Judging from these appearances that a procession was under way, I threw up my window, and, craning out, had the satisfaction of beholding20 it advancing along the streets. It was a Teetotal procession, as I learnt from its banners, and was long enough to consume twenty minutes in passing. There were a great number of children in it, some of them so very young in their mothers’ arms as to be in the act of practically exemplifying their abstinence from fermented21 liquors, and attachment22 to an unintoxicating drink, while the procession defiled23. The display was, on the whole, pleasant to see, as any good-humoured holiday assemblage of clean, cheerful, and well-conducted people should be. It was bright with ribbons, tinsel, and shoulder-belts, and abounded24 in flowers, as if those latter trophies25 had come up in profusion26 under much watering. The day being breezy, the insubordination of the large banners was very reprehensible27. Each of these being borne aloft on two poles and stayed with some half-dozen lines, was carried, as polite books in the last century used to be written, by ‘various hands,’ and the anxiety expressed in the upturned faces of those officers, — something between the anxiety attendant on the balancing art, and that inseparable from the pastime of kite-flying, with a touch of the angler’s quality in landing his scaly28 prey29, — much impressed me. Suddenly, too, a banner would shiver in the wind, and go about in the most inconvenient30 manner. This always happened oftenest with such gorgeous standards as those representing a gentleman in black, corpulent with tea and water, in the laudable act of summarily reforming a family, feeble and pinched with beer. The gentleman in black distended31 by wind would then conduct himself with the most unbecoming levity32, while the beery family, growing beerier, would frantically33 try to tear themselves away from his ministration. Some of the inscriptions34 accompanying the banners were of a highly determined35 character, as ‘We never, never will give up the temperance cause,’ with similar sound resolutions rather suggestive to the profane36 mind of Mrs. Micawber’s ‘I never will desert Mr. Micawber,’ and of Mr. Micawber’s retort, ‘Really, my dear, I am not aware that you were ever required by any human being to do anything of the sort.’
At intervals37, a gloom would fall on the passing members of the procession, for which I was at first unable to account. But this I discovered, after a little observation, to be occasioned by the coming on of the executioners, — the terrible official beings who were to make the speeches by-and-by, — who were distributed in open carriages at various points of the cavalcade38. A dark cloud and a sensation of dampness, as from many wet blankets, invariably preceded the rolling on of the dreadful cars containing these headsmen; and I noticed that the wretched people who closely followed them, and who were in a manner forced to contemplate39 their folded arms, complacent40 countenances41, and threatening lips, were more overshadowed by the cloud and damp than those in front. Indeed, I perceived in some of these so moody42 an implacability towards the magnates of the scaffold, and so plain a desire to tear them limb from limb, that I would respectfully suggest to the managers the expediency43 of conveying the executioners to the scene of their dismal44 labours by unfrequented ways, and in closely-tilted carts, next Whitsuntide.
The procession was composed of a series of smaller processions, which had come together, each from its own metropolitan45 district. An infusion46 of allegory became perceptible when patriotic47 Peckham advanced. So I judged, from the circumstance of Peckham’s unfurling a silken banner that fanned heaven and earth with the words, ‘The Peckham Lifeboat.’ No boat being in attendance, though life, in the likeness48 of ‘a gallant49, gallant crew,’ in nautical50 uniform, followed the flag, I was led to meditate51 on the fact that Peckham is described by geographers52 as an inland settlement, with no larger or nearer shore-line than the towing-path of the Surrey Canal, on which stormy station I had been given to understand no lifeboat exists. Thus I deduced an allegorical meaning, and came to the conclusion, that if patriotic Peckham picked a peck of pickled poetry, this WAS the peck of pickled poetry which patriotic Peckham picked.
