Give ear, my Daughter, and receive my wisdom, for the husband-hunt leadeth over many hurdles1 and the trail of the Eligible2 Thing aboundeth in pitfalls3.
Lo, the woods are full of men, but men are full of strange suspicions; and in elusiveness4 the fox is simple beside them.
I charge thee, seek not to be a fashion-plate; for a human “shriek” giveth warning and affrighteth the game. Verily a becoming frock of home manufacture is more to be desired than a French creation which maketh thee to resemble a bad dream!
Costly5 thy smile as thy dentist shall make it; for a pearl in the mouth exceedeth two on the finger. And it is better to be dead than unkissable.
Cheap thy gloves, if need be, but expensive thy sachet; for a man knoweth not scent6 from sentiment.
Few thy rings, but many thy bangles; for a musical jingle7 fascinateth him even as the sound of a rattle8 fascinateth a babe. Yea, manicured nails and perfectly50 clean cuffs9 are more to be desired in the world of business than a knowledge of stenography10. Modest thy hats, yet chic11 withal; and thy hair glorious. For a cheap coiffure is an abomination, but a made-to-order switch is a woman’s “crown of beauty”.
Look not upon the rouge-pot when it is too red, but delicate thy blushes and thy complexion12 put on with a fine brush and self-restraint.
Plain thy coat, but frilly thy petticoat and of all silk; for a feminine “swish” is as poetry unto the masculine ear.
Then, I say unto thee, waste not thy substance upon style. For a man knoweth not last year’s left-over from this year’s fad13, but he knoweth a “vision” when he seeth her.
Verily, a wise virgin14 hideth her light under a bushel of simplicity15, but a foolish damsel goeth forth16 resembling a human snare17. She painteth her cheek as with house paint, and gildeth her hair with much gold. She adorneth herself with feathers and weareth dangling18 ear-rings. And at sight of her men fly on wings of fear.
51
CHAPTER TWO
Hear now, the Prayer of a Damsel of Babylon, which she chanteth in her heart:
Angels and Ministers of Grace, oh, hear me! Bestow19 upon me, I pray thee:
The smile of a seraph20.
The voice of a dove.
The silence of the Sphinx.
The eyes of an houri.
The blindness of a bat.
The figure of a cloak model.
The wisdom of Solomon.
The ways of a kitten.
The conscience of a cat.
The self-control of a tin soldier.
The pliability21 of a sofa cushion.
The capriciousness of an automobile22.
The sensitiveness of a suet pudding.
The intelligence of a pet clam23.
52 The sweetness of a cream puff24.
The ambition of a potato.
The meekness25 of a door-mat.
The opinions of an echo.
The fascinations26 of a chorus girl.
The patience of Griselda.
The mystery of the Catacombs.
The faith of a poodle.
And the endurance of Atlas27.
These things I ask in order that I may be all things unto one man!
53
CHAPTER THREE
How little, O, my Daughter, how exceeding little shall satisfy the heart of a woman!
For a man’s love is like unto an orchid28, which requireth tender persuasion29 and constant cultivation30. But a woman’s love is like unto an air plant, which flourisheth continually upon imagination.
Now, I knew a damsel of Babylon, and she was exceeding fair, having dove’s eyes, and curling locks, and much moneys, and a motor car.
Wherefore the youths of the land flocked unto her house, and her parlor31 was always full, and her piazza32 running over.
And one of these was a medal-winner, called Clod, who possessed33 a football figure and a Gibson profile. But the least among them all was Wisenheimer, who was abbreviated34 and whose hair was thin upon the top.
And Clod come unto the damsel, bringing his medals and his loving cups and divers35 trophies36. And when he had shown them all and had told her of his deeds54 of prowess, he sat afar off in a corner and conversed37 of generalities and of himself.
For he said in his heart, “When she hath seen what great works I am destined38 to accomplish, then will she gladly share them with me and shine in my reflected glory.”
But Wisenheimer concentrated all his conversation upon one topic, saying:
“How marvellous are thine eyes to-night, O Star of Beauty! And thy lips have a curve like unto the smile of Mona Lisa. Thy hair is of a wonderful softness; and what is that fascinating perfume thou usest? Lo, many damsels have I known, but thou excellest them all; for thou art as Maxine Elliot and Lillian Russell and the Venus de Milo in one!”
