Your wife is never a meteorite2 fallen from the sky, but a fruit still attached to the branch, and this branch is taken from a trunk, which is the family to which she belongs. [Pg 193] When you marry her you must inevitably3 marry her relations also; you must enter a clan4 which may be a garden of roses, but may be also a wasp’s nest—nay5, even a nest of vipers6.
Do not allow yourself any illusions, believing that when once you are legitimate7 master of your companion you will be able to isolate8 yourself in the nest of your domestic felicity, chasing away wasps9 and crushing the vipers, if there should be any. I will suppose that the woman loves you much, and adores you above all creatures in the world, but the clan from which she has been taken will complain of you, protest and conspire11 against you. Her parents have ceded13 the government [Pg 194] of one of their provinces to you, but still hold the protectorate and place a resident near, and they reserve the right of intervention15 in many, unfortunately in too many, cases.
The idea of a wife, then, would be that she should be an orphan16 with only the most distant relations or guardians17, who are happy to have her well married. But here again there are new complications. To be an orphan at an early age means, since the parents died young, to belong to an unhealthy stock. The decadence18 of many English families is due to this very fact. The younger sons of the nobility, who bear a noble name, but have an empty purse, seek to equalize blazonry [Pg 195] and finance by marrying orphans19, or only daughters, and thus they bring into the new family the risk of an infirm state of health and sterility20.
It is only too true that all the gravest problems of life are so framed that when you have succeeded with patience and labour in untying21 one knot, others form under your fingers.
The wife, however, might be an orphan from other causes, independent of the health of the parents, and that would be the highest ideal—for example, a girl who had escaped from a fire, or a railway accident, in which both parents (alike robust) were killed. I am supposing things incredible, or at least improbable; I make cruel conjectures22, but what can [Pg 196] I do? A scolding, wicked, or jealous mother-in-law is worse than a fire and railway disaster together.
Those good, courteous23, intelligent mothers-in-law need not alarm themselves—those who become a second mother to their sons-in-law, who double the delights of the dual24 life, who bring you the valuable blessing25 of experience and disinterested26 affection, and who act in the domestic storm as conciliatory judges. Hosanna and everlasting27 glory to such beings, sent by Providence28 to double your happiness.
For I only speak of others who, without being bad, are women, or rather men, with all the congenital defects of the race of Adam.
The best of mothers-in-law always [Pg 197] sees in you an intruder, a rival, a man who has robbed her of her daughter, and since she is good she will not worry you; but she will make scenes of jealousy29; she will not plot against you with your wife, but will swallow so much bitterness day by day in the secret silence of her house as to enlarge her liver, so that some day or other her moral jaundice will be scattered30 through the atmosphere of your home, and you too will feel the bitterness.
I understand and am indulgent. That bitterness is distilled31 from the deepest and most delicate regions of the heart. To have loved a daughter for twenty or thirty years, to have brought her into the world with pain, to have suckled her with spasms32, to [Pg 198] have educated her with a wise love, after having breathed the same air, eaten at the same table, shared bread and tears; and then for the first comer, just because he wears trousers and has an impudent33 moustache, to rob her of all that treasure with an arrogance34 as if he claimed and took his own—that is hard. And as if that were not enough, the daughter, the angel of her domestic temple, runs after the trousers and moustaches, and goes away, abandoning her mother’s and her own house, as if she were leaving a room at an hotel in which she had passed the night.
Let us be just! Who will dare to throw the first stone at that poor woman, the pitiable mother? Who would dare ill treat her if she asked [Pg 199] as a charity the favour that her daughter’s new home should be near hers, if she implored35 you to allow her to visit her often? Man is egotistic and feels paternity less than woman, but even if only in a slight degree he ought to understand the hidden hell of a mother-in-law who has to watch her daughter leave her own nest.
The marriage of a loved daughter is an event expected and desired, but it is like a birth, a blessing accompanied by tremendous pain. Elect natures feel the pain, but do not show it, lest they should give pain to others, and never convert it into hate.
Others, on the contrary, transform every drop of bitterness which they swallow into a feeling of vengeance36, which they ruminate37 on for some time [Pg 200] and hatch with cruel patience, to launch it against you when least you expect it.
