Our childhood wishes determine our destiny. They die only with our bodies. They go whirling through our dreams, are the masters of our unconscious emotions, and determine the resonance7 of the most delicate oscillations of our souls. It certainly seems worth while taking a closer look at these wishes. Unfortunately we are deprived of the best source of such knowledge: the observation of ourselves. For we forget so easily, and our earliest desires [Pg 47]lie far behind us, hidden in thick mist. Only the dream pierces the thick veil and brings us greetings from a long forgotten era.
From the study of our children we can learn of only one kind of desire. A desire that can be easily observed, that the child betrays most easily in the games it plays.
“And what are you going to be?” That is the question one most often puts to children and which they very seldom allow to go unanswered.
Right here we must draw a distinction between boys and girls. The girl’s first wish almost invariably betrays the influence of the sexual instinct. All little girls want to be “mothers”; some would be content with being “nurses.” The phylogenetic law of the biologist applies also to desires. The desires of individual human beings reproduce the evolution of mankind in this regard. Just as, according to recent researches (Ament), the first speech attempts of children depict10 the primitive11 speech of man, so the first wishes of human beings depict the primitive wishes of humanity. Children’s wishes may therefore be said to be the childhood wishes of humanity and to manifest unmistakeably the primitive instincts of the sexes.
The little girls want to become “mothers.” They play with dolls, rocking, fondling, and petting them as if they were children. In this way they betray their most elemental qualification. My little daughter once said: [Pg 48]“Mother! I want to be a mother, too, some day and have babies.” “I would be so unhappy if I could not have any babies!” Being asked whether she would not like to be a doctor, she replied: “Yes! I would love to be a doctor[1]! But only like mamma.” That is, only the wife of a doctor.
[1] To understand what follows, the English reader should know that the German word for a female physician (“Doktorin”) is also the title whereby a physician’s wife is addressed.
In marked contrast with this is the fact that boys never wish to be fathers. That is: their fathers are often enough their ideals and they would like to be like them, to follow the same profession or vocation12. But it’s only a matter of vocation, not of family. I have never yet heard a boy express a wish for children. There is no doubt however, that there are boys who like to play with dolls and whose whole being has something of the feminine about it. They have feminine instincts. They love to cook and prefer to play with little girls. In the same way one also encounters girls who are described as “tomboys.” These girls are wild, unruly, disobedient, boisterous13, and like to play at soldiers and robbers. One cannot go wrong in concluding that a strong, perhaps even an excessive homosexual element enters into their psychic14 make-up. At any rate the biographies of homosexuals invariably make mention of these remarkable15 infantile traits. They are boys with female souls and girls with a masculine soul. Such boys may even manifest [Pg 49]various disguised indications of the instinct for race preservation16.
The first stage of girlish wishes does not last long. Usually the process of repression17 begins rather early. The little girls notice that their desires are a source of mirth to their elders, and that their remarks evoke18 a kind of amused though embarrassed smirking19 in the people about them. So they begin to conceal20 and to repress the nature of their desires and to disclose only what is perfectly21 innocent. And they tell us they want to become “maids of all work,” housewives. That does not sound as bad as wanting to be “mother.” One can be a housewife without having children. As such they go marketing22, manage the home, cook, order the servants about, etc. Then they are attracted by the splendours of being a cook. A cook is the goddess of sweets and delicacies23 and can cook anything she likes. On the same egoistic principle they then want to be store-keepers, proprietresses of candy stores, pastry24 shops, and ice cream parlours. As such they would have at their sole disposal all the sweets and delicious things a child’s palate craves25 for. To possess a store in which one can sell these wonderful delicatessens and weigh them out to customers is one of the most ardent26 wishes of little girls.
