"Will you not wake, darling," she murmured, "and let me see your dear eyes? Wake, darling, wake! Do you not know what is going to happen? They are going to take you from me. Perhaps we shall never meet again; and if we do, you have not even a name by which I can call you. But perhaps that will not matter. Surely you will know your mother, surely I shall know my child, and we shall fly to each other's arms. I want to tell you all this--I want you to hear it. Wake, sweet, wake!"
The child slept on. Presently she murmured, "It is hard, it is hard! How can God permit such cruelty?"
Half an hour passed in this way, and then she became more composed. Her mind, which had been unbalanced by her misfortunes, recovered its equilibrium16, and she could reason with comparative calmness upon the future. In sorrow and pain she mentally mapped out the years to come. She saw her future, as she believed, a joyless life, a life of cold duty. She would not entertain the possibility of a brighter side, the possibility of her becoming reconciled to her fate, of her growing to love her husband, of her having other children who would be as dear to her as this one was. In the state of her feelings it seemed to her monstrous17 to entertain such ideas, a wrong perpetrated upon the babe she was deserting. In dogged rebellion she hugged misery18 to her breast, and dwelt upon it as part of the punishment she had brought upon herself. There was no hope of happiness for her in the future, there was no ray of light to illumine her path. For ever would she be thinking of the child for whom now, for the first time since its birth, she felt a mother's love, and who was henceforth to find a home among strangers.
In this hopeless fashion did she muse19 for some time, and then a star appeared in her dark sky. She might, as she had suggested to Dr. Spenlove, survive her husband; it was more than possible, it was probable, and, though there was in the contemplation a touch of treason towards the man who had come to her rescue, she derived20 satisfaction from it. In the event of his death she must adopt some steps to prove that the child was hers, and that she, and she alone, had the sole right to her. No stranger should keep her darling from her, should rob her of her reward for the sufferings she had undergone. It was for this reason that she had asked Dr. Spenlove for the iron box.
It was a compact, well-made box, and very heavy for its size. Any person receiving it as a precious deposit, under the conditions she imposed, might, when it was in his possession, reasonably believe that it contained mementoes of price, valuable jewels, perhaps, which she wished her child to wear when she grew to womanhood. She had no such treasure. Unlocking the box she took from her pocket a packet of letters, which she read with a bitterness which displayed itself strongly in her face, which made her quiver with passionate21 indignation.
"The villain22!" she muttered. "If he stood before me now, I would strike him dead at my feet."
There was no lingering accent of tenderness in her voice. The love she had for him but yesterday was dead, and for the father of her child she had now only feelings of hatred23 and scorn. Clearly she was a woman of strong passions, a woman who could love and hate with ardour.
The letters were four in number, and had been written, at intervals24 of two or three weeks, by the man who had betrayed and deserted25 her. The language was such as would have deceived any girl who had given him her heart. The false fervour, the protestations of undying love, the passionate appeals to put full trust in his honour, were sufficient to stamp the writer as a heartless villain, and, if he aped respectability, to ruin him in the eyes of the world. Cunning he must have been to a certain extent, but it was evident that, in thus incriminating himself and supplying proofs of his perfidy26, he had forgotten his usual caution. Perhaps he had been for a short time under a delusion27 that in his pursuit of the girl he was acting honourably28 and sincerely, or perhaps (which is more likely), finding that she held back, he was so eager to win her that he addressed her in the only way by which he could compass his desire. The last of the four letters contained a solemn promise of marriage if she would leave her home, and place herself under his protection. It even went so far as to state that he had the license29 ready, and that it was only her presence that was needed to ratify30 their union. There was a reference in this letter to the engagement between her and Mr. Gordon, and the writer declared that it would bring misery upon her. "Release yourself from this man," he continued, "at once and for ever. It would be a living death. Rely upon my love. All my life shall be devoted31 to the task of making you happy, and you shall never have occasion for one moment's regret that you have consented to be guided by me." She read these words with a smile of bitter contempt on her lips, and a burning desire in her heart for revenge.
"If there is justice in heaven," she muttered, "a day will come!"
