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CHAPTER XXXVII
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She did her shopping in her unhurried, careful way, and went on to the outfitter who made John's corduroy trousers. Clothes that looked as if they were made of cardboard hung outside the shop; unyielding coats, waistcoats and trousers seemed to be glued against the door: stockings, suspended by their gaudy1 tops, flaunted2 stiff toes in the breeze, and piles of more manageable garments were massed on chairs inside, and Helen was aghast at the presence of so many semblances3 of man.

It was dark in the shop, and the smell of fustian4 absorbed the air. The owner, who wore an intricately-patterned tie, stood on the pavement and talked to a friend, while a youth, pale through living in obscurity, lured5 Helen in.

She gave her order: two pairs of corduroy trousers to be made for Mr. Caniper of Brent Farm, to the same measurements as before: she wished to see the stuff.

"If you'll take a seat, miss—"

She would rather stand outside the door, she said, and he agreed that the day was warm.

The narrow street was thronged6 with people who were neither of the town nor of the country, and suffered the disabilities of the hybrid7. There were few keen or beautiful faces, and if there were fine bodies they were hidden under clumsy clothes. Helen wanted to strip them all, and straighten them, and force them into health and comeliness8, and though she would not have her moor9 peopled by them, she wished they might all have moors10 of their own.

The young man was very slow. She could hear him struggling with bales of cloth and breathing heavily. It was much hotter here than on the moor, and she supposed that human beings could grow accustomed to any smell, but she stepped further towards the kerbstone and drew in what air the street could spare to her.

Quite unconscious of her fairness against the dingy11 background, she watched the moving people and heard the talk of the two men near her. They spoke12 of the hay crop, the price of bacon, the mismanagement of the gas company, and the words fell among the footsteps of the passers-by, and the noise of wheels, and became one dull confusion of sound to her; but all sounds fainted and most sights grew misty13 when she saw Zebedee walking on the other side of the street, looking down as he went, but bending an ear to the girl beside him.

Men and women flitted like shadows between him and Helen, but she saw plainly enough. Zebedee was interested: he nodded twice, looked at the girl and laughed, while she walked sideways in her eagerness. She was young and pretty: no one, Helen thought, had ever married her.

The noise of the street rushed on her again, and she heard the shopman say, "That's a case, I think. I've seen that couple about before. Time he was married, too."

Slowly Helen turned a head, which felt stiff and swollen14, to look at the person who could say so. She restrained a desire to hold it, and, stepping to the threshold of the shop, she called into the depths that she would soon return.

Without any attempt at secrecy15 she followed that pair absorbed in one another. She went because there was no choice, she was impelled16 by her necessity to know and unhindered by any scruples17, and when she had seen the two pass down the quiet road leading to his house, with his hand on her elbow and her face turned to his, Helen went back to the young man and the bales of cloth.

She chose the corduroy and left the shop, and it was not long before she found herself outside the town, but she could remember nothing of her passage. She came to a standstill where the moor road stretched before her, and there she suffered realization18 to fall on her with the weight of many waters. She cried out under the shock, and, turning, she ran without stopping until she came to Zebedee's door.

An astonished maid tried not to stare at this flushed and elegant lady.

"The doctor is engaged, miss," she said.

"I shall wait. Please tell him that I must see him."

"What name shall I say?"

"Miss Caniper. Miss Helen Caniper." She had no memory of any other.

She sat on one of the hard leather chairs and looked at a fern that died reluctantly in the middle of the table. Her eyes burned and would not be eased by tears, her heart leapt erratically19 in her breast, yet the one grievance20 of which she was exactly conscious was that Zebedee had a new servant and had not told her. If she had to have her tinker, surely Zebedee might have kept Eliza. She was invaded by a cruel feeling of his injustice21; but her thoughts grew vague as she sat there, and her dry lips parted and closed, as though they tried to frame words and could not. For what seemed a long, long time, she could hear the sound of voices through the wall: then the study door was opened, a girl laughed, Zebedee spoke; another door was opened, there were steps on the path and the gate clicked. She sat motionless, still staring at the fern, but when Zebedee entered she looked up at him and spoke.

