It is just when one of the star attractions is being given. A skilled athlete is vaulting8 over very great obstacles. He leaps over ten men in a row, five horses, a little garden. His faultless dress-suit shows scarcely a wrinkle after this feat9. This too must be counted among the advances made by modern art. In my boyhood days athletes still wore a gay uniform and “worked” in costume. To-day every juggler10 and prestidigitator is a pattern of a drawing-room gentleman. Some may be making a virtue11 of necessity and gladly escape the exhibiting of [Pg 39]their none too handsome bodies.
These reflections are suddenly interrupted by a blare of noisy music. Everybody is excited, for this seems to indicate that the athlete’s most wonderful trick is coming. True; something out of the ordinary is happening. Through a wide gate an old-fashioned comfortable, drawn12 by a weary nag5, is brought into the arena13 and our valiant14 athlete leaps over horse and rider amidst the thunderous applause of the enthusiastic youngsters and of those of their elders who have remained children in spirit.
The easy-going driver turns his vehicle towards the exit. Again the portals open wide. Bands of bright daylight pour into the half-darkened amphitheatre. In the glare one catches sight, for a moment, of a little section of the life that swarms15 round about the fringe of the Circus. There is the soda-water vendor16 with his gay-coloured cart, a labourer, a few servant girls, and some twenty little children staring with big eyes eagerly into the darkness of the arena in the hope of catching17 a glimpse of all this magnificence.
I shall never forget the sight. Those children’s eyes, opened so tremendously wide, longing18 to catch a bit of happiness! How they envy the fortunate ones sitting in here and beholding real fairy-tale wonders!
I lapse19 into a day-dream again. I too am one of those little ones standing20 out there; I count the richly-caparisoned horses that are being led [Pg 40]in; for the twentieth time I read the large placard announcing an “élite performance”; I am so happy as the beautiful equestrienne passes right by me; the muffled21 sounds of the music penetrate22 to my ears; I hear the animated23 applause and the bravos. One thought possesses me: I must get in! Cost what it may, I must go in!
Oh, I could have committed a theft to enable myself to get in there and share in the applause! And I thought to myself, if I am ever a rich man I shall go to the Circus every day. How excitedly I go home then, talking about all the wonderful things I have seen, and how in my dreams all my wishes are realized—all these things take on a tangible24 shape before my mind’s eye.
I note that it was the most beautiful period of my life, the time when I used to stand outside. In those days I still had a sense of the wonderful. There was a touch of secret magic about everything. Even dead things had a message for me. Before me was an endless wealth of possibilities; and there stretched before me kingdoms of the future over which my childish wishes flew like migratory25 birds.
Verily—happiness is only anticipating possibilities, denying impossibilities. Life is filled up with dreams of the future. What we know seems trivial when measured by the knowledge we would like to acquire. Possession kills desire; realization26 slays27 fantasy and transforms the wonderful into the commonplace.
[Pg 41]
All the beauty of this world lies only in the fantasies which reality can never approximate. The marvels28 of the present are seen only by those who stand outside.
Every time that one of the portals that had been locked from our youthful eyes opened, every time longing became fulfilment, we became one pleasure poorer and one disappointment richer. Only with the aid of the stilts29 supplied us by philosophy can we rise above the depressing disillusionment of experience. Or, in playing our part in the great drama of life, we cling to the one role we have studied and keep on repeating it to ourselves until we, too, almost believe it. Then we succeed again in seizing a fringe of the magnificent purple mantle30 with which we aspired31 to adorn32 our life.
Those outside see everything on a much larger scale, finer, and grander. That is why we envy others their possessions, their realities, their calling. Because we project the inevitable33 disappointments of life upon the thing that is readiest at hand—and that is unquestionably our vocation34. Our wishes circle around others’ possibilities.
Involuntarily an experience from my youth occurs to me. I had for the first time in my life made the acquaintance of a poet. He was a well-known lyrist of that day and his delightful35 verses had charmed me for years. He did not in any way come up to the ideal that I had conceived of what a poet ought to be. The edges of his eyelids36 were red, his face was commonplace, [Pg 42]and he had a large paunch. The manner in which he drank his coffee disgusted me. A little coffee dripped down on his dirty grey beard and with the movements of his big upper jaw37 some cake crumbs38 danced up and down on his moustache.
And that was the poet who wrote those passionate39 little lyrics40! Overcoming my disappointment, I entered into conversation with him and let him perceive something of my admiration41. He was to be envied for possessing the gift of transforming his moods and experiences into works of art!
