Parliament was not to rise before the 10th of August, and the Chathams were to remain in London till then. During that fortnight Maud saw Tom constantly, often going to see him and May in Bloomsbury, and Tom, with or without May, more than once coming to see her.
The old camaraderie6 days of Athens seemed to be renewing themselves. Tom found Maud stimulating7 in a way that May could not be, partly because he loved his wife, partly although he loved her. With May his responsibility asserted itself; he was always aware of an increasing anxiety as to what would happen to them all, crouching8 in his mind, ready to spring.{315} And he knew—he could not help knowing—that May did not really understand how essential his art was to him, how inexorable was his inner need of producing the best he could; how bad, how immoral9, the statuette of the boy with the rifle seemed to him. She had not an artistic10 nature, and she had never, except in him, known a man who served that most exacting11 of all mistresses, whose service is a passion to her slaves. For Manvers, as he often said himself, was not like those poets who sing because they must, but those who sing because they choose to sing. He was clever, diabolically13 clever, and he liked to exercise his intelligence.
With Maud then Tom could both throw off, or at least not be scourged14 by, his responsibilities, and also he knew that she understood how terrible the struggle he might have to go through would be. There was always the possibility ahead that no one would want to possess any of the shining gods and goddesses, and if so it was financially impossible for him to go on producing them.
The three were sitting on the balcony where Manvers and Maud had sat alone one night only a month or two ago, and, as usual in her presence, Tom’s Promethean eagle had ceased pecking at him for the time, and had hopped15 away out of sight.
May was feeling a little out of it, and a little neglected, for Tom was talking to Maud in a way he did not talk to her. He was never anything but kind and considerate to her; but the hurried luncheons16 which they ate together in their grilling17 little flat, were often rather silent affairs. If the morning’s work had been satisfactory, Tom was only eager to{316} finish and get to work again; if he had got on badly, the Promethean eagle always seemed aware of it, and applied18 its claws and beak19 to the tenderest places with the accuracy of experience. But with Maud he was altogether different, partly, no doubt, for reasons stated above, and partly also because the most well-mannered and loving husbands do not trouble themselves to talk, if they are not inclined to talk, in the privacy of the domestic luncheon-table. Thirdly, as May knew herself, she was not, as Maud expressed it, a “dialogist,” and it was of dialogists she and Tom were talking now. Incidentally, they were both behaving like dialogists.
“I think,” Maud was saying, “that I’m about the best sort of dialogist. Not only can I talk quite intelligently and agreeably—can’t I, May?—but I’m a first-rate listener.”
“Good listening is not necessary for a dialogist,” said Tom. “Dialogists enjoy themselves most when they both talk together, as we used to do at Athens.”
“Oh, you’re wrong,” said Maud. “Each dialogist must know that the other is sympathique, and the easiest way of conveying that is by listening well.”
“Yes; but I know you are sympathique to me,” said Tom, “so I don’t care whether you listen or not. Besides, listening is rather a despicable quality. I don’t think you’ve got it, you know, so I’m not being rude.”
May got up.
“Well, we must go,” she said. “I said I’d be back by three to take Mr. Thomas out.”
“Oh, don’t go yet,” said Maud. “Why, you’ve only just finished lunch!{317}”
“I must; but Tom can stop here.”
May was conscious that it required a little magnanimity to say this, and at the same time that she threw a pinch of bitterness into her magnanimity. She wished Maud to know that she knew that it was Tom, not herself, Maud wanted to talk to; and though she had not spoken with any idea of her words conveying this, she was not sorry that they might bear such an interpretation21.
But Tom did not dive into such feminine subtleties22, though Maud suspected them.
“I shall stop a bit if I’m not in the way,” he said. “I meant to take a holiday this afternoon, and I shall take it here.”
Maud stood drumming with her fingers on the balustrade for a moment or two after May had gone. This was the first time she had been alone with Tom since her stay in Norfolk, and she revelled23 in her sense of security, for she felt all the old camaraderie feeling, and no touch of any more disturbing results from the companionship, and it was with the air and the words of a comrade that she spoke20.
“I think you ought to have gone with May,” she said. “I can say that to you, for you know how glad I am personally that you stayed.”
Tom looked up.
“Why?”
“Because she wanted you to go. I am sure of that.”
“I don’t think so.”
“But I do,” said Maud. “Don’t be banal24, and say you ought to know because you are her husband. That’s no argument. You are a man, and it is impossible for you to understand a woman as a woman can.{318}”
“But it’s unreasonable25.”
“That, again, is no argument. Oh, good heavens, Tom, if we were all reasonable, what a simple world it would be! And how dull!”
“I’m not sure I don’t prefer dulness to excitement,” said Tom. “Wait till you’ve had a fright, and then see how you appreciate uneventfulness.”
“Ah, but dulness is not a synonym26 for content,” said Maud, speaking from her new experiences. “It is a great mistake to suppose that.”
Tom flicked27 off the end of his cigarette ash. For the last few weeks he had deliberately28 stifled29 certain thoughts, but with Maud there was no need to stifle30 them.
“I am not sure,” he said. “Of course one aims at content—one aims at nothing else. But one aims at it, I think, because one knows it is unattainable. There is no such thing as content for people who are alive—you know what I mean by alive. I think we have talked about it before. For human beings to be content is to be limited.”
“Yes, and to be human is to be limited. I am talking like a maiden31 aunt, I know.”
Tom looked up smiling.
“You have the distinction of having invented the least applicable definition possible of yourself. What’s the opposite to maiden aunt? Married niece, I suppose. There is your label.”
“But I am not married.”
“No; but you unite qualities which are rarely united. You are experienced and you are fresh. How do you do it?”
“I might much more reasonably ask you that.{319}”
“Not at all. At present I feel like a blasé baby.”
“You?”
Tom suddenly became overwhelmingly conscious of all he had stifled so long. His anxieties over petty money matters, the sordidness32 of the life in the little flat in Bloomsbury—all these were trifles; but there were other things which were not trifles. He and May loved each other—that he believed; but apart from their love to each other their passions lay as far sundered34 as the two poles. Each was invisible and incomprehensible to the other.