"Zebedee," she said miserably22.

"Come into my room," he said.

The door was shut on them, and she dropped against it.

"Zebedee, I can't bear it."

"My little life!"

"I was so happy," she said piteously, "and, in the street, I saw you with that girl. You held her arm, and I had to come to you. I had, Zebedee."

"Had you, dear?" he said. He was pulling off her gloves, gently and quickly, holding each wrist in turn, and together they looked at the broad band of gold. Their eyes met in a pain beyond the reach of words.

She bowed her head, but not in shame.

"My hat, too," she said, and he found the pins and took it from her.

"Your ring is here," she said, and touched herself. Her lips trembled. "I can't go back."

"You need not, dearest one. Sit down. I must go and speak to Mary."

"She is better than Eliza," Helen said when he returned.

"Yes, better than Eliza." He spoke soothingly23. "Are you comfortable there? Tell me about it, dear." He folded his arms and leaned against his desk, and as he watched her he saw the look of strain pass from her face.

She smiled at him. "Your cheeks are twitching24."

"Are they?"

"They always do when you think hard."

"You are sitting where you sat when you first came here."

"And there were no cakes."

"Only buns."

"And they were stale."

"You said you liked them."

"I liked—everything—that day."

"I think," he said, jerking his chin upwards25, "we won't have any reminiscences."

"Why not?" she asked softly. She went to him and put her arms round his neck. "It's no good, Zebedee. I've tried. I really loved him—but it's you—I belong to you." He could hardly hear what she said. "Can you love me any longer? I've been—his. I've liked it. I was ready to do anything—like that—for him."

"Speak a little louder, dear."

"You see, one could forget. And I did think about children, Zebedee, I couldn't help it."

"Precious, of course you couldn't."

"But you were always mine. And when I saw you this afternoon, there was no one else. And no one else can have you. You don't love any one but me. How could you? She can't have you. I want you. And you're mine. Your hands—and eyes—and face—this cheek—You—you—I can't—I don't know what I'm saying. I can't go back! He'll—he put this ring on me today. I let him. I was glad—somehow. Glad!" She broke away from him and burst into a fit of weeping.

He knew the properties of her tears, and he had no hope of any gain but what could come to him by way of her renewed serenity26; he made shift to be content with that, and though the sound of her crying hurt him violently, he smiled at her insistence27 on possessing him. She had married another man, but she would not resign her rights to the one she had deserted28, though he, poor soul, must claim none. It was one of the inconsistencies he loved in her, and he was still smiling when she raised her head from the arm of the chair where she had laid it.

"I'm sorry, Zebedee. I'm better now. I'm—all right."

"Wipe your eyes, Best of all. We're going to have some tea. Can you look like some one with a—with a nervous breakdown29?"

"Quite easily. Isn't that just what I have had?"

Mary was defter30 than Eliza and apparently31 less curious, and while she came and went they talked, like the outfitter and his friend, about the crops; but when she had gone Zebedee moved the table to the side of Helen's chair, so that, as long ago, no part of her should be concealed32.

"Yes," he said, looking down, "but I like you better in your grey frocks."

"Do you? Do you? I'm glad," she said, but she did not tell him why. Her eyes were shining, and he found her no less beautiful for their reddened rims33. "You are the most wonderful person in the world," she said. "It was unkind of me to come, wasn't it?"

"No, dear. Nothing is unkind when you do it."

"But it was, Zebedee. Because I'm going back, after all."

"I knew you would."

"Did you? I must, you know."

"Yes," he said, "I know. Helen, that girl—Daniel's in love with her."

"Oh, poor Miriam! Another renegade! But I'm not jealous any more, so don't explain."

"But I want to tell you about her. He pursues and she wearies of him. I'm afraid he's a dreadful bore."

"But that's no reason why you should take her arm."

"Did I take it? I like her. I wish she would marry Daniel, but he is instructive in his love-making. He has no perceptions. I'm doing my best for him, but he won't take my advice. Yes, I like her, but I shall never love any one but you."

