He told his brothers he would have them to know that he was their elder, and consequently his father’s sole heir; nay4, a while after, he would not allow them to call him brother, but Mr. Peter; and then he must be styled Father Peter, and sometimes My Lord Peter. To support this grandeur5, which he soon began to consider could not be maintained without a better fonde than what he was born to, after much thought he cast about at last to turn projector6 and virtuoso7, wherein he so well succeeded, that many famous discoveries, projects, and machines which bear great vogue8 and practice at present in the world, are owing entirely9 to Lord Peter’s invention. I will deduce the best account I have been able to collect of the chief amongst them, without considering much the order they came out in, because I think authors are not well agreed as to that point.
I hope when this treatise10 of mine shall be translated into foreign languages (as I may without vanity affirm that the labour of collecting, the faithfulness in recounting, and the great usefulness of the matter to the public, will amply deserve that justice), that of the several Academies abroad, especially those of France and Italy, will favourably11 accept these humble12 offers for the advancement13 of universal knowledge. I do also advertise the most reverend fathers the Eastern missionaries14 that I have purely15 for their sakes made use of such words and phrases as will best admit an easy turn into any of the Oriental languages, especially the Chinese. And so I proceed with great content of mind upon reflecting how much emolument16 this whole globe of earth is like to reap by my labours.
The first undertaking17 of Lord Peter was to purchase a large continent, lately said to have been discovered in Terra Australis incognita. This tract18 of land he bought at a very great pennyworth from the discoverers themselves (though some pretended to doubt whether they had ever been there), and then retailed19 it into several cantons to certain dealers20, who carried over colonies, but were all shipwrecked in the voyage; upon which Lord Peter sold the said continent to other customers again and again, and again and again, with the same success.
The second project I shall mention was his sovereign remedy for the worms, especially those in the spleen. The patient was to eat nothing after supper for three nights; as soon as he went to bed, he was carefully to lie on one side, and when he grew weary, to turn upon the other. He must also duly confine his two eyes to the same object, and by no means break wind at both ends together without manifest occasion. These prescriptions21 diligently22 observed, the worms would void insensibly by perspiration23 ascending24 through the brain.
A third invention was the erecting25 of a whispering-office for the public good and ease of all such as are hypochondriacal or troubled with the cholic, as likewise of all eavesdroppers, physicians, midwives, small politicians, friends fallen out, repeating poets, lovers happy or in despair, bawds, privy-counsellors, pages, parasites26 and buffoons27, in short, of all such as are in danger of bursting with too much wind. An ass’s head was placed so conveniently, that the party affected28 might easily with his mouth accost29 either of the animal’s ears, which he was to apply close for a certain space, and by a fugitive30 faculty31 peculiar32 to the ears of that animal, receive immediate33 benefit, either by eructation, or expiration34, or evomition.
Another very beneficial project of Lord Peter’s was an office of insurance for tobacco-pipes, martyrs35 of the modern zeal36, volumes of poetry, shadows . . . . and rivers, that these, nor any of these, shall receive damage by fire. From whence our friendly societies may plainly find themselves to be only transcribers from this original, though the one and the other have been of great benefit to the undertakers as well as of equal to the public.
Lord Peter was also held the original author of puppets and raree-shows, the great usefulness whereof being so generally known, I shall not enlarge farther upon this particular.
But another discovery for which he was much renowned37 was his famous universal pickle38. For having remarked how your common pickle in use among housewives was of no farther benefit than to preserve dead flesh and certain kinds of vegetables, Peter with great cost as well as art had contrived39 a pickle proper for houses, gardens, towns, men, women, children, and cattle, wherein he could preserve them as sound as insects in amber40. Now this pickle to the taste, the smell, and the sight, appeared exactly the same with what is in common service for beef, and butter, and herrings (and has been often that way applied41 with great success), but for its may sovereign virtues43 was quite a different thing. For Peter would put in a certain quantity of his powder pimperlim-pimp, after which it never failed of success. The operation was performed by spargefaction in a proper time of the moon. The patient who was to be pickled, if it were a house, would infallibly be preserved from all spiders, rats, and weasels; if the party affected were a dog, he should be exempt44 from mange, and madness, and hunger. It also infallibly took away all scabs and lice, and scalled heads from children, never hindering the patient from any duty, either at bed or board.