“It is this,” he said. “I have felt and feel a passion for something which I shall, I am afraid, have to abandon. I am telling you things I have told to no one, hardly to myself. But, as you know, art is a passion to me. There is one art, so I think, and I am trying to realize it. But I have to face the probability that it will not be appreciated—already I call it a probability—and if so, I shall have to abandon it because I have other ties, and the need for bread and butter rightly outweighs36 all else. Not that I am less enthusiastic; but one can neither live nor triumph by enthusiasm. There are claims which outweigh35 all enthusiasms or artistic convictions.”
“Oh, but the two could not actually come in conflict,” said Maud. “It is absurd to suppose that you will have to abandon your ideas of art at the very outset because they are not marketable. Besides, most purchasers are Philistines37.”
“That is exactly what I fear,” said Tom. “Of course I don’t say for a moment that I can produce good things, but I have an idea of beauty, and I must{320} work for that as long as I can. Perhaps great encouragement from any one would mend my case, but the world regards me with disconcerting indifference38. Manvers thinks me a delver39 after uninteresting survivals. He may be right, but again I may be. That the majority of purchasers think Manvers right is of course indisputable.”
“But all this need not make you blasé,” said Maud.
Tom was silent. What he hungered for was active, sincere sympathy from May, but that was not to be had. She seemed to regard the possible abandonment of his practice of art as she would regard any other change of employment, as if, for instance, Tom was a butcher and found it necessary to become a baker40. He had, as he acknowledged to himself, taken an impossible view of all she might be to him. He was in love with her still, as much as, or even more than when they married, but he had realized that she did not and could not sympathize fully41 with his aims. At first it had seemed as if there was nothing she could not do for him, as if they two were wholly and inevitably42 one. But, without loving her the less, he had learned that it was not so. She had one passion, he another, and they had to support their passions singly. But the most rudimentary code of loyalty43 forbade his saying anything of the kind to Maud.
“No; you are right,” he said. “I have a great many illusions left, and one can’t be blasé if one has illusions. Of course I still have the illusion that the Demeter is going to be a masterpiece. But the necessity of wondering whether the masterpiece is marketable clouds the illusion a little.”
“Oh, you are certainly not blasé,” said Maud, with{321} conviction. “How can a man married to a woman he loves, working at what he loves, not only for its sake but to supply her actual needs, be blasé. You ought to keep young for ever.”
“I am a quarter of a century old,” said Tom, “and I should like to live till a hundred. It’s a good thing to be alive. Do you know that line of Whitman’s?—I can’t quote it exactly—‘Let us take hands and help each other to-day, because we are alive together.’”
Maud’s eye kindled44.
“I like great big common ideas like that,” she said. “Mr. Manvers would think it was a sign of approaching bourgeoisie or old age. After all we are alive, and who is to help us except—except each other?” she added, with a fine superiority to grammar, and holding out her hand to Tom.
Tom smiled, and the dimples came. Just now it struck Maud that he was so like his cousin, instead of the other way about.
“I believe you understand me,” he said. “And to understand any one is the greatest benefit you can do him!”
Lady Chatham returned before long from an unnecessary call, undertaken chiefly because the carriage had to go that way, and it was the most convenient thing in the world. She urged Tom to stop for tea, and it was consequently nearly six when he left the house.
His way lay across the park from the Albert Gate to the Marble Arch, and he loitered, for Maud had replenished45 his serenity46, and when we are serene47 we are not in a hurry. It was a hot afternoon, and by the time he got to the Serpentine48 the banks were crowded{322} with bathers. The grass underneath49 the big elm trees on the side of the Row was covered with heaps of clothes, and multitudes of boys and young men were standing50 about on the bank, or swimming. The soft persuasive51 colour of an English evening was there, and the warm languor52 of the south, and Tom stood watching them for some time, feeling rather as if a gallery of antique statues had come to life. Some of the bathers were very well made, one particularly, a boy of about eighteen, who was standing on the bank resting on his foremost foot, the other just touching53 the ground with the toes, his hands clasped behind his head. He was long in the leg, short and slight in the body, and his hair curled crisply on his forehead as in a Greek bronze. Tom told himself that he was Lysippian, and went on his way thinking what a fine subject for a statue Isaac would make—Isaac waiting with the faggots of wood on his shoulder, standing gracefully54, unthinkingly, like the boy he had just seen, not knowing who the victim should be.
May meanwhile had taken Mr. Thomas out for his airing, had had tea alone, and was feeling a little ill-used. Maud had been quite right. Tom, she thought, ought to have come away with her. Why? Well, for no reason except the very important one that he wanted to stop. Then it occurred to her that a candid55 enemy might say she was in danger of becoming jealous of Maud, and the thought of that made her quite angry. But no one had suggested it except herself.
In Tom’s mind the vision of Isaac was supplanted56 by other thoughts. He wondered whether he had{323} said too much, whether by any chance Maud could guess his trouble, for he knew she was skilful57 at reading between the lines, and on his way down Oxford58 Street he determined59 to write her a line in order to counteract60 any such undesirable61 possibility.
May was not in the drawing-room when he got in, and taking up a postcard—for there was nothing private in what he meant to say—he wrote: “I am not blasé at all. Don’t think I am.”
He directed it, and leaving it with two or three others for the post, went to see if May was in yet. He found her with Mr. Thomas, who was a little fractious, and who, on Tom’s entrance, began yelling in a way that shouted volumes for his lungs and larynx. Tom bore it for a minute or two, but as it did not subside62 he shouted out to May across the tumult—
“I’ve only just come in, and if I stop here I shall be deafened63. I shall be in the studio till dinner.”
Mr. Thomas condescended64 to go to sleep after a quarter of an hour or so, and May went to the drawing-room. Tom’s post-card was lying address downwards65, and not thinking what she was doing she read it. It was quite natural and innocent to see to whom he was writing, but when she saw the address she felt a little more ill-used than before.