"Oh, no, you couldn't really. But see what I have had to do!" Her eyes were tired with crying. "And have to do," she added in a lower tone. "It makes one think anything might happen. One loses faith. But now, here with you, I could laugh at having doubted. Yes, I can laugh at that, and more. That's the best of crying. It makes one laugh afterwards and see clearly. I can be amused at my struggles now and see how small they were."

"But what of mine?" he asked.

"I meant yours, too. We are not separate. No. Even now that I—that I have a little love for George. He's rather like a baby, Zebedee. And he doesn't come between. Be sure of that; always, always!"

"Dearest, Loveliest, if you will stay with me—Well, I'm here when you need me, and you know that."

"Yes." She looked beyond him. "Coming here, this afternoon, I saw the way. I made it beautiful. And then I saw you, and the mists came down and I saw nothing else. But now I see everything by the light of you." There was a pause. "I've never loved you more," she said. "And I want to tell you something." She spoke on a rising note. "To me you are everything that is good and true—and kind and loving. There is no limit to your goodness. You never scold me, you don't complain, you still wait in case I need you. I ought not to allow you to do that, but some day, some day, perhaps I'll be as good as you are. I want you to remember that you have been perfect to me." She said the word again and lingered on it. "Perfect. If I have a son, I hope he'll be like you. I'll try to make him."

"Helen—"

"Wait a minute. I want to say some more. I'm not going back because I am afraid of breaking rules. I don't know anything about them, but I know about myself, and I'm going back because, for me, it's the only thing to do; and you see," she looked imploringly34 at him, "George needs me now more than he did before. He trusts to me."

"It is for you to choose, Beloved."

"Yes," she said. "There's nothing splendid about me. I'm just—tame. I wish I were different, Zebedee."

"Then you are the only one who wishes it."

She laughed a little and stood close to him.

"Bless me before I go, for now I have to learn it all again."

