Here is a rule which, strictly1 speaking, knows no exception; yet, as a matter of fact, probably nine-tenths of all the punishing of children that is done by parents in this world is done in anger.[Pg 206] And this is one of the wrongs suffered by children through the wrong-doing of their parents.
Anger is hot blood. Anger is passion. Anger is for the time being a controlling emotion, fixing the mind’s eye on the one point against which it is specifically directed, to the forgetfulness of all else. But punishment is a judicial2 act, calling for a clear mind, and a cool head, and a fair considering of every side of the case in hand. Anger is inconsistent with the exercise of the judicial faculty3; therefore no person is competent to judge fairly while angry.
If, indeed, in any given case, the anger itself be just, the impulse of the angry man may be in the right direction, and the punishment he would inflict4 a fitting one; but, again, his impulse may be toward a punishment that is not merited. At all events, the man is not in a frame of mind to decide whether or not his impulse is a wise one; and it is his duty to wait until he can dispassionately view the case in another light than that in which it presents itself to his heated brain. No judge is[Pg 207] worthy6 of the office he administers, if he acts on the impulse of his first estimate of a case before him, without taking time to see what can be shown on the other side of that case. And no parent acts worthily7 who jumps to the punishment of a child while under the impulse of an angry mood.
There are strong provocatives to anger in many a child’s conduct, especially to a parent who is of an intense nature, with an inclination8 to quickness of temper. A child is disobedient at a point where he has been repeatedly told of his duty; he is quarrelsome with his playmates, or insolent9 toward his nurse; he is persistently10 irritable11, or he gives way to a fit of ungovernable rage; he destroys property recklessly, or he endangers life and limb; he snatches away a plaything from a little brother, or he clutches his hands into his mother’s hair; he indulges in foul12 language, or he utters threats of revenge; he meets a proffered13 kiss with a slap or a scratch; his conduct may be even that which would excite anger in a saint, but it certainly is such as to excite anger in the average parent—who[Pg 208] is not a saint. Then, while the parent is angry, and while punishment seems merited by the child, the temptation of the parent is to administer punishment; but that temptation is one that ought never to be yielded to, or, if yielded to, it is not without sin.
Punishment may be needed in such a case, but the punishment, to be surely just and to be recognized as just, must be well considered, and must be administered in a manner to show that it is not the outcome of passionate5 impulse. No punishment ought to be administered by a parent at any time that would not be administered by that parent when he was cool and calm and deliberate, and after he had had a full and free talk on the subject with the child, in the child’s best state of mind. Whether the punishment that seems to the parent to be the desert of the child, while the parent is still angry, is the punishment that the parent would deem the fitting one in his cooler, calmer moments, can be better decided14 after the parent has looked at it in both frames of mind, than before he has[Pg 209] had the advantage of a view from the standpoint of fuller deliberation.
“What?” inquired a surprised parent, in conversing15 with the present writer on this very subject, “do you say that I must never punish my boy while I’m angry with him? Why then I should hardly ever punish him at all. It is while I am sitting up for him hour after hour, when I’ve told him over and over again that he must come in early, evenings, that I feel like taking hold of him smartly when he does come in. If I should say nothing to him then, but should leave the matter until the next morning, I should sleep off all my feeling on the subject, and he wouldn’t be punished at all.” And that father, in that statement of the case, spoke16 for many a parent, in the whole matter of the punishing of a child while angry. The punishment which the child gets is the result of the passion of the parent, not of the parent’s sense of justice; and the child knows this to be the case, whether the parent does or not.
How many boxes of the ear, and shakings of the[Pg 210] shoulders, and slappings and strikings, and sentences of doom17, which the children now get from their parents, would never be given if only the parents refrained from giving these while angry, but waited until they themselves were calm and unruffled, before deciding whether to give them or not! It is not by any means easy for a parent always to control himself in his anger, so as to refrain from acting19 on the impulse which his anger imparts; but he who has not control of himself is the last person in the world to attempt the control of others. And not until a parent has himself in perfect control ought he to take his child in hand for the judicial investigation20 and treatment of his case as an evil-doer.
