But there was still a greater surprise in store for me and for Restham.
Annabel came into the library one morning with the ominous3 words: "I've got something to say to you, Reggie."
I looked up from the letter I was writing, and wondered indifferently what fresh vexation was in store. Nothing had any longer the power to vex4 me very much: but I could guess from Annabel's expression that something was coming which would vex me as much as it was able.
"Well, what is it?" I asked.
Annabel remained standing5 opposite to me on the other side of the writing-table.
"I expect it will surprise you a good deal, Reggie."
"Well, out with it. Has Blathwayte been offered another Deanery, or has the cook given notice? And don't you think you'd better sit down?"
Annabel sat down on the most uncomfortable chair within reach. "Mr. Blathwayte has asked me to marry him, and I've accepted," she blurted6 out.
She was right. It did surprise me more than I had thought I could ever be surprised again. It fairly took my breath away.
"Good Heavens, Annabel!" I gasped7, when my breath returned to me. "This is astounding8 news indeed."
The murder being out, Annabel was herself again, and went on explaining with her accustomed volubility: "I was surprised myself, Reggie, when Arthur (I shall call him Arthur now) proposed to me, as I had given up the idea of marrying years ago. Just at first the notion seemed to me ridiculous. But after I'd thought it over for a bit, I saw how necessary it was for anybody as important as a Dean to have a wife at his elbow to tell him what to do, and what not to do. It didn't matter while he was only Rector of a small village like this, though even here he rarely acted without my advice: but I don't see how he could possibly manage to be Dean of Lowchester all by himself, do you?"
I admitted the difficulties of undertaking9 such a situation single-handed, and my sister continued: "Although I have the greatest respect—I think I may say the deepest affection—for Mr. Bl——Arthur (I find it a little difficult to remember to say Arthur at present, but I shall soon get into the way), I cannot blind my eyes to the fact that he is inclined to have ritualistic tendencies, and a cathedral, I consider, is just the place to encourage that sort of thing, what with the anthems10 and daily services, and goodness knows what! So different from the quiet routine of a mere11 parish church. But, you see, if I was there, he couldn't give himself over altogether to ritualism."
I did see that—clearly—in spite of my dazed condition.
"I should be dreadfully vexed," Annabel went on, as I was still more or less speechless with amazement12, "if after having got such a splendid appointment, Mr. Blathwayte, I mean Arthur, spoilt it all by ritualism or any folly13 of that kind. It would be such a dreadful pity! I have often noticed that people wait for a thing for years, and then when they get it at last, they do something that makes you wish they had never had it at all. And I should blame myself if Arthur did anything of that kind."
I winced14. I had waited for forty-three years for the happiness that comes to most men in their twenties, and then somebody had done something that made me wish I had never had it at all: but I was as yet far from seeing that that somebody was myself.
"And then, of course," continued Annabel, with a change in her voice, "there is you."
"Yes, there is me," I replied grimly. I wondered how Annabel was going to explain me away.
"At first I felt I really couldn't leave you—especially now you are quite alone; and that I must refuse Mr. Blath—Arthur, in consequence. But on thinking the matter over and looking at it sensibly, I remembered that a man must leave his father and mother and cleave15 to his wife, which of course includes a woman and her brother. And, when all's said and done, you married, so why shouldn't I?"
By this time I had recovered my speech, and also my better feelings. At the first shock the idea of Annabel's marriage was revolting to me: I do not attempt to deny it: and the thought of her leaving me seemed Fate's final blow. But as I pulled myself together I realised that the selfishness of sorrow was swallowing me up, and I determined16 to escape from it before it was too late.