But of all Peter’s rarities, he most valued a certain set of bulls, whose race was by great fortune preserved in a lineal descent from those that guarded the golden-fleece. Though some who pretended to observe them curiously45 doubted the breed had not been kept entirely chaste46, because they had degenerated47 from their ancestors in some qualities, and had acquired others very extraordinary, but a foreign mixture. The bulls of Colchis are recorded to have brazen48 feet; but whether it happened by ill pasture and running, by an alloy49 from intervention50 of other parents from stolen intrigues51; whether a weakness in their progenitors52 had impaired53 the seminal54 virtue42, or by a decline necessary through a long course of time, the originals of nature being depraved in these latter sinful ages of the world — whatever was the cause, it is certain that Lord Peter’s bulls were extremely vitiated by the rust55 of time in the metal of their feet, which was now sunk into common lead. However, the terrible roaring peculiar to their lineage was preserved, as likewise that faculty of breathing out fire from their nostrils56; which notwithstanding many of their detractors took to be a feat57 of art, and to be nothing so terrible as it appeared, proceeding58 only from their usual course of diet, which was of squibs and crackers59. However, they had two peculiar marks which extremely distinguished60 them from the bulls of Jason, and which I have not met together in the description of any other monster beside that in. Horace, “Varias inducere plumas,” and “Atrum definit in piscem.” For these had fishes tails, yet upon occasion could outfly any bird in the air. Peter put these bulls upon several employs. Sometimes he would set them a roaring to fright naughty boys and make them quiet. Sometimes he would send them out upon errands of great importance, where it is wonderful to recount, and perhaps the cautious reader may think much to believe it; an appetitus sensibilis deriving61 itself through the whole family from their noble ancestors, guardians62 of the Golden Fleece, they continued so extremely fond of gold, that if Peter sent them abroad, though it were only upon a compliment, they would roar, and spit, and belch63, and snivel out fire, and keep a perpetual coil till you flung them a bit of gold; but then pulveris exigui jactu, they would grow calm and quiet as lambs. In short, whether by secret connivance64 or encouragement from their master, or out of their own liquorish affection to gold, or both, it is certain they were no better than a sort of sturdy, swaggering beggars; and where they could not prevail to get an alms, would make women miscarry and children fall into fits; who to this very day usually call sprites and hobgoblins by the name of bull-beggars. They grew at last so very troublesome to the neighbourhood, that some gentlemen of the North-West got a parcel of right English bull-dogs, and baited them so terribly, that they felt it ever after.
I must needs mention one more of Lord Peter’s projects, which was very extraordinary, and discovered him to be master of a high reach and profound invention. Whenever it happened that any rogue65 of Newgate was condemned66 to be hanged, Peter would offer him a pardon for a certain sum of money, which when the poor caitiff had made all shifts to scrape up and send, his lordship would return a piece of paper in this form:—
“To all mayors, sheriffs, jailors, constables68, bailiffs, hangmen, &c. Whereas we are informed that A. B. remains69 in the hands of you, or any of you, under the sentence of death. We will and command you, upon sight hereof, to let the said prisoner depart to his own habitation, whether he stands condemned for murder, sodomy, rape67, sacrilege, incest, treason, blasphemy70, &c., for which this shall be your sufficient warrant. And it you fail hereof, G— d — mn you and yours to all eternity71. And so we bid you heartily72 farewell. Your most humble man’s man,
“EMPEROR PETER.”
The wretches73 trusting to this lost their lives and money too.
I desire of those whom the learned among posterity74 will appoint for commentators75 upon this elaborate treatise, that they will proceed with great caution upon certain dark points, wherein all who are not vere adepti may be in danger to form rash and hasty conclusions, especially in some mysterious paragraphs, where certain arcana are joined for brevity sake, which in the operation must be divided. And I am certain that future sons of art will return large thanks to my memory for so grateful, so useful an inmuendo.
