“I’m so sorry he’s gone,” he said to her. “He is so extraordinarily3 inspiring in a sort of back-handed way. He puts his own point of view so brilliantly, that I realize how diabolical4 it is, and that spurs me to work for mine. He has the same effect on me as the sight of a drunken man was supposed to have on Spartan5 boys. Their fathers used to make a slave drunk and then bring him in, and say, ‘Look at that. Isn’t it horrible! Take warning!’”
Tom moved over to where May was sitting, and possessed6 himself of her hand.
“You’ve grown thin, darling,” he said; “look how your rings slip about. May, I’m so glad you’ve come. I have been very bad company to myself lately. When{257} I stick in my work, and you are not here, I don’t know what to do. But when I’ve got you, sticking doesn’t seem to depress me.”
“I’m afraid I can’t prevent your sticking though, Tom.”
“I believe there is nothing you can’t do for me.”
“No, dear,” said May, “I’m very sorry, but we must face it. I don’t understand about your work at all. I’m not the least artistic7. If you are pleased, I am pleased; but when you are not pleased, I can’t help you. Mr. Manvers could; for that I am sorry he has gone.”
“Don’t you like him?” asked Tom.
May was silent a moment.
“Tom, you won’t be angry with me, will you,” she said at length, “because I am going to say something which I have had on my mind for a long time, and which I think I had better say. It is this. Do you think it is right for you to see much of him, to know him, to be at all intimate with him? Oh, Tom, he is not a good man! I don’t know about his life, and you probably do; but I am sure of that. He has no better aim in life than the success of his own wits. He has a bad effect on you. He makes you think lightly of things which are more important than anything else. Oh, I’ve got such a lot to say to you!”
Tom smiled.
“Say it, darling.”
May sat up and played rather nervously8 with her rings.
“And when you stick in your work, Tom,” she went on, “do you think it is well to stimulate9 yourself in{258} the sort of way you mention? You know you aim at the best, and all that is good comes from one quarter. Do you ever go there for help?”
“You mean, do I pray?”
“Yes, Tom.”
Tom got up and walked up and down the room.
“It is like this,” he said: “I believe in God, and I believe in good, but I also believe in things like laws of nature, and if God created all things, He created them. He has given me a brain which works in obedience10 to certain laws, and nothing in the world can alter them. We know a little about the brain, at least by experience we find that certain things stimulate it; it works best when it is keen and eager, and I use those things to make it keen and eager which I have found by experience do so. No, when I stick in my work, I don’t pray.”
“But that is the essence of good work,” said May; “it is that which makes it good—the fact that it is done in a spirit of dedication11.”
“But, do you then think that a good man, in so far as he is good and dedicates his work to God, necessarily produces good work?” asked Tom.
“I mean that a man who has a gift in any line, uses his gift best and produces more beautiful things if he dedicates it. Why, Tom, look at the difference between your things and Mr. Manvers’. I think he is not a good man, and I think his things are not good for that reason.”
Tom sat down again.
“It all depends on what you mean by good and bad work,” he said. “I think the object of a beautiful{259} thing is only to be beautiful, and I think his things are bad because they are ugly—at least, they seem to me ugly.”
“But the object of all beauty is to bring us nearer God,” said May.
“Yet a work of art which arouses religious emotions is not a better work of art than one which does not. Otherwise, a chromo-lithograph of the Sistine Madonna would be a better work of art than that terrible splendid Salome in the Louvre.”
“I think Mr. Manvers’ things are immoral,” said May.
“You don’t understand, dear,” he said. “His things, so I think, are bad because he has a debased taste. It is his artistic sense that is warped12, and it is that which shows in his work, and not his character. Besides, I think you are not fair to him, May.”
“Oh, but, Tom,” she said, with indignation in her voice, “think of his life, that life among those Paris artists, that horrible vice13, and carelessness of living.”
Tom smiled.
“Where did you learn about the life of Paris artists?” he asked. “Manvers says they are most inoffensive little people as a rule.”
“I read all about it in ‘David Grieve,’” said May seriously. “It is horrible.”
This time he laughed right out.
“Oh, May, you are a darling!” he said. “Oh dear, how funny! I’m so sorry for laughing; but really it is funny. Have you ever heard Manvers talk about that? He becomes quite virtuous14 and indignant over it. I don’t know much about Paris life myself, I was{260} only there a month or two, but Manvers—he does not strike you as being very like David Grieve in Paris, does he?”