I may suppose you to be patient and good, to be an optimist38 in your philosophy; you will be deaf to the most mellifluous39 insinuations, you will say Thank you when your foot is trodden on, and Thank you for the rhubarb lozenge which will be offered you—in short, you will take the points from all the darts40 launched against you; but there will come a day in which patience, goodness, philosophy, will be scattered to the wind, and you, with so much repressed wrath41, will burst out all at once, and placing yourself before your wife, will say:
“There must be an end to all this; it must be either I or her!”
The proverbs of all European languages, [Pg 201] the satires42 of the poets, the wit of dramatists, have always agreed in compassionating43 the sons-in-law, and hurling44 darts against the mothers-in-law. This experience of many centuries has taught us that a good mother-in-law is very rare, and that in marriage she is an element most pregnant with danger, most fruitful in disaster.
From all this we ought to learn two things:
1st. Before taking a wife to study the character of the future mother-in-law well, and to try and discover whether we shall find in her an angel or a harpy, an ally or an enemy.
2d. According to the result of our psychological inquiry45 we ought to declare most decidedly that we will [Pg 202] not live with the family of the wife, nor take her mother into our house. If the chosen one of our heart really loves us she will consider this decision of ours quite just, and will help us to gain the victory if a battle there must be.
In your own case do not pass it over, do not cede14 a hand’s breadth of land; keep firm in your intention, being quite convinced that by so doing you will make your own happiness, that of your wife, and of the new family. Between mother-in-law and son-in-law there ought to be affection and respect; a current of benevolent47, delicate, and gentle sentiment ought to pass between them, but at a distance, a most respectful distance; so that no sparks, shocks, [Pg 203] much less lightning flashes, may appear. Affection, not intimacy48; respect, not subjection.
?
But the complications do not finish with the problem of the mother-in-law. There is the other problem which arises when the candidate for marriage has lost his first wife, or the woman her first husband, or both of them their first partners, with or without children on one side or on both sides.
The possible combinations are these:
Widow and widower49
without children.
with children.
of the man.
of the woman.
of both.
Widower
without children.
with children.
Widow
without children.
with children.
[Pg 204]
These various combinations are so many algebraical formul? in which one may find snares50, dangers to happiness, and rancour without end.
If you are a widower and you marry a widow, and neither of you have children, no danger hangs over you. Liberty on both sides, no right nor pretext51 for intervention; marriage presents itself almost in the guise52 of an union between two young people.
You may indeed incur53 the danger of your wife making comparisons, and these not to your advantage. An old proverb says, Comparisons are odious54, but I should like to make a correction and add that for him to whom they are unfavourable they are odious, but flattering to him who gains by them. Perhaps you may [Pg 205] excel your predecessor56, and your companion will be happy to find it so.
In any case, if you have your weak side inquire about the public and private virtues57 of the first husband, and put the results into the balance which must weigh the pros58 and cons12 of the marriage.
A widow and a widower may both have children, or one only may have them. The dangers in these cases are very different.
It is better for the wife to have them, for if the husband really loves her he will also love her children; and besides, being a man, he is less at home, and paternity is always an episode in his life and not the whole life, as maternity59 is with the [Pg 206] woman. Then if the man has the good fortune not to have children he will often end by loving his wife’s as much as though they were his own.
In the case of there being children on both sides the balance may prove of advantage, because it is equal in weight and measure, and the two married people have cause to reproach themselves and to suffer for the same things.
The worst case is that of a widower with children to whose number the new wife adds; he must be an angel, his wife and children angels also, if no civil war breaks out in his house. Think of it well, think a hundred times. Do not complicate60 the marriage, already fraught61 [Pg 207] with so many dangers, by imprudence and temerity62.
In marriages between a widow and a widower the greatest danger arises from the children, who fear or see their future threatened, and who in their love for their lost parent believe the new marriage to be an outrage63 to the memory of the dear one.
It is in these cases that we see all that a man has of venom64 and baseness come up and soil and cover everything with defilement65 and poison; all the brutal66 possibilities of human egotism covered, it may be, with varnish67 but still the skeleton underlying68 every thought and feeling.