It will be no difficult part to persuade the reader that so many worthy76 discoveries met with great success in the world; though I may justly assure him that I have related much the smallest number; my design having been only to single out such as will be of most benefit for public imitation, or which best served to give some idea of the reach and wit of the inventor. And therefore it need not be wondered if by this time Lord Peter was become exceeding rich. But alas77! he had kept his brain so long and so violently upon the rack, that at last it shook itself, and began to turn round for a little ease. In short, what with pride, projects, and knavery79, poor Peter was grown distracted, and conceived the strangest imaginations in the world. In the height of his fits (as it is usual with those who run mad out of pride) he would call himself God Almighty80, and sometimes monarch81 of the universe. I have seen him (says my author) take three old high-crowned hats, and clap them all on his head, three storey high, with a huge bunch of keys at his girdle, and an angling rod in his hand. In which guise82, whoever went to take him by the hand in the way of salutation, Peter with much grace, like a well-educated spaniel, would present them with his foot, and if they refused his civility, then he would raise it as high as their chops, and give them a damned kick on the mouth, which hath ever since been called a salute83. Whoever walked by without paying him their compliments, having a wonderful strong breath, he would blow their hats off into the dirt. Meantime his affairs at home went upside down, and his two brothers had a wretched time, where his first boutade was to kick both their wives one morning out of doors, and his own too, and in their stead gave orders to pick up the first three strollers could be met with in the streets. A while after he nailed up the cellar door, and would not allow his brothers a drop of drink to their victuals84 41. Dining one day at an alderman’s in the city, Peter observed him expatiating85, after the manner of his brethren in the praises of his sirloin of beef. “Beef,” said the sage86 magistrate87, “is the king of meat; beef comprehends in it the quintessence of partridge, and quail88, and venison, and pheasant, and plum-pudding, and custard.” When Peter came home, he would needs take the fancy of cooking up this doctrine89 into use, and apply the precept90 in default of a sirloin to his brown loaf. “Bread,” says he, “dear brothers, is the staff of life, in which bread is contained inclusive the quintessence of beef, mutton, veal91, venison, partridge, plum-pudding, and custard, and to render all complete, there is intermingled a due quantity of water, whose crudities are also corrected by yeast92 or barm, through which means it becomes a wholesome93 fermented94 liquor, diffused95 through the mass of the bread.” Upon the strength of these conclusions, next day at dinner was the brown loaf served up in all the formality of a City feast. “Come, brothers,” said Peter, “fall to, and spare not; here is excellent good mutton 42; or hold, now my hand is in, I’ll help you.” At which word, in much ceremony, with fork and knife, he carves out two good slices of a loaf, and presents each on a plate to his brothers. The elder of the two, not suddenly entering into Lord Peter’s conceit96, began with very civil language to examine the mystery. “My lord,” said he, “I doubt, with great submission97, there may be some mistake.” “What!” says Peter, “you are pleasant; come then, let us hear this jest your head is so big with.” “None in the world, my Lord; but unless I am very much deceived, your Lordship was pleased a while ago to let fall a word about mutton, and I would be glad to see it with all my heart.” “How,” said Peter, appearing in great surprise, “I do not comprehend this at all;” upon which the younger, interposing to set the business right, “My Lord,” said he, “my brother, I suppose, is hungry, and longs for the mutton your Lordship hath promised us to dinner.” “Pray,” said Peter, “take me along with you, either you are both mad, or disposed to be merrier than I approve of; if you there do not like your piece, I will carve you another, though I should take that to be the choice bit of the whole shoulder.” “What then, my Lord?” replied the first; “it seems this is a shoulder of mutton all this while.” “Pray, sir,” says Peter, “eat your victuals and leave off your impertinence, if you please, for I am not disposed to relish98 it at present;” but the other could not forbear, being over-provoked at the affected seriousness of Peter’s countenance99. “My Lord,” said he, “I can only say, that to my eyes and fingers, and teeth and nose, it seems to be nothing but a crust of bread.” Upon which the second put in his word. “I never saw a piece of mutton in my life so nearly resembling a slice from a twelve-penny loaf.” “Look ye, gentlemen,” cries Peter in a rage, “to convince you what a couple of blind, positive, ignorant, wilful100 puppies you are, I will use but this plain argument; by G—-, it is true, good, natural mutton as any in Leadenhall Market; and G—— confound you both eternally if you offer to believe otherwise.” Such a thundering proof as this left no further room for objection; the two unbelievers began to gather and pocket up their mistake as hastily as they could. “Why, truly,” said the first, “upon more mature consideration”—“Ay,” says the other, interrupting him, “now I have thought better on the thing, your Lordship seems to have a great deal of reason.” “Very well,” said Peter. “Here, boy, fill me a beer-glass of claret. Here’s to you both with all my heart.” The two brethren, much delighted to see him so readily appeased101, returned their most humble thanks, and said they would be glad to pledge his Lordship. “That you shall,” said Peter, “I am not a person to refuse you anything that is reasonable; wine moderately taken is a cordial. Here is a glass apiece for you; it is true natural juice from the grape; none of your damned vintner’s brewings.” Having spoke102 thus, he presented to each of them another large dry crust, bidding them drink it off, and not be bashful, for it would do them no hurt. The two brothers, after having performed the usual office in such delicate conjunctures, of staring a sufficient period at Lord Peter and each other, and finding how matters were like to go, resolved not to enter on a new dispute, but let him carry the point as he pleased; for he was now got into one of his mad fits, and to argue or expostulate further would only serve to render him a hundred times more untractable.
