The Song of a Wife, which is Mrs. Solomon’s.
Let him praise me with the words of his mouth; for his flattery is sweeter than wine and his kisses are rarer than orchids1.
Lo, my Beloved, thy hair is as stubble, and in the morning it standeth aloft, as a shorn wheat field.
Thy cheek is as a Turkish towel, which caresseth mine.
Thy temples are a shining light, which resembleth a silver polish advertisement.
Thou wearest a derby hat. Thy breath is sweet with cloves2.
How fascinating art thou in pajamas3, when thy face is covered with shaving lather4!
How beautiful are thy feet.
Behold5, thou art a collection of habits. Yea, unto these thou art more constant than the family cat.
110 Whatsoever6 thou hast done before, that shalt thou do forever and in the same way.
Thou kissest me once in the morning, once in the evening, and twice upon Christmas Day.
Thou clingest unto thine old pipe as unto thy reputation. Thou callest every woman by the same pet name.
Lo, what would my Beloved be without his habits? Even as a doggie’s tail which hath lost its “wag”! But thy heart, oh, my Beloved, is full of lightning changes. Its capacity is inexhaustible.
The memory of yesterday’s kiss is unto thee as the memory of yesterday’s dinner—sweet, but not satisfying.
Yet, though thy heart changeth many times, I, thy wife, am become one of thy habits!
Behold thou hast placed “Mrs.” upon my name; thou hast glorified7 me with a wedding ring!
Therefore, I am become thy doormat. Yea, I am as thy footstool.
111 I shall mend thy socks with rejoicing, and the replacing of thy buttons shall be my delight.
All the days of thy life, shall I clean thy safety razor and put the studs in thy shirts.
Then, cast thine ashes over my dressing8 table and strew9 my carpets with cigar stumps10.
Let the awnings11 of mine house be burned and my lace curtains consumed with fire. I shall not murmur12.
For I am my Beloved’s and there is naught13 else like unto him.
112
CHAPTER TWO
The Song of Songs, which is the widow’s.
When I was a rib14, I spoke15 as a rib, and all my ways were the ways of a rib.
Lo, I took man seriously, even as he took himself. For him did I rush the breakfast—and keep it waiting.
Unto him did I offer up the palm—and the morning paper. All his opinions were right in mine eyes; and because he said a thing, it was so.
He was the Lord of my Heart, and the Source of mine Income. And in him I saw nothing funny; for my sense of humor had not yet been awakened16.
He looked at my hats and mocked them. Yet that inverted17 salad bowl which he called a “derby” did not arouse my mirth. He waxed satirical at the number of my puffs18, and my coiffure was a daily target for his wit. Yet, though he cut all the hair from off his head, and left it to grow upon his face, I felt no merriment.
In his conceit19 he made of me a human joke.
113 But now that I am become a widow, I see him as he is. Therefore shall I arise and smite20 him in his vanity.
Lo, what woman shall take men seriously, once she hath been married unto one of these? For he, that seemeth a thing of beauty and wisdom unto many virgins22, is but a child in the eyes of his wife.
She knoweth the source of his opinions; and the padding of his shoulders is not hidden from her. His grouches23 are always with her and his digestion24 is her burden.
Go to! I have seen him at his mirror when he worked upon the parting of his hair. He hath borrowed my powder for his chin, and with my perfume hath he anointed himself. My nail-polish and my eau de cologne, they were not safe from him.
I have flattered him and beheld25 his fall. I have said unto him, “My love, thy judgment26 is above question and thy common sense above praise!”
And he hath smiled, as one that sippeth a wine of a rare vintage.
114 I have cooed unto him saying:
“Lo, thy reasoning powers and thine acumen27 are greater than those of Sherlock Holmes!”
And I have observed his secret joy.
I have cried out:
“Oh, why didst thou not go upon the stage? For thy shoulders are better than Faversham’s and thy profile than E. H. Sothern’s!”
And he hath straightway proposed!
