We approach this chapter with a degree of reluctance, because of the varying opinions entertained by many good people, and because of the false notions which have crept into the conception of its responsibilities, its duties, its privileges, its rights, and its wrongs.
When the marital state is entered in the spirit of Him who ordained11 it, no sanctuary12 is more sacred; when entered in the misconception of many men and women of modern times, no relation is more of the abode of darkness and sin.
Rightly interpreted, and its privileges not abused, its influence upon the individual and united lives, is second to none for the development of strong noble character. Wrongly interpreted, and its liberties used as a license13 for unbridled desire, while the great object for which the relation was instituted is not only not recognized, but by every means avoided and abused, it becomes a snare14 and degradation15 to the nobler instincts and aspirations16, and lets in a legion of evil spirits which lead farther and farther away from truth and righteousness.
When the marriage state is entered with the fixed17 determination to avoid parenthood, while giving rein18 to lust10, can we wonder at the looseness of character developed and the deadening of conscience to all sin? And what have been the causes which have led up to this state of things? False notions of life, low ideas of happiness, lack of individuality and self-assertion where principle is concerned, leaving God out of the question[81] of marriage, and vain, untaught mothers—these are the influences which have caused this state of things.
A late writer of a magazine article has said “If the recording19 angel is still keeping account of human things, there are crimes going on record constantly against women, and among the blackest of these are the millions of sins chalked down against mothers who are guilty of teaching this degrading error to their daughters, that the gewgaws of fashion, the luxury of a city home, is the price for their daughter’s body, soul, honor, health and happiness. Alas20! the only happiness these modern girls, raised for the matrimonial market, know, is found in the few years of innocence21 while they are still in the nursery. And the remedy for this evil, is there none? There is none in law or virtue22, for those who have sold their womanhood for a mess of pottage. But the young may be spared. Teach your daughters, mothers, that happiness and health for themselves, and strong bodies for their offspring, are what should be dearest to a woman; that they are more to be valued than all the riches of Golconda; that marriage should be guided by nature, not commercialism. And, young women, be true to yourselves. Seek happiness[82] and joy where they may be found. Be true to yourself, and loyal to your own womanhood. Don’t believe that love is old-fashioned or obsolete23. It is eternal. It is nature’s finger pointing the way to marriage that will always be happy.”
No life can be imagined more miserable24, when the first glamour25 is worn off, no matter how much of wealth and position and social standing26 is thrown in, than a loveless marriage. Every responsibility becomes a hard fact, every duty an unrequited labor27, every privilege, at least to one of the contracting parties, an unwelcome and nauseous gratification, life itself a burden.
How different when love smooths the way, and finds excuse for every trifling28 inconsistency; when sorrows are shared, not doubled, when rights are respected, when home means wife, husband, children, happiness, with God over all.
But we will put aside all the sad pictures and think of marriage as it should be, and then measure its responsibilities. Hitherto you have, since your majority, in large measure sought your own pleasure; now you have the pleasure of another to seek; and you do it gladly. Not what is best for you alone, but what is best for you two united in making a home, in adding to the strength of both in the united life.
Much has been said, in these later days, derogatory to the clause in our older marriage ceremonies which promises obedience29. In true marriages there is no thought of obedience or disobedience. Each seeks willingly the opinions and wishes of the other, and, so far as possible and best, follows them; but there must be no arbitrary wilfulness30 on the part of either, and each must acknowledge the individuality of the other and respect the differences of opinion. A ready yielding of trifling differences is a small price to pay for conjugal31 harmony, and every time it is done it adds loveliness to the one who yields.
In a late number of The Ladies’ Home Journal, Mrs. Burton Kingsland says, “A readiness to give up in little things is the most tactful appeal possible for a return of courtesy, at other times when the matter may be of importance to us. It is a high attainment33 in politeness to allow others to be mistaken. Let a trifling misstatement pass unnoticed where no principle is involved, and when a mistake is past remedy, it is best to let the subject drop. The argument of the ‘I told you so’ character is always quite superfluous34.”