May joined in Tom’s laugh, but grew serious again.
“You know I feel about it very deeply,” she said; “there is nothing in the world I feel about so much. I think it is our first duty not to condone15 by word or deed what one knows is bad. To let people see that one will not tolerate it, to fight against it, to—to show that one loathes16 it.”
“Do you mean you want me never to see Manvers again?” asked Tom.
“No, not that,” said May, “because you know him well, and he is very fond of you, and I think you do him good. But couldn’t you do him more good? Couldn’t you talk to him about it, and bear your testimony17?”
“No, dear,” said Tom, quietly, “I couldn’t possibly. It is not my business. I know Manvers as a friend, as an excellent companion, as a most amusing fellow. Why, May, he would think I was mad. Men do not talk to each other about such things.”
“But surely it is our business,” said May. “Tom, you don’t think me tiresome18, do you?”
Tom smiled, and took up her hand again.
“My darling, I happen to love you,” he said, “and it does not occur to one to think a person one loves tiresome.”
May went on with gathering19 earnestness.
“Surely it is our business,” she said. “You believe in God, you believe in Christ, in His infinite love, His infinite care for all. Surely it is your first business to{261} help in His work. I remember what you told me about that early celebration you went to. It completed my happiness: it was that I was waiting for, and I thank God for it day and night. I longed to see you more and talk about it, but you went up to London so soon after, and I have scarcely seen you since.”
Tom’s eyebrows20 contracted. It was impossible for him to let May be deceived, but what he had to do was a bitter thing. May’s eyes were fixed21 on his, full of love and trust, but with a question in them, a desire to be confirmed in what she had said.
“May, I am going to hurt you,” he said, looking away, “but I cannot help it; I cannot let you think something about me which is not true. I think I over-rated that—I mean that I thought more of it than it really meant to me. The day before I was in agonies of anxiety and fear for you, and that afternoon Ted1 and I met the funeral of a mother who had just died in child-bed, and on my way home, as I told you, I went into the church and prayed to an unknown God that you might be safe. I could not bear it alone. And then next morning I could not bear my joy alone. I had—I was obliged to thank some one for it, the some one who had heard my prayer the evening before. And now the whole thing has faded a little. I am less sure. I do not deny that God heard my prayer, and stretched out His hand to save you, but it is less real to me. Supposing you had died, should I have denied absolutely the existence of God? I hope not. Then why should I affirm it because you lived?”
Tom’s voice had sunk lower and lower, and he{262} ended in a whisper. But May’s hand still lay in his, and she pressed it tenderly.
“Tom, why were you afraid to tell me?” she said. “Ah, my dear, I should be a very weak, poor creature if this separated me at all from you, or made me doubt you. What did you think of me? Of course I am sorry, and yet I am hardly sorry. Am I to dictate22 to God by what way He shall lead you? He has not led you that way, it was not good. Tom, Tom!”
She bent23 forward and kissed him, her arm was pressed round his neck, and her head lay on his breast. As once before, on the evening when they reached Applethorpe before the baby’s birth, human love and longing24 had full possession of her; and as she lay there, she felt only that she loved him. And Tom too was content.
But good moments pass as well as bad ones, and the sense that May lived in a different world to him could not but come back again and again to Tom. He could not but feel that there was a passion in her life in which he had no share, and that passion was the strongest she knew. He had tried to grasp it; once he thought he had grasped it, but he was wrong. He was as honest to himself as he was to others, and he admitted that he did not believe in God in the way he believed in May or in Art. The life of Christ was beautiful beyond all other lives, but was it different in kind from the lives of noble unselfish men? Was Christ anything more than the most wonderful, the most unselfish man that the world has ever seen? And from the fact that he could ask himself these{263} questions, Tom knew that he was not convinced. It was just this that was the most essential part of May’s life; her love and tenderness for him and others sprang from that, whereas Tom felt that all that was good in him did not descend25 from above, but grew up from below.