The youths of the land have I called “Mr. Smith”, and the octogenarians addressed as “Silly Boy”. The fat man have I called “graceful”, and the ourang-outang, “distinguished”.
And all of these were overcome.
Their fairy tales have I outstripped28 with better fairy tales, and their devices with more subtile devices.
Verily, verily, men are as toys in mine hand; and, even as a child, do I delight to play with them.
Lo, she that fisheth for an husband, laboreth against many odds29, but she that fisheth for amusement casteth her nets in pleasant waters, and they shall return unto her heavy laden30.
115
CHAPTER THREE
The Litany of the Summer Girl, which she chanteth continuously, morning and night.
Oh, Lord, deliver me from the deadliness of the Summer Resort, and from all the deadly things therein.
From the emptiness of moonlight evenings without a Man, and the hollowness of life without a flirtation31, now preserve me.
From the sentimental32 grafter33 and the platonic34 friend oh spare me!
For, the one seeketh after cheap flirtations, and collecteth kisses, as a woman doth trading stamps. And the other is as a wet powder-rag which sticketh, but availeth nothing. Verily, verily, a breakfast-food without sugar and cream is not more insipid35 than one of these.
From college youths, which are fresher than spring asparagus and more tender than spring lamb, oh, deliver me!
116 From old bachelors, which are staler than last year’s canned goods, and tougher than cold rarebits, oh, preserve me!
From the hotel “phonograph,” which repeateth the same old love-tunes night after night, year in and year out, oh set me free!
From the impressionist that cometh down over Sunday, deliver me!
For, when he hath loved me with all his heart, and with all his mind, and with all his impudence36, for an whole week-end, he shall depart; and the scorners shall delight in their ha-has and the whisperers say, “She was but a temporary distraction37!”
From the summer widower38, that seeketh to return unto flirtation by a by-path, oh, hide me! For lo, I am not a consolation39 prize. Neither am I a grafter, coveting40 other women’s troubles.
From all gossip, and freckles41, and tan, and sand-in-the-shoes; from the patronizing bride, and the youth that playeth ragtime42; from the bathing suit that117 shrinketh, and the nose that peeleth; from mosquitoes, and cows and red ants; from hen parties, and springless straw rides, and manless dances, oh, deliver me!
Feed me with bon-bons and stay me with novels!
Lead me beside the full streams, where the fish are plentiful43 and the fishing worthy44 of the fishermaiden; that I may, peradventure, find, one eligible45, who shall rescue me from the Land of Innocuous Desuetude46, and usher47 me into the Kingdom of Matrimony!
118
CHAPTER FOUR
The Song of The Debutante48 which the Wise Virgin21 chanteth in her heart:
Oh, Providence49 in thy mercy, I beseech50 Thee, grant me these three:
A level head, a soft tongue, and a sense of humor! And the greatest of these is a sense of humor.
Lo, I do not ask for wealth, neither for beauty, nor for love; for, having a level head, and a soft tongue, all these things shall be added unto me.
I sigh not for the charms of an houri; and curling hair I shall not crave51. Yea, though one husband be all that is granted unto me in this day of Progressive Matrimony, I shall not murmur.
Though my waist-line increaseth, year by year, and my teeth depart one by one, I shall not be cast down. For, a cheerful disposition52 shall sustain me, and the smile that cometh not off shall keep me charming.
Though chorus girls marry above me; though I never build mine own bungalow53; though my frocks be made over, and my complexion54 made up, I shall not repine.
119 For, behold, I shall not take myself seriously, neither be filled with false illusions concerning men.
Lo, a woman that regardeth herself seriously is a human joke; and a woman that dallyeth with illusions is as a babe that played with matches. She burneth her own fingers.
Though my cooking be deadly, and my shoes “number fives” I shall not despair. For a sense of humor shall cover me as a mackintosh, off which the lemons, that fate casteth at me, shall roll as water. Verily, verily, a woman without a sense of humor is as one that goeth into New Jersey55 clad in lace hose. She layeth herself bare to constant stings; she suffereth untold56 pangs57.