In no relation of life is self-control so needed, in no relation can it be so subservient35 to our higher nature.
In the aggressive part of the human family,—aggressive in these relations,—there is great danger of allowing the lower nature to dominate the higher. Passion, when master, overrides36 all other considerations, and the selfishness, which is so dangerous a part of human nature, sees but one thing,—the accomplishment37 of desire. No thought of the possible results hinders him, and while nothing is hazarded on his part, everything on hers—even this for the moment is forgotten; and afterward38 he may well wonder how his better self was so lost to the tender sympathetic love and consideration in which he should always hold her.
Be guarded, O husband! It is woman’s nature to forgive, and when she loves, this impetuosity of passion uncontrolled, can be many times forgiven. Aye, even when too frequent maternity39 is thrust upon her; but there comes a time when love and forgiveness have reached their limit, and love struggles vainly to rise above disgust and loathing40, but it can never again attain32 to anything but tolerance41.
But the wife is not always guiltless, when[85] this sad state of things has resulted, in what should have been a happy married life. While the husband is the aggressive one, yet she may, by many little carelessnesses, and thoughtless acts, invite attentions which she afterward repels42. The womanly modesty which characterized her girlhood, should always be preserved and observed; and this innate44 dignity, this strongly asserted individuality, will tide them gloriously over many hard places.
The custom in many English homes of each having a room, which is peculiarly one’s own, may seem to our freedom-loving natures, a cold custom; but is not this better when a proper self-control seems difficult, than a freedom which degenerates45 into license? True, the door between these two rooms should seldom be shut, but the fact that there are two rooms relieves of many temptations, and prevents the familiarity, which even in married life, breeds contempt.
There is a wise Eastern proverb which fits very beautifully here. “To satisfy the appetite is not always good. This will the beasts do whenever they find provender46. Man alone can say to himself, thou shalt fast, because I have willed it. Appetite thus conquered, maketh man king over beasts; thus is he set apart from them, and so do his thoughts soar above the earth, even unto the region of the heavens.”
Every young person should be taught before marriage, that the closest conjugal relation should never be allowed without a willingness on the part of both that pregnancy47 should follow. Of course this does not always follow; but allowed with the fear, the dread48, the unwillingness50 that it may result, it becomes a positive sin. This may seem strong meat, which almost borders on fanaticism51, to some; but we are sure when it is considered in the light of the primal object of the marriage relation, it will not be thought fanatical. The very fact that conception may result at any time, proves that the conjugal relation was not instituted primarily for the gratification of the lower nature, but for procreation.
I trust I will not be misunderstood, in my statements upon this subject, for in writing upon so delicate a theme as this it is very difficult to make one’s self understood by all. If all will read carefully the statement I have just made, I think they will have no great difficulty in seeing the ground I take, and which I believe is held by all fair-minded people, namely: That while God ordained[87] the marriage relation primarily, for the purpose of the perpetuity of the human race, as his first command to the pair in Eden would indicate, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish52 the earth.” Yet this is to be taken with all that is comprehended in the terms, home, husband, and wife.
Therefore when I say, that every young person should be taught before marriage, that the closest conjugal relation should never be allowed, without a willingness on the part of both that pregnancy should follow, I mean simply what I hope I shall make clear throughout my book; that there shall be no pandering53 to sexual indulgence, while there is unwillingness to bear as many children, as a proper manly43 and womanly Christian54 temperance in these things will allow.
To fix an absolute rule of practice in these things, and consider it binding55 upon all, would be going out of my province, and the province of this book. In this, each pair must be judges for themselves: but there needs must be, behind all their thoughts upon this subject, right conceptions upon the holy relation they have entered into.
With the above rule fixed, no other limitations, or restrictions56 need be made. Everything will adjust itself to this rule, and harmony[88] and mutual57 respect will be engendered58.