I have chosen to relate this worthy matter in all its circumstances, because it gave a principal occasion to that great and famous rupture103 43 which happened about the same time among these brethren, and was never afterwards made up. But of that I shall treat at large in another section.
However, it is certain that Lord Peter, even in his lucid104 intervals105, was very lewdly106 given in his common conversation, extreme wilful and positive, and would at any time rather argue to the death than allow himself to be once in an error. Besides, he had an abominable107 faculty of telling huge palpable lies upon all occasions, and swearing not only to the truth, but cursing the whole company to hell if they pretended to make the least scruple108 of believing him. One time he swore he had a cow at home which gave as much milk at a meal as would fill three thousand churches, and what was yet more extraordinary, would never turn sour. Another time he was telling of an old sign-post 44 that belonged to his father, with nails and timber enough on it to build sixteen large men-of-war. Talking one day of Chinese waggons109, which were made so light as to sail over mountains, “Z—-nds,” said Peter, “where’s the wonder of that? By G—-, I saw a large house of lime and stone travel over sea and land (granting that it stopped sometimes to bait) above two thousand German leagues.” 45 And that which was the good of it, he would swear desperately110 all the while that he never told a lie in his life, and at every word: “By G—— gentlemen, I tell you nothing but the truth, and the d —-l broil111 them eternally that will not believe me.”
In short, Peter grew so scandalous that all the neighbourhood began in plain words to say he was no better than a knave78; and his two brothers, long weary of his ill-usage, resolved at last to leave him; but first they humbly112 desired a copy of their father’s will, which had now lain by neglected time out of mind. Instead of granting this request, he called them rogues113, traitors114, and the rest of the vile115 names he could muster116 up. However, while he was abroad one day upon his projects, the two youngsters watched their opportunity, made a shift to come at the will, and took a copia vera 46, by which they presently saw how grossly they had been abused, their father having left them equal heirs, and strictly117 commanded that whatever they got should lie in common among them all. Pursuant to which, their next enterprise was to break open the cellar-door and get a little good drink to spirit and comfort their hearts 47. In copying the will, they had met another precept against whoring, divorce, and separate maintenance; upon which, their next work was to discard their concubines and send for their wives 48. Whilst all this was in agitation118, there enters a solicitor119 from Newgate, desiring Lord Peter would please to procure120 a pardon for a thief that was to be hanged to-morrow. But the two brothers told him he was a coxcomb121 to seek pardons from a fellow who deserved to be hanged much better than his client, and discovered all the method of that imposture122 in the same form I delivered it a while ago, advising the solicitor to put his friend upon obtaining a pardon from the king. In the midst of all this platter and revolution in comes Peter with a file of dragoons at his heels, and gathering123 from all hands what was in the wind, he and his gang, after several millions of scurrilities and curses not very important here to repeat, by main force very fairly kicks them both out of doors, and would never let them come under his roof from that day to this.