Then grant me, I pray thee, this one panacea58:
That I may laugh when men laugh, and the point of their jokes shall not escape me.
That I may not tremble at their wrath59; neither wither60 under their sarcasm61, nor repine at their grouches.
And that, all the days of my youth, I shall dwell in the enjoyment62 of life, repartee63, and the pursuit of an husband! Amen.
120
CHAPTER FIVE
Incline thine ear, O, my Daughter! For this is the Song of the Bride, which containeth all the law and the “profits” of Matrimony.
I thank thee, O, my Beloved; for thou hast chosen me out of the multitude of women that were after thee.
Thou hast delivered me from spinsterhood and led me into the House of Bondage64.
Thy brand is upon me!
I am thy Chattel65.
Thy wishes shall be my wishes, thy tastes my tastes, and thy politics my politics.
I shall have no personal opinions before thine and no other thought before thee. Only my tooth brush shall remain of all mine individuality.
For lo, I have said in my heart, “Couldst thou love this man in a shop-made suit and a polka dot tie? Couldst thou love him though he lost his front hair? Couldst thou love him without a collar?”
121 And my heart hath answered:
“Yea, verily! For I am the apple of his eye, and he is the source of mine income. Therefore are we truly mated.”
Then, whatsoever thou doest, my beloved, it shall be right in my sight; and whatsoever thou wearest thou shalt seem beautiful in mine eyes.
Even in thy fishing clothes shall I adore thee; and if thou but concedest to change thy collar and carry one glove when we go forth66 in public thou shalt appear sufficiently67 dressy unto me.
I shall take great care of thy digestion, and thy devotion will take care of itself. I shall not practise my cooking upon thee.
I shall believe whatsoever thou tellest me, even when I know it to be false. I shall listen unto thy fairy tales with respect.
I shall delight in thine imagination and the works thereof.
I shall endeavor to like thee; for love passeth as the whirlwind, but friendship is a rock which endureth forever.
122 I shall not laugh at thee, for I am sane68.
When thou hookest my frocks crooked69 I shall not murmur, but shall urge thee on with my cheers and praises. I shall not hear thy mutterings.
I shall remember thy pipe, thy razor, and thy morning newspaper, to keep them holy.
Thy Desk shall be sacred from mine hands. Thou shalt have one hook within the closet.
I shall be a mother unto thee; yet shall I permit thee to treat me as a babe, that thou mayest rest under thy favorite delusion70. Whosoever speaketh against thee I shall rend71 her with my finger nails and my sarcasm.
I shall learn to be happy without thee in order that I may be happy with thee, when thou chancest to be at home.
Thou shalt go thy ways untroubled; for I shall not be thy jailer but thy jollier.
Verily, verily, I shall be all things unto thee; even a wife, an angel, a kitten, a cook, a chum, and a siren.
Yea, I shall be thine whole harem!
SELAH.