Fix also the fact that the marriage relation is not one of license, but of liberty—liberty for both equally. Not liberty for one, and the grossest bondage59 for the other. Nowhere does the wife’s opinion deserve greater respect and tolerance than here. Nowhere should her negative be so willingly accepted.
There is a higher plane of loving and living than the sexual nature furnishes. This has, we doubt not, been proven to most married people during those weeks and months when continence has been necessary. Then why should this overmaster other and higher considerations?
That many marriages are little better than licensed60 prostitution, seems a hard thing to say; but when the lower nature is petted and indulged at the expense of the higher, it is a just thing to say, however harsh it may seem. In such cases the higher nature becomes more and more dwarfed61, the animal nature more and more dominant62. Let the husband learn the sweetness of conquest, in the love he bears his wife, in the tender consideration for her comfort and wishes.
There is a vast amount of vital force used in the production and expenditure63 of the[89] seminal64 fluid. Wasted as the incontinence of so many lives allows it to be, and prostituted to the simple gratification of fleshly desire, it weakens and depraves. Conserved65 as legitimate66 control demands it to be, it adds so much, and more to the mental and moral force of the man, because it lifts him to a higher plane of being, and gives to the mental and moral the vital force otherwise wasted.
Rightly conceived and lived, the marriage relation rounds out and completes character as nothing else can. It gives ample room for the cultivation67 of all the gifts and graces, it discourages selfishness, it mellows68 and softens69 and beautifies the individual, and gives a broader outlook on life. Wrongly conceived and lived, its results are the opposite. It narrows the life and takes all the sweetness out of it. And the products of loveless marriages, what of them? How can the children of such parents be other than disinherited from birth? Out of their lives has gone the sweetness and tender loveliness that comes of true mating, true living.
The world is full of dwarfed minds and bodies, dwarfed by their loveless and unwilling49 conception; paranoiacs, cranks, feeble-minded, idiotic70, epileptic, diseased children, for whom their parents are in great measure responsible. And this state of things will obtain just as long as marriage is made a marketable thing, and not the heart union of two lives.
I am well aware that many writers do not agree with me in these stronger sentiments, but studying the question in the light of creative purpose I feel certain the arguments in favor of unbridled license in these things cannot be justified71.
Further, there are times when by common consent there should be no amorous72 approaches made to the wife, and when none should be invited. Study the question as I will, I can see no law or reason which justifies73 the husband in approaching the wife for the purpose of sexual gratification, at any time during pregnancy. It cannot but be a drain upon the strength of the wife, and certainly can have no wholesome74 influence upon the unborn child, and assuredly not upon the love and respect which the wife feels for the husband.
I cannot forbear quoting an “illustrative case” entire, from Dr. Holbrook’s book entitled, Stirpiculture: “How great is the influence on unborn offspring of the mother’s mental condition, as well as the effect over[91] them of pleasant surroundings, is shown by the following case. A young girl attracted attention by her beauty and by the superiority of the type she exhibited over that of either of her parents, and on her mother being spoken to on the subject she remarked: ‘In my early married life my husband and I learned how to live in holy relations, after God’s ordinance75. My husband lovingly consented to let me live apart from him during the time I carried this little daughter under my heart, and also while I was nursing her. These were the happiest days of my life. Every day before my child was born, I could have hugged myself with delight at the prospect76 of becoming a mother. My husband and I were never so tenderly, so harmoniously77, or so happily related to each other, and I never loved him more deeply than during those blessed months. I was surrounded by all beautiful things, and one picture of a lovely face was especially in my thought. My daughter looks more like that picture than she does like either of us. From the time she was born she was like an exquisite78 rosebud—the flower of pure, sanctified, happy love. She never cried at night, was never fretful or nervous, but was all smiles and winning baby ways, filling our hearts and[92] home with perpetual gladness. To this day, and she is now fourteen years old, I have never had the slightest difficulty in bringing her up. She turns naturally to the right, and I never knew her to be cross or impatient or hard to manage. She has given me only comfort; and I realize from an experience of just the opposite nature that the reason of all this is because my little girl had her birthright.’”