点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 gaudy QfmzN     
adj.华而不实的;俗丽的
参考例句:
  • She was tricked out in gaudy dress.她穿得华丽而俗气。
  • The gaudy butterfly is sure that the flowers owe thanks to him.浮华的蝴蝶却相信花是应该向它道谢的。
2 flaunted 4a5df867c114d2d1b2f6dda6745e2e2e     
v.炫耀,夸耀( flaunt的过去式和过去分词 );有什么能耐就施展出来
参考例句:
  • She flaunted the school rules by not wearing the proper uniform. 她不穿规定的校服,以示对校规的藐视。 来自互联网
  • Ember burning with reeds flaunted to the blue sky. 芦苇燃烧成灰烬,撒向蔚蓝的苍穹。 来自互联网
3 semblances e8cd14e31ad1ced34eef0dff25c9c15e     
n.外表,外观(semblance的复数形式)
参考例句:
4 fustian Zhnx2     
n.浮夸的;厚粗棉布
参考例句:
  • Fustian can't disguise the author's meager plot.浮夸的文章掩饰不住这个作者的贫乏情节。
  • His fustian shirt,sanguineflowered,trembles its Spanish tassels at his secrets.他身上穿的是件印有血红色大花的粗斜纹布衬衫,每当他吐露秘密时,西班牙式的流苏就颤悠。
5 lured 77df5632bf83c9c64fb09403ae21e649     
吸引,引诱(lure的过去式与过去分词形式)
参考例句:
  • The child was lured into a car but managed to escape. 那小孩被诱骗上了车,但又设法逃掉了。
  • Lured by the lust of gold,the pioneers pushed onward. 开拓者在黄金的诱惑下,继续奋力向前。
6 thronged bf76b78f908dbd232106a640231da5ed     
v.成群,挤满( throng的过去式和过去分词 )
参考例句:
  • Mourners thronged to the funeral. 吊唁者蜂拥着前来参加葬礼。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • The department store was thronged with people. 百货商店挤满了人。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
7 hybrid pcBzu     
n.(动,植)杂种,混合物
参考例句:
  • That is a hybrid perpetual rose.那是一株杂交的四季开花的蔷薇。
  • The hybrid was tall,handsome,and intelligent.那混血儿高大、英俊、又聪明。
8 comeliness comeliness     
n. 清秀, 美丽, 合宜
参考例句:
  • Your comeliness is law with Mr. Wildeve. 你的美貌,对于韦狄先生,就是律令。
  • Her comeliness overwhelmed him. 她的清秀美丽使他倾倒。
9 moor T6yzd     
n.荒野,沼泽;vt.(使)停泊;vi.停泊
参考例句:
  • I decided to moor near some tourist boats.我决定在一些观光船附近停泊。
  • There were hundreds of the old huts on the moor.沼地上有成百上千的古老的石屋。
10 moors 039ba260de08e875b2b8c34ec321052d     
v.停泊,系泊(船只)( moor的第三人称单数 )
参考例句:
  • the North York moors 北约克郡的漠泽
  • They're shooting grouse up on the moors. 他们在荒野射猎松鸡。 来自《简明英汉词典》
11 dingy iu8xq     
adj.昏暗的,肮脏的
参考例句:
  • It was a street of dingy houses huddled together. 这是一条挤满了破旧房子的街巷。
  • The dingy cottage was converted into a neat tasteful residence.那间脏黑的小屋已变成一个整洁雅致的住宅。
12 spoke XryyC     
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说
参考例句:
  • They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
  • The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。
13 misty l6mzx     
adj.雾蒙蒙的,有雾的
参考例句:
  • He crossed over to the window to see if it was still misty.他走到窗户那儿,看看是不是还有雾霭。
  • The misty scene had a dreamy quality about it.雾景给人以梦幻般的感觉。
14 swollen DrcwL     
adj.肿大的,水涨的;v.使变大,肿胀
参考例句:
  • Her legs had got swollen from standing up all day.因为整天站着,她的双腿已经肿了。
  • A mosquito had bitten her and her arm had swollen up.蚊子叮了她,她的手臂肿起来了。
15 secrecy NZbxH     
n.秘密,保密,隐蔽
参考例句:
  • All the researchers on the project are sworn to secrecy.该项目的所有研究人员都按要求起誓保守秘密。
  • Complete secrecy surrounded the meeting.会议在绝对机密的环境中进行。
16 impelled 8b9a928e37b947d87712c1a46c607ee7     
v.推动、推进或敦促某人做某事( impel的过去式和过去分词 )
参考例句:
  • He felt impelled to investigate further. 他觉得有必要作进一步调查。
  • I feel impelled to express grave doubts about the project. 我觉得不得不对这项计划深表怀疑。 来自《简明英汉词典》
17 scruples 14d2b6347f5953bad0a0c5eebf78068a     
n.良心上的不安( scruple的名词复数 );顾虑,顾忌v.感到于心不安,有顾忌( scruple的第三人称单数 )
参考例句:
  • I overcame my moral scruples. 我抛开了道德方面的顾虑。
  • I'm not ashamed of my scruples about your family. They were natural. 我并未因为对你家人的顾虑而感到羞耻。这种感觉是自然而然的。 来自疯狂英语突破英语语调
18 realization nTwxS     