And the damsel was interested, and she said:
“Go on!”
Then Wisenheimer cast himself before her crying: “Lo, what am I, a worm and a parasite39, that I should aspire40 to thy love?
“Behold41, I am a sinner and full of evil, yet I need the love of a noble woman to save me! I am as nothing,55 and have accomplished42 nothing, yet I yearn43 for the inspiration of an angel to guide me and sustain me and spur me on to higher things!”
And lo, the maiden44 fell upon his neck and comforted him with kisses and with promises. And the wedding was set for October.
Yet all her friends said:
“What doth she see in him!”
But I say unto thee, the maiden was wise. For verily, verily, in the comedy of matrimony there is more joy in being a star than in being an understudy!
56
CHAPTER FOUR
Behold, my Daughter, how Man’s taste concerning women hath changed!
For lo, it hath come to pass that a maiden of sweet and simple sixteen is, unto a matron of fair and frivolous45 forty, as breakfast food unto caviar and old wine.
Yea, a man no longer yearneth for a babe to cuddle; and a clinging vine fretteth him, as a shoe that squeaketh or a chair that wobbleth. Moreover, he desireth rich things. And a widow with many shekels hath a more solid attraction than a damsel with naught46 but beauties of the soul.
Go to! The kiss of a damsel of sixteen is more insipid47 than pink ice-cream, but the kiss of a woman of forty hath the flavor of experience and vera violetta.
Lo, a damsel worshippeth a man as a demi-god and discourseth unto him of her “ideals”; but a matron mothereth him and cooeth unto him in baby talk. A damsel discusseth the weather with a youth and singeth “The Rosary” unto him; but a woman of57 forty discusseth his talents and singeth him lullabies. A maiden babbleth on as the brook48, thinking to be always amusing, but a matron knoweth that after his labors49 of the day a man preferreth a down pillow unto fireworks.
A maiden pouteth and chafeth beneath his “moods”, but a matron ascertained50 whether they proceed from indigestion or an ingrowing temperament51, and healeth them accordingly with soda52 mints or flattery.
A maiden seeketh to appear mysterious, and romantic, but a matron playeth always the platonic53 friend. She is so simple.
A maiden goeth roundabout ways to hasten a proposal, but a matron seemeth to put it off. She forbiddeth him to speak of marriage, even as she forbiddeth a small boy to touch the medicine which she hath determined54 he shall swallow. And lo, he yearneth straightway therefor.
Verily, verily, a maiden goeth forth with the sound of bugles55 and an airgun, but a matron setteth her trap in unseen places and lieth low.
58 A maiden challengeth a man with coquettishness, but a matron putteth him to sleep! For no man goeth into matrimony with his eyes open! Verily, verily, he falleth in love as he falleth out of bed, and awakeneth with a great shock, knowing not how it hath happened.
59
CHAPTER FIVE
Hast thou heard the tale of the wise and foolish virgins56, oh, my Daughter? Then hearken! For this parable57 pointeth a great moral.
Now, the foolish virgin cried unto her sisters, early in the season, “Lo! the spirit of the love-chase is upon me! I must be up and doing. For the summer resort shall be my happy hunting ground, where the game is easy and plentiful58.”
And she went her ways rejoicing, armed with three trunks and a pink parasol and girded about with lingerie frocks and a silk bathing suit.
Yet, when she had arrived upon the scene, behold there was naught within sight! Lo, each morning she wandered upon the beach with one callow college-youth and each evening danced gladly with a flirtatious59 octogenarian. All the damsels of the hotel, they waltzed in pairs and pretended to like it!
But the wise virgin sighed, “Alas! I cannot afford to go upon a vacation trip. Nay60 I must stay in town! For I shall be busy.”
And she was busy!
60 For, when all the other women had departed, the men of the town, being much bored and having naught else to do, flocked unto her door and made themselves comfortable upon her piazza.
Yea, in twos and threes came they, the simple youth with his mandolin and the wise youth with his Rubáiyát, the married man in his loneliness, and the bachelor whose sweetheart was abroad.
And she fed them iced drinks and flattery, and they absorbed all of it gladly—and were consoled!
And lo, before the summer had waned61 she wore six engagement rings; for the harvest was plentiful.
Verily, verily, a summer resort is a place wherein a woman will resort to anything, from a babe unto a grandfather, for amusement; but a womanless town is a ripe field.