I have observed that the aggregate53 procession was on the whole pleasant to see. I made use of that qualified54 expression with a direct meaning, which I will now explain. It involves the title of this paper, and a little fair trying of teetotalism by its own tests. There were many people on foot, and many people in vehicles of various kinds. The former were pleasant to see, and the latter were not pleasant to see; for the reason that I never, on any occasion or under any circumstances, have beheld55 heavier overloading56 of horses than in this public show. Unless the imposition of a great van laden57 with from ten to twenty people on a single horse be a moderate tasking of the poor creature, then the temperate58 use of horses was immoderate and cruel. From the smallest and lightest horse to the largest and heaviest, there were many instances in which the beast of burden was so shamefully59 overladen, that the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals have frequently interposed in less gross cases.
Now, I have always held that there may be, and that there unquestionably is, such a thing as use without abuse, and that therefore the total abolitionists are irrational60 and wrong-headed. But the procession completely converted me. For so large a number of the people using draught-horses in it were so clearly unable to use them without abusing them, that I perceived total abstinence from horseflesh to be the only remedy of which the case admitted. As it is all one to teetotalers whether you take half a pint61 of beer or half a gallon, so it was all one here whether the beast of burden were a pony62 or a cart-horse. Indeed, my case had the special strength that the half-pint quadruped underwent as much suffering as the half-gallon quadruped. Moral: total abstinence from horseflesh through the whole length and breadth of the scale. This pledge will be in course of administration to all teetotal processionists, not pedestrians63, at the publishing office of ‘All the Year Round,’ on the 1st day of April, 1870.
Observe a point for consideration. This procession comprised many persons in their gigs, broughams, tax-carts, barouches, chaises, and what not, who were merciful to the dumb beasts that drew them, and did not overcharge their strength. What is to be done with those unoffending persons? I will not run amuck64 and vilify65 and defame them, as teetotal tracts66 and platforms would most assuredly do, if the question were one of drinking instead of driving: I merely ask what is to be done with them! The reply admits of no dispute whatever. Manifestly, in strict accordance with teetotal doctrines67, THEY must come in too, and take the total abstinence from horseflesh pledge. It is not pretended that those members of the procession misused68 certain auxiliaries69 which in most countries and all ages have been bestowed70 upon man for his use, but it is undeniable that other members of the procession did. Teetotal mathematics demonstrate that the less includes the greater; that the guilty include the innocent, the blind the seeing, the deaf the hearing, the dumb the speaking, the drunken the sober. If any of the moderate users of draught-cattle in question should deem that there is any gentle violence done to their reason by these elements of logic71, they are invited to come out of the procession next Whitsuntide, and look at it from my window.
The End
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precisely
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adv.恰好,正好,精确地,细致地 | |
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lodging
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n.寄宿,住所;(大学生的)校外宿舍 | |
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equestrian
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adj.骑马的;n.马术 | |
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doughy
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adj.面团的,苍白的,半熟的;软弱无力 | |
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baggy
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adj.膨胀如袋的,宽松下垂的 | |
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scarlet
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n.深红色,绯红色,红衣;adj.绯红色的 | |
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ornament
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v.装饰,美化;n.装饰,装饰物 | |
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astonishment
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n.惊奇,惊异 | |
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esteemed
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adj.受人尊敬的v.尊敬( esteem的过去式和过去分词 );敬重;认为;以为 | |
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porcelain
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n.瓷;adj.瓷的,瓷制的 | |
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waxwork
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n.蜡像 | |
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bedlam
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n.混乱,骚乱;疯人院 | |
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elicited
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引出,探出( elicit的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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shrieks
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n.尖叫声( shriek的名词复数 )v.尖叫( shriek的第三人称单数 ) | |
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15
portents
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n.预兆( portent的名词复数 );征兆;怪事;奇物 | |
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distressingly
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adv. 令人苦恼地;悲惨地 | |
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northward
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adv.向北;n.北方的地区 | |
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brazen
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adj.厚脸皮的,无耻的,坚硬的 | |
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forth
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adv.向前;向外,往外 | |
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beholding
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v.看,注视( behold的现在分词 );瞧;看呀;(叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现)哎哟 | |
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21
fermented
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v.(使)发酵( ferment的过去式和过去分词 );(使)激动;骚动;骚扰 | |
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attachment
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n.附属物,附件;依恋;依附 | |
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defiled
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v.玷污( defile的过去式和过去分词 );污染;弄脏;纵列行进 | |
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24
abounded
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v.大量存在,充满,富于( abound的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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25