Of course as soon as they go to school a new ideal begins to take possession of the childish soul. Up there in her tribunal sits the teacher, omniscient27 and omnipotent28, invested with such [Pg 50]authority that the parental30 authority pales into insignificance31 in comparison with it. Parental authority extends only to their children. But the teacher’s! She has command over so many children! With sovereign munificence32 she distributes her gracious favours. She designates one child to act as “monitor” (oh, what exalted33 pre-eminence!); another may carry her books home; the third is permitted to restore the stuffed owl8 into the teacher’s cabinet, or to clean the blackboard; the fourth has the rare privilege of being sent out to purchase the teacher’s ham sandwich! And then there are the various punishments the teacher can inflict34 upon the children entrusted35 to her. Oh, it’s just grand to be a teacher!
But, above all, the desire is to rule over many. Have I omitted to mention the “princess”? Incredible! Only few children are so naive36 as to betray this wish. But all would love to become “queens,”—ay, with all their hearts. The fairy tales are full of them. How the proud prince came and helped the poor girl mount his steed, saying: “Now you’ll sit by me and be my Queen!” Innumerable Cinderellas in the north and in the south, in the east and in the west, sit at their compulsory37 tasks and dream of the prince who is to free them.
All have one secret dread38: To be lost in the vast multitude. They want to accomplish something, want to stand out over the others. Vanity causes more suffering than ambition. [Pg 51]Soon, too soon, they learn that, these sober days princes do not go roaming about promiscuously39 as in the golden days of fairydom. But hope finds a way and soars on the wings of fantasy into the realm of the possible and yet wonderful. Are there not queens in the world of arts? Do they not rule like real queens their willingly humble40 subjects? Haven’t they everything that a queen has: Gold, fame, honour, recognition, admiration41, envy? Almost every girl goes through this stage. She wants to become a great artist. A prima donna such as the world has never yet known; a danseuse, who shall have the tumultuous applause of houses filled to the last seat; a celebrated42 actress whose finger-tips princes shall be permitted to kiss; a violinist whose bow shall sway the hearts of men more than the golden sceptre of a queen ever could.
This dream runs through the souls of all girls. It yearly furnishes the art dragon with thousands and thousands of victims. The happy parents believe it is the voice of talent crying imperatively43 to be heard. In reality it is only the beginning of a harassing44 struggle to get into the lime-light, a struggle that all women wage with in exhaustible patience as long as they live. And thus numberless amateur female dilettanti vainly contend for the laurel because they are so presumptuous45 as to try to transform a childish dream into a waking reality.
[Pg 52]
It is even more interesting to make a survey of what girls just past puberty do not wish to become. Not one wants to marry. (Reasons can always be found.) Not one wants to be an ordinary merchant’s wife. And life then takes delight in bringing that to pass which seemingly they did not wish....
In boys the matter is more complicated. The sex-urge is not manifested so clearly in them as in girls. It requires great skill in the understanding of human conduct to discover in the games that boys play the symbolic46 connection with the natural impulses. It is remarkable that boys’ earliest ideals are employments that are in some way or other related to locomotion47. All little boys first want to be drivers, conductors, chauffeurs49, and the like. Motion seems to fascinate the boy and to give him more pleasure than anything else. A ride in a street car or a bus which seems to us elders so obviously wearisome is such a wonderful thing for a child. Just look at the solemn faces of the little boys as they sit astride the brave wooden steed in the carousal50! “Sonny, don’t you like it? Why aren’t you laughing?” exclaims the astonished mother.
A child is still at that stage of development when motion seems something wonderful. Is it possible that in this a secret (unconscious) sex-motive, such as is often felt by one when being rocked or swung in a swinging boat, does not play a part? Many adults admit this [Pg 53]well-known effect of riding. This is in all probability one of the most potent29 and most hidden roots of the passion for travelling. Freud very frankly51 asserts in his “Contributions to a sexual theory” that rhythmical52 motion gives rise to pleasurable sensations in children. “The jolting53 in a travelling wagon54 and subsequently in a railway train has such a fascination55 for older children that all children, at least all boys, sometimes in their life want to be conductors and drivers. They show a curious interest in everything connected with trains and make these the nucleus56 of an exquisite57 system of sexual symbolism.”
Be this as it may. The fact is that all the little ones want to become drivers of some vehicle, that they can play driver, rider, chauffeur48, car, train, etc., for hours at a time, that in the first years of their lives their fantasies are fixed58 only on objects possessing the power of motion, beginning with the baby-carriage and ending with the aeroplane.