Much is said on behalf of the sweetening uses of adversity; but, for my part, when people talk about the discipline of suffering, I always want to substitute the word "temptation" for "discipline," as I know few greater temptations to selfishness than bodily sickness and mental anguish17. I cannot believe that either sickness or sorrow in itself makes men better: but if men grow better in spite of sickness and sorrow, then they are conquerors18 indeed. When we are told that the Captain of our Salvation19 was made "perfect through suffering," I do not think it is a proof of the beauty of suffering, but of the Divinity of Christ. Even that crowning temptation was powerless to hurt Him. And if He could be perfect in spite of the things He suffered, so can we, provided that we abide20 in Him and He in us.
But I was not abiding21 in Him just then. I had gone out into the far country, because the one restriction22 of the Father's House was too hard for me: that restriction which I had persistently23 set aside: "If ye forgive not men their trespasses24 neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
Still there was enough Grace left in me to enable me to struggle, however vainly, against the wave of selfishness which was overwhelming my tortured soul, and I struggled. "You are quite right, Annabel, in saying and thinking that you have as much right to marry as I had; and it would be abominable25 selfishness on my part to say a word to dissuade26 you from any course which tended to your happiness."
Here Annabel's sense of justice interrupted me. "Still, Reggie, I did say no end of words to try to dissuade you: there's no shutting your eyes to that fact; and therefore you have a perfect right to say anything you like to dissuade me. But I think I can honestly say that when I tried to prevent you from marrying Fay, I was thinking of your happiness rather than of my own."
"I'd take my oath on that," I said warmly.
"And of course I'd no idea that things would turn out as they have," Annabel continued, "or else I should have tried to dissuade you much more strongly than I did. It would have been my duty to do so. Just as it would be your duty to do anything you could to prevent me from marrying Mr. Blath—Arthur, if you thought there was any probability of his running off to Australia and going on to the stage."
I was again able to take my oath that I apprehended27 no such dangers. "But do you love him?" I added. "That is the main thing."
"Well, I should hardly like to apply such a term as 'love' to the feelings of a woman of my age, but I must admit that I am sincerely attached to Arthur, and have the greatest respect for his character. And I must also admit that the lot he asks me to share presents the greatest attractions to me. I don't wish to appear conceited28, but I do think that I am rather wasted on a small place like this, just as Arthur is. I mean there is more work in me than Restham requires."
"You mean that, like Mrs. Figshaw's daughter, you also want a 'scoop'?"
"A scope, Reggie: that is what I do mean. I love arranging things, and I've arranged and planned and organised here till there's nothing left to plan or arrange or organise29. And we shan't be far off—only about an hour's ride in the car; so that you can always come over and consult me about anything, and I can come over here constantly and keep my eye on your servants. I really don't see that with me within an hour's motor-ride they can go very far wrong."
"Nor do I. Moreover, Ponty's eye is almost as all-seeing as yours."
"Of course," added Annabel thoughtfully, "Mr. Blathwayte, I mean Arthur, is five years younger than I am: but if he doesn't mind that, I don't see why you should."
"I don't," I hastened to assure her: "that is nobody's business but his and yours. And the experience of life has taught me that there are distinct disadvantages to a woman in having a husband older than herself. But, Annabel," I added, getting up from my seat and going across to where she sat and laying my hand on her shoulder, "although I am naturally surprised at what you have told me, and am very sorry to lose you, I am very glad as well: for I am sure it would be impossible for any woman to have a better husband than old Arthur. I hope you will be very happy, and, what is more, I am sure you will."
"Thank you, Reggie: and as for leaving you I feel I can do it more easily now than I could before you were married. I'm nothing like so necessary to you now as I was then."
I hastened to disclaim30 this accusation31; but underneath32 my disclaimer I was haunted by a lurking33 consciousness that Annabel's common sense had, as usual, hit the mark. She was not as necessary to my happiness as she had been before my marriage: nobody was, except Fay, and I feared that she was lost to me for ever.