n.实现;认识到,深刻了解
参考例句:
  • We shall gladly lend every effort in our power toward its realization.我们将乐意为它的实现而竭尽全力。
  • He came to the realization that he would never make a good teacher.他逐渐认识到自己永远不会成为好老师。
19 erratically 4fe0a2084ae371616a604c4e0b6beb73     
adv.不规律地,不定地
参考例句:
  • Police stopped him for driving erratically. 警察因其驾驶不循规则而把他拦下了。 来自辞典例句
  • Magnetitite-bearing plugs are found erratically from the base of the Critical Zone. 含磁铁岩的岩栓不规则地分布于关键带的基底以上。 来自辞典例句
20 grievance J6ayX     
n.怨愤,气恼,委屈
参考例句:
  • He will not easily forget his grievance.他不会轻易忘掉他的委屈。
  • He had been nursing a grievance against his boss for months.几个月来他对老板一直心怀不满。
21 injustice O45yL     
n.非正义,不公正,不公平,侵犯(别人的)权利
参考例句:
  • They complained of injustice in the way they had been treated.他们抱怨受到不公平的对待。
  • All his life he has been struggling against injustice.他一生都在与不公正现象作斗争。
22 miserably zDtxL     
adv.痛苦地;悲惨地;糟糕地;极度地
参考例句:
  • The little girl was wailing miserably. 那小女孩难过得号啕大哭。
  • It was drizzling, and miserably cold and damp. 外面下着毛毛细雨,天气又冷又湿,令人难受。 来自《简明英汉词典》
23 soothingly soothingly     
adv.抚慰地,安慰地;镇痛地
参考例句:
  • The mother talked soothingly to her child. 母亲对自己的孩子安慰地说。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • He continued to talk quietly and soothingly to the girl until her frightened grip on his arm was relaxed. 他继续柔声安慰那姑娘,她那因恐惧而紧抓住他的手终于放松了。 来自《简明英汉词典》
24 twitching 97f99ba519862a2bc691c280cee4d4cf     
n.颤搐
参考例句:
  • The child in a spasm kept twitching his arms and legs. 那个害痉挛的孩子四肢不断地抽搐。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
  • My eyelids keep twitching all the time. 我眼皮老是跳。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
25 upwards lj5wR     
adv.向上,在更高处...以上
参考例句:
  • The trend of prices is still upwards.物价的趋向是仍在上涨。
  • The smoke rose straight upwards.烟一直向上升。
26 serenity fEzzz     
n.宁静,沉着,晴朗
参考例句:
  • Her face,though sad,still evoked a feeling of serenity.她的脸色虽然悲伤,但仍使人感觉安详。
  • She escaped to the comparative serenity of the kitchen.她逃到相对安静的厨房里。
27 insistence A6qxB     
n.坚持;强调;坚决主张
参考例句:
  • They were united in their insistence that she should go to college.他们一致坚持她应上大学。
  • His insistence upon strict obedience is correct.他坚持绝对服从是对的。
28 deserted GukzoL     
adj.荒芜的,荒废的,无人的,被遗弃的
参考例句:
  • The deserted village was filled with a deathly silence.这个荒废的村庄死一般的寂静。
  • The enemy chieftain was opposed and deserted by his followers.敌人头目众叛亲离。
29 breakdown cS0yx     
n.垮,衰竭;损坏,故障,倒塌
参考例句:
  • She suffered a nervous breakdown.她患神经衰弱。
  • The plane had a breakdown in the air,but it was fortunately removed by the ace pilot.飞机在空中发生了故障,但幸运的是被王牌驾驶员排除了。
30 defter afbe7aaca9cda583976c07c7ef1ce5cc     
adj.熟练的,灵巧的( deft的比较级 )
参考例句:
31 apparently tMmyQ     
adv.显然地;表面上,似乎
参考例句:
  • An apparently blind alley leads suddenly into an open space.山穷水尽,豁然开朗。
  • He was apparently much surprised at the news.他对那个消息显然感到十分惊异。
32 concealed 0v3zxG     
a.隐藏的,隐蔽的
参考例句:
  • The paintings were concealed beneath a thick layer of plaster. 那些画被隐藏在厚厚的灰泥层下面。
  • I think he had a gun concealed about his person. 我认为他当时身上藏有一支枪。
33 rims e66f75a2103361e6e0762d187cf7c084     
n.(圆形物体的)边( rim的名词复数 );缘;轮辋;轮圈
参考例句:
  • As she spoke, the rims of her eyes reddened a little. 说时,眼圈微红。 来自汉英文学 - 围城
  • Her eyes were a little hollow, and reddish about the rims. 她的眼睛微微凹陷,眼眶有些发红。 来自辞典例句
34 imploringly imploringly     
adv. 恳求地, 哀求地
参考例句:
  • He moved his lips and looked at her imploringly. 他嘴唇动着,哀求地看着她。
  • He broke in imploringly. 他用恳求的口吻插了话。


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