The End
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1
orchids
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| n.兰花( orchid的名词复数 ) | |
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cloves
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| n.丁香（热带树木的干花，形似小钉子，用作调味品，尤用作甜食的香料）( clove的名词复数 )；蒜瓣(a garlic ~|a ~of garlic) | |
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pajamas
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| n.睡衣裤 | |
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lather
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| n.(肥皂水的)泡沫，激动 | |
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behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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whatsoever
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| adv.（用于否定句中以加强语气）任何；pron.无论什么 | |
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glorified
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| 美其名的，变荣耀的 | |
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dressing
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| n.(食物)调料；包扎伤口的用品，敷料 | |
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strew
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| vt.撒；使散落；撒在…上，散布于 | |
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stumps
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| （被砍下的树的）树桩( stump的名词复数 )； 残肢； （板球三柱门的）柱； 残余部分 | |
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awnings
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| 篷帐布 | |
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murmur
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| n.低语，低声的怨言；v.低语，低声而言 | |
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naught
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| n.无，零 [=nought] | |
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rib
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| n.肋骨，肋状物 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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16
awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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inverted
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| adj.反向的，倒转的v.使倒置，使反转( invert的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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18
puffs
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| n.吸( puff的名词复数 )；（烟斗或香烟的）一吸；一缕（烟、蒸汽等）；（呼吸或风的）呼v.使喷出( puff的第三人称单数 )；喷着汽（或烟）移动；吹嘘；吹捧 | |
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conceit
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| n.自负，自高自大 | |
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smite
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| v.重击；彻底击败；n.打；尝试；一点儿 | |
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21
virgin
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| n.处女，未婚女子；adj.未经使用的；未经开发的 | |
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virgins
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| 处女，童男( virgin的名词复数 )； 童贞玛利亚（耶稣之母） | |
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23
grouches
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| n.爱抱怨的人( grouch的名词复数 )；脾气坏的人；牢骚；生气 | |
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24
digestion
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| n.消化，吸收 | |
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25
beheld
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| v.看，注视( behold的过去式和过去分词 )；瞧；看呀；（叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现）哎哟 | |
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26
judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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acumen
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| n.敏锐，聪明 | |
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28
outstripped
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| v.做得比…更好，（在赛跑等中）超过( outstrip的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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29
odds
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| n.让步，机率，可能性，比率；胜败优劣之别 | |
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30
laden
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| adj.装满了的；充满了的；负了重担的；苦恼的 | |
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flirtation
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| n.调情，调戏，挑逗 | |
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sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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grafter
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| 嫁接的人，贪污者，收贿者； 平铲 | |
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platonic
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| adj.精神的；柏拉图（哲学）的 | |
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insipid
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| adj.无味的，枯燥乏味的，单调的 | |
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impudence
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| n.厚颜无耻；冒失；无礼 | |
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distraction
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| n.精神涣散，精神不集中，消遣，娱乐 | |
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38
widower
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| n.鳏夫 | |
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consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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40
coveting
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| v.贪求，觊觎( covet的现在分词 ) | |
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41
freckles
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| n.雀斑，斑点( freckle的名词复数 ) | |
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42
ragtime
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| n.拉格泰姆音乐 | |
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43
plentiful
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| adj.富裕的，丰富的 | |
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44
worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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45
eligible
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| adj.有条件被选中的；(尤指婚姻等)合适(意)的 | |
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46
desuetude
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| n.废止，不用 | |
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47
usher
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| n.带位员，招待员；vt.引导，护送；vi.做招待，担任引座员 | |
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48
debutante
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| n.初入社交界的少女 | |
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49
providence
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| n.深谋远虑，天道，天意；远见；节约；上帝 | |
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50
beseech
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| v.祈求，恳求 | |
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51
crave
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| vt.渴望得到，迫切需要，恳求，请求 | |
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52
disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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53
bungalow
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| n.平房，周围有阳台的木造小平房 | |
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54
complexion
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| n.肤色；情况，局面；气质，性格 | |
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55
jersey
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| n.运动衫 | |
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56
untold
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| adj.数不清的，无数的 | |
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57
pangs
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| 突然的剧痛( pang的名词复数 )； 悲痛 | |
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58
panacea
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| n.万灵药；治百病的灵药 | |
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59
wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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60
wither
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| vt.使凋谢，使衰退，(用眼神气势等)使畏缩；vi.枯萎，衰退，消亡 | |
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61
sarcasm
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| n.讥讽，讽刺，嘲弄，反话 （adj.sarcastic） | |
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62
enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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63
repartee
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| n.机敏的应答 | |
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64
bondage
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| n.奴役，束缚 | |
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65
chattel
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| n.动产；奴隶 | |
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66
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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67
sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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68
sane
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| adj.心智健全的，神志清醒的，明智的，稳健的 | |
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69
crooked
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| adj.弯曲的；不诚实的，狡猾的，不正当的 | |
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70
delusion
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| n.谬见，欺骗，幻觉，迷惑 | |
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71
rend
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| vt.把…撕开，割裂；把…揪下来，强行夺取 | |
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