Of course, there are cases where instant action on the part of parents in checking or controlling their children’s conduct is a necessity, whether the parent be excited or calm; but in such cases the action, however vigorous or severe, is not in the line of punishment, but of conservation. A child may be thoughtlessly tugging21 away at the end of[Pg 211] a table-cloth, with the liability of pulling over upon his head all the table crockery, including the scalding tea-pot; or he may be endangering himself by reaching out toward a lighted lamp, or an open razor. No time is to be lost. If the child does not respond to a word, he must be dealt with promptly22 and decisively. A sharp rap on the fingers may be the surest available means of saving him from a disaster.
So, again, a wayward child may be aiming a missile at a costly23 mirror, or at a playmate’s head, in a fit of temper. Not a moment can then be wasted. Angry or not angry, the parent may have to clutch at the child’s lifted arm to save property or life. In such a case, wise action is called for, regardless of the frame of mind of him who acts. But this is the action of the peacekeeper rather than of the minister of justice. The parent fills for the moment the place of the policeman on his beat, rather than of the judge on his bench. The question of punishment for the child’s action is yet to be considered; and that, again, must be[Pg 212] delayed until there is no anger in the parent’s mind.
Anger, in the sense of hot indignation, may, indeed, as has already been said, be, upon an occasion, a fitting exhibit of parental24 feeling; but this is only in those utterly25 exceptional cases in which a child transcends26 all ordinary limits of misdoing, and is guilty of that which he himself knows to be intolerable. As Dr. Bushnell says at this point, “There are cases, now and then, in the outrageous27 and shocking misconduct of some boy, where an explosion is wanted; where the father represents God best by some terrible outburst of indignant violated feeling, and becomes an instant avenger28, without any counsel or preparation whatever.” But this is apart from all questions of punishment as punishment.
A child knows when punishment is administered to him in anger, and when it is administered to him in a purely29 judicial frame of mind; and a child puts his estimate accordingly on him who administers the punishment. In a city mission[Pg 213]- school, many years ago, there was a wild set of boys who seemed to do all in their power to anger and annoy their teachers. Cases of discipline were a necessity there; for again and again a boy attempted violence to a teacher, and force was required to save the teachers from serious harm. But love swayed those teachers even when force on their part was a necessity; and the boys seemed to understand this fully30.
There came a time, however, when the young superintendent31 of that school, who had often held a scholar in check by force, was made public sport of in such way, with the rude linking of a lady teacher’s name with his in ridicule32, that his self-control failed him for the moment, and he evidently showed this as he took hold of the offender33 with unwonted warmth. Instantly the boy started back in surprise, with the reproachful exclamation34: “Trumbull, you’re mad; and that’s wicked.” Those words taught a lesson to that young superintendent which he has never forgotten. They showed him that his power over those rough boys[Pg 214] was a moral power, and that it pivoted35 on his retaining power over himself. It was theirs to get him angry if they could; but if they succeeded he was a failure, and they knew it. And that lesson is one that parents as well as superintendents36 could learn to advantage.
When a parent punishes a child only in love, and without being ruffled18 by anger, the child is readier to perceive the justice of the punishment, and is under no temptation to resent passion with passion. A child who had been told by her father, that if she did a certain thing he must punish her for it, came to him, on his return home, and informed him that she had transgressed37 in the thing forbidden. He expressed sincere regret for this. “But you said, papa, that you would punish me for it,” she added. “Yes, my dear child, and I must keep my word,” was his answer. Then, as he drew her lovingly to him, he told her just why he must punish her. Looking up into his face with tearful trust, she said: “You don’t like to punish me,—do you, papa?” “Indeed I don’t, my[Pg 215] darling,” he said, in earnestness. “It hurts you more than it hurts me,—doesn’t it, papa?” was her sympathetic question, as if she were more troubled for her father than for herself. “Yes, indeed it does, my darling child,” was his loving rejoinder. And the punishment which that father gave and that daughter received under circumstances like these, was a cause of no chafing38 between the two even for the moment, while it brought its gain to both, as no act of punishment in anger, however just in itself, could ever bring, in such a case.