The future experience of this lady was however of a very different nature. She added: “A few years later I was again about to become a mother, but with what different feelings! My husband had become contaminated with the popular idea that even more frequent relations were permissible79 during pregnancy. I was powerless against this wicked sophistry80, and was obliged to yield to his constant desires. But how I suffered and cried; how wretched I was; how nervous and almost despairing. Worst of all, I felt my love and trusting faith turning to dread and repulsion.
“My little boy, on whom my husband set high hopes, was born after nine of the most unhappy, distressing81 months of my life, a sickly, nervous, fretting82 child—myself in miniature—and after five years of life that[93] was predestined by all the circumstances to be just what it was, after giving us only anxiety and care, he died, leaving us sadder and wiser. I have demonstrated to my own abundant satisfaction that there is but one right, God-given way to beget83 and rear children, and I know that I am only one of many who can corroborate84 this testimony85.”
Again Dr. Holbrook says: “We have evidence among primitive86 people that they understand the necessity of limiting offspring, and practice it in a perfectly87 healthful way. The natives in Uganda, a region in Central Africa, offer an illustration: ‘The women rarely have more than two or three children; the practice being that when a woman has borne a child she is to live apart from her husband for two years, at which age children are weaned.’ Seaman88, speaking of the Fijians, says: ‘After childbirth, husband and wife keep apart three and even four years, so that no other baby may interfere89 with the time considered necessary for suckling children.’”
It occasionally happens that the wife during pregnancy is troubled with a passion far beyond what she has ever experienced at any other time. This in every instance is due to some unnatural90 condition, and should be considered[94] a disease, and for it the physician should be consulted.
The husband rightly rejoices in the name of protector of his wife, and how quick is he to resent any slight or fancied insult which may be offered her. Nowhere can he show more loyally his love and respect for her, than in the tender appreciation91 which he shows her in the control of her own person. Nay92, more than yielding simply to her wishes, he should be the leader in these things if necessary, and guide her into the stronger way.
The sedentary life of many men renders them a prey93 to the gratification of their lower natures. To all such men exercise becomes a religious duty, and should be practiced most persistently94 until their physical natures are well tired, and the sexual nature will not then dominate the finer and nobler instincts of their being.
I was pained by the remark of a cultured lady, when speaking of continence in the married life, a few days ago in my office. She said: “Does it not seem a strange thing, doctor, that among those who seem most careless in these things, are many ministers and other good men from whom we should expect higher and nobler living.” I[95] could but assent95 to this, for doctors, unfortunately for their comfort, listen to many confessions96 of sadness and unrighteousness in marital relations, and some of them come from sources which the world would little dream of.
The lady added: “I have an intimate friend, a few years younger than myself, who married a minister, and one who stands high in the denomination97 of which he is a member. They have had seven children, almost as fast as it is possible to have them, and the wife is a broken-down woman, spiritless and unhappy, a common drudge98 at an age when she should be full of life and joy, were things as they should be. One remark shows the feeling which this state of affairs has engendered. When I asked her why her husband allowed such a state of things to exist, she said, ‘He doesn’t care,’ and she said it with such a dispirited and utterly99 discouraged air that my heart ached for her.”
When will a brighter day dawn for woman and for man in these things? When our young people are trained to see these great questions in the light of God’s purposes and have strength of character sufficient to make them conquerors100 over the false opinions of the world, the temptations of the flesh, and the wiles101 of the devil.
Ignorance and misconception are at the bottom of all that is wrong in the marital relation. No loving husband would for a moment allow himself to yield to the demands of his lower nature did he consider and appreciate rightly all that it meant to his wife, his unborn children and to the generations to come.
