But about a year and a half after Fay left me, a most unexpected thing happened.
Annabel came into the library one morning obviously bursting with news.
"Oh, Reggie, what do you think? I have just been to the Rectory to see Mr. Blathwayte about some parish matters, and he has told me a most exciting piece of news, and has asked me to come and tell you, because he is too busy to do so this morning, but he will come to tea this afternoon and consult you about it."
My heart began to beat furiously. Surely any exciting news that Arthur received must be in some way connected with Fay. I never wrote to her, nor she to me: I was too proud to do anything but submit to her decision on that point. I was also too proud to ask Arthur direct questions about her: but with a delicate tact5, for which beforehand I should never have given him credit, he gave me apparently6 casual information about her from time to time. I was as bitterly angry with her as ever; I was as far from forgiving her as ever: but I could not forget that she was my wife, and I still loved her as I loved my own soul.
"Well, what is it?" I asked, stifling7 the trembling of my voice as best I could.
"Guess," said Annabel. "It's really the most wonderful thing!"
I was amazed—as, indeed, I often was in those days—at my sister's unabated appetite for the trivial. After such an unprecedented8 cataclysm9 as Fay's departure, the day of small things had gone by as I thought for ever: and yet, though it had completely overturned my world, it had left Annabel pretty much as it found her. It is at times such as this that the unutterable loneliness of the human soul becomes almost overwhelming, and one realises that the heart knoweth its own bitterness, and a stranger—nay, not only a stranger, but also one's nearest and dearest—cannot intermeddle with its joy. True, there was no longer any joy in my heart for anybody to intermeddle with: but in its bitterness it stood utterly10 alone.
To me Fay, in spite of my anger against her, was still sacrosanct11. Though fallen from her original estate, she was yet, in my eyes, an angel. But to Annabel she was nothing but a naughty child that needed punishment; and my sister troubled herself about her no more than she would about a naughty child. Therefore I could not make trivial and absurd guesses about anything concerning Fay.
"I can't guess," I said rather shortly: "please tell me."
"Mr. Blathwayte has been offered the Deanery of Lowchester."
My heart sank down into my boots again. What were Deaneries or even Archbishoprics compared with Fay? Then I blamed myself for my selfishness, and tried to atone13 for it. "What a splendid thing for old Arthur!" I said: "I am awfully14 glad. Tell me all he said."
Whereupon Annabel proceeded to obey me more or less implicitly15, interspersing16 Arthur's quoted remarks with innumerable commentaries of her own.
"It will be a splendid thing for him," she said in conclusion, "as he is really a most able and gifted man, and such a capital organiser, and there is no proper scope for him in a small village like this. I've liked to have him here, but I have always felt he was a bit buried."
"Do you remember Mrs. Figshaw?" said I, "who kept saying that her daughter wanted a scoop17? I agree with you that Blathwayte is like Mrs. Figshaw's daughter: he wants a scoop badly."
"Scope, Reggie; not scoop," corrected Annabel. I should have been disappointed in her if she had not done so. At least I should have been disappointed a year ago: but even Annabel had ceased to amuse me now.
"We shall miss Blathwayte," I remarked: "at least you will."
"But why me particularly? Surely the Rector is more your friend than mine."
"I know that. But I have lost the power of missing any person save one. In my case all lesser19 griefs have been swallowed up in the one great one."
"Poor Reggie! But it's a pity to feel like that, and all the same I feel sure you'll miss Mr. Blathwayte more than you think you will when the time comes. And I shall miss him too, as he has always been so good in being guided by me, and has followed my advice in everything connected with the parish."
I doubted this, though I should have considered it most unfair to Arthur to say so: but there was a quiet obstinacy20 about him which might raise him at times even to the height of standing21 up against Annabel. Fortunately, however, she had never found it out and I should have been the last to enlighten her.
"Of course," she continued, "cathedrals and daily services and things like that are apt to lure22 men into ritualism: I only hope Mr. Blathwayte will have the strength of mind to resist them: and you must be very careful, Reggie, in selecting a new rector not to get any one with leanings that way. I could never allow anything ritualistic in our Church."
I wondered she didn't say "my Church," and have done with it: but I hadn't the heart to chaff23 her as I used to do in those happy bygone days, ages ago, before ever the Wildacres came to Restham: so I let it pass.
"I expect I shall put the matter into the Bishop12's hands," I said: "I don't feel competent to select a spiritual pastor24 for Restham or anywhere else."
"You selected Mr. Blathwayte, and he has been a great success. It is a pity to get into the habit of thinking you can't do anything, Reggie, because you really do some things extremely well."
