小说搜索     点击排行榜   最新入库
首页 » 英文短篇小说 » Notes from Underground » Chapter II
选择底色: 选择字号:【大】【中】【小】
Chapter II
关注小说网官方公众号(noveltingroom),原版名著免费领。
I want now to tell you, gentlemen, whether you care to hear it or not, why I could not even become an insect. I tell you solemnly, that I have many times tried to become an insect. But I was not equal even to that. I swear, gentlemen, that to be too conscious is an illness — a real thorough-going illness. For man’s everyday needs, it would have been quite enough to have the ordinary human consciousness, that is, half or a quarter of the amount which falls to the lot of a cultivated man of our unhappy nineteenth century, especially one who has the fatal ill-luck to inhabit Petersburg, the most theoretical and intentional1 town on the whole terrestrial globe. (There are intentional and unintentional towns.) It would have been quite enough, for instance, to have the consciousness by which all so-called direct persons and men of action live. I bet you think I am writing all this from affectation, to be witty2 at the expense of men of action; and what is more, that from ill-bred affectation, I am clanking a sword like my officer. But, gentlemen, whoever can pride himself on his diseases and even swagger over them?

Though, after all, everyone does do that; people do pride themselves on their diseases, and I do, may be, more than anyone. We will not dispute it; my contention3 was absurd. But yet I am firmly persuaded that a great deal of consciousness, every sort of consciousness, in fact, is a disease. I stick to that. Let us leave that, too, for a minute. Tell me this: why does it happen that at the very, yes, at the very moments when I am most capable of feeling every refinement4 of all that is “sublime and beautiful,” as they used to say at one time, it would, as though of design, happen to me not only to feel but to do such ugly things, such that . . . Well, in short, actions that all, perhaps, commit; but which, as though purposely, occurred to me at the very time when I was most conscious that they ought not to be committed. The more conscious I was of goodness and of all that was “sublime and beautiful,” the more deeply I sank into my mire5 and the more ready I was to sink in it altogether. But the chief point was that all this was, as it were, not accidental in me, but as though it were bound to be so. It was as though it were my most normal condition, and not in the least disease or depravity, so that at last all desire in me to struggle against this depravity passed. It ended by my almost believing (perhaps actually believing) that this was perhaps my normal condition. But at first, in the beginning, what agonies I endured in that struggle! I did not believe it was the same with other people, and all my life I hid this fact about myself as a secret. I was ashamed (even now, perhaps, I am ashamed): I got to the point of feeling a sort of secret abnormal, despicable enjoyment6 in returning home to my corner on some disgusting Petersburg night, acutely conscious that that day I had committed a loathsome7 action again, that what was done could never be undone8, and secretly, inwardly gnawing9, gnawing at myself for it, tearing and consuming myself till at last the bitterness turned into a sort of shameful10 accursed sweetness, and at last — into positive real enjoyment! Yes, into enjoyment, into enjoyment! I insist upon that. I have spoken of this because I keep wanting to know for a fact whether other people feel such enjoyment? I will explain; the enjoyment was just from the too intense consciousness of one’s own degradation11; it was from feeling oneself that one had reached the last barrier, that it was horrible, but that it could not be otherwise; that there was no escape for you; that you never could become a different man; that even if time and faith were still left you to change into something different you would most likely not wish to change; or if you did wish to, even then you would do nothing; because perhaps in reality there was nothing for you to change into.

And the worst of it was, and the root of it all, that it was all in accord with the normal fundamental laws of over-acute consciousness, and with the inertia12 that was the direct result of those laws, and that consequently one was not only unable to change but could do absolutely nothing. Thus it would follow, as the result of acute consciousness, that one is not to blame in being a scoundrel; as though that were any consolation13 to the scoundrel once he has come to realise that he actually is a scoundrel. But enough. . . . Ech, I have talked a lot of nonsense, but what have I explained? How is enjoyment in this to be explained? But I will explain it. I will get to the bottom of it! That is why I have taken up my pen. . . .

I, for instance, have a great deal of AMOUR PROPRE. I am as suspicious and prone14 to take offence as a humpback or a dwarf15. But upon my word I sometimes have had moments when if I had happened to be slapped in the face I should, perhaps, have been positively16 glad of it. I say, in earnest, that I should probably have been able to discover even in that a peculiar17 sort of enjoyment — the enjoyment, of course, of despair; but in despair there are the most intense enjoyments18, especially when one is very acutely conscious of the hopelessness of one’s position. And when one is slapped in the face — why then the consciousness of being rubbed into a pulp19 would positively overwhelm one. The worst of it is, look at it which way one will, it still turns out that I was always the most to blame in everything. And what is most humiliating of all, to blame for no fault of my own but, so to say, through the laws of nature. In the first place, to blame because I am cleverer than any of the people surrounding me. (I have always considered myself cleverer than any of the people surrounding me, and sometimes, would you believe it, have been positively ashamed of it. At any rate, I have all my life, as it were, turned my eyes away and never could look people straight in the face.) To blame, finally, because even if I had had magnanimity, I should only have had more suffering from the sense of its uselessness. I should certainly have never been able to do anything from being magnanimous — neither to forgive, for my assailant would perhaps have slapped me from the laws of nature, and one cannot forgive the laws of nature; nor to forget, for even if it were owing to the laws of nature, it is insulting all the same. Finally, even if I had wanted to be anything but magnanimous, had desired on the contrary to revenge myself on my assailant, I could not have revenged myself on any one for anything because I should certainly never have made up my mind to do anything, even if I had been able to. Why should I not have made up my mind? About that in particular I want to say a few words.