This stage lasts a variable period in different children. In some cases up to puberty and some even beyond this. I know boys who have almost attained59 to manhood who are still inordinately60 interested in automobiles61 and railways. In these cases we are dealing62 with a fixation of an infantile wish which will exercise a decisive influence on the individual’s whole life. In most cases the first ideal loses its glamour63 before the magic of a uniform. The [Pg 54]first uniform that a child sees daily is that of the “letter-carrier.” In his favour, too, is the fact that he is always on the go, going from house to house. The “policeman” too, promenading64 up and down in his uniform, engages the child’s fantasy. So too the dashing “fireman.” Needless to say all these are very soon displaced and wholly forgotten in favour of the “soldier.”
The love to be a soldier has its origin in many sources. Almost all boys pass through a period when they want to be soldiers. The wish to be a soldier is a compromise for various suppressed wishes. A soldier has been known to become a general and even a king. That fact is narrated65 in fairy tales, chronicled in sagas66 and recorded in history. One can manifest one’s patriotism67. Then there is the beautiful coloured uniform that the girls so love—and one is always going somewhere. For one is never just an ordinary soldier but a bold, dashing trooper, and—this above all!—one has a big powerful sword. Under the influence of these childish desires children plead to go to the military schools and the parents give their consent in the belief that it is the children’s natural bent68 that speaks. Why, I tried to take this step when I was fifteen years old but—heaven be praised for it—was found physically69 unfit. My more fortunate friends who were accepted have for the most part subsequently discovered that they had erred70 in their youth.
The same thing happens with respect to the [Pg 55]other wishes of children, whether they become engineers, teachers, physicians, or ministers. The voice of the heart is deceptive71 and rarely betrays the individual’s true gift. The biographies of great men may now and then give indications of talent manifested in childhood. But the contrary is also easily to be found. Very often hidden desires are concealed72 or masked behind one’s choice of a calling. I know a man who became a physician because he longed to go far away, to go to the metropolis73. In youth he had to be driven to practice his music—and yet music was his great talent and he should have become a musician.
What our children want to become ... seldom denotes that they have a natural aptitude74 for a particular calling. They are to be regarded only as distorted symbols behind which the almost utterly75 insoluble puzzles of the childhood soul are concealed. When we are mature enough to know what we really want to become it is usually too late. Then we are children no longer. But then we would love to be children again and shed a furtive76 tear for the beautiful childhood that’s dead.... If we could be children again we’d know what we would like to be. No illusory wish would then tempt9 us from the right path, luring77 us like a will o’ the wisp into the morass78 of destruction.
And this wish too is fulfilled. We become children again if we live long enough. But then, alas79! our wishes have ceased to bloom. [Pg 56]Over the stubble-field of withered80 hopes we totter81 to our inevitable82 destiny. Everything seems futile83, for all paths lead to one goal. Then we know what children would like to become, what they must become.