?
Only one of the engaged persons may be widow or widower, and it is [Pg 208] greatly to the honour of women that more men marry a second time than women. Man often finds more happiness in marriage than she does, while she is more faithful to the memory of the departed, and thinks more of her children than herself.
How many women I have known who, being left widows quite young, have sacrificed themselves, together with the need of loving and being loved, to their children, often to one alone; proud of their sacrifice, unconquerable against all temptations and against all the power of the most legitimate passions.
Do children know how to value this heroism69 hidden in the bosom70 of so many families? Do they understand that there is more courage [Pg 209] required in this struggle of months and years than one day’s assault of a battery in battle?
Very rarely do they know it, for even the best of children do not return a hundredth part of the love they have received from their parents, and especially from their mother.
?
Is happiness more easily to be found in the union of a widower and a young woman, or in that of a widow and a celibate71?
The answer is difficult, for the problem is too vague, and individual qualities weigh too heavily in the balance, gradually modifying the surroundings, the affections now warding72 [Pg 210] off dangers, now increasing them infinitely73.
If other conditions be favourable55 the widow is generally an excellent wife for many reasons: She has lost many illusions, but has learned to know and excuse the egotism of man. Sometimes she will have been obliged to beg her first husband’s pardon for some accession of jealousy or caprice; and as a woman always occupies herself in everything more with other people’s happiness than her own, she wishes to give her second husband perfect bliss74, and often and willingly succeeds. If she cannot offer her companion the virginal flower (which after all is more a myth than a real jewel) she can give him all the treasures [Pg 211] of amorous75 experience, that is often worth more than a hundred virginities.
On the other hand the widower who marries a young woman has the great advantage of her not being able to make any odious comparisons, and he also brings precious gems76 to the new home which an unmarried man does not know or possess. He has learned to know all the little weaknesses and great virtues of woman, he has learned to become less egotistical, to think of others more than himself, and as separate from himself, and he generally is an excellent husband.
?
In all intricate problems, in all the fatal confusions which present themselves [Pg 212] in the marriage between widows and widowers77, between widows, widowers, and celibates78, the anchor of safety which saves from shipwreck79 is always the heart. When there is great love, and it is shared by two, who join hands forever, every difficulty is cleared away, and concord80 ends by hoisting81 its banner over the new house. The most ferocious82 hatred83 is conquered by generosity84, by the indulgence of one who loves much, and after a short battle of the opposing forces love scatters85 its flowers and blessing over the new nest. Love is the strength of strengths, which surpasses all others, and in this case it is omnipotent86, so that when it exists in all its proper energy on one side only, it absorbs [Pg 213] all the minor87 energies, and on the fields threatened with hail and lightning the sun shines through the last drops of the beneficent rain, and the rainbow hangs its multicoloured bridge in the sky, drawing enemies nearer and making them allies.
?
Of all the accidents which we may meet on the threshold of matrimony one of the most common is the stoppage of the way by someone who exclaims: “Halt! there is no passage here.”
You are a minor, or your loved one is, or the person who has the right to speak does not find your choice to his taste, and shuts the door of the temple you wish to enter [Pg 214] in your face, securing it with many chains. Civil war is declared, and it is to be seen who can and ought to gain the victory.
This can and ought are not synonymous terms, because the parents on one side or the other can withhold88 their consent to your union, but many times they are in the wrong, and ought not to refuse to sanction the marriage.
As regards two lovers, if their love is sincere, if in their secret and confidential89 dialogues they have sworn the everlasting yes to each other, if they have nearly conjugated90 half of the verb to love, they believe that they have every right in the world to become husband and wife; and when they have tried all fair means [Pg 215] to bend the will of the tyrant91 or tyrants92 they run away together, secretly, hoping that once the deed is done it will sooner or later receive the consent of those opposing it. Sometimes, however, the wandering sheep are discovered before the deed is consummated93, and are re-conducted with many reproaches to their respective folds. In more serious cases spectres of single or double suicide, asphyxiation94, poison, or the revolver may appear.