As a rule, a child ought not to be punished except for an offense39 that, at the time of its committal, was known by the child to be an offense deserving of punishment. It is no more fair for a parent to impose a penalty to an offense after the offense is committed, than it is for a civil government to pass an ex post facto law, by which punishment is to be awarded for offenses40 committed before that law was passed. And if a child understands, when he does a wrong, that he must expect a fixed41 punishment as its penalty, there is little danger of[Pg 216] his feeling that his parent is unjust in administering that punishment; and, certainly, there is no need of the parent hastening to administer that punishment while still angry.
Punishment received by a child from an angry parent is an injury to both parent and child. The parent is the worse for yielding to the temptation to give way to anger against a child. The child is harmed by knowing that his parent has done wrong. A child can be taught to know that he deserves punishment. A child needs no teaching to know that his parent is wrong in punishing him while angry. No parent ought to punish a child except with a view to the child’s good. And in order to do good to a child through his punishing, a parent must religiously refrain from punishing him while angry.
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1
strictly
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| adv.严厉地，严格地；严密地 | |
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judicial
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| adj.司法的，法庭的，审判的，明断的，公正的 | |
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faculty
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| n.才能；学院，系；(学院或系的)全体教学人员 | |
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4
inflict
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| vt.(on)把…强加给，使遭受，使承担 | |
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passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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7
worthily
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| 重要地，可敬地，正当地 | |
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8
inclination
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| n.倾斜；点头；弯腰；斜坡；倾度；倾向；爱好 | |
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insolent
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| adj.傲慢的，无理的 | |
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persistently
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| ad.坚持地；固执地 | |
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irritable
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| adj.急躁的；过敏的；易怒的 | |
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12
foul
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| adj.污秽的；邪恶的；v.弄脏；妨害；犯规；n.犯规 | |
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13
proffered
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| v.提供，贡献，提出( proffer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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14
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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conversing
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| v.交谈，谈话( converse的现在分词 ) | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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doom
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| n.厄运，劫数；v.注定，命定 | |
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ruffled
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| adj. 有褶饰边的, 起皱的 动词ruffle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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investigation
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| n.调查，调查研究 | |
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tugging
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| n.牵引感v.用力拉，使劲拉，猛扯( tug的现在分词 ) | |
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promptly
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| adv.及时地，敏捷地 | |
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23
costly
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| adj.昂贵的，价值高的，豪华的 | |
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24
parental
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| adj.父母的；父的；母的 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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transcends
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| 超出或超越（经验、信念、描写能力等）的范围( transcend的第三人称单数 )； 优于或胜过… | |
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27
outrageous
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| adj.无理的，令人不能容忍的 | |
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avenger
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| n. 复仇者 | |
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purely
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| adv.纯粹地，完全地 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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31
superintendent
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| n.监督人，主管，总监；(英国)警务长 | |
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32
ridicule
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| v.讥讽，挖苦；n.嘲弄 | |
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33
offender
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| n.冒犯者，违反者，犯罪者 | |
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34
exclamation
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| n.感叹号，惊呼，惊叹词 | |
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35
pivoted
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| adj.转动的，回转的，装在枢轴上的v.（似）在枢轴上转动( pivot的过去式和过去分词 )；把…放在枢轴上；以…为核心，围绕（主旨）展开 | |
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36
superintendents
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| 警长( superintendent的名词复数 )； （大楼的）管理人； 监管人； （美国）警察局长 | |
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37
transgressed
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| v.超越( transgress的过去式和过去分词 )；越过；违反；违背 | |
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38
chafing
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| n.皮肤发炎v.擦热（尤指皮肤）( chafe的现在分词 )；擦痛；发怒；惹怒 | |
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39
offense
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| n.犯规，违法行为；冒犯，得罪 | |
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40
offenses
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| n.进攻( offense的名词复数 )；（球队的）前锋；进攻方法；攻势 | |
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41
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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