May was certainly less conscious of this than he. She, so to speak, was waiting for him to come, believing fully26 he would, while he was struggling towards her, afraid that his efforts were futile27. The least he could do, he felt, and the most, was to avoid letting her know that he was so conscious of the gulf28 between them. He loved her, he thought, more and more as the days went by, and it should be easy to stifle29 that little ounce of bitter where all else was so sweet. So long as she loved him, he felt that it would be well with him.
Meantime the London season danced and laughed round them; the clay model of Demeter was finished and was to be put in the pointer’s hands at once. May produced a slight stir in a small circle, because she was beautiful, and there is quite an appreciable30 number of men who prefer that a woman should not talk much, because, as is very justly remarked, if everybody talked much, nobody would have any audience to address. She was always courteous31, she always looked admirable, and the general opinion was that Tom had “done himself” uncommonly32 well.
Moreover—and this was particularly interesting, because it was never spoken above a whisper—Miss Wrexham was not looking at all well, and there really must have been something in what every one was{264} saying last year. Very sad for her, was it not? but a girl has no business to go about looking pale; of course that set every one talking, and a little rouge34, you know, would both conceal35 the pallor and mitigate36 the blush. Oh yes, it happened many times; only last night, in fact, when we were dining there, Tom Carlingford’s name came up and she blushed—several people saw her. And she wasn’t at Ascot, nor was he, and that is quite conclusive37. And besides, her going to Athens was so very extraordinary. Oh, she had a brother there, had she? We hadn’t heard that, and we shall probably forget it again.
Maud, it must be confessed, did not enjoy herself very much that season. In the natural course of things she met Tom often, and the task of unbuilding that most uncompromising blank wall seemed too disheartening. Every time she saw him she felt that things were getting more and more difficult. What made it worse was that May had unthawed to her, and often asked her to come out with her. May out of the fulness of her heart constantly spoke33 of Tom, and talking about Tom was rather emotional work for poor Maud. That terrible evening before Manvers went away had taken her and thrust her back into all her old hopelessness and blankness. “After all, what good to strive with a life awry38?” she asked herself, and then because she was pure and good and sweet, she strove and strove till her strength began to give way. If only Tom would leave London, she thought, or if only she could, things would be more possible.
A little scene which had occurred long before, often came back to her during these weeks. One day at{265} their house in Cornwall, she was walking early before breakfast along a narrow country lane. She could almost smell again that sweet intangible scent39 of morning, the smell of clean things. Now and then a whiff of dogrose crossed her, and now and then a breeze which had blown through a gorse bush came over her face. At the lodge40 gate she had spoken to the old keeper’s wife, whose son had got into trouble. The poor old lady was rather tearful about it, and said: “Lor, miss, if we were good how happy we should be!” She had repeated the remark once to Manvers, who said he thought the old woman had got hold of the wrong end of the stick, and that she would have spoken more truthfully if she had said, “If we were happy, how good we should be!”
How extraordinarily happy she had been that morning! The whole world had seemed so clean and fresh and wholesome41, so delightfully42 straightforward44 and uncomplicated. If only she could get back that feeling, just for a moment, she thought she would be rested and ready to begin again. In the old days nothing had seemed hard, nothing out of reach, nothing perplexing. And now her life was spoiled.
One evening early in June she was having tea with May, longing for Tom to come in, dreading45 that he would come. May had sent for the baby, and he was sitting on his mother’s knee regarding his toes, which apparently46 seemed to him very wonderful inventions and quite original, and his mother was taking a sympathetic interest in his discoveries. Maud, who had been quite fascinating to the infant mind till he found out about his toes, had been thrown over, and{266} as May’s attention was riveted47 on her son, she felt just a little out of it. Suddenly May looked up.
“Just fancy,” she said, “this little mite48 is our own, Tom’s and mine: I never get quite used to that fact. Yes, darling”—she turned her attention to the baby—“how pretty, and that’s all yours. Oh, you angel!”
Maud felt her breath catch in her throat, and on the moment the door opened and Tom came in.
“Baby-cult as usual,” he said. “How are you, Maud?”
Maud could not quite command her voice, but she murmured something.
“That surprising infant usurps49 far too much of May’s time,” continued he. “May will never quite recognize that one baby is rather like another baby.”
May bent over the little sparsely50 be-haired head.
“What an unnatural51 papa he’s got!” she said; “he says you’re like other babies. You know quite well, and so does he, that there never was a baby like you, and never will be!”