To my astonishment42 the poet began to describe with palpable resentment43 the shortcomings of his calling. If he had only become an honest craftsman44 ere he had devoted45 himself to writing! He was sick of the hard struggle. To be ever at loggerheads with the public, the critics, the publishers, and editors—those were the compensations of his calling. He envied me for being a physician. That’s a great, a noble, an ideal calling. A physician can do something for humanity! If he were not too old he would at once take up the study of medicine. To mitigate46 the pains of an invalid47 is worth more than writing a hundred good lyrics!
In those days I was not a little proud of the profession I had chosen. The poet was only saying openly what I thought in secret. “The physician is mankind’s minister.” How often later on have I heard these and similar words [Pg 43]which were calculated to add fuel to the flame of idealism.
Ye gods! In real life how sad is the physician’s lot! Those outside cannot conceive it. The first thing to realize is the rarity of the instances in which the physician really snatches the victim from the clutches of Death; how rarely he eliminates suffering; how frequently, discouraged and bewildered, he fails to halt the ravages48 of disease. How his idealism makes him suffer! He is painfully aware that the craftsman comes nearer to his ideals than the artist. He becomes familiar with man’s limitless ingratitude49 and realizes that unless he is to go into bankruptcy50 he must adopt the “practical” methods of the business man. He is the slave of his patients, has no holidays, not a free minute in which he is not reminded of his dependance. He sees former colleagues and friends who have accumulated fortunes in business or in the practice of the law, whereas he has to worry about his future and, with but few exceptions, live from hand to mouth. But he must continue to play the role of the “idealistic benefactor” unless he is to lose the esteem51 of those who—stand outside.
Not long ago I read a fascinating description of a “sanatorium.” How within its walls fear blanches52 the cheeks of the inmates53, how Death lurks54 behind the doors, how even the physicians avoid speaking above a whisper and glide55 with solemn and noiseless steps through the house of [Pg 44]pain! Very pretty and sentimental56; but utterly57 false,—as false as the observations of a littérateur who stands outside can make it. From within the thing looks quite different! While the surgeon is scrubbing and sterilising his hands someone is telling the latest joke, the assistants converse58 lightly and merrily, not at all as if a matter of life and death were going to be decided59 in a few minutes. And it is well for the patient that it is so. The surgeon and the assistants need their poise60; they must not be moved by timidity, fear, or sympathy—emotions which cloud the judgment61. Where one needs all one’s senses, there the heart must be silent. The public feels this instinctively62. I have found that those physicians who practised their profession in a plain matter of fact way, as a business, were the most popular and the busiest. And, on the other hand, I know learned physicians who are all soul, whom everybody praises, esteems63, heeds64, but whom no one calls. The more highly the physician values his services, from a material point of view, the more highly he is regarded as an idealist, and vice65 versa.
That is how the idealism of the medical profession looks in real life. For many physicians their ideals are superfluous66 ballast. It often takes years before they find the golden mean between theory and practice, between ethics67 and hard facts.
And how is it with other vocations68? In [Pg 45]every case in which it is possible to look behind the curtains it will appear that the envious69 natures of those who stand outside magnify the advantages and overlook the unpleasant aspects.
All life is a continual game between hope and fulfilment, between expectation and disappointment. And therein lies our good fortune—that we can still be deceived. Were we in possession of all truth and all knowledge, life would lose its value and its charm. Only because, in a certain sense, we all stand outside, because the fullness of life and “the thing itself” will continue to be a riddle70, are we capable of continuing on our journey and approaching erectly71 the valley of death in which the shades dwell.
“Father, the show is over!” A child’s sweet voice wakes me from my revery. Outside I again look at the children still standing there and staring with large, hungry eyes into the Circus....