Should anyone find himself in such case meditating95 death, and have time to cast a look on these pages, let him leave the charcoal96, the poison of the druggist, and the revolver of the armourer. Life is a good and beautiful thing that must be guarded with [Pg 216] love, caressed97 with tenderness, and if love ought to be the bridegroom of the marriage, reason and good sense ought always to be present as witnesses.
If with a stroke of a magic wand one could raise all those who have committed self-destruction to life again, after having dressed their wounds, they would take up life gaily98, and even another love affair.
Parents always have the duty and the right of speaking, protesting, and counselling, nay, even of interposing a veto, if they see their children’s future endangered when they have chosen love as arbitrator, but have forgotten to call good sense and reason as witnesses.
If you will marry an abject99 creature [Pg 217] who will dishonour100 your name and the name of the family to which you belong, and of whom after a few months of warm passion you yourself will be ashamed; if you will marry a woman suffering from tuberculous disease, or one of a consumptive family, or where madness is present; if you will increase the sad patrimony101 of proletaries and the unemployed102, having neither present nor future resources; if in one way or another you throw yourself with closed eyes head foremost into a bottomless abyss only to satisfy carnal excitement which you may call passion, but which is only the desire of the flesh—father and mother have full right to oppose your ruin with all possible means; and even if they [Pg 218] should not succeed they will have done their duty. If the means they take succeed you will later on thank them with a warm gratitude103.
In all these cases I allow you to combat, to weep, even tear out some of your hair; but the tears over, the muscles tired, gather up the hair you have torn out and present it to your fair one, telling her to keep it until your return as a pledge of your eternal faith; for you ought to leave, and that instantly, even on foot, even asking money of the tyrannical parents or of some compassionate104 friend. Travel in far countries, and who knows if on your return you will not find a neat little packet tied with rose-coloured ribbon—your letters, your hair, and perhaps the announcement [Pg 219] of the marriage of your old fiancée.
If your love, instead, has known how to resist the long absence, if it has strengthened and grown, who knows if the hard parents will not be moved to pity and try to make an adjustment, provided, however, that there be no consumption, madness, or other calamities105 to dissuade106 you from marriage in an absolute and decided46 way. Better that you should die than sow death broadcast in future generations.
?
There are some cases, however, in which the wrong is not yours, but is theirs who unreasonably107 and tyrannically oppose your happiness from [Pg 220] prejudices of rank, avidity of money, or some caprice or other. If you are a count or marquis and love a girl of good family without a coat of arms, or if you are very rich and wish to marry an educated girl of angelic character, but who is not rich—in these and similar cases seek the help of your mother, who is nearly always more compassionate than your father, or ask counsel and help from some intimate friend, from one of the few who knows your heart like a book, and has never flattered you.
In these domestic contests it is very rare for right and reason to be on one side only; there is a little on this side and a little on that; your hands are too unsteady to hold the balance of justice steadily108, and weigh [Pg 221] with precision the pro1 and the con10. Your mother, instead, who loves you as no one else can (not even your lover), and your friend who knows you well, see things from a dispassionate and calm point of view, and will judge justly whether you are right or wrong; and if you are neither mad nor a fool you will end by believing those who love you and desire your good; and, as the case may be, stand firm and you will win. The ancient Greek appealed against Philip, the modern miller109 appeals against Berlin, and both were right against Philip and against Frederick the Great. Your mother and friend will appeal to you not to fast entirely110 from love, but to be a little less hungry, and who knows but that they [Pg 222] will end in being right against that king of kings Love—stronger than the father of Alexander the Great, greater than Frederick the Great.
If they really love you, and are persons of good sense, they will say neither No! nor Never! to you, but will content themselves by saying, Have a little patience; wait.
Time is the chief and capable corrector of the proof sheets of the sketches111 of love, as also the policy of Fabius the temporizer112, who knew how to gain so many wars by skirmishes and battles.
The stone of comparison enables us to distinguish gold from ignoble113 metal; time teaches us to separate with certainty true love from the desire of the flesh, from the fussy114 [Pg 223] exactions of self-love and all that is plated. And perhaps, besides your mother and friend, you will listen to the long experience of him who writes, and will hear his voice, which says to you, cries to you, supplicates115 you:
Let time take its course, ever and always.
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1
pro
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| n.赞成，赞成的意见，赞成者 | |
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2
meteorite
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| n.陨石；流星 | |
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inevitably
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| adv.不可避免地；必然发生地 | |
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clan
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| n.氏族，部落，宗族，家族，宗派 | |
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nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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vipers
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| n.蝰蛇( viper的名词复数 )；毒蛇；阴险恶毒的人；奸诈者 | |
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legitimate
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| adj.合法的，合理的，合乎逻辑的；v.使合法 | |
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8
isolate
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| vt.使孤立，隔离 | |
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wasps
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| 黄蜂( wasp的名词复数 )； 胡蜂； 易动怒的人； 刻毒的人 | |
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con
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| n.反对的观点，反对者，反对票，肺病；vt.精读，学习，默记；adv.反对地，从反面；adj.欺诈的 | |
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conspire
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| v.密谋，（事件等）巧合，共同导致 | |
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cons
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| n.欺骗，骗局( con的名词复数 )v.诈骗，哄骗( con的第三人称单数 ) | |
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13
ceded
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| v.让给，割让，放弃( cede的过去式 ) | |
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cede
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| v.割让，放弃 | |
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intervention
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| n.介入，干涉，干预 | |
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orphan
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| n.孤儿；adj.无父母的 | |
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guardians
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| 监护人( guardian的名词复数 )； 保护者，维护者 | |
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decadence
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| n.衰落，颓废 | |
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orphans
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| 孤儿( orphan的名词复数 ) | |
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sterility
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| n.不生育，不结果，贫瘠，消毒，无菌 | |
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untying
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| untie的现在分词 | |
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conjectures
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| 推测，猜想( conjecture的名词复数 ) | |
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courteous
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| adj.彬彬有礼的，客气的 | |
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dual
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| adj.双的；二重的，二元的 | |
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blessing
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| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
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disinterested
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| adj.不关心的，不感兴趣的 | |
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everlasting
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| adj.永恒的，持久的，无止境的 | |
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providence
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| n.深谋远虑，天道，天意；远见；节约；上帝 | |
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jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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distilled
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| adj.由蒸馏得来的v.蒸馏( distil的过去式和过去分词 )；从…提取精华 | |
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spasms
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| n.痉挛( spasm的名词复数 )；抽搐；（能量、行为等的）突发；发作 | |
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impudent
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| adj.鲁莽的，卑鄙的，厚颜无耻的 | |
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arrogance
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| n.傲慢，自大 | |
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implored
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| 恳求或乞求（某人）( implore的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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vengeance
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| n.报复，报仇，复仇 | |
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ruminate
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| v.反刍；沉思 | |
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optimist
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| n.乐观的人，乐观主义者 | |
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mellifluous
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| adj.（音乐等）柔美流畅的 | |
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darts
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| n.掷飞镖游戏；飞镖( dart的名词复数 )；急驰，飞奔v.投掷，投射( dart的第三人称单数 )；向前冲，飞奔 | |
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wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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satires
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| 讽刺，讥讽( satire的名词复数 )； 讽刺作品 | |
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compassionating
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| v.同情（compassionate的现在分词形式） | |
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hurling
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| n.爱尔兰式曲棍球v.猛投，用力掷( hurl的现在分词 )；大声叫骂 | |
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inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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benevolent
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| adj.仁慈的，乐善好施的 | |
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intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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widower
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| n.鳏夫 | |
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snares
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| n.陷阱( snare的名词复数 )；圈套；诱人遭受失败（丢脸、损失等）的东西；诱惑物v.用罗网捕捉，诱陷，陷害( snare的第三人称单数 ) | |
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51
pretext
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| n.借口，托词 | |
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52
guise
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| n.外表，伪装的姿态 | |
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53
incur
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| vt.招致，蒙受，遭遇 | |
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54
odious
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| adj.可憎的，讨厌的 | |
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favourable
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| adj.赞成的，称赞的，有利的，良好的，顺利的 | |
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predecessor
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| n.前辈，前任 | |
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57
virtues
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| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
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pros
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| abbr.prosecuting 起诉；prosecutor 起诉人；professionals 自由职业者；proscenium （舞台）前部n.赞成的意见( pro的名词复数 )；赞成的理由；抵偿物；交换物 | |
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59
maternity
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| n.母性，母道，妇产科病房；adj.孕妇的，母性的 | |
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complicate
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| vt.使复杂化，使混乱，使难懂 | |
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fraught
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| adj.充满…的，伴有(危险等)的；忧虑的 | |
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temerity
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| n.鲁莽，冒失 | |
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outrage
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| n.暴行，侮辱，愤怒；vt.凌辱，激怒 | |
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venom
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| n.毒液，恶毒，痛恨 | |
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65
defilement
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| n.弄脏，污辱，污秽 | |
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brutal
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| adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的 | |
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varnish
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| n.清漆；v.上清漆；粉饰 | |
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68
underlying
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| adj.在下面的，含蓄的，潜在的 | |
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heroism
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| n.大无畏精神，英勇 | |
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bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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celibate
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| adj.独身的，独身主义的；n.独身者 | |
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72
warding
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| 监护，守护（ward的现在分词形式） | |
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infinitely
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| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
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bliss
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| n.狂喜，福佑，天赐的福 | |
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amorous
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| adj.多情的；有关爱情的 | |
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gems
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| growth； economy； management； and customer satisfaction 增长 | |
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widowers
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| n.鳏夫( widower的名词复数 ) | |
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celibates
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| n.独身者( celibate的名词复数 ) | |
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shipwreck
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| n.船舶失事，海难 | |
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concord
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| n.和谐；协调 | |
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hoisting
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| 起重，提升 | |
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ferocious
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| adj.凶猛的，残暴的，极度的，十分强烈的 | |
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hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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generosity
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| n.大度，慷慨，慷慨的行为 | |
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85
scatters
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| v.（使）散开， （使）分散，驱散( scatter的第三人称单数 )；撒 | |
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omnipotent
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| adj.全能的，万能的 | |
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minor
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| adj.较小(少)的，较次要的；n.辅修学科；vi.辅修 | |
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withhold
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| v.拒绝，不给；使停止，阻挡 | |
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confidential
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| adj.秘（机）密的，表示信任的，担任机密工作的 | |
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conjugated
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| adj.共轭的，成对的v.列出（动词的）变化形式( conjugate的过去式和过去分词 )；结合，联合，熔化 | |
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tyrant
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| n.暴君，专制的君主，残暴的人 | |
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tyrants
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| 专制统治者( tyrant的名词复数 )； 暴君似的人； （古希腊的）僭主； 严酷的事物 | |
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consummated
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| v.使结束( consummate的过去式和过去分词 )；使完美；完婚；（婚礼后的）圆房 | |
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asphyxiation
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| n. 窒息 | |
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meditating
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| a.沉思的，冥想的 | |
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96
charcoal
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| n.炭，木炭，生物炭 | |
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caressed
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| 爱抚或抚摸…( caress的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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gaily
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| adv.欢乐地，高兴地 | |
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99
abject
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| adj.极可怜的，卑屈的 | |
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100
dishonour
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| n./vt.拒付（支票、汇票、票据等）；vt.凌辱，使丢脸；n.不名誉，耻辱，不光彩 | |
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101
patrimony
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| n.世袭财产，继承物 | |
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102
unemployed
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| adj.失业的，没有工作的；未动用的，闲置的 | |
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103
gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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104
compassionate
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| adj.有同情心的，表示同情的 | |
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105
calamities
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| n.灾祸，灾难( calamity的名词复数 )；不幸之事 | |
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dissuade
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| v.劝阻，阻止 | |
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107
unreasonably
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| adv. 不合理地 | |
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108
steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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109
miller
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| n.磨坊主 | |
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110
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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111
sketches
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| n.草图( sketch的名词复数 )；素描；速写；梗概 | |
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112
temporizer
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| n.顺应时势者，见风使舵的人 | |
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113
ignoble
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| adj.不光彩的，卑鄙的；可耻的 | |
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114
fussy
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| adj.为琐事担忧的，过分装饰的，爱挑剔的 | |
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115
supplicates
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| vt.& vi.祈求，哀求，恳求（supplicate的第三人称单数形式） | |
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