Then she brought forward a photograph of the betrayer, which, with the letters, she deposited in the box. This done, she locked the box, and tying the key to a bit of string, hung it round her neck, and allowed it to fall, hidden, in her bosom32.
Seating herself by the bedside, she gazed upon the babe from whom she was soon to be torn. Her eyes were filled with tears, and her sad thoughts, shaped in words, ran somewhat in this fashion:
"In a few hours she will be taken from me; in a few short hours we shall be separated, and then, and then--ah, how can I know it and live!--an ocean of waters will divide us. She will not miss me; she does not know me. She will receive another woman's endearments33; she will never bestow34 a thought upon me, her wretched mother, and I--I shall be for ever thinking of her! She is all my own now; presently I shall have no claim upon her. Would it not be better to end it as I had intended--to end it now, this moment!" She rose to her feet, and stood with her lips tightly pressed and her hands convulsively clenched35; and then she cried in horror, "No, no! I dare not--I dare not! It would be murder, and he said that God would not forgive me. Oh, my darling, my darling, it is merciful that you are a baby, and do not know what is passing in my mind! If you do not love me now, you may in the future, when I shall be free, and then you shall feel how different is a mother's love from the love of a strange woman. But how shall I recognise you if you are a woman before we meet again--how shall I prove to you, to the world, that you are truly mine? Your eyes will be black, as mine are, and your hair, I hope, will be as dark, but there are thousands like that. I am grateful that you resemble me, and not your base father, whom I pray God to strike and punish. Oh, that it were ever in my power to repay him for his treachery, to say to him, 'As you dragged me down, so do I drag you down! As you ruined my life, so do I ruin yours!' But I cannot hope for that. The woman weeps, the man laughs. Never mind, child, never mind. If in future years we are reunited, it will be happiness enough. Dark hair, black eyes, small hands and feet. Oh, darling, darling!" She covered the little hands and feet with kisses. "And yes, yes"--with feverish36 eagerness she gazed at the child's neck--"these two tiny moles37, like those on my neck. I shall know you, I shall know you, I shall be able to prove that you are my daughter!"
With a lighter38 heart she resumed her seat, and set to work mending the infant's scanty39 clothing, which she fondled and kissed as though it had sense and feeling. A church clock in the distance tolled40 five. She had been listening for the hour, hoping it was earlier.
"Five o'clock!" she muttered. "I thought it was not later than three. I am being robbed. Oh, if time would only stand still! Five o'clock! In seven hours she will be taken from me. Seven hours--seven short hours! I will not close my eyes."
But after awhile her lids drooped41, and she was not conscious of it. The abnormal fatigues42 of the day and night, the relaxing of the overstrung nerves, the warmth of the room, produced their effect; her head sank upon the bed, and she fell into a dreamful sleep.
It was merciful that her dreaming fancies were not drawn43 from the past. The psychological cause of her slumbers44 being beguiled45 by bright visions may be found in the circumstance that, despite the conflicting passions by which she had been agitated46, the worldly ease which was secured to her and her child by Mr. Gordon's offer had removed a heavy weight from her heart. In her visions she saw her baby grow into a happy girlhood; she had glimpses of holiday times, when they were together in the fields or by the seaside, or walking in the glow of lovely sunsets, gathering47 flowers in the hush48 of the woods, or winding49 their way through the golden corn. In these fair dreams her baby passed from girlhood to womanhood, and happy smiles wreathed the lips of the woe-worn woman as she lay in her poor garments on the humble50 bed by the side of her child.
"Do you love me, darling?" asked the sleeping mother.
"Dearly, dearly," answered the dream-child. "With my whole heart, mother."
"Call me mother again. It is like the music of the angels."
"Mother, mother!"
"You will love me always, darling?"
"Always, mother; for ever and ever and ever."
"Say that you will never love me less, that you will never forget me."
"I will never love you less; I will never forget you."
"Darling child, how beautiful you are! There is not in the world a lovelier woman. It is for me to protect and guard you. I can do so: I have had experience. Come, let us rest."