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1
grotesque
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| adj.怪诞的，丑陋的；n.怪诞的图案，怪人（物） | |
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2
kindle
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| v.点燃，着火 | |
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3
banishing
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| v.放逐，驱逐( banish的现在分词 ) | |
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4
peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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5
nag
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| v.(对…)不停地唠叨；n.爱唠叨的人 | |
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6
pervades
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| v.遍及，弥漫( pervade的第三人称单数 ) | |
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7
beholding
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| v.看，注视( behold的现在分词 )；瞧；看呀；（叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现）哎哟 | |
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8
vaulting
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| n.（天花板或屋顶的）拱形结构 | |
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9
feat
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| n.功绩；武艺，技艺；adj.灵巧的，漂亮的，合适的 | |
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10
juggler
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| n. 变戏法者, 行骗者 | |
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11
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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12
drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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13
arena
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| n.竞技场，运动场所；竞争场所，舞台 | |
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14
valiant
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| adj.勇敢的，英勇的；n.勇士，勇敢的人 | |
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15
swarms
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| 蜂群，一大群( swarm的名词复数 ) | |
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16
vendor
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| n.卖主；小贩 | |
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17
catching
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| adj.易传染的，有魅力的，迷人的，接住 | |
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18
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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19
lapse
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| n.过失，流逝，失效，抛弃信仰，间隔；vi.堕落，停止，失效，流逝；vt.使失效 | |
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20
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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21
muffled
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| adj.（声音）被隔的；听不太清的；（衣服）裹严的；蒙住的v.压抑，捂住( muffle的过去式和过去分词 )；用厚厚的衣帽包着（自己） | |
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22
penetrate
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| v.透(渗)入；刺入，刺穿；洞察，了解 | |
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23
animated
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| adj.生气勃勃的，活跃的，愉快的 | |
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24
tangible
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| adj.有形的，可触摸的，确凿的，实际的 | |
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25
migratory
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| n.候鸟，迁移 | |
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26
realization
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| n.实现；认识到，深刻了解 | |
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27
slays
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| 杀死，宰杀，杀戮( slay的第三人称单数 ) | |
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28
marvels
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| n.奇迹( marvel的名词复数 )；令人惊奇的事物（或事例）；不平凡的成果；成就v.惊奇，对…感到惊奇( marvel的第三人称单数 ) | |
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29
stilts
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| n.（支撑建筑物高出地面或水面的）桩子，支柱( stilt的名词复数 )；高跷 | |
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30
mantle
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| n.斗篷，覆罩之物，罩子；v.罩住，覆盖，脸红 | |
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31
aspired
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| v.渴望，追求( aspire的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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32
adorn
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| vt.使美化，装饰 | |
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33
inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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34
vocation
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| n.职业，行业 | |
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35
delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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36
eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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37
jaw
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| n.颚，颌，说教，流言蜚语；v.喋喋不休，教训 | |
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38
crumbs
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| int. (表示惊讶)哎呀 n. 碎屑 名词crumb的复数形式 | |
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39
passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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40
lyrics
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| n.歌词 | |
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41
admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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42
astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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43
resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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44
craftsman
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| n.技工，精于一门工艺的匠人 | |
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45
devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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46
mitigate
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| vt.（使）减轻，（使）缓和 | |
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47
invalid
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| n.病人，伤残人；adj.有病的，伤残的；无效的 | |
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48
ravages
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| 劫掠后的残迹，破坏的结果，毁坏后的残迹 | |
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49
ingratitude
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| n.忘恩负义 | |
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50
bankruptcy
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| n.破产；无偿付能力 | |
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51
esteem
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| n.尊敬，尊重；vt.尊重，敬重；把…看作 | |
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52
blanches
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| v.使变白( blanch的第三人称单数 )；使（植物）不见阳光而变白；酸洗（金属）使有光泽；用沸水烫（杏仁等）以便去皮 | |
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53
inmates
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| n.囚犯( inmate的名词复数 ) | |
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54
lurks
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| n.潜在，潜伏；（lurk的复数形式）vi.潜伏，埋伏（lurk的第三人称单数形式） | |
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55
glide
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| n./v.溜，滑行；(时间)消逝 | |
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56
sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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57
utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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58
converse
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| vi.谈话，谈天，闲聊；adv.相反的，相反 | |
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59
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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60
poise
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| vt./vi. 平衡，保持平衡；n.泰然自若，自信 | |
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61
judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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62
instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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63
esteems
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| n.尊敬，好评( esteem的名词复数 )v.尊敬( esteem的第三人称单数 )；敬重；认为；以为 | |
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64
heeds
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| n.留心，注意，听从( heed的名词复数 )v.听某人的劝告，听从( heed的第三人称单数 ) | |
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65
vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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66
superfluous
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| adj.过多的，过剩的，多余的 | |
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67
ethics
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| n.伦理学；伦理观，道德标准 | |
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68
vocations
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| n.（认为特别适合自己的）职业( vocation的名词复数 )；使命；神召；（认为某种工作或生活方式特别适合自己的）信心 | |
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69
envious
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| adj.嫉妒的，羡慕的 | |
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70
riddle
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| n.谜，谜语，粗筛；vt.解谜，给…出谜，筛，检查，鉴定，非难，充满于；vi.出谜 | |
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71
erectly
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| adv.直立地，垂直地 | |
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