trophies
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n.(为竞赛获胜者颁发的)奖品( trophy的名词复数 );奖杯;(尤指狩猎或战争中获得的)纪念品;(用于比赛或赛跑名称)奖 | |
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profusion
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n.挥霍;丰富 | |
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reprehensible
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adj.该受责备的 | |
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scaly
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adj.鱼鳞状的;干燥粗糙的 | |
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prey
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n.被掠食者,牺牲者,掠食;v.捕食,掠夺,折磨 | |
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inconvenient
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adj.不方便的,令人感到麻烦的 | |
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31
distended
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v.(使)膨胀,肿胀( distend的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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levity
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n.轻率,轻浮,不稳定,多变 | |
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frantically
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ad.发狂地, 发疯地 | |
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inscriptions
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(作者)题词( inscription的名词复数 ); 献词; 碑文; 证劵持有人的登记 | |
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determined
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adj.坚定的;有决心的 | |
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profane
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adj.亵神的,亵渎的;vt.亵渎,玷污 | |
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intervals
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n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 );间隔时间;[数学]区间;(戏剧、电影或音乐会的)幕间休息 | |
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cavalcade
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n.车队等的行列 | |
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contemplate
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vt.盘算,计议;周密考虑;注视,凝视 | |
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complacent
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adj.自满的;自鸣得意的 | |
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countenances
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n.面容( countenance的名词复数 );表情;镇静;道义支持 | |
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moody
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adj.心情不稳的,易怒的,喜怒无常的 | |
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expediency
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n.适宜;方便;合算;利己 | |
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dismal
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adj.阴沉的,凄凉的,令人忧郁的,差劲的 | |
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metropolitan
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adj.大城市的,大都会的 | |
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infusion
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n.灌输 | |
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patriotic
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adj.爱国的,有爱国心的 | |
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likeness
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n.相像,相似(之处) | |
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gallant
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adj.英勇的,豪侠的;(向女人)献殷勤的 | |
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nautical
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adj.海上的,航海的,船员的 | |
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51
meditate
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v.想,考虑,(尤指宗教上的)沉思,冥想 | |
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52
geographers
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地理学家( geographer的名词复数 ) | |
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53
aggregate
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adj.总计的,集合的;n.总数;v.合计;集合 | |
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54
qualified
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adj.合格的,有资格的,胜任的,有限制的 | |
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beheld
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v.看,注视( behold的过去式和过去分词 );瞧;看呀;(叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现)哎哟 | |
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overloading
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过载,超载,过负载 | |
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laden
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adj.装满了的;充满了的;负了重担的;苦恼的 | |
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58
temperate
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adj.温和的,温带的,自我克制的,不过分的 | |
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59
shamefully
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可耻地; 丢脸地; 不体面地; 羞耻地 | |
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60
irrational
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adj.无理性的,失去理性的 | |
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61
pint
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n.品脱 | |
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62
pony
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adj.小型的;n.小马 | |
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pedestrians
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n.步行者( pedestrian的名词复数 ) | |
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64
amuck
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ad.狂乱地 | |
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65
vilify
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v.诽谤,中伤 | |
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66
tracts
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大片土地( tract的名词复数 ); 地带; (体内的)道; (尤指宣扬宗教、伦理或政治的)短文 | |
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doctrines
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n.教条( doctrine的名词复数 );教义;学说;(政府政策的)正式声明 | |
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68
misused
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v.使用…不当( misuse的过去式和过去分词 );把…派作不正当的用途;虐待;滥用 | |
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auxiliaries
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n.助动词 ( auxiliary的名词复数 );辅助工,辅助人员 | |
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70
bestowed
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赠给,授予( bestow的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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logic
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n.逻辑(学);逻辑性 | |
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