There is such an incompatibility102 in the life of the man of high and noble instincts, of generous nature, and lofty aspirations, in so pandering to the lustful103, so making provisions for the flesh, and at such terrible cost to the one whom he should and does hold most dear!
Let us pray and work that a brighter day may dawn speedily, when the marital relation shall be freed from all that is gross and sensual, and shall be the synonym104 for purity, truth, and righteousness.
In the Greek, the word for man—and this is the generic105 term, comprehending woman—means a being with his face turned upward. When we are looking upward our lives will be all the time tending upward, and we shall draw our inspiration from Him who lives above and ever leads His children into paths of truth and purity.
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1
reluctance
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| n.厌恶，讨厌，勉强，不情愿 | |
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marital
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| adj.婚姻的，夫妻的 | |
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sanctuaries
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| n.避难所( sanctuary的名词复数 )；庇护；圣所；庇护所 | |
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abode
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| n.住处，住所 | |
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modesty
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| n.谦逊，虚心，端庄，稳重，羞怯，朴素 | |
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justification
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| n.正当的理由；辩解的理由 | |
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primal
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| adj.原始的；最重要的 | |
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gestation
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| n.怀孕；酝酿 | |
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illustrated
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| adj. 有插图的，列举的 动词illustrate的过去式和过去分词 | |
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lust
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| n.性(淫)欲；渴(欲)望；vi.对…有强烈的欲望 | |
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ordained
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| v.任命（某人）为牧师( ordain的过去式和过去分词 )；授予（某人）圣职；（上帝、法律等）命令；判定 | |
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sanctuary
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| n.圣所，圣堂，寺庙；禁猎区，保护区 | |
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license
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| n.执照，许可证，特许；v.许可，特许 | |
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snare
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| n.陷阱，诱惑，圈套；（去除息肉或者肿瘤的）勒除器；响弦，小军鼓；vt.以陷阱捕获，诱惑 | |
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degradation
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| n.降级；低落；退化；陵削；降解；衰变 | |
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aspirations
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| 强烈的愿望( aspiration的名词复数 )； 志向； 发送气音； 发 h 音 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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rein
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| n.疆绳，统治，支配；vt.以僵绳控制，统治 | |
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recording
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| n.录音，记录 | |
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alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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obsolete
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| adj.已废弃的，过时的 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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glamour
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| n.魔力，魅力；vt.迷住 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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labor
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| n.劳动，努力，工作，劳工；分娩；vi.劳动，努力，苦干；vt.详细分析；麻烦 | |
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trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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obedience
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| n.服从，顺从 | |
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wilfulness
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| 任性；倔强 | |
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conjugal
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| adj.婚姻的，婚姻性的 | |
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attain
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| vt.达到，获得，完成 | |
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attainment
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| n.达到，到达；［常pl.］成就，造诣 | |
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superfluous
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| adj.过多的，过剩的，多余的 | |
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subservient
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| adj.卑屈的，阿谀的 | |
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overrides
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| 越控( override的第三人称单数 )； （以权力）否决； 优先于； 比…更重要 | |
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accomplishment
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| n.完成，成就，（pl.）造诣，技能 | |
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afterward
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| adv.后来；以后 | |
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maternity
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| n.母性，母道，妇产科病房；adj.孕妇的，母性的 | |
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loathing
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| n.厌恶，憎恨v.憎恨，厌恶( loathe的现在分词)；极不喜欢 | |
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tolerance
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| n.宽容；容忍，忍受；耐药力；公差 | |
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repels
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| v.击退( repel的第三人称单数 )；使厌恶；排斥；推开 | |
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manly
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| adj.有男子气概的；adv.男子般地，果断地 | |
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innate
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| adj.天生的，固有的，天赋的 | |
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degenerates
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| 衰退，堕落，退化( degenerate的第三人称单数 ) | |
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provender
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| n.刍草；秣料 | |
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pregnancy
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| n.怀孕，怀孕期 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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unwilling
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| adj.不情愿的 | |
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unwillingness
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| n. 不愿意，不情愿 | |
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fanaticism
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| n.狂热，盲信 | |
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replenish