About a week after this, Maud Wrexham came to see them in Bloomsbury. May was out, and Tom was in despair because the breezy model had taken it into her head to demand a higher wage for standing, and Tom could not afford either to pay her more, or to part with her. He had engaged her till the end of the week at the higher rate, but he knew he could not continue to do so indefinitely. He was walking{324} up and down the studio when Maud was sloppily66 announced by the slip-shod maid—wondering what on earth was to be done.
“May not here,” she said, “and you be-thunder-clouded! What’s the matter?”
Tom related the woes67 of the afternoon, and commented bitterly on the rapacity68 of the human race.
“I really don’t know what to do,” he said. “I can’t possibly keep her on at this rate. It’s hard enough as it is.”
Maud flushed suddenly, and seemed to have something to say.
“We are old friends,” she began at length, “and I don’t think you will be offended at what I am going to say. Will you do me a favour? Will you let me lend you some money?”
Tom stopped suddenly in his walk.
“How could I be offended?” he asked. “It is awfully69 kind of you. For myself I should say ‘Yes’ at once. Why not? But there is May.”
Maud was silent a moment. A vague impatience70 came over her, for she had understood rather more than Tom had meant her to understand a week ago.
“Why should she know?” she asked at length. “It is a matter between you and me. I know some people would refuse such a thing at once. It is such a comfort that you are sensible. I have too much money, you have too little. There can be no reason why I should not lend you some.”
Despite herself she felt a great anxiety that Tom should acquiesce71. The thing was of no importance, but she could not help longing72 that Tom should take{325} her offer, and not let May know. The feeling in her mind was too undefined to lend itself to analysis, but she was conscious of desiring this in some subtle manner beyond her control.
But Tom answered her at once.
“No, I must tell May. It would be out of the question not to tell her. You see that surely. But I thank you again for your offer. I will tell her to-night. Perhaps she will not object; on the other hand, I am afraid she may. I have no such feelings about it. Of course we can go on for a month or so, but what is to happen then? If I could get Demeter finished, and the clay sketch73 of the other done, I shall have done my best, and if no one buys them——”
Maud looked up inquiringly.
“God knows what next,” said Tom. “If May and the baby keep well I can’t bring myself to feel desperate. But if anything demanding expense happens to either of them I don’t know what we shall do.”
“You’re fussed and worried this afternoon,” said Maud, sympathetically. “It’s this bother about the model, and the heat, and so on. This room is awfully hot. Why don’t you have a new blind up?”
Tom laughed rather bitterly.
“New blinds!” he said. “I’m thankful we’ve got some old ones. Thank God May doesn’t know about it all, how near we are to actual want! But I lie awake at night wondering if I ought to tell her. I am worried, I confess it; and I thought I was so sure of myself. I aim at what I believe to be best. I would sooner have produced that”—and he pointed{326} to the Demeter—“than all Manvers’ things, for which he gets what he asks. It will be finished next week, and two or three dealers74 are coming here to look at it. They bought those miserable75 statuettes of mine readily enough.”
“Of course you can’t make any more of those,” said Maud. “I understand that.”
Tom flushed with pleasure.
“I believe you do,” he said, “though I don’t think any one else does. Manvers and Wallingthorpe think it is half out of sheer perversity76 that I make what they call heathen goddesses. But they are wrong. I do it because I must. I may be quite wrong about myself, but I believe I am an artist. If I didn’t think that I should have taken to the statuettes again the moment we lost all our money. They might as well tell me to make plush brackets—which I could probably do tolerably well. If I am not an artist, of course I am wasting my time when I might be earning money, but I can’t sterilize77 that possibility just yet. When you have a passion for a thing, it is not easy to give it all up because you have no bank-notes.”
“It’s hard,” said Maud.
“I cannot serve two masters,” continued Tom, earnestly. “I cannot use the gifts I believe I may possess in any other way than the way I believe to be best. If the worst comes to the worst, if I cannot get my living by—oh, it’s impossible, impossible!” he cried.
Before Maud had time to reply the door opened, and May came in. She, too, saw by Tom’s face that something had happened.{327}
“Why, what’s the matter, Tom?” she asked quickly.
“Nothing, dear,” said he, getting up and recovering himself with an effort. “I have had a row with a model, and she says she won’t sit for me any more at the present terms; and so we parted. May, give us some tea, dear, will you? I want tea badly, and so does Miss Wrexham.”
May looked a little vexed78; she felt she had not been told all. She shook hands with Maud, and remarked, a little curtly79, that she did not know the Chathams were still in London.
“Only a few days more,” said Maud. “How splendidly the Demeter has got on.”
May was a little mollified.
“Yes, Tom’s been working very hard—too hard, I think. He doesn’t take enough exercise.”
“Oh, there’ll be plenty of time for that when she’s finished,” said Tom; “and it’s exercise enough chipping away at that stone.”
“I saw Mr. Holders80 this afternoon,” said May. “Mr. Holders bought one of Tom’s things last winter,” she explained to Maud, “and he wants to know if you have anything else for him. I said there was one unfinished statuette, but I couldn’t get you to finish it. Besides, you’d given it me.”
Tom grinned and stirred his tea.
“No, dear, I should just think you couldn’t get me to finish it,” he said. “May means that little abortion81 on the chimney-piece in the sitting-room82, you know. There’s a horror for you!”
Maud Wrexham soon went away, and the two were left together. May’s thoughts went back to the{328} trouble she had seen on Tom’s face when she entered, and presently she said—
“Tom, what was the matter when I came in?”
“We had been talking about what I told you,” he said. “I can’t possibly afford to give more than I do for models, and I am rather in a hole.”
“Poor old boy!” said she. “But what can we do? You must have a model, you say, and you have to pay her.”
“Unfortunately I have very little to pay her with. We must make the little we have last as long as possible.”
“What did Maud Wrexham say?”
“She offered to lend me some.”
May got up from where she had been sitting next to him with her cheeks blazing. The idea of borrowing at all had been distasteful to her, and the idea that Maud should have offered it was intolerable.
