All the children around me were stamping and shouting, running every minute between mouthfuls to see if the cab had come, if my box were in the hall, and read aloud the label, "Passenger to Lysterby by Birmingham," in awed5 tones. It seemed so wonderful to them that I should be described as "passenger" to anywhere. Not a tear was shed by anybody. Only war-whoops and joyous6 voluble chatter7 and thrilling orders that rang along the passage like the clarion8 notes[Pg 114] of destiny. Elsewhere hearts under such circumstances might break. Here they only palpitated with delight in the unusual, and the whole party was filled with a like impatience9 to lead me in triumph down to the cab, not from a heartless desire to get rid of me, but for the grand dramatic instant of farewell. They greedily yearned10 to bundle me into the fatal vehicle, for the intoxicating11 novelty of waving their handkerchiefs to me from the doorstep as the cab drove off.
What might follow for me they did not take into account, having neither imagination nor tenderness to help them to look beyond a glowing moment. What would follow for them they were already perfectly12 aware of: a wild race up-stairs, and a whole entrancing afternoon devoted13 to discussing my departure, voyage, and probable experiences.
My stepfather took me up in his arms, kissed me on both cheeks with his cheery careless affection, and carried me down-stairs. My mother followed with a shawl, and a packet containing cold chicken, bread, cake, and milk.
In the hall the terrible postulant stood waiting for me, and met my scared look with a quick nod, meant to assure me that although her aspect might be that of an ogre, she could be trusted[Pg 115] not to devour14 a little girl. My mother gave her the lunch and the shawl, and told her to keep me warm, as I was not yet recovered from the effects of whooping-cough. Through the open door I saw my box on the top of the cab, and it seemed as if hundreds of shrill15 young voices were shouting blithely16 to me, "Good-bye, Angela." Quantities of soft young lips strove to kiss me at once, and dancing blue eyes sparkled around me, and gave me the sensation of being already cast out of a warm circle where my empty place would not be felt, where no word of regret would ever be uttered for the unwelcome waif that called them sister.
Without a tear or a word, giving back their joyous "Good-bye" without sorrow or revolt, I carried my mumbed little heart into the cab, so alone that the companionship of the postulant offered me no promise of protection or sympathy, and I never once looked at my stepfather sitting opposite me.
So I began my life, and so has it continued. Some obscure instinct of pride compelled me to wave my handkerchief in response to excited waves of white from the pavement. I looked as if I did not care, and this was the start of a subsequent deliberate development of the "don't[Pg 116] care" philosophy, which the good ladies of Mercy triumphantly17 prophesied18 would eventually lead me to perdition. To perdition it did not lead me, but to many private hours of despair and suffering, for which I could claim no alleviation19 in the support of my fellows, since I had chosen the attitude of defiance20 and "don't care."
Heaven knows how much I cared! what salt passionate21 tears I wept because I always cared a great deal too much. But this nobody knew. My pride was to pass for a hardened reprobate22, and such were my iniquities23 and the ferocity of that same untamable pride that if I achieved success in nothing else, here my accomplishment24 could not be disputed.
I can hardly tell now what were my first definite impressions of a ship and the sea, for it is difficult to recall the time when either constituted a novelty for me. If there were truth in the theory of transmigration of the soul, mine ought to be a remnant of a sailor's, or a child's born at sea. The big vessel25 inspired me with no fears, but an acute sensation of delight. The ropes, the sailors, the shouting, the wonderful file of porters laden26 with trunks and portmanteaus, cases and boxes dropping into mysterious depths with such an awful suggestion of fatality27, the [Pg 117]triumphant assertion of our herded28 insignificance29, the captain's air of deity30 upon the bridge above, the marvels31 of the cabins below, and the little perilous32 stairs one rather slid than walked down, and the rapture33 of climbing up again from the stuffy34 dimness into the grey brine-tasting air, to laugh aloud in the intoxication35 of fear as the ship rose and fell upon the swell36 of a choppy grey sea rushing into the river's mouth.
It was sad to be alone, to be going away at seven from one's land and home among unknown barbarians37; but for one strange hour I was not to be pitied, so quivering with pleasure was this first taste of adventure. By-and-by I grew stunned and quiescent38, and was glad to sit still, curled up in some pretty lady's lap, where my cheek rested luxuriously39 against soft, warm fur. But for the moment I was too eager to see everything, follow every curious movement with childhood's wide alert gaze, hear everything, understand everything.
My stepfather, like a big, good-natured man, humoured me, and we seemed to travel together hand-in-hand over an entire world, looking at all sorts of odd things, and listening to all sorts of odd noises. It was less beautiful, to be sure, but how much more interesting than the [Pg 118]pantomime! I provoked a shout of laughter from a man in a greatcoat with a tremendous black beard, by clamouring to know where the sharks were. Before the answer could come, a bell rang sharply, and somebody sang out "All ashore40!"
"Good-bye, Angy, and God bless you! Be a good child, now, and don't fret," said my stepfather, stooping to gather me to him, and there was a break in his voice I had once before heard, when he found me with dead Stevie in my arms.