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1 mightily | |
ad.强烈地;非常地 | |
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2 exalt | |
v.赞扬,歌颂,晋升,提升 | |
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3 mien | |
n.风采;态度 | |
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4 nay | |
adv.不;n.反对票,投反对票者 | |
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5 grandeur | |
n.伟大,崇高,宏伟,庄严,豪华 | |
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6 projector | |
n.投影机,放映机,幻灯机 | |
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7 virtuoso | |
n.精于某种艺术或乐器的专家,行家里手 | |
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8 Vogue | |
n.时髦,时尚;adj.流行的 | |
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9 entirely | |
ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地 | |
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10 treatise | |
n.专著;(专题)论文 | |
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11 favourably | |
adv. 善意地,赞成地 =favorably | |
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12 humble | |
adj.谦卑的,恭顺的;地位低下的;v.降低,贬低 | |
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13 advancement | |
n.前进,促进,提升 | |
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14 missionaries | |
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15 purely | |
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16 emolument | |
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17 undertaking | |
n.保证,许诺,事业 | |
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18 tract | |
n.传单,小册子,大片(土地或森林) | |
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19 retailed | |
vt.零售(retail的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
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20 dealers | |
n.商人( dealer的名词复数 );贩毒者;毒品贩子;发牌者 | |
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21 prescriptions | |
药( prescription的名词复数 ); 处方; 开处方; 计划 | |
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22 diligently | |
ad.industriously;carefully | |
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23 perspiration | |
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24 ascending | |
adj.上升的,向上的 | |
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25 erecting | |
v.使直立,竖起( erect的现在分词 );建立 | |
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26 parasites | |
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27 buffoons | |
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28 affected | |
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29 accost | |
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30 fugitive | |
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31 faculty | |
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32 peculiar | |
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33 immediate | |
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34 expiration | |
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35 martyrs | |
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36 zeal | |
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37 renowned | |
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38 pickle | |
n.腌汁,泡菜;v.腌,泡 | |
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39 contrived | |
adj.不自然的,做作的;虚构的 | |
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40 amber | |
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41 applied | |
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42 virtue | |
n.德行,美德;贞操;优点;功效,效力 | |
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43 virtues | |
美德( virtue的名词复数 ); 德行; 优点; 长处 | |
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44 exempt | |
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46 chaste | |
adj.贞洁的;有道德的;善良的;简朴的 | |
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47 degenerated | |
衰退,堕落,退化( degenerate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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48 brazen | |
adj.厚脸皮的,无耻的,坚硬的 | |
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49 alloy | |
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50 intervention | |
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51 intrigues | |
n.密谋策划( intrigue的名词复数 );神秘气氛;引人入胜的复杂情节v.搞阴谋诡计( intrigue的第三人称单数 );激起…的好奇心 | |
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52 progenitors | |
n.祖先( progenitor的名词复数 );先驱;前辈;原本 | |
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53 impaired | |
adj.受损的;出毛病的;有(身体或智力)缺陷的v.损害,削弱( impair的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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54 seminal | |
adj.影响深远的;种子的 | |
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55 rust | |
n.锈;v.生锈;(脑子)衰退 | |
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56 nostrils | |
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57 feat | |
n.功绩;武艺,技艺;adj.灵巧的,漂亮的,合适的 | |
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58 proceeding | |
n.行动,进行,(pl.)会议录,学报 | |
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59 crackers | |
adj.精神错乱的,癫狂的n.爆竹( cracker的名词复数 );薄脆饼干;(认为)十分愉快的事;迷人的姑娘 | |
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60 distinguished | |
adj.卓越的,杰出的,著名的 | |
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61 deriving | |
v.得到( derive的现在分词 );(从…中)得到获得;源于;(从…中)提取 | |
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62 guardians | |
监护人( guardian的名词复数 ); 保护者,维护者 | |
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63 belch | |
v.打嗝,喷出 | |
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64 connivance | |
n.纵容;默许 | |