I cannot deny that Annabel's engagement was a tremendous surprise to me: but as I became accustomed to the surprise, I was shocked to find hidden beneath it an unholy little mixture of relief. I hated myself for the knowledge, and violently battled against it, but all the same I could not help knowing that Restham Manor34 without Annabel would be a much more easy and restful abode35 than it had ever been before. And at the very back of my mind—so far back that I was scarcely conscious of it—there sprang up a tiny and indefinite hope that—with Annabel gone—Fay might come back to me once more. But not with Frank: even though it might be possible for me sometime to forgive my wife, it could never be possible for me to forgive her brother: of that I felt certain: He had injured me far too deeply. But though the possibility of Fay's return crept into the realm of practical politics, I was too proud to ask her to come back to me. She had left me of her own free will, and she should come back to me of her own free will or not at all. And this was not entirely36 selfish pride on my part, though doubtless to a great extent it was. Much as I loved my wife, much as I longed for her, I did not wish her to return until she felt she could be happy with me. Once again—as before I proposed to her—I was not willing to purchase my own happiness at the cost of Fay's.
Of course the marriage of Annabel to Blathwayte was a nine days' wonder in Restham—a wonder which I shared with my humbler neighbours. However devoted37 to his sisters a man may be, the fact that other men want to marry them never fails to appeal to his sense of humour: and the appeal is by no means minimised if the sister happens to have attained38 to her fiftieth year. In spite of all the sorrow through which I had passed and was still passing, I was still sufficiently39 a boy at heart to laugh at the idea of good old Arthur's marrying Annabel.
I did not—I could not—believe that the attachment40 dated from Blathwayte's youthful days, since the difference between twenty-five and thirty is much greater than that between forty-four and forty-nine. My explanation of the phenomenon was that he was suddenly faced with the prospect41 of doing without Annabel, and found he couldn't stand it; and so—necessity being the mother of invention—it occurred to him to marry her instead. I think she had become as much an integral part of his scheme of things as the sun or the moon or the General Post Office; and although one might not spontaneously think of marrying the sun or the moon or the General Post Office, it is conceivable that one might even go to that length rather than do without them altogether.
But so inconsistent is human nature, although my higher self struggled against any selfish desire to keep Annabel at Restham, and my lower self was secretly relieved at the prospect of her departure, I was nevertheless hurt that she should wish to leave me. Once again I was brought face to face with the old problem, how is it that the people always behave so much better to other people than other people ever behave to them? To which I believe the real answer is that we all expect so much more of each other than we are prepared to give in return.
My unholy relief at the transference of Annabel's beneficent yoke42 from my shoulders to Arthur's was shared to the fullest extent by Ponty, and in her case it assumed no secret or surreptitious form.
"It'll be a good thing for Miss Annabel to have a house and a husband of her own at last," she remarked, "to order about as she pleases; and leave you and me to do what we like at the Manor, Master Reggie."
"But you seem to forget that she is taking a vow43 of obedience44 to her husband," I suggested, "which she certainly never took with regard to you and me."
Ponty shook her old head. "Vows45 or no vows, Miss Annabel will always wear the breeches."
"Which in this case happens to be gaiters as well," I added: "but I've no doubt that she will wear them all, with the apron46 thrown in."
"I shan't so much mind Miss Annabel having everything her own way at the Deanery, Master Reggie, because when all's said and done it's the course of nature for a woman to rule her own husband; but no woman was ever intended to rule her brother, and particularly her brother's wife, and it's against nature that she should. And what's against nature always ends in trouble sooner or later, mark my words! There was a man at Poppenhall when I was a girl who suddenly took it into his head to leave off eating meat, and lived instead upon nuts. He said there was a lot of nourishment47 in a nut, which it stands to reason there couldn't be, it all being made of what you might call wood, and indigestible at that. But anyway, he hadn't lived on nuts for more than a year when he, fell off a rick he was thatching and broke his neck. Which was nothing but a judgment48 upon him for going against nature. And for months before he died, you could hear the nuts rattling49 inside him, like a baby's rattle50."