"But not the things I care about," I added bitterly, "And in this case I haven't another Arthur up my sleeve."
"The Bishop may have one," suggested Annabel encouragingly.
"Probably. He certainly has more room up his sleeve than I have. I wonder if that was the origin of Bishops25 having such large sleeves—because they had always got something up them."
Annabel was as literal as ever. "I don't think so, Reggie; I really don't know the origin of Bishops having those full sleeves. I know when it was the fashion for ladies to have large sleeves they were called 'Bishops' sleeves' after the Bishops; but why the Bishops originally had them I haven't a notion. I must try to find out. It is so interesting and instructive to learn the reason and the origin of things like that. But Deans don't have large sleeves, do they?" she added, her wandering thoughts turning once more Arthurwards.
"No; but they have beautiful arrangements about the legs—aprons and breeches and gaiters, and goodness knows what! They are Bishops below the waist and men above it, like the Centaurs26, don't you know?"
"But the Centaurs were half horses—not half Bishops, Reggie."
"I know: but the principle is the same."
"And not big sleeves, you are sure?"
"Quite. Deans do not burn the candles at both ends, so to speak, as Bishops do: they are content to take care of the legs, and leave the arms to take care of themselves."
Annabel smiled the tolerant smile of elder-sisterhood. "How funny you are, Reggie! It is nice to hear you making jokes again."
And she went out of the room happy in the conviction that I was what she would have called, "getting over it."
Arthur came over to the Manor27 in the afternoon, and confirmed what Annabel had said. He had indeed been offered the Deanery of Lowchester: but had not yet decided28, as Annabel had, that he should accept it. I was amazed at his hesitancy, considering what a splendid offer it was for a man still comparatively young, and also—as Annabel had pointed18 out—what a grand scope it would give him for his hitherto wasted powers of organisation29: but slowly the reason for this hesitancy dawned upon me.
"To put it in plain English, old man," I said, after we had discussed the question in all its bearings, and light was beginning to penetrate30 the mists of my confusion, "the only reason you really have against accepting this offer is me."
Arthur blushed: a rare indulgence with him. "Well, I don't know that I should put it as bluntly as that, Reggie——" he began in his deliberate way.
I interrupted him. "But I should. It is always best to put things in the bluntest way possible, and to look at them as they really are. I learnt that from Fay. She taught me to have a horror of everything that she designated by the inclusive term 'flapdoodle.'"
I made a point of bringing my wife's name into a conversation now and again: it seemed somehow to narrow the gulf31 between us. Nobody, except Ponty, ever voluntarily mentioned Fay's name to me (and perhaps that was the reason why I still found a certain amount of comfort in Ponty's society, and why I allowed my old nurse to take such egregious32 liberties with me): so that unless I spoke33 sometimes of my lost darling, she would have been altogether put away out of remembrance.
In the same way I have always hated the custom which obtains amongst many people, of never speaking at all of those who have "crossed the flood," or else of speaking of them in an entirely34 unnatural35 tone of voice, and making use of such prefixes36 as "dear" or "poor." Such a custom, to my mind, gives the indirect lie to all Christian37 teaching as to the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come, and is only fit for those who sorrow without hope. I maintain that those whom we falsely call our dead should be spoken of as naturally and as frequently as those whom we—making a distinction without a difference—choose to call our living. It always irritates me when Annabel says "dear Papa" and "poor Mamma": she would never have dreamed of using either adjective in the days when our parents were still with us at Restham: and to do it now creates a sort of artificial atmosphere about them, which I, for one, resent.
"I dare say it is awfully vain and presumptuous38 on my part," Arthur continued, "to think that my coming or going would make much difference to you: but if I was any comfort to you at all, I should hate to take it away from you just when you have had and are having such a rough time."
I was touched by Arthur's unselfishness: and also remorseful39 at the realisation of what little difference his or anybody else's coming or going made to me now.
I put my hand on his arm, as we sat smoking by the library fire. "You mustn't get that notion into your head, old man: it would make me ever so much more miserable40 than I am at present if I felt I had in any way hindered your career. It is always bad policy to throw good money after bad; and I am bad money and you are good, as far as economic currency is concerned. Don't think me ungrateful for all you have done for me, because I am not."
"Rubbish!" growled41 Arthur. "I've done nothing for you at all."
"Yes, you have: you've been as true a friend to me as man ever had. You've done a lot for me during the beastly time I've gone through."
"Then let me stay on here, and go on doing a lot for you. I ask for nothing better."