“She offered to lend you money—you? And you—what did you say to her?”
“May dear, don’t behave like that. I said, of course, that I must ask you.”
May was all on fire with indignation. The offer appeared to her an insult, and she smarted under it as a horse under a lash83. She felt that her vague disquietude for the last week or so was explained and justified84. What business had Tom to be on such terms with another? Her anger included Tom too. He had not rejected it with surprise and scorn.
“You said you would consult me?” she asked. “And what answer did you suppose I should give you? Did you think I should say, ‘Take it’? Tom, you know me very little.{329}”
“May, do be reasonable,” said Tom. “Perhaps I ought to have told you sooner, but the state is this: if no one offers to buy the Demeter, we have to face the fact that in a limited time we shall have no money left. What am I to do?”
But May hardly seemed to hear what he said.
“You accepted her offer provisionally!” she exclaimed. “Tom, how could you do it? And you said you would consult me? you told her that? And she knows that you and I are talking the matter over, discussing whether we should be her pensioners85!”
Tom grew impatient.
“My dear, you really are talking nonsense,” he said; “there is no question of being anybody’s pensioners. It is to a certain extent always a matter of time before one is recognized. If I can manage to work on at the things I think worth doing, good. If not, what is to happen to us? Maud Wrexham is an old and great friend of mine. But you are unreasonable. Do not be unreasonable. It is not like you. You have given me your answer, and of course I accept your decision. Don’t let us discuss it any more. It is no manner of use.”
He walked to the door and paused, looking at her. But she made no sign, and he left the room.
Tom stood still for a moment on the narrow landing outside the room. A patch of ruddy sunlight came through the window which lit the stairs and struck on the narrow strip of oilcloth which did duty for a carpet. The window was bordered with hideous86 orange-coloured glass, and a ray through it fell on Tom’s foot as he stood there, and the orange on the{330} blacking made an abhorrent87 tone. He felt beaten and dispirited, and the whole place suddenly seemed intolerably sordid33. The narrow strip of oilcloth was continued along the landing, and was bordered on each side by a foot or two of imperfectly stained board. The banisters were of that particularly flimsy build which is characteristic of cheap lodgings89. There were two bad prints on the walls, one of King Alfred and the cakes, the other of the Duke of Wellington with an impressionist background of the battle of Waterloo. To Tom in his present mood the whole scene seemed to him to be a sort of spectre reflected on to space from his own mind. Everything was unlovely and impossible.
He felt sore and angry with May. She did not understand what his art was to him. She did not understand Maud Wrexham’s offer. She did not understand him. More than once the impulse came on him to go back into the room and try to explain, but it seemed useless. She was angry and indignant, and anger is a bandage over our eyes. And he knew, and was honest enough to confess, that he was angry too, disappointed chiefly, but also angry. Maud’s offer had come to him like manna. For himself he would as soon have thought of not drinking of a spring that suddenly welled up in a desert when he was dying of thirst, as of not accepting it. But May could not understand that. She felt it as an insult to him and to herself, and to disregard May’s feelings was impossible.
He took his hat and went downstairs. It was a broiling90 August afternoon, and the world seemed dying of heat-apoplexy. The streets were breathless{331} and baked, and the sky was brass91. At the corner of the street a watercart had just passed, and Tom stood still a moment inhaling92 a whiff of air which had a certain freshness in it. It reminded him of the smell of a morning in the country, after a rainy night. He knew that he ought to go back and work, but it was not to be done. His heart was heavy and his eye was dull. Well, there was the British Museum only a hundred yards off, and a man must be in a very bad state, he reflected, if the Elgin marbles have nothing to say to him. The place was nearly empty, and he sat down in front of the eternal figures from the Parthenon pediments with a little sigh of relief.
He had made up accounts that morning with infinite difficulty, for it was an operation to which he was not accustomed. The rapidity with which twos and threes added up into tens and twenties seemed to him simply amazing. And really it was absurd that there should only be twenty shillings in a pound. There ought to have been at least twenty-five or thirty. And the net result had been that at their present rate of living they could go on for three weeks more, still leaving the bill for the piece of Carrara unpaid94. He had faced the situation manfully. He had determined to go on for three weeks more, giving his heart and soul to what he thought best in art. But at the end of those three weeks there stood a blank wall, separating him completely and irrevocably from those shining gods and goddesses who were of the golden age. May’s five hundred pounds he had determined quite definitely he could not touch. More than once she had wanted him to let her sell out, and though he had thrilled all over with pleasure that she should make the{332} offer, it was impossible to say yes. There was too much at stake; he might die and leave her alone with the baby. Mr. Markham’s tithes95 had been falling off lately, and if she went to live with him, as she would have to do, she must be able to help in household expenses.
But for the half-hour that he sat before the marbles he forgot it all. What did it matter after all if he produced beautiful things or not? Beautiful things had been produced; the high-water mark of art had been touched. A race of men had produced a race of gods, and he felt himself becoming sanely96 and healthily small in his own eyes. Meantime May was at home; they had parted in anger and indignation. Poor darling! perhaps she was unhappy, perhaps she thought he did not care—that he was angry with her. Tom smiled inwardly at the absurdity97 of the thought, and half unconsciously took off his hat as he looked his last at the still marble figures and thanked them for what they had taught him.
But into May’s mind there had definitely entered that afternoon a certain subtle poison. For such a poison there is one unfailing antidote98 which Tom held, and it is pure love. But when that poison, which is as minute in dose as a drop of morphia injected from a silver syringe, has once entered the system, however plentifully99 the antidote is administered the body is never quite as healthy again as it was before. Where the syringe has pricked100 the skin there is a little sore spot, and now and again the nerves shrink instinctively101 at the thought that perhaps it may be introduced again. And the clear drop which it holds is called jealousy102. For the last week, and once before that—one night soon after{333} they had come up to London for the first time, when she and Maud and Manvers and Tom had dined together—she had seen the little green-eyed fiend hovering103 round her, and been vaguely104 disquieted105 at him. She thought that Tom felt more interest in Maud than he did in her. She could not talk smartly, she could not say those rather amusing things, which meant nothing, with which Maud was so glib106, and which Tom apparently107 enjoyed hearing. But after that the baby had been born, and the little green-eyed fiend had put his syringe in his pocket and gone away. But for the last week he had been about, and this afternoon he had come again, and had said, “Allow me—or would you rather do it for yourself?” and had just pricked her with that fine point, and the poison was coursing through her veins108.
