A month or two had rolled on and if he had not absolutely tasted enjoyment4, at least he had thrown off reflection; but as the autumn wore away, and as each day he derived5 less diversion or distraction6 from the repetition of the same routine, carried on by different actors, he could no longer control feelings which would be predominant, and those feelings were not such as perhaps might have been expected from one who was receiving the homage7 of an admiring world. In a word, the Duke of St. James was the most miserable8 wretch9 that ever lived.
‘Where is this to end?’ he asked himself. ‘Is this year to close, to bring only a repetition of the past? Well, I have had it all, and what is it? My restless feelings are at last laid, my indefinite appetites are at length exhausted10. I have known this mighty11 world, and where am I? Once, all prospects12, all reflections merged13 in the agitating14, the tremulous and panting lust15 with which I sighed for it. Have I been deceived? Have I been disappointed? Is it different from what I expected? Has it fallen short of my fancy? Has the dexterity16 of my musings deserted17 me? Have I under-acted the hero of my reveries? Have I, in short, mismanaged my début? Have I blundered? No, no, no! Far, far has it gone beyond even my imagination, and my life has, if no other, realised its ideas!
‘Who laughs at me? Who does not burn incense18 before my shrine19? What appetite have I not gratified? What gratification has proved bitter? My vanity! Has it been, for an instant, mortified20? Am I not acknowledged the most brilliant hero of the most brilliant society in Europe? Intense as is my self-love, has it not been gorged21? Luxury and splendour were my youthful dreams, and have I not realised the very romance of indulgence and magnificence? My career has been one long triumph. My palaces, and my gardens, and my jewels, my dress, my furniture, my equipages, my horses, and my festivals, these used to occupy my meditations22, when I could only meditate23; and have my determinations proved a delusion24? Ask the admiring world.
‘And now for the great point to which all this was to tend, which all this was to fascinate and subdue25, to adorn26, to embellish27, to delight, to honour. Woman! Oh! when I first dared, among the fields of Eton, to dwell upon the soft yet agitating fancy, that some day my existence might perhaps be rendered more intense, by the admiration28 of these maddening but then mysterious creatures; could, could I have dreamt of what has happened? Is not this the very point in which my career has most out-topped my lofty hopes?
‘I have read, and sometimes heard, of satiety29. It must then be satiety that I feel; for I do feel more like a doomed30 man, than a young noble full of blood and youth. And yet, satiety; it is a word. What then? A word is breath, and am I wiser? Satiety! Satiety! Satiety! Oh! give me happiness! Oh! give me love!
‘Ay! there it is, I feel it now. Too well I feel that happiness must spring from purer fountains than self-love. We are not born merely for ourselves, and they who, full of pride, make the trial, as I have done, and think that the world is made for them, and not for mankind, must come to as bitter results, perhaps as bitter a fate; for, by Heavens! I am half tempted31 at this moment to fling myself from off this cliff, and so end all.
‘Why should I live? For virtue32, and for duty; to compensate33 for all my folly34, and to achieve some slight good end with my abused and unparalleled means. Ay! it is all vastly rational, and vastly sublime35, but it is too late. I feel the exertion36 above me. I am a lost man.
‘We cannot work without a purpose and an aim. I had mine, although it was a false one, and I succeeded. Had I one now I might succeed again, but my heart is a dull void. And Caroline, that gentle girl, will not give me what I want; and to offer her but half a heart may break hers, and I would not bruise37 that delicate bosom38 to save my dukedom. Those sad, silly parents of hers have already done mischief39 enough; but I will see Darrell, and will at least arrange that. I like him, and will make him my friend for her sake. God! God! why am I not loved! A word from her, and all would change. I feel a something in me which could put all right. I have the will, and she could give the power.
‘Now see what a farce40 life is! I shall go on, Heaven knows how! I cannot live long. Men like me soon bloom and fade. What I may come to, I dread41 to think. There is a dangerous facility in my temper; I know it well, for I know more of myself than people think; there is a dangerous facility which, with May Dacre, might be the best guaranty of virtue; but with all others, for all others are at the best weak things, will as certainly render me despicable, perhaps degraded. I hear the busy devil whispering even now. It is my demon42. Now, I say, see what a farce life is! I shall die like a dog, as I have lived like a fool; and then my epitaph will be in everybody’s mouth. Here are the consequences of self-indulgence: here is a fellow, forsooth, who thought only of the gratification of his vile43 appetites; and by the living Heaven, am I not standing44 here among my hereditary45 rocks, and sighing to the ocean, to be virtuous46!
‘She knew me well, she read me in a minute, and spoke47 more truth at that last meeting than is in a thousand sermons. It is out of our power to redeem48 ourselves. Our whole existence is a false, foul49 state, totally inimical to love and purity, and domestic gentleness, and calm delight. Yet are we envied! Oh! could these fools see us at any other time except surrounded by our glitter, and hear of us at any other moment save in the first bloom of youth, which is, even then, often wasted; could they but mark our manhood, and view our hollow marriages, and disappointed passions; could they but see the traitors50 that we have for sons, the daughters that own no duty; could they but watch us even to our grave, tottering51 after some fresh bauble52, some vain delusion, which, to the last, we hope may prove a substitute for what we have never found through life, a contented53 mind, they would do something else but envy us.