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| vt.补充；(把…)装满；(再)填满 | |
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pandering
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| v.迎合（他人的低级趣味或淫欲）( pander的现在分词 )；纵容某人；迁就某事物 | |
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Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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binding
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| 有约束力的，有效的，应遵守的 | |
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restrictions
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| 约束( restriction的名词复数 )； 管制； 制约因素； 带限制性的条件（或规则） | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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engendered
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| v.产生（某形势或状况），造成，引起( engender的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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bondage
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| n.奴役，束缚 | |
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licensed
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| adj.得到许可的v.许可，颁发执照(license的过去式和过去分词) | |
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dwarfed
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| vt.（使）显得矮小（dwarf的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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dominant
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| adj.支配的，统治的；占优势的；显性的；n.主因，要素，主要的人(或物)；显性基因 | |
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expenditure
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| n.(时间、劳力、金钱等)支出；使用，消耗 | |
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seminal
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| adj.影响深远的；种子的 | |
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conserved
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| v.保护，保藏，保存( conserve的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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legitimate
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| adj.合法的，合理的，合乎逻辑的；v.使合法 | |
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cultivation
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| n.耕作，培养，栽培（法），养成 | |
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mellows
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| （使）成熟( mellow的第三人称单数 )； 使色彩更加柔和，使酒更加醇香 | |
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softens
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| （使）变软( soften的第三人称单数 )； 缓解打击； 缓和； 安慰 | |
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idiotic
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| adj.白痴的 | |
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justified
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| a.正当的，有理的 | |
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amorous
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| adj.多情的；有关爱情的 | |
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justifies
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| 证明…有理( justify的第三人称单数 )； 为…辩护； 对…作出解释； 为…辩解（或辩护） | |
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wholesome
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| adj.适合；卫生的；有益健康的；显示身心健康的 | |
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ordinance
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| n.法令；条令；条例 | |
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prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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harmoniously
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| 和谐地，调和地 | |
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exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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permissible
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| adj.可允许的，许可的 | |
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sophistry
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| n.诡辩 | |
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distressing
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| a.使人痛苦的 | |
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fretting
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| n. 微振磨损 adj. 烦躁的, 焦虑的 | |
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beget
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| v.引起；产生 | |
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corroborate
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| v.支持，证实，确定 | |
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testimony
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| n.证词；见证，证明 | |
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primitive
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| adj.原始的；简单的；n.原(始)人，原始事物 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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seaman
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| n.海员，水手，水兵 | |
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interfere
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| v.(in)干涉，干预；(with)妨碍，打扰 | |
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unnatural
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| adj.不自然的；反常的 | |
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appreciation
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| n.评价；欣赏；感谢；领会，理解；价格上涨 | |
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nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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prey
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| n.被掠食者，牺牲者，掠食；v.捕食，掠夺，折磨 | |
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persistently
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| ad.坚持地；固执地 | |
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assent
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| v.批准，认可；n.批准，认可 | |
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confessions
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| n.承认( confession的名词复数 )；自首；声明；（向神父的）忏悔 | |
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denomination
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| n.命名，取名，(度量衡、货币等的)单位 | |
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drudge
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| n.劳碌的人；v.做苦工，操劳 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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conquerors
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| 征服者，占领者( conqueror的名词复数 ) | |
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101
wiles
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| n.（旨在欺骗或吸引人的）诡计，花招；欺骗，欺诈( wile的名词复数 ) | |
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102
incompatibility
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| n.不兼容 | |
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103
lustful
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| a.贪婪的；渴望的 | |
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104
synonym
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| n.同义词，换喻词 | |
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generic
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| adj.一般的，普通的，共有的 | |
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