Anger is blinding, but jealousy is blind: she could not be reasonable, and she would not. Tom had disgraced himself and degraded her, and his step was on the stairs. Her anger would have allowed her to throw herself into his arms, and say, “Forgive me, Tom, I was angry,” but her jealousy forbade her. So she stood where she was with her back to the window, so that her face was in shadow, and when he came in she neither spoke nor gave any sign.
He sat down near her, and after a moment’s silence held out his hand to her. May had long white fingers, and they often sat together talking, she twining her fingers into his, and the action was common with him. But she stood quite still, and his hand dropped again to his side. At length he spoke.
“May, how can you treat me like this?” he said. “What have I not done that I can do? It was not{334} very pleasant to have you speak to me as you spoke this afternoon; but I accepted your decision at once; I did not attempt to persuade you?”
“It would not have been much use trying,” said May in a high cool voice.
“I should not have tried in any case,” said he. “I only wished to know what you thought, and I was content to abide109 absolutely by your decision.”
“Why did you open the subject again, then,” said she with a sudden spasm110 of jealousy, “unless it was to try to persuade me?”
Tom thought of the marble figures he had been looking at, and remembered what they had taught him.
“May dear, please don’t speak to me like that,” he said quietly. “You know—you know that was not the reason.”
“Then what was the reason?”
“The look of your face and the tone of your voice was the reason. You are not generous to me; you will not meet me halfway111 or go a step towards me.”
“No, you are right. Do you expect me to come towards you on that road?”
“On what road?” asked Tom, wonderingly.
Then quite suddenly and for the first time the real reason for his wife’s attitude struck him. He got up and stood before her, and at that moment she was desperately112 afraid of him. The anger which had possessed113 her seemed to have transferred itself to him.
“May, how dare you think that?” he asked. “Are you not ashamed of yourself?”
The least tremor114 passed through her, and she stood there not daring to meet his eyes. The next moment he had turned from her and was walking towards the{335} door. Once she tried to find her voice and failed, but before he had left the room she managed to speak.
“Tom, wait a minute,” she said.
He turned at once. He had been longing with all his soul that she should say just that one word. He had been horribly wounded by her. Yet he felt that he had never cared for her before as he cared now. He crossed the room, sat down where he had sat before, and waited. The next moment she had flung herself on her knees by him, and her face was buried on his shoulder.
“My poor darling! what is it?” whispered Tom. “No, dear, don’t tell me yet; wait a moment—yes, wait so. Come closer to me, May, closer. Your place is here.”
In a few minutes her wild sobbing115 had become less passionate116, and she raised her face to his.
“I want to tell you,” she said. “I could never look you in the face again unless I told you. You know, but I must tell you. I thought—oh, Tom, Tom, what a brute117 I have been—I thought you cared for her, that she amused you, when I didn’t. I can’t amuse you, I know. I’m not amusing by nature, dear. And—and I thought your being willing to accept money from her, when you wouldn’t let me sell out mine and give it you, meant just that. I wish you would take it, Tom. Tom, I can’t tell you how I want to do something for you. Or take hers—that would be better. It will show that I know what a brute I have been, if I ask you to. Please do, Tom. But say you forgive me first. Oh, I have spoiled it all—it can never be the same again!”
She spoke with the fatal conviction of experience.{336} She had felt poisonous jealousy run through her veins—a poison that cannot but leave some trace behind. But of that Tom knew nothing.
And Tom forgave her from the fulness of his heart, and he believed that he could forget what had passed, hoping an impossible thing. All events and memories, as scientists tell us, write their record on our brains, as the sea writes its ripples118 on the sand, and there they remain till the sweet hand of death smooths the wrinkles out.
That evening Tom wrote to Maud, thanking her again for her offer, but refusing it. On that point he could not give way. He himself felt as acutely, or more acutely than May had done that afternoon, that to accept it now was impossible. And he began to learn at once that bitter lesson, even in the first glow of their reconciliation119, the impossibility of forgetting. The thing had been like a thunderstorm which had passed over and left the air fresh and cool, but in the foreground stood the tree stripped and split by the lightning.
All that week Tom worked as he had never worked before. Doubts, fears, and disappointments left him when he took up his chisel120. The statue was approaching completion, he had finished with the claw chisel, and was working only with the fine point. Sometimes as he entered the studio, his heart gave a sudden throb121. Was his dream really coming true? Was the Demeter really good—of the best? An artist’s conceptions are his religion, and when he sees his religion becoming incarnate122 before him how can he but be filled with joy and trembling? He knew that he saw before him his conception. The{337} thing was as he had meant it to be. He had realized his best.
And when she stood there finished, artists and others came and looked and admired, and went away again. The Academy, they thought, would be sure to take it; it was admirably conceived and wonderfully executed. But how on earth would Tom get it down those little front stairs? Ha, ha! he would have to take the roof off, or break off Demeter’s arm and say she was an antique.
But Tom felt singularly content. It was done: he had touched his own high-water mark, and if no one else cared what cause was there for blame or regret? The moment which he had feared and dreaded123 had come and passed. Manvers was quite right; no one wanted the Demeter. They said it was beautiful; some one had said it was Praxitelean, and that was enough. And for the next three or four days he waited, doing nothing, walking out with May when the day grew cooler, going through any amount of baby cult93, serene and content, knowing that in a little while the pause would inevitably be over, and that he would have to do something—what he knew not. He spent two days in shaping a little wax model of Persephone, which was to have been his next statue, lingeringly, lovingly, regretfully, knowing he would never make it.