"A terrible fate!" I said gravely. "But I may add for your comfort that if it is natural, as you say, for every woman to rule her own husband, there is no fear of Miss Annabel's going against nature: and I am sure that the Dean will make her an excellent husband."
"None better: he's one in a thousand is Mr. Blathwayte, and always has been. And Miss Annabel won't make a bad wife either, for them as like those masterful, managing sort of wives. She'll always have her house kept beautiful; and she'll be Dean of Lowchester and Chapter too, if they don't take care."
"But she'll be a very good Dean and Chapter, Ponty."
"Yes, Master Reggie, you have the right of it there. Whatever Miss Annabel sets herself to do, she'll do well: no manner of doubt on that point. She's always from a child been one to do her duty: I will say that for her. It's only when she sets about doing other people's duty that she begins to get troublesome."
"The Dean and Chapter may possibly find it troublesome when she begins to do their duty," I suggested.
"That's their business and not mine, Master Reggie. Miss Annabel has been my business for close on fifty years, and I'm glad to hand her on to somebody else. Not that I'm not fond of her, for I am, and have been ever since I took her on from the monthly nurse forty-nine years ago: but she was a handful from a baby, though always a fine child, with a skin as fair as a lily, and hair that curled quite easy and kept in curl, though I can't pretend as it ever curled natural, because it didn't. But I'd no trouble in curling it as some folks have. I remember a woman at Poppenhall, whose children's hair was as straight as never was, though she put it in curling-papers every night of their lives, feeling she didn't like to be bested by her own children's hair, as you might say. But instead of taking the curl any better, it all came off, the curling-papers having stopped the natural growth; and those children's heads were as bare as billiard-balls. I suppose it was a judgment on her for going against nature."
"But you went against nature in curling Miss Annabel's hair, and yet no judgment seems to have fallen upon you," said I, as I thought pertinently51.
"That was quite different, Master Reggie." Like the rest of her kind, Ponty recognised the incalculable difference between her own case and the case of everybody else. "Although Miss Annabel's hair didn't curl what you might call naturally, like yours, it was very easy to curl, and it kept in something beautiful: and it seemed very hard for your poor mamma to have a boy whose curls had to be cut off and a girl who hadn't any. And then her ladyship's children were her ladyship's children, and not like ordinary common folk." Ponty's logic52 always roused my wonder and admiration53.
While she was speaking, my wandering gaze fell upon two portraits hung on the nursery wall: a fat little girl with pink cheeks and blue eyes, and stiff curls like great yellow sausages, who was dressed in a white frock and a blue sash; and a thin, little, dark-eyed boy with pale cheeks and terrible brown ringlets, and who was disfigured still further by a green velvet54 suit and a ghastly lace collar. These caricatures were supposed to reproduce Annabel and myself in early youth; and in Ponty's eyes they represented the perfection of personal beauty as depicted55 by the highest form of human art.
But while I smiled—as I had often smiled before—at the hideousness56 of these pictures, a great wave of envy of the children whom they represented swept over me; an overwhelming longing57 to be once more the sheltered little boy in the frightful58 green suit, whose world was Annabel and whose Heaven was Ponty and his mother. Happy little boy, upon whose wrath59 the sun never went down, and who knew no sorrow so great that his mother could not cure it! I would gladly have changed places with him, even though the change involved the handicaps of long brown curls and a large lace collar.