Tom’s pleasant soul sat laughing in his eyes as he answered her.
“Mothers are said to be biassed52 in favour of their own young; never you believe that, my boy.”
Then he turned to Maud.
“May’s manners are cast to the winds when His Smallness is present,” he said; “she won’t attend to either of us, so we’ll attend to each other. Are you going to the Levesons’ to-morrow? I hear they are going to be very smart, and that it’s a case of red carpet. May, I must smoke a cigarette. I don’t care whether it’s the drawing-room or not.{267}”
“And fill the room with horrid53, horrid smoke,” said May to her son.
“I hardly know,” said Maud; “I’ve been overdoing54 it lately, and I think I shall go into my shell again for a bit. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a real shell, and curl yourself up in the middle of a dinner-party if you were bored.”
“I shall order one,” said Tom, thoughtfully. “You do look rather tired. Where are you going to put your shell? If I were you I should leave London for a week. It would be so original. You would of course let it be known that you were going to read ‘Sordello.’ ‘Sordello’ is the fashion now, I think. Of course nobody has read it and that’s why they talk about it. No one talks about a thing they really have read.”
“That has a slight flavour of Mr. Manvers,” remarked May.
“Manvers has such a pungent55 flavour, that one really can’t help catching56 a little of it, if one sees him at all,” said Tom. “But I wasn’t consciously Manveresque—I suppose he’s in Paris, associating with all the good dead Americans.”
May smiled.
“And now mammy’s going to take him upstairs,” she said, and left the room.
Tom poured himself out a cup of tea.
“Please talk nonsense to me,” he said; “I’ve been seeing Wallingthorpe, and—and of course he’s a delightful43 man, but he is so serious. He takes everybody and everything seriously, including himself. That is so clever of him—and the worst of it is he{268} keeps it up. He is always clever. How tiring he must find it!”
Maud laughed, but the laugh ended abruptly57.
“Talk nonsense!” she said; “I have forgotten how. Oh, Tom, the world is a very serious place!”
Tom raised his eyebrows.
“When did you find that out?” he asked.
“I? Oh, ever so long ago!” she said rather wildly “If you take it lightly and pleasantly, it turns round on you somehow, and deals you sudden back-handed blows. I don’t know why I am saying all this.”
“Hit it back,” suggested Tom. “It deals blows back-handed possibly, but it caresses58 you back-handed too.”
Maud put on her gloves, and fitted her fingers carefully.
“I am out of sorts,” she said; “the world is grievously awry.”
“What’s the matter?”
“I am the matter. It’s nobody else. But what is one to do?”
Maud knew she was being unwise. She knew perfectly59 well that she would be sorry for this, but the hope that Tom might understand seemed to her the only thing worth caring for, and at the same time the one thing in all the world which she dreaded60. She was afraid, desperately61 afraid, of saying too much, but she could not help herself. “Why will not he understand?” she thought, “and God forbid that he should.” But Tom was in a thoroughly62 superficial mood. He said to himself that Maud was out of sorts, that she was overtired and worried.{269}
“Man disquieteth himself in vain,” he said. “It is best to take living very lightly. We all of us have something we want to do or be, and cannot do or be it. We are wise if we let it alone. There is much I want to do and be, and cannot manage it, and every one is in the same plight63. After all, if we aim at being contented64, that is enough.”
Maud got up.
“Aim at being contented? Aim at being in Heaven! We have to remember that we are on earth.”
Tom rose too.
“What is the matter?” he said; “do tell me.”
Again Maud felt stifled65 and choking.
“One is a creature of moods,” she said, “and the heavy moods come, as well as the light. Just now I have a heavy mood. By the way, I shall follow your advice. I am rather overdone66, and I shall leave London for a time. I shall not say I am reading ‘Sordello.’ I think I shall say I am reading the Bible—it is the better book. I shall go before the end of the week: at present I am going now. Give my adieux to your wife. She is more charming than ever!”
But at this moment May came in, and Maud gave her adieux in person. Tom was vaguely67 puzzled.
“It’s very sudden,” he said. “Are you going really?”
“Certainly,” said Maud; “I really am going—I am going away for a whole fortnight. I want tone, and there is no such thing in London.”
Tom laughed.
“I am inclined to agree with you,” he said.