About a week after Demeter had been finished, the end came. The baby had not been well, and May, who was not usually anxious, had sent for the doctor. Tom was out when he came, and she sat alone in the gathering124 dusk waiting for him to come in. The room was nearly dark, and her chair was{338} in the shadow, so that when Tom entered the room he did not see her at once.
“May, are you there?” he said.
May’s voice answered him, and he sat down beside her.
“I sent for the doctor this evening, Tom,” she said; “baby’s not well.”
“What did he say?”
“He said there was nothing really wrong, but that we ought to leave town—to take baby to the seaside or somewhere. It’s this heat and stuffy125 air. The nursery is terribly hot, you know; and I have to shut the window, or the noise in the streets wakes him.”
Tom got up and walked up and down the room.
“There’s hardly any money,” he said. “I don’t see how we can manage it.”
“Mr. Holders was here again this afternoon,” she said, “and he saw the statuette—that little half-finished one you gave me. He said it was so good, and told me to ask you to finish it at once for him. He said it was the best thing you had ever done.”
There was a long pause. Tom stopped in his walk and stood with his forehead pressed against the window. The sun had just gone down, but the west was still luminous126.
“She cannot understand,” he thought to himself. “She will never understand.”
And to confirm his thought, after a few moments May spoke again.
“I know how distasteful it will be to you, dear, because of course the other style is what you really like. But we must have money. Even if baby was{339} quite well we should only be putting it off a little longer. And then if you will do that, and perhaps do one or two more, you will have money enough to go on with what you like. Mr. Holders admired it so awfully. He said it was the best thing you had ever done, and he is a very good critic, isn’t he?”
But still Tom did not answer. His time had come, and he knew it, but he lingered a moment more by the window looking at the red colour in the west. At last he turned and sat down by her. She took his hand and twined her fingers into his.
“Yes, darling, you are quite right,” he said. “I will finish it at once; and then we’ll take baby off to some seaside place, and—and build sand-castles, and have a little jaunt127 generally.”
* * * * *
May went to bed early that night, and when the house was still Tom took up the little rough sketch of Persephone, and with a candle in his hand went into the studio. Demeter stood shining there, her head bent128 in sorrow for her child. Tom looked at her long and steadily129. The candle threw her shadow vaguely and distortedly on to the walls and ceiling, but the statue itself stood out radiantly from the obscurity round. He took hold of the cold marble hand and stood there looking up to the down-bent face.
“Good-bye,” he whispered. “You are not wanted. And I—I have another goddess and another child.{340}”
EPILOGUE.
Tom and Manvers were sitting at the bottom of a punt in one of the upper reaches of the Thames on a September afternoon. Tom had taken out a fishing-rod, but it was too hot to do more than smoke. Smoke produces silence, and neither had spoken for some time. Manvers had arrived ten days ago, and was staying with Tom in a small house he had lately bought, in which he spent the summer months.
“It’s only three years since I saw you last,” he said at length, “but you look more than three years older.”
Tom took his pipe out of his mouth and blew away a cloud of blue smoke.
“I feel eighty-four,” he said. “Prosperity isn’t so soothing130 as I was led to believe. I think worrying and fighting would have kept me young. You are the only person who always remains131 twenty-five. How have you managed it?”
“Growing old is absolutely a matter of will,” said Manvers. “It is like Alice eating the mushroom to make her grow tall or short. You can eat which side of it you like: one side makes you old, the other keeps you young. No one need grow old unless he likes. The secret is to take nothing seriously. I only once took anything seriously, and it made me three years older in a single night. Consequently I am twenty-eight, not twenty-five.”
“What was that?” asked Tom, listlessly.
“I took Miss Wrexham seriously. I asked her to marry me. That was just three years ago.”
“Poor old boy! Why didn’t you tell me? Are you going to try your fate again? She is coming down here in a week.{341}”
Manvers looked up.
“The deuce she is! No; the incident is closed.”
“Were you badly hurt?”
“I found everything distasteful for a time, but I recovered. Life is so amusingly improbable. Fancy my doing that sort of thing! However, it was very useful; I learned several lessons.”
“What did you learn?”
“I learned that nothing can really damage one’s capacity for enjoyment132. Don’t think I wasn’t in earnest about it; I was in deadly earnest. The second was that homme propose. It is a truism, of course, but it is useful to find by experience that a truism is true. I have yet to learn who disposes,” he added. “I must say I have never personally experienced the last part of the proverb. By the way, I was talking to an old model the other day who was sitting to me for my ‘Fourth Act’—the thing of the woman with the fan—and she said, ‘Man appoints, God disappoints.’ But woman usually disappoints. And the third thing I learned was that the most foolish thing in the world is to be serious. While one can certainly amuse one’s self it is idle to forego that bird in the hand for a problematic bird in the bush.”
“I wish I could learn one thing a year,” said Tom, “as you have been doing. I should be getting confoundedly wise by now.”
“You always used to be learning things,” remarked the other. “I remember you used to discover the secret of life about every other day.”
“I have unlearned a good many things, unfortunately.”
“It’s my turn to catechise. What have you unlearned?{342}”
“I have unlearned my theory that I could do all I wanted. I have unlearned my conviction that one made one’s own limitations—that one could ever be certain about anything. In a way, I have all a reasonable man could want. I have May, I have three healthy children, I have fame—fame of a damnable kind, it is true—but there was a time when I shouldn’t have been satisfied with anything. I longed to stretch out my arms round the whole world, to take the whole world into my grasp. But now I know I cannot do it, and, what is worse, I do not want to do it. I acquiesce in my own limitations. What can be sadder than that?”
“If you are happy nothing matters.”
“I might once have been happier. I gave up what I believed I could do, and what I believed was supremely133 well worth doing. I am an apostate134. Apostates135 may be very happy—they are rid of the thumbscrew and the boiling lead—but I wonder if they ever lose that little cankerworm of shame.”
“My dear Tom, what nonsense! You tried to fly, and before you had succeeded some one took your apparatus136 away. Of course it is only natural for you to think that you might have flown if you had been left with your apparatus, but you never could have. Besides, you are rich now; you have your apparatus again.”