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1
pious
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| adj.虔诚的；道貌岸然的 | |
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manifestations
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| n.表示，显示（manifestation的复数形式） | |
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awakens
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的第三人称单数 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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aspiring
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| adj.有志气的；有抱负的；高耸的v.渴望；追求 | |
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mantle
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| n.斗篷，覆罩之物，罩子；v.罩住，覆盖，脸红 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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resonance
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| n.洪亮；共鸣；共振 | |
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owl
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| n.猫头鹰，枭 | |
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tempt
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| vt.引诱，勾引，吸引，引起…的兴趣 | |
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depict
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| vt.描画，描绘；描写，描述 | |
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primitive
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| adj.原始的；简单的；n.原(始)人，原始事物 | |
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vocation
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| n.职业，行业 | |
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boisterous
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| adj.喧闹的，欢闹的 | |
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psychic
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| n.对超自然力敏感的人；adj.有超自然力的 | |
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remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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preservation
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| n.保护，维护，保存，保留，保持 | |
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repression
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| n.镇压，抑制，抑压 | |
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evoke
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| vt.唤起，引起，使人想起 | |
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smirking
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| v.傻笑( smirk的现在分词 ) | |
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conceal
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，隐蔽 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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marketing
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| n.行销，在市场的买卖，买东西 | |
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delicacies
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| n.棘手( delicacy的名词复数 )；精致；精美的食物；周到 | |
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pastry
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| n.油酥面团，酥皮糕点 | |
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craves
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| 渴望，热望( crave的第三人称单数 )； 恳求，请求 | |
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ardent
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，强烈的，烈性的 | |
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omniscient
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| adj.无所不知的；博识的 | |
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omnipotent
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| adj.全能的，万能的 | |
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potent
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| adj.强有力的，有权势的；有效力的 | |
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parental
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| adj.父母的；父的；母的 | |
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insignificance
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| n.不重要；无价值；无意义 | |
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munificence
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| n.宽宏大量，慷慨给与 | |
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exalted
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| adj.(地位等)高的，崇高的；尊贵的，高尚的 | |
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inflict
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| vt.(on)把…强加给，使遭受，使承担 | |
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entrusted
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| v.委托，托付( entrust的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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naive
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| adj.幼稚的，轻信的；天真的 | |
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compulsory
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| n.强制的，必修的；规定的，义务的 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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promiscuously
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| adv.杂乱地，混杂地 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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celebrated
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| adj.有名的，声誉卓著的 | |
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imperatively
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| adv.命令式地 | |
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harassing
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| v.侵扰，骚扰( harass的现在分词 )；不断攻击（敌人） | |
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presumptuous
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| adj.胆大妄为的，放肆的，冒昧的，冒失的 | |
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symbolic
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| adj.象征性的，符号的，象征主义的 | |
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locomotion
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| n.运动，移动 | |
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48
chauffeur
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| n.(受雇于私人或公司的)司机；v.为…开车 | |
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49
chauffeurs
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| n.受雇于人的汽车司机( chauffeur的名词复数 ) | |
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carousal
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| n.喧闹的酒会 | |
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frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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52
rhythmical
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| adj.有节奏的，有韵律的 | |
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jolting
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| adj.令人震惊的 | |
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wagon
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| n.四轮马车，手推车，面包车；无盖运货列车 | |
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fascination
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| n.令人着迷的事物，魅力，迷恋 | |
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nucleus
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| n.核，核心，原子核 | |
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exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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attained
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| （通常经过努力）实现( attain的过去式和过去分词 )； 达到； 获得； 达到（某年龄、水平、状况） | |
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inordinately
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| adv.无度地，非常地 | |
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automobiles
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| n.汽车( automobile的名词复数 ) | |
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dealing
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| n.经商方法，待人态度 | |
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glamour
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| n.魔力，魅力；vt.迷住 | |
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promenading
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| v.兜风( promenade的现在分词 ) | |
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narrated
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| v.故事( narrate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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sagas
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| n.萨迦（尤指古代挪威或冰岛讲述冒险经历和英雄业绩的长篇故事）( saga的名词复数 )；（讲述许多年间发生的事情的）长篇故事；一连串的事件（或经历）；一连串经历的讲述（或记述） | |
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patriotism
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| n.爱国精神，爱国心，爱国主义 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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physically
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| adj.物质上，体格上，身体上，按自然规律 | |
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erred
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| 犯错误，做错事( err的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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deceptive
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| adj.骗人的，造成假象的，靠不住的 | |
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concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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73
metropolis
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| n.首府；大城市 | |
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aptitude
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| n.(学习方面的)才能，资质，天资 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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furtive
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| adj.鬼鬼崇崇的，偷偷摸摸的 | |
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luring
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| 吸引，引诱（lure的现在分词形式） | |
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morass
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| n.沼泽，困境 | |
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alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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80
withered
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| adj. 枯萎的，干瘪的，（人身体的部分器官）因病萎缩的或未发育良好的 动词wither的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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totter
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| v.蹒跚， 摇摇欲坠；n.蹒跚的步子 | |
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inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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futile
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| adj.无效的，无用的，无希望的 | |
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