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65 rogue | |
n.流氓;v.游手好闲 | |
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66 condemned | |
adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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67 rape | |
n.抢夺,掠夺,强奸;vt.掠夺,抢夺,强奸 | |
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68 constables | |
n.警察( constable的名词复数 ) | |
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69 remains | |
n.剩余物,残留物;遗体,遗迹 | |
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70 blasphemy | |
n.亵渎,渎神 | |
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71 eternity | |
n.不朽,来世;永恒,无穷 | |
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72 heartily | |
adv.衷心地,诚恳地,十分,很 | |
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73 wretches | |
n.不幸的人( wretch的名词复数 );可怜的人;恶棍;坏蛋 | |
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74 posterity | |
n.后裔,子孙,后代 | |
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75 commentators | |
n.评论员( commentator的名词复数 );时事评论员;注释者;实况广播员 | |
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76 worthy | |
adj.(of)值得的,配得上的;有价值的 | |
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77 alas | |
int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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78 knave | |
n.流氓;(纸牌中的)杰克 | |
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79 knavery | |
n.恶行,欺诈的行为 | |
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80 almighty | |
adj.全能的,万能的;很大的,很强的 | |
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81 monarch | |
n.帝王,君主,最高统治者 | |
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82 guise | |
n.外表,伪装的姿态 | |
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83 salute | |
vi.行礼,致意,问候,放礼炮;vt.向…致意,迎接,赞扬;n.招呼,敬礼,礼炮 | |
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84 victuals | |
n.食物;食品 | |
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85 expatiating | |
v.详述,细说( expatiate的现在分词 ) | |
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86 sage | |
n.圣人,哲人;adj.贤明的,明智的 | |
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87 magistrate | |
n.地方行政官,地方法官,治安官 | |
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88 quail | |
n.鹌鹑;vi.畏惧,颤抖 | |
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89 doctrine | |
n.教义;主义;学说 | |
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90 precept | |
n.戒律;格言 | |
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91 veal | |
n.小牛肉 | |
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92 yeast | |
n.酵母;酵母片;泡沫;v.发酵;起泡沫 | |
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93 wholesome | |
adj.适合;卫生的;有益健康的;显示身心健康的 | |
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94 fermented | |
v.(使)发酵( ferment的过去式和过去分词 );(使)激动;骚动;骚扰 | |
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95 diffused | |
散布的,普及的,扩散的 | |
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96 conceit | |
n.自负,自高自大 | |
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97 submission | |
n.服从,投降;温顺,谦虚;提出 | |
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98 relish | |
n.滋味,享受,爱好,调味品;vt.加调味料,享受,品味;vi.有滋味 | |
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99 countenance | |
n.脸色,面容;面部表情;vt.支持,赞同 | |
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100 wilful | |
adj.任性的,故意的 | |
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101 appeased | |
安抚,抚慰( appease的过去式和过去分词 ); 绥靖(满足另一国的要求以避免战争) | |
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102 spoke | |
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
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103 rupture | |
n.破裂;(关系的)决裂;v.(使)破裂 | |
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104 lucid | |
adj.明白易懂的,清晰的,头脑清楚的 | |
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105 intervals | |
n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 );间隔时间;[数学]区间;(戏剧、电影或音乐会的)幕间休息 | |
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106 lewdly | |
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107 abominable | |
adj.可厌的,令人憎恶的 | |
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108 scruple | |
n./v.顾忌,迟疑 | |
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109 waggons | |
四轮的运货马车( waggon的名词复数 ); 铁路货车; 小手推车 | |
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110 desperately | |
adv.极度渴望地,绝望地,孤注一掷地 | |
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111 broil | |
v.烤,烧,争吵,怒骂;n.烤,烧,争吵,怒骂 | |
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112 humbly | |
adv. 恭顺地,谦卑地 | |
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113 rogues | |
n.流氓( rogue的名词复数 );无赖;调皮捣蛋的人;离群的野兽 | |
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114 traitors | |
卖国贼( traitor的名词复数 ); 叛徒; 背叛者; 背信弃义的人 | |
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115 vile | |
adj.卑鄙的,可耻的,邪恶的;坏透的 | |
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116 muster | |
v.集合,收集,鼓起,激起;n.集合,检阅,集合人员,点名册 | |
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117 strictly | |
adv.严厉地,严格地;严密地 | |
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118 agitation | |
n.搅动;搅拌;鼓动,煽动 | |
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119 solicitor | |
n.初级律师,事务律师 | |
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120 procure | |
vt.获得,取得,促成;vi.拉皮条 | |
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121 coxcomb | |
n.花花公子 | |
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122 imposture | |
n.冒名顶替,欺骗 | |
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123 gathering | |
n.集会,聚会,聚集 | |
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