点击收听单词发音
1 promotion | |
n.提升,晋级;促销,宣传 | |
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2 subsided | |
v.(土地)下陷(因在地下采矿)( subside的过去式和过去分词 );减弱;下降至较低或正常水平;一下子坐在椅子等上 | |
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3 ominous | |
adj.不祥的,不吉的,预兆的,预示的 | |
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4 vex | |
vt.使烦恼,使苦恼 | |
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5 standing | |
n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的 | |
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6 blurted | |
v.突然说出,脱口而出( blurt的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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7 gasped | |
v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 );喘息;倒抽气;很想要 | |
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8 astounding | |
adj.使人震惊的vt.使震惊,使大吃一惊astound的现在分词) | |
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9 undertaking | |
n.保证,许诺,事业 | |
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10 anthems | |
n.赞美诗( anthem的名词复数 );圣歌;赞歌;颂歌 | |
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11 mere | |
adj.纯粹的;仅仅,只不过 | |
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12 amazement | |
n.惊奇,惊讶 | |
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13 folly | |
n.愚笨,愚蠢,蠢事,蠢行,傻话 | |
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14 winced | |
赶紧避开,畏缩( wince的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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15 cleave | |
v.(clave;cleaved)粘着,粘住;坚持;依恋 | |
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16 determined | |
adj.坚定的;有决心的 | |
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17 anguish | |
n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦,烦恼 | |
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18 conquerors | |
征服者,占领者( conqueror的名词复数 ) | |
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19 salvation | |
n.(尤指基督)救世,超度,拯救,解困 | |
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20 abide | |
vi.遵守;坚持;vt.忍受 | |
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21 abiding | |
adj.永久的,持久的,不变的 | |
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22 restriction | |
n.限制,约束 | |
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23 persistently | |
ad.坚持地;固执地 | |
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24 trespasses | |
罪过( trespass的名词复数 ); 非法进入 | |
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25 abominable | |
adj.可厌的,令人憎恶的 | |
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26 dissuade | |
v.劝阻,阻止 | |
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27 apprehended | |
逮捕,拘押( apprehend的过去式和过去分词 ); 理解 | |
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28 conceited | |
adj.自负的,骄傲自满的 | |
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29 organise | |
vt.组织,安排,筹办 | |
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30 disclaim | |
v.放弃权利,拒绝承认 | |
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31 accusation | |
n.控告,指责,谴责 | |
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32 underneath | |
adj.在...下面,在...底下;adv.在下面 | |
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33 lurking | |
潜在 | |
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34 manor | |
n.庄园,领地 | |
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35 abode | |
n.住处,住所 | |
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36 entirely | |
ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地 | |
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37 devoted | |
adj.忠诚的,忠实的,热心的,献身于...的 | |
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38 attained | |
(通常经过努力)实现( attain的过去式和过去分词 ); 达到; 获得; 达到(某年龄、水平、状况) | |
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39 sufficiently | |
adv.足够地,充分地 | |
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40 attachment | |
n.附属物,附件;依恋;依附 | |
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41 prospect | |
n.前景,前途;景色,视野 | |
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42 yoke | |
n.轭;支配;v.给...上轭,连接,使成配偶 | |
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43 vow | |
n.誓(言),誓约;v.起誓,立誓 | |
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44 obedience | |
n.服从,顺从 | |
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45 vows | |
誓言( vow的名词复数 ); 郑重宣布,许愿 | |
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46 apron | |
n.围裙;工作裙 | |
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47 nourishment | |
n.食物,营养品;营养情况 | |
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48 judgment | |
n.审判;判断力,识别力,看法,意见 | |
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49 rattling | |
adj. 格格作响的, 活泼的, 很好的 adv. 极其, 很, 非常 动词rattle的现在分词 | |
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50 rattle | |
v.飞奔,碰响;激怒;n.碰撞声;拨浪鼓 | |
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51 pertinently | |
适切地 | |
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52 logic | |
n.逻辑(学);逻辑性 | |
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53 admiration | |
n.钦佩,赞美,羡慕 | |
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54 velvet | |
n.丝绒,天鹅绒;adj.丝绒制的,柔软的 | |
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55 depicted | |
描绘,描画( depict的过去式和过去分词 ); 描述 | |
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56 hideousness | |
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57 longing | |
n.(for)渴望 | |
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58 frightful | |
adj.可怕的;讨厌的 | |
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59 wrath | |
n.愤怒,愤慨,暴怒 | |
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