They sat upon a mossy bank, and the mother folded her arms around her child, who lay slumbering51 on her breast.
There had been a few blissful days in this woman's life, during which she had believed in man's faithfulness and God's goodness, but the dreaming hours she was now enjoying were fraught with a heavenly gladness. Nature and dreams are the fairies of the poor and the afflicted52.
She awoke as the church clock chimed eight. Again had she to face the stern realities of life. The sad moment of separation was fast approaching.
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1
fraught
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| adj.充满…的，伴有(危险等)的；忧虑的 | |
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engrossed
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| adj.全神贯注的 | |
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impending
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| a.imminent, about to come or happen | |
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heed
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| v.注意，留意；n.注意，留心 | |
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imperative
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| n.命令，需要；规则；祈使语气；adj.强制的；紧急的 | |
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6
dictated
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| v.大声讲或读( dictate的过去式和过去分词 )；口授；支配；摆布 | |
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7
acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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8
gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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10
injustice
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| n.非正义，不公正，不公平，侵犯（别人的）权利 | |
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11
maternal
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| adj.母亲的，母亲般的，母系的，母方的 | |
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12
awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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13
loathing
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| n.厌恶，憎恨v.憎恨，厌恶( loathe的现在分词)；极不喜欢 | |
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14
dishonour
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| n./vt.拒付（支票、汇票、票据等）；vt.凌辱，使丢脸；n.不名誉，耻辱，不光彩 | |
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15
remorse
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| n.痛恨，悔恨，自责 | |
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16
equilibrium
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| n.平衡，均衡，相称，均势，平静 | |
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monstrous
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| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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muse
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| n.缪斯（希腊神话中的女神），创作灵感 | |
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derived
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| vi.起源；由来；衍生；导出v.得到( derive的过去式和过去分词 )；（从…中）得到获得；源于；（从…中）提取 | |
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21
passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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22
villain
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| n.反派演员，反面人物；恶棍；问题的起因 | |
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hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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24
intervals
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| n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 )；间隔时间；[数学]区间；（戏剧、电影或音乐会的）幕间休息 | |
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25
deserted
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| adj.荒芜的，荒废的，无人的，被遗弃的 | |
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26
perfidy
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| n.背信弃义，不忠贞 | |
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delusion
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| n.谬见，欺骗，幻觉，迷惑 | |
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honourably
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| adv.可尊敬地，光荣地，体面地 | |
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29
license
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| n.执照，许可证，特许；v.许可，特许 | |
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30
ratify
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| v.批准，认可，追认 | |
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31
devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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32
bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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endearments
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| n.表示爱慕的话语，亲热的表示( endearment的名词复数 ) | |
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34
bestow
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| v.把…赠与，把…授予；花费 | |
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35
clenched
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| v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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36
feverish
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| adj.发烧的，狂热的，兴奋的 | |
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37
moles
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| 防波堤( mole的名词复数 )； 鼹鼠； 痣； 间谍 | |
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38
lighter
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| n.打火机，点火器；驳船；v.用驳船运送；light的比较级 | |
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39
scanty
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| adj.缺乏的，仅有的，节省的，狭小的，不够的 | |
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40
tolled
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| 鸣钟（toll的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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41
drooped
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| 弯曲或下垂，发蔫( droop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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42
fatigues
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| n.疲劳( fatigue的名词复数 )；杂役；厌倦；（士兵穿的）工作服 | |
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43
drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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44
slumbers
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| 睡眠，安眠( slumber的名词复数 ) | |
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45
beguiled
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| v.欺骗( beguile的过去式和过去分词 )；使陶醉；使高兴；消磨（时间等） | |
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46
agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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47
gathering
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| n.集会，聚会，聚集 | |
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48
hush
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| int.嘘，别出声；n.沉默，静寂；v.使安静 | |
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49
winding
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| n.绕，缠，绕组，线圈 | |
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50
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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51
slumbering
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| 微睡，睡眠（slumber的现在分词形式） | |
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52
afflicted
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| 使受痛苦，折磨( afflict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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