Tom frowned.
“Cannot you understand?” he said, impatiently. “Good God, it is so simple! Stevenson says somewhere that three pot-boilers will destroy any talent. I must have made twenty pot-boilers at least. Don’t you see that what I am regretting is that I no longer want to fly? The chances are a thousand to one{343} that I never could have. But that blessed illusion that I could fly has gone.”
“You took it too seriously.”
“I did, much too seriously. I don’t take things seriously now; I have lost the trick. But how I long to be able to! I was mad, no doubt: you often told me so. But it was a very sweet madness. All enthusiasm is madness according to you. But according to enthusiasts137, enthusiasm is the only sanity138. I oughtn’t to complain. I sail closer to the shore. It is really much safer and pleasanter. Indeed, we are thinking of taking a house at Cambridge. It will be nice to have Ted5 near. If one wants to be happy, one ought to have no ill-balanced enthusiasms. They are very disturbing while they last, and they leave one as flat as a pancake. But when you have once tasted them, though you may have lost them entirely139, you can never wholly forget their wonderful intoxication140. One of those French enthusiasts says that one must be drunk on something—on life or love, or virtue141 or vice12, it does not matter which.”
“I, too, am very catholic,” murmured Manvers, “I appreciate virtue as little as I dislike vice. It is all a question of temperament142.”
“Yes, temperament. That is another thing I have unlearned. There was a time when I was convinced that no man need be in the clutch of his temperament. I believed that one was free. One is not. One is in endless, hopeless bondage143 to one’s temperament.”
“You are pessimistic this afternoon.”
“It is a relative term. I am really optimistic, though I allow my optimism would have seemed pessimism144 to me three years ago.{344}”
“I don’t quite see from what standpoint you can be considered optimistic,” remarked Manvers.
“I appreciate fully all I have got. I think the lines are laid for me in pleasant places. That is surely the whole essence of optimism. I believe that everything is for the best, and that if the best seems second-rate to me, it is I who am wrong. I love May more than I love any one in this world, and she is my wife. I have money, which is a hateful necessity, but as necessary as it is hateful. And I have a good digestion145.”
Tom leant back and beat out the ashes from his pipe against the side of the boat. They would not come out at first, but eventually the whole dottel of the pipe fell into the water with a subdued146 hiss147. Some vague note of thought twanged in his brain, and he paused for a moment, frowning slightly, and trying to catch the remembrance which the sound had stirred. After a little he smiled rather sadly, and not with the completeness which a smile of pure amusement or of pure happiness has in it.
“I used to do that over King’s bridge at Cambridge,” he said irrelevantly148; “and I thought it seemed so like what I was going to do myself. I meant to go through darkness, and then make a splash.”
“The end of your pipe made a very little splash,” said Manvers.
“Oh yes, a very little splash. All splashes are little; but splashes are rare. Most people slide into the water anyhow, and are content to be seen swimming.”
“The world would count you singularly happy.”
“Of course it would; it would be wrong if it did not. But—but what I mean is that I might have been happier, and May might have been happier.”
Manvers looked up in surprise.{345}
“I don’t understand,” he said.
Tom sat up and played rather nervously149 with the tassel150 of the cushion on which he was sitting.
“Surely it is simple enough,” he said. “I have acquiesced151 in limitations. May is devoted152 to me—as much devoted to me as I am to her, I think. But don’t you see there is less of me than there might have been. There is less of me to love and to be loved—God knows, it is all perfect enough in its own scale. But there might have been another scale. And now”—he dropped his hands and sat upright, looking at Manvers—“and now we are measured by yards, not by metres.”
A little wind stirred suddenly in the elm trees by the bank and ruffled153 the surface of the water. A fish rose in mid-stream beyond the boat, and the current carried the concentric ripples down with it. Behind, the little rambling154 red-brick house stood sunning its southern front, and on the lawn, in the shadow of a tall copper155 beech156, they could see the glimmer157 of a figure in a white dress sitting in a low basket chair. Tom turned as he spoke and looked half involuntarily at it.
“Come,” he said; “May will be waiting for us. We are going to have tea early, and then go for a row up the river. We are going to do many pleasant things.”
The boat was anchored among some flowering rushes; a few strokes of the punt pole sent it back to the bottom of the lawn. They strolled up together to where May was sitting, and she welcomed them with that brilliant smile which was so natural to her.
“Tom has been so sombre this last day or two,” she said to Manvers. “I hope you have been cheering him up.”
“I don’t think there is much the matter with him,” said Manvers. “He says he feels optimistic.{346}”
“Manvers called me pessimistic,” remarked Tom; “but that is only a most flagrant instance of his own pessimism. He sees everything through his own spectacles.”
May raised her eyebrows158.
“What frightfully contradictory159 accounts,” she said. “Oh, Tom, by the way, there is a man here who has come from the station to have the carriage of the Demeter paid. It is fifteen pounds. Surely that is an awful lot. I thought I had better ask you before I paid it.”
Manvers looked inquiringly at Tom.
“Have you the Demeter here?” he asked.
“Yes; I bought it back from Lord Henderson. He was very nice about it. He saw I really wanted it, and he let me have it for what he had paid for it. He bought it, you know, as a piece of cultured lumber160, perhaps also as a species of charity, and he has sold it for charity. It came two days ago. I told them to unpack161 it this morning. Where have you had it put, May?”
“In your study, dear, where you said you wanted it. They unpacked162 it to-day. But surely fifteen pounds is too much for the carriage, Tom?”
Tom’s eyes wandered over the lawn, but came back to May.
“Yes, it seems a good deal. But I wanted it, you know, and one pays anything for what one wants; in fact, one often pays a good deal for what one doesn’t want.”
“You can’t say that that speech is optimistic,” said Manvers, triumphantly163.
“No, I don’t defend it,” said Tom. “May dear, let’s come in and have tea now. It is getting much cooler, and then we can start in half an hour.{347}”
May rose and walked with Manvers towards the house. Tom strolled on a few steps ahead of them. As they reached the terrace which ran along the front of the house he turned.