61
CHAPTER SIX
Oh, ye damsels of Babylon! Ye followers62 after fads63 and wearers of pearl earrings64! How long will ye seek to appear sophisticated? How long will ye continue to pose as cynics, and think it chic to be satirical and piquant65 to be capricious?
Know ye not, oh foolish ones, that a man dreadeth a female cynic as a small boy dreadeth an education? Yea, and a satirical damsel is unto him as a caterpillar66 upon the neck, which maketh him to shudder67. But a capricious woman is as gravel68 in the shoes. She giveth him great pain.
Behold, a foolish damsel seeketh always to scintillate69. She appeareth clothed in worldly wisdom and bristling70 with opinions. She provoketh arguments and answereth with repartee71. She mocketh at a man’s sentiments and rebuketh him with epigrams. She maketh him to look foolish.
But a wise damsel is sweeter than distilled72 honey and more simple than the plot of a Robert Chambers73 novel. She lighteth her own way with the sun of her smiles, and smootheth all her paths with soft62 soap. She seeketh not her own glorification74 but poureth oil upon the vanity of the just and unjust alike.
Doth a youth argue with her, she is easily convinced and covereth him with approbation75, saying: “How didst thou ever think of that?”
And, lo, his argument is broken against him.
Doth her Beloved call at eve, bringing with him the grouch76 “that knoweth no brother”, she greeteth him with the smile that knoweth no sister.
She ministereth unto him with cooling drinks and looks of sympathy.
She bringeth him the ash-tray and the shaded lamp and the foot-stool and the newspapers.
She urgeth him to smoke.
She forbeareth to talk.
And behold his mood dissolveth as the mist before the sun, and he exclaimeth in his heart: “Good Heavens! What would life be without this woman!”
He proposeth.
63 And all the days of her life she treadeth upon velvet77.
Verily, verily, a wise woman preferreth peace of mind unto her own opinions, comfort unto her dignity, and an husband unto a reputation for brilliancy. She saith in her heart:
“I am not here to reform him, but to please him.”
And, lo, all the world is her roller coaster! For the price of peace is a perpetual smile!
SELAH.
VERILY, VERILY, MY
DAUGHTER, THE FOOL
HATH SAID IN HER
HEART, “ALL MEN
SHOULD MARRY! FOR
THERE IS A REASON
FOR EVERYTHING
UNDER THE SUN, SAVE
A BACHELOR”
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1
hurdles
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| n.障碍( hurdle的名词复数 )；跳栏；（供人或马跳跃的）栏架；跨栏赛 | |
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eligible
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| adj.有条件被选中的；(尤指婚姻等)合适(意)的 | |
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pitfalls
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| （捕猎野兽用的）陷阱( pitfall的名词复数 )； 意想不到的困难，易犯的错误 | |
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elusiveness
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| 狡诈 | |
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costly
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| adj.昂贵的，价值高的，豪华的 | |
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scent
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| n.气味，香味，香水，线索，嗅觉；v.嗅，发觉 | |
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jingle
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| n.叮当声，韵律简单的诗句；v.使叮当作响，叮当响，押韵 | |
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rattle
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| v.飞奔，碰响；激怒；n.碰撞声；拨浪鼓 | |
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cuffs
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| n.袖口( cuff的名词复数 )v.掌打，拳打( cuff的第三人称单数 ) | |
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stenography
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| n.速记，速记法 | |
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chic
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| n./adj.别致(的)，时髦(的)，讲究的 | |
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complexion
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| n.肤色；情况，局面；气质，性格 | |
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fad
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| n.时尚；一时流行的狂热；一时的爱好 | |
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virgin
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| n.处女，未婚女子；adj.未经使用的；未经开发的 | |
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simplicity
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| n.简单，简易；朴素；直率，单纯 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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snare
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| n.陷阱，诱惑，圈套；（去除息肉或者肿瘤的）勒除器；响弦，小军鼓；vt.以陷阱捕获，诱惑 | |
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18
dangling
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| 悬吊着( dangle的现在分词 )； 摆动不定； 用某事物诱惑…； 吊胃口 | |
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bestow
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| v.把…赠与，把…授予；花费 | |
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seraph
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| n.六翼天使 | |
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pliability
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| n.柔韧性；可弯性 | |
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automobile
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| n.汽车，机动车 | |
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clam
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| n.蛤，蛤肉 | |
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puff
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| n.一口(气)；一阵(风)；v.喷气，喘气 | |
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meekness
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| n.温顺，柔和 | |
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26
fascinations
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| n.魅力( fascination的名词复数 )；有魅力的东西；迷恋；陶醉 | |
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atlas
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| n.地图册，图表集 | |
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orchid
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| n.兰花，淡紫色 | |
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persuasion
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| n.劝说；说服；持有某种信仰的宗派 | |
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cultivation
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| n.耕作，培养，栽培（法），养成 | |
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31
parlor