点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 intentional 65Axb     
adj.故意的,有意(识)的
参考例句:
  • Let me assure you that it was not intentional.我向你保证那不是故意的。
  • His insult was intentional.他的侮辱是有意的。
2 witty GMmz0     
adj.机智的,风趣的
参考例句:
  • Her witty remarks added a little salt to the conversation.她的妙语使谈话增添了一些风趣。
  • He scored a bull's-eye in their argument with that witty retort.在他们的辩论中他那一句机智的反驳击中了要害。
3 contention oZ5yd     
n.争论,争辩,论战;论点,主张
参考例句:
  • The pay increase is the key point of contention. 加薪是争论的焦点。
  • The real bone of contention,as you know,is money.你知道,争论的真正焦点是钱的问题。
4 refinement kinyX     
n.文雅;高尚;精美;精制;精炼
参考例句:
  • Sally is a woman of great refinement and beauty. 莎莉是个温文尔雅又很漂亮的女士。
  • Good manners and correct speech are marks of refinement.彬彬有礼和谈吐得体是文雅的标志。
5 mire 57ZzT     
n.泥沼,泥泞;v.使...陷于泥泞,使...陷入困境
参考例句:
  • I don't want my son's good name dragged through the mire.我不想使我儿子的名誉扫地。
  • He has rescued me from the mire of misery.他把我从苦海里救了出来。
6 enjoyment opaxV     
n.乐趣;享有;享用
参考例句:
  • Your company adds to the enjoyment of our visit. 有您的陪同,我们这次访问更加愉快了。
  • After each joke the old man cackled his enjoyment.每逢讲完一个笑话,这老人就呵呵笑着表示他的高兴。
7 loathsome Vx5yX     
adj.讨厌的,令人厌恶的
参考例句:
  • The witch hid her loathsome face with her hands.巫婆用手掩住她那张令人恶心的脸。
  • Some people think that snakes are loathsome creatures.有些人觉得蛇是令人憎恶的动物。
8 undone JfJz6l     
a.未做完的,未完成的
参考例句:
  • He left nothing undone that needed attention.所有需要注意的事他都注意到了。
9 gnawing GsWzWk     
a.痛苦的,折磨人的
参考例句:
  • The dog was gnawing a bone. 那狗在啃骨头。
  • These doubts had been gnawing at him for some time. 这些疑虑已经折磨他一段时间了。
10 shameful DzzwR     
adj.可耻的,不道德的
参考例句:
  • It is very shameful of him to show off.他向人炫耀自己,真不害臊。
  • We must expose this shameful activity to the newspapers.我们一定要向报社揭露这一无耻行径。
11 degradation QxKxL     
n.降级;低落;退化;陵削;降解;衰变
参考例句:
  • There are serious problems of land degradation in some arid zones.在一些干旱地带存在严重的土地退化问题。
  • Gambling is always coupled with degradation.赌博总是与堕落相联系。
12 inertia sbGzg     
adj.惰性,惯性,懒惰,迟钝
参考例句:
  • We had a feeling of inertia in the afternoon.下午我们感觉很懒。
  • Inertia carried the plane onto the ground.飞机靠惯性着陆。
13 consolation WpbzC     
n.安慰,慰问
参考例句:
  • The children were a great consolation to me at that time.那时孩子们成了我的莫大安慰。
  • This news was of little consolation to us.这个消息对我们来说没有什么安慰。
14 prone 50bzu     
adj.(to)易于…的,很可能…的;俯卧的
参考例句:
  • Some people are prone to jump to hasty conclusions.有些人往往作出轻率的结论。
  • He is prone to lose his temper when people disagree with him.人家一不同意他的意见,他就发脾气。
15 dwarf EkjzH     
n.矮子,侏儒,矮小的动植物;vt.使…矮小
参考例句:
  • The dwarf's long arms were not proportional to his height.那侏儒的长臂与他的身高不成比例。
  • The dwarf shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. 矮子耸耸肩膀,摇摇头。
16 positively vPTxw     
adv.明确地,断然,坚决地;实在,确实
参考例句:
  • She was positively glowing with happiness.她满脸幸福。
  • The weather was positively poisonous.这天气着实讨厌。
17 peculiar cinyo     
adj.古怪的,异常的;特殊的,特有的
参考例句:
  • He walks in a peculiar fashion.他走路的样子很奇特。
  • He looked at me with a very peculiar expression.他用一种很奇怪的表情看着我。
18 enjoyments 8e942476c02b001997fdec4a72dbed6f     
愉快( enjoyment的名词复数 ); 令人愉快的事物; 享有; 享受
参考例句:
  • He is fond of worldly enjoyments. 他喜爱世俗的享乐。
  • The humanities and amenities of life had no attraction for him--its peaceful enjoyments no charm. 对他来说,生活中的人情和乐趣并没有吸引力——生活中的恬静的享受也没有魅力。
19 pulp Qt4y9     
n.果肉,纸浆;v.化成纸浆,除去...果肉,制成纸浆
参考例句:
  • The pulp of this watermelon is too spongy.这西瓜瓤儿太肉了。
  • The company manufactures pulp and paper products.这个公司制造纸浆和纸产品。


欢迎访问英文小说网

©英文小说网 2005-2010

有任何问题,请给我们留言,管理员邮箱:tinglishi@gmail.com  站长QQ :点击发送消息和我们联系56065533