‘But I stand prating54 when I am wanted. I must home. Home! O sacred word! and then comes night! Horrible night! Horrible day! It seems to me I am upon the eve of some monstrous55 folly, too ridiculous to be a crime, and yet as fatal. I have half a mind to go and marry the Bird of Paradise, out of pure pique56 with myself, and with the world.’
点击收听单词发音
1 dilate | |
vt.使膨胀,使扩大 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
2 protracted | |
adj.拖延的;延长的v.拖延“protract”的过去式和过去分词 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
3 aspiring | |
adj.有志气的;有抱负的;高耸的v.渴望;追求 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
4 enjoyment | |
n.乐趣;享有;享用 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
5 derived | |
vi.起源;由来;衍生;导出v.得到( derive的过去式和过去分词 );(从…中)得到获得;源于;(从…中)提取 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
6 distraction | |
n.精神涣散,精神不集中,消遣,娱乐 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
7 homage | |
n.尊敬,敬意,崇敬 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
8 miserable | |
adj.悲惨的,痛苦的;可怜的,糟糕的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
9 wretch | |
n.可怜的人,不幸的人;卑鄙的人 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
10 exhausted | |
adj.极其疲惫的,精疲力尽的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
11 mighty | |
adj.强有力的;巨大的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
12 prospects | |
n.希望,前途(恒为复数) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
13 merged | |
(使)混合( merge的过去式和过去分词 ); 相融; 融入; 渐渐消失在某物中 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
14 agitating | |
搅动( agitate的现在分词 ); 激怒; 使焦虑不安; (尤指为法律、社会状况的改变而)激烈争论 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
15 lust | |
n.性(淫)欲;渴(欲)望;vi.对…有强烈的欲望 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
16 dexterity | |
n.(手的)灵巧,灵活 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
17 deserted | |
adj.荒芜的,荒废的,无人的,被遗弃的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
18 incense | |
v.激怒;n.香,焚香时的烟,香气 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
19 shrine | |
n.圣地,神龛,庙;v.将...置于神龛内,把...奉为神圣 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
20 mortified | |
v.使受辱( mortify的过去式和过去分词 );伤害(人的感情);克制;抑制(肉体、情感等) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
21 gorged | |
v.(用食物把自己)塞饱,填饱( gorge的过去式和过去分词 );作呕 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
22 meditations | |
默想( meditation的名词复数 ); 默念; 沉思; 冥想 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
23 meditate | |
v.想,考虑,(尤指宗教上的)沉思,冥想 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
24 delusion | |
n.谬见,欺骗,幻觉,迷惑 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
25 subdue | |
vt.制服,使顺从,征服;抑制,克制 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
26 adorn | |
vt.使美化,装饰 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
27 embellish | |
v.装饰,布置;给…添加细节,润饰 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
28 admiration | |
n.钦佩,赞美,羡慕 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
29 satiety | |
n.饱和;(市场的)充分供应 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
30 doomed | |
命定的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
31 tempted | |
v.怂恿(某人)干不正当的事;冒…的险(tempt的过去分词) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
32 virtue | |
n.德行,美德;贞操;优点;功效,效力 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
33 compensate | |
vt.补偿,赔偿;酬报 vi.弥补;补偿;抵消 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
34 folly | |
n.愚笨,愚蠢,蠢事,蠢行,傻话 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
35 sublime | |
adj.崇高的,伟大的;极度的,不顾后果的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
36 exertion | |
n.尽力,努力 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
37 bruise | |
n.青肿,挫伤;伤痕;vt.打青;挫伤 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
38 bosom | |
n.胸,胸部;胸怀;内心;adj.亲密的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
39 mischief | |
n.损害,伤害,危害;恶作剧,捣蛋,胡闹 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
40 farce | |
n.闹剧,笑剧,滑稽戏;胡闹 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
41 dread | |
vt.担忧,忧虑;惧怕,不敢;n.担忧,畏惧 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
42 demon | |
n.魔鬼,恶魔 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
43 vile | |
adj.卑鄙的,可耻的,邪恶的;坏透的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
44 standing | |
n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
45 hereditary | |
adj.遗传的,遗传性的,可继承的,世袭的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
46 virtuous | |
adj.有品德的,善良的,贞洁的,有效力的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
47 spoke | |
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
48 redeem | |
v.买回,赎回,挽回,恢复,履行(诺言等) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
49 foul | |
adj.污秽的;邪恶的;v.弄脏;妨害;犯规;n.犯规 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
50 traitors | |
卖国贼( traitor的名词复数 ); 叛徒; 背叛者; 背信弃义的人 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
51 tottering | |
adj.蹒跚的,动摇的v.走得或动得不稳( totter的现在分词 );踉跄;蹒跚;摇摇欲坠 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
52 bauble | |
n.美观而无价值的饰物 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
53 contented | |
adj.满意的,安心的,知足的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
54 prating | |
v.(古时用语)唠叨,啰唆( prate的现在分词 ) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
55 monstrous | |
adj.巨大的;恐怖的;可耻的,丢脸的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
56 pique | |
v.伤害…的自尊心,使生气 n.不满,生气 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
欢迎访问英文小说网 |