Then I felt it was time to be brutal42 and to speak the unvarnished truth. "You've done all you can for me, old man: I hate to say it, but it's the truth. If you stayed on here, you won't do me any more good, and you'd have spoilt your career for nothing. You did help me at first, I admit, and I shall be always grateful for it. But to be perfectly43 candid44 with you—though I hate candour, mind you, and would never employ such a painful weapon unless I felt it to be absolutely necessary—neither you nor anybody else can help me now."
"Except Fay," suggested Arthur, hardly above a whisper, as if he were referring to some one who had been buried for years.
I shook my head. "I doubt if even she could help me now. Even if she came back—which she never will—things could never be the same between us as they used to be. I haven't forgiven her—I cannot forgive her—and I couldn't live with her and be at enmity with her at the same time. Life would be unendurable in such circumstances."
Arthur smoked in silence for some minutes: then he said: "Is that why you have never come to Holy Communion now?"
"Yes. I cannot say that I am in love and charity with my neighbours as long as I haven't forgiven Fay and Frank. But I haven't; and I don't feel as if I ever could; and I cannot take the Blessed Sacrament until I do. That is another thing I owe to Frank," I added bitterly; "he has cut me off from the means of grace as well as from the hope of glory. For the more I think of it the more I am convinced that it was entirely his doing that Fay left me."
Again Arthur smoked for some time in silence, and then he said: "I think you are right, Reggie: you are beyond my help altogether, and if I stayed on here I shouldn't do you any good."
"I am past all human help," I replied.
"Yes, I think you are," said Arthur in his slow way; "but human help doesn't count for much after all. There's plenty of the Other Sort left—more than you or anybody else can ever need."
"Not for me: I have forfeited45 my claim to it," I groaned46 in the anguish47 of my heart, as I remembered how I had cried in vain by old Parkins's sick bed for the Help That never came.
Arthur did not speak, but he smiled the smile that I used to see on my mother's face when I was a little boy, and on Fay's in the days when I was pretending that I didn't love her—a smile which said as plainly as if it had been put into words: "You don't know what you are talking about," but said it with a tenderness that it was beyond the power of any words to express.
I think the ruler of the synagogue must have seen that same Smile—intensified a thousandfold—when his servants met him and said: "Thy daughter is dead: why trouble thou the Master any further": and the Answer came: "Be not afraid: only believe."
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lessen
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| vt.减少，减轻；缩小 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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hideous
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| adj.丑陋的，可憎的，可怕的，恐怖的 | |
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dreary
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| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
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tact
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| n.机敏，圆滑，得体 | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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stifling
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unprecedented
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cataclysm
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utterly
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sacrosanct
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| adj.神圣不可侵犯的 | |
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bishop
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| n.主教，（国际象棋）象 | |
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atone
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| v.赎罪，补偿 | |
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awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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implicitly
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| adv. 含蓄地, 暗中地, 毫不保留地 | |
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interspersing
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| v.散布，散置( intersperse的现在分词 )；点缀 | |
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scoop
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| n.铲子，舀取，独家新闻；v.汲取，舀取，抢先登出 | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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lesser
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| adj.次要的，较小的；adv.较小地，较少地 | |
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obstinacy
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| n.顽固；（病痛等）难治 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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lure
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chaff
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| v.取笑，嘲笑；n.谷壳 | |
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pastor
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| n.牧师，牧人 | |
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bishops
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| （基督教某些教派管辖大教区的）主教( bishop的名词复数 )； （国际象棋的）象 | |
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centaurs
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manor
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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organisation
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| n.组织，安排，团体，有机休 | |
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penetrate
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| v.透(渗)入；刺入，刺穿；洞察，了解 | |
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gulf
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| n.海湾；深渊，鸿沟；分歧，隔阂 | |
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egregious
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| adj.非常的，过分的 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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unnatural
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| adj.不自然的；反常的 | |
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prefixes
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| n.前缀( prefix的名词复数 )；人名前的称谓；前置代号（置于前面的单词或字母、数字） | |
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Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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presumptuous
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| adj.胆大妄为的，放肆的，冒昧的，冒失的 | |
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remorseful
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| adj.悔恨的 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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growled
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| v.（动物）发狺狺声， （雷）作隆隆声( growl的过去式和过去分词 )；低声咆哮着说 | |
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brutal
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| adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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candid
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| adj.公正的，正直的；坦率的 | |
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forfeited
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| （因违反协议、犯规、受罚等）丧失，失去( forfeit的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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