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| n.店铺，营业室；会客室，客厅 | |
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piazza
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| n.广场；走廊 | |
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33
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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abbreviated
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| adj. 简短的，省略的 动词abbreviate的过去式和过去分词 | |
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divers
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| adj.不同的；种种的 | |
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trophies
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| n.（为竞赛获胜者颁发的）奖品( trophy的名词复数 )；奖杯；（尤指狩猎或战争中获得的）纪念品；（用于比赛或赛跑名称）奖 | |
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conversed
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| v.交谈，谈话( converse的过去式 ) | |
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destined
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| adj.命中注定的；(for)以…为目的地的 | |
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parasite
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| n.寄生虫；寄生菌；食客 | |
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40
aspire
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| vi.(to，after)渴望，追求，有志于 | |
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41
behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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42
accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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43
yearn
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| v.想念；怀念；渴望 | |
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44
maiden
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| n.少女，处女；adj.未婚的，纯洁的，无经验的 | |
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45
frivolous
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| adj.轻薄的；轻率的 | |
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46
naught
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| n.无，零 [=nought] | |
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47
insipid
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| adj.无味的，枯燥乏味的，单调的 | |
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48
brook
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| n.小河，溪；v.忍受，容让 | |
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49
labors
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| v.努力争取(for)( labor的第三人称单数 )；苦干；详细分析；（指引擎）缓慢而困难地运转 | |
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ascertained
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| v.弄清，确定，查明( ascertain的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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51
temperament
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| n.气质，性格，性情 | |
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52
soda
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| n.苏打水；汽水 | |
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53
platonic
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| adj.精神的；柏拉图（哲学）的 | |
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54
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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55
bugles
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| 妙脆角，一种类似薯片但做成尖角或喇叭状的零食； 号角( bugle的名词复数 )； 喇叭； 匍匐筋骨草； （装饰女服用的）柱状玻璃（或塑料）小珠 | |
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56
virgins
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| 处女，童男( virgin的名词复数 )； 童贞玛利亚（耶稣之母） | |
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57
parable
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| n.寓言，比喻 | |
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58
plentiful
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| adj.富裕的，丰富的 | |
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59
flirtatious
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| adj.爱调情的，调情的，卖俏的 | |
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60
nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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61
waned
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| v.衰落( wane的过去式和过去分词 )；（月）亏；变小；变暗淡 | |
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followers
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| 追随者( follower的名词复数 )； 用户； 契据的附面； 从动件 | |
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63
fads
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| n.一时的流行，一时的风尚( fad的名词复数 ) | |
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64
earrings
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| n.耳环( earring的名词复数 )；耳坠子 | |
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piquant
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| adj.辛辣的，开胃的，令人兴奋的 | |
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caterpillar
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| n.毛虫，蝴蝶的幼虫 | |
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67
shudder
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| v.战粟，震动，剧烈地摇晃；n.战粟，抖动 | |
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gravel
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| n.砂跞；砂砾层；结石 | |
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69
scintillate
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| v.闪烁火光；放出火花 | |
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70
bristling
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| a.竖立的 | |
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71
repartee
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| n.机敏的应答 | |
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72
distilled
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| adj.由蒸馏得来的v.蒸馏( distil的过去式和过去分词 )；从…提取精华 | |
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chambers
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| n.房间( chamber的名词复数 )；（议会的）议院；卧室；会议厅 | |
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glorification
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| n.赞颂 | |
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75
approbation
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| n.称赞；认可 | |
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76
grouch
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| n.牢骚，不满；v.抱怨 | |
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77
velvet
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| n.丝绒，天鹅绒；adj.丝绒制的，柔软的 | |
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