“I don’t think you ever saw the Demeter finished,” he said to Manvers. “Come with me and look at it.”
“Yes, let’s all go and see it,” said May. “It looks so nice in that corner, with the dark red paper behind, Tom. I went to see it just before I came out.”
Tom’s room opened out of the hall, opposite the drawing-room. Just as they got to the door he stopped and spoke to May without looking at her.
“Then will you have us told when tea is ready, dear?” he said.
May had intended to come in with them, but something in Tom’s voice made her hesitate.
“Yes; don’t be long,” she said; “and don’t get to talking shop about it. We shall never start if you do.”
Tom opened the door for Manvers and shut it again after they had entered. The sun was already getting low, and a great blaze of light came in almost horizontally through the open window and shone full on the statue. Tom sat down opposite it, and Manvers stood near him. In the ruddy glow of the evening the white marble was flushed with delicate red, and for the first time Manvers really appreciated the noble conception of it—about the execution he had never had any doubt.
They sat there in silence for some time, and then Tom got up.
“Do you see,” he said rather huskily, “do you see what I mean when I say that I might have—might have——”
He turned abruptly164. On the floor was lying the{348} sheet in which the statue had been wrapped. He took it up quickly and flung it over it.
“We all have ghosts in our houses,” he said; “but we can at least veil them a little. Besides,” he added, “to go back to what I was saying about my optimism, I have had three crises, three revelations—unimportant little revelations no doubt—in my life. I think I told you and Maud Wrexham about them one evening, oh, ever so long ago!”
“I remember,” said Manvers.
“Well, to have had a crisis is in itself a most delightful165 experience, but if your crisis remains, so to speak, critical, you ought to be perfectly88 happy. Two of my crises were still-born. The crisis I had when I saw the Hermes at Olympia has come to nothing.”
“Do you call that nothing?” said Manvers, pointing to the shrouded166 Demeter.
“Worse than nothing. It is a dead child. It had better never have been born. And the crisis I had, or thought I had, when the baby was born is—is yet unfulfilled. But my third crisis remains critical. I met May, I loved her, I love her. But the ghosts, the ghosts——”
They left the room. In the hall was the three-year-old Thomas, being towed sideways across the hall by his nurse, going out for a walk. Tom took the youngster up in his arms and turned to Manvers with a smile.
“I am a fool if I cannot lay my ghosts,” he said.
THE END.
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harmonious
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| adj.和睦的，调和的，和谐的，协调的 | |
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intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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well-being
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| n.安康，安乐，幸福 | |
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recuperated
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| v.恢复（健康、体力等），复原( recuperate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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ted
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| vt.翻晒，撒，撒开 | |
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camaraderie
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| n.同志之爱，友情 | |
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stimulating
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crouching
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| v.屈膝，蹲伏( crouch的现在分词 ) | |
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immoral
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artistic
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| adj.艺术(家)的，美术(家)的；善于艺术创作的 | |
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exacting
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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diabolically
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scourged
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hopped
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| 跳上[下]( hop的过去式和过去分词 )； 单足蹦跳； 齐足（或双足）跳行； 摘葎草花 | |
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luncheons
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grilling
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applied
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beak
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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interpretation
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| n.解释，说明，描述；艺术处理 | |
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subtleties
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| 细微( subtlety的名词复数 )； 精细； 巧妙； 细微的差别等 | |
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revelled
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banal
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unreasonable
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synonym
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flicked
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| （尤指用手指或手快速地）轻击( flick的过去式和过去分词 )； （用…）轻挥； （快速地）按开关； 向…笑了一下（或瞥了一眼等） | |
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deliberately
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stifled
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stifle
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maiden
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sordidness
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sundered
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outweigh
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outweighs
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philistines
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| n.市侩，庸人( philistine的名词复数 )；庸夫俗子 | |
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indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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delver
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| 有耐性而且勤勉的研究者，挖掘器 | |
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baker
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| n.面包师 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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inevitably
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| adv.不可避免地；必然发生地 | |
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loyalty
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| n.忠诚，忠心 | |
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kindled
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| （使某物）燃烧，着火( kindle的过去式和过去分词 )； 激起（感情等）； 发亮，放光 | |
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45
replenished
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| 补充( replenish的过去式和过去分词 )； 重新装满 | |
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46
serenity
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| n.宁静，沉着，晴朗 | |
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47
serene
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| adj. 安详的，宁静的，平静的 | |
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48
serpentine
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| adj.蜿蜒的，弯曲的 | |
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49
underneath
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| adj.在...下面，在...底下；adv.在下面 | |
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50
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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51
persuasive
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| adj.有说服力的，能说得使人相信的 | |
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52
languor
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| n.无精力，倦怠 | |
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53
touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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54
gracefully
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| ad.大大方方地；优美地 | |
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55
candid
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| adj.公正的，正直的；坦率的 | |
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56
supplanted
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| 把…排挤掉，取代( supplant的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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57
skilful
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| (=skillful)adj.灵巧的，熟练的 | |
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58
Oxford
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| n.牛津（英国城市） | |
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59
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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60
counteract
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| vt.对…起反作用，对抗，抵消 | |
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61
undesirable
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| adj.不受欢迎的，不良的，不合意的，讨厌的；n.不受欢迎的人，不良分子 | |
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62
subside
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| vi.平静，平息；下沉，塌陷，沉降 | |
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63
deafened
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| 使聋( deafen的过去式和过去分词 )； 使隔音 | |
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64
condescended
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| 屈尊，俯就( condescend的过去式和过去分词 )； 故意表示和蔼可亲 | |
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65
downwards
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| adj./adv.向下的（地），下行的（地） | |
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66
sloppily
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| adv.马虎地，草率地 | |
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67
woes
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| 困境( woe的名词复数 )； 悲伤； 我好苦哇； 某人就要倒霉 | |
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68
rapacity
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| n.贪婪，贪心，劫掠的欲望 | |
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69
awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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70
impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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71
acquiesce
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| vi.默许，顺从，同意 | |
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72
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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73
sