably have been able to discover even in that a peculiar17 sort of enjoyment — the enjoyment, of course, of despair; but in despair there are the most intense enjoyments18, especially when one is very acutely conscious of the hopelessness of one’s position. And when one is slapped in the face — why then the consciousness of being rubbed into a pulp19 would positively overwhelm one. The worst of it is, look at it which way one will, it still turns out that I was always the most to blame in everything. And what is most humiliating of all, to blame for no fault of my own but, so to say, through the laws of nature. In the first place, to blame because I am cleverer than any of the people surrounding me. (I have always considered myself cleverer than any of the people surrounding me, and sometimes, would you believe it, have been positively ashamed of it. At any rate, I have all my life, as it were, turned my eyes away and never could look people straight in the face.) To blame, finally, because even if I had had magnanimity, I should only have had more suffering from the sense of its uselessness. I should certainly have never been able to do anything from being magnanimous — neither to forgive, for my assailant would perhaps have slapped me from the laws of nature, and one cannot forgive the laws of nature; nor to forget, for even if it were owing to the laws of nature, it is insulting all the same. Finally, even if I had wanted to be anything but magnanimous, had desired on the contrary to revenge myself on my assailant, I could not have revenged myself on any one for anything because I should certainly never have made up my mind to do anything, even if I had been able to. Why should I not have made up my mind? About that in particular I want to say a few words.
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1
intentional
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adj.故意的,有意(识)的 | |
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2
witty
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adj.机智的,风趣的 | |
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3
contention
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n.争论,争辩,论战;论点,主张 | |
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4
refinement
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n.文雅;高尚;精美;精制;精炼 | |
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5
mire
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n.泥沼,泥泞;v.使...陷于泥泞,使...陷入困境 | |
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6
enjoyment
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n.乐趣;享有;享用 | |
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7
loathsome
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adj.讨厌的,令人厌恶的 | |
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8
undone
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a.未做完的,未完成的 | |
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9
gnawing
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a.痛苦的,折磨人的 | |
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10
shameful
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adj.可耻的,不道德的 | |
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11
degradation
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n.降级;低落;退化;陵削;降解;衰变 | |
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12
inertia
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adj.惰性,惯性,懒惰,迟钝 | |
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13
consolation
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n.安慰,慰问 | |
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14
prone
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adj.(to)易于…的,很可能…的;俯卧的 | |
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15
dwarf
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n.矮子,侏儒,矮小的动植物;vt.使…矮小 | |
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16
positively
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adv.明确地,断然,坚决地;实在,确实 | |
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17
peculiar
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adj.古怪的,异常的;特殊的,特有的 | |
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18
enjoyments
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愉快( enjoyment的名词复数 ); 令人愉快的事物; 享有; 享受 | |
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19
pulp
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n.果肉,纸浆;v.化成纸浆,除去...果肉,制成纸浆 | |
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