“Well, good-bye,” said Maud; “good-bye, May—that fascinating child is quite too fascinating.”
May sat still a moment after she had gone. “What is the matter with her?” she asked; “what have you been saying, Tom? I never saw her like that.”
“Nor have I,” said he. “I have said nothing. I have no idea what is the matter with her.”
Maud stood on the doorstep, and looked to see if the carriage was in sight, and finding it not there, remembered that her mother had “worked it in,” and began to walk home. But she felt hopelessly ill and weak, and told the man to fetch her a hansom. “O God! how tired I am of it all!” she said to herself.
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ted
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| vt.翻晒，撒，撒开 | |
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visualize
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| vt.使看得见，使具体化，想象，设想 | |
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extraordinarily
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| adv.格外地；极端地 | |
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diabolical
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| adj.恶魔似的，凶暴的 | |
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spartan
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| adj.简朴的，刻苦的；n.斯巴达；斯巴达式的人 | |
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possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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artistic
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| adj.艺术(家)的，美术(家)的；善于艺术创作的 | |
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nervously
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| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
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stimulate
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| vt.刺激，使兴奋；激励，使…振奋 | |
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obedience
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| n.服从，顺从 | |
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dedication
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| n.奉献，献身，致力，题献，献辞 | |
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warped
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| adj.反常的；乖戾的；（变）弯曲的；变形的v.弄弯，变歪( warp的过去式和过去分词 )；使（行为等）不合情理，使乖戾， | |
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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condone
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| v.宽恕；原谅 | |
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loathes
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| v.憎恨，厌恶( loathe的第三人称单数 )；极不喜欢 | |
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testimony
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tiresome
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| adj.令人疲劳的，令人厌倦的 | |
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gathering
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| n.集会，聚会，聚集 | |
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eyebrows
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| 眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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dictate
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| v.口授；(使)听写；指令，指示，命令 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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longing
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descend
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| vt./vi.传下来，下来，下降 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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futile
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| adj.无效的，无用的，无希望的 | |
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gulf
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| n.海湾；深渊，鸿沟；分歧，隔阂 | |
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stifle
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| vt.使窒息；闷死；扼杀；抑止，阻止 | |
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appreciable
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courteous
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uncommonly
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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rouge
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conceal
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mitigate
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conclusive
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| adj.最后的，结论的；确凿的，消除怀疑的 | |
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awry
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| adj.扭曲的，错的 | |
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scent
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| n.气味，香味，香水，线索，嗅觉；v.嗅，发觉 | |
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lodge
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| v.临时住宿，寄宿，寄存，容纳；n.传达室，小旅馆 | |
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wholesome
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| adj.适合；卫生的；有益健康的；显示身心健康的 | |
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delightfully
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| 大喜，欣然 | |
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delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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straightforward
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| adj.正直的，坦率的；易懂的，简单的 | |
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dreading
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| v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的现在分词 ) | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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riveted
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| 铆接( rivet的过去式和过去分词 )； 把…固定住； 吸引； 引起某人的注意 | |
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mite
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| n.极小的东西；小铜币 | |
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49
usurps
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| 篡夺，霸占( usurp的第三人称单数 )； 盗用； 篡夺，篡权 | |
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sparsely
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| adv.稀疏地；稀少地；不足地；贫乏地 | |
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unnatural
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| adj.不自然的；反常的 | |
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biassed
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| （统计试验中）结果偏倚的，有偏的 | |
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horrid
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| adj.可怕的；令人惊恐的；恐怖的；极讨厌的 | |
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54
overdoing
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| v.做得过分( overdo的现在分词 )；太夸张；把…煮得太久；（工作等）过度 | |
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55
pungent
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| adj.（气味、味道）刺激性的，辛辣的；尖锐的 | |
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56
catching
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| adj.易传染的，有魅力的，迷人的，接住 | |
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abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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caresses
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| 爱抚，抚摸( caress的名词复数 ) | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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dreaded
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| adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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63
plight
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| n.困境，境况，誓约，艰难；vt.宣誓，保证，约定 | |
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contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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65
stifled
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| （使）窒息， （使）窒闷( stifle的过去式和过去分词 )； 镇压，遏制； 堵 | |
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66
overdone
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| v.做得过分( overdo的过去分词 )；太夸张；把…煮得太久；（工作等）过度 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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