I can imagine what a piteous little object I must have looked, so frail41 and fair and small, standing42 alone on the big deck, without a hand to clasp, a fond smile to encourage me, lips to kiss away my tears. But he was too much of the careless, good-tempered Irishman to allow unpleasant emotions to trouble him except in a vague and transient way. Now I know how he would blink away the sad vision, and as he turned from me with a cheery "Don't fret," he waved his hand encouragingly, and his golden beard shone brightly in the subdued43 morning lights. He was a brave picture at all times, so smiling and handsome, and tall, and big, with the clearest blue eyes I have ever seen and the most winning of gestures.
I was straining to watch the last of him, forcing my passage through skirts and trousers, like an excited mouse, when a lady caught me up in her arms and held me while I frantically44 shook my handkerchief, and he to the last stood on the wharf45, kissing his hand and waving his hat to me, as if I were a grown-up person. I was enchanted46 with his gallant47 air and fine courtesy, and flung him kisses with both hands. Then I buried my head in the lady's fur, and sobbed48 as if my heart would break.
Ireland was receding49 from me, the ship was rocking, there was a sullen50 deafening51 roar of steam, and I could no longer discern the one familiar figure I gazed for in the dim indistinguishable crowd on the thin, dark shoreline. The only world I knew was fading fast before my wet glance, and in terror of another I clasped the strange lady's neck, and shivered into her soothing52 furs.
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1
fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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sensational
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| adj.使人感动的，非常好的，轰动的，耸人听闻的 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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stunned
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| adj. 震惊的，惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词 | |
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5
awed
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| adj.充满敬畏的，表示敬畏的v.使敬畏，使惊惧( awe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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joyous
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| adj.充满快乐的；令人高兴的 | |
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chatter
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| vi.／n.喋喋不休；短促尖叫；(牙齿)打战 | |
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8
clarion
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| n.尖音小号声；尖音小号 | |
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impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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yearned
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| 渴望，切盼，向往( yearn的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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intoxicating
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| a. 醉人的,使人兴奋的 | |
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12
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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devour
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| v.吞没；贪婪地注视或谛听，贪读；使着迷 | |
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15
shrill
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| adj.尖声的；刺耳的；v尖叫 | |
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blithely
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| adv.欢乐地，快活地，无挂虑地 | |
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triumphantly
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| ad.得意洋洋地；得胜地；成功地 | |
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prophesied
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| v.预告，预言( prophesy的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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19
alleviation
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| n. 减轻，缓和，解痛物 | |
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defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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21
passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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22
reprobate
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| n.无赖汉；堕落的人 | |
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iniquities
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| n.邪恶( iniquity的名词复数 )；极不公正 | |
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accomplishment
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| n.完成，成就，（pl.）造诣，技能 | |
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vessel
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| n.船舶；容器，器皿；管，导管，血管 | |
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laden
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| adj.装满了的；充满了的；负了重担的；苦恼的 | |
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fatality
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| n.不幸，灾祸，天命 | |
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herded
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| 群集，纠结( herd的过去式和过去分词 )； 放牧； （使）向…移动 | |
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insignificance
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| n.不重要；无价值；无意义 | |
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30
deity
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| n.神，神性；被奉若神明的人(或物) | |
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31
marvels
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| n.奇迹( marvel的名词复数 )；令人惊奇的事物（或事例）；不平凡的成果；成就v.惊奇，对…感到惊奇( marvel的第三人称单数 ) | |
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32
perilous
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| adj.危险的，冒险的 | |
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rapture
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| n.狂喜；全神贯注；着迷；v.使狂喜 | |
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stuffy
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| adj.不透气的，闷热的 | |
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intoxication
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| n.wild excitement;drunkenness；poisoning | |
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swell
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| vi.膨胀，肿胀；增长，增强 | |
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barbarians
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| n.野蛮人( barbarian的名词复数 )；外国人；粗野的人；无教养的人 | |
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38
quiescent
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| adj.静止的，不活动的，寂静的 | |
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luxuriously
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| adv.奢侈地，豪华地 | |
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40
ashore
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| adv.在(向)岸上，上岸 | |
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41
frail
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| adj.身体虚弱的；易损坏的 | |
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42
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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43
subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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frantically
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| ad.发狂地, 发疯地 | |
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45
wharf
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| n.码头，停泊处 | |
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46
enchanted
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| adj. 被施魔法的，陶醉的，入迷的 动词enchant的过去式和过去分词 | |
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47
gallant
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| adj.英勇的，豪侠的；(向女人)献殷勤的 | |
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48
sobbed
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| 哭泣，啜泣( sob的过去式和过去分词 )； 哭诉，呜咽地说 | |
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49
receding
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| v.逐渐远离( recede的现在分词 )；向后倾斜；自原处后退或避开别人的注视；尤指问题 | |
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50
sullen
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| adj.愠怒的，闷闷不乐的，(天气等)阴沉的 | |
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51
deafening
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| adj. 振耳欲聋的, 极喧闹的 动词deafen的现在分词形式 | |
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52
soothing
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| adj.慰藉的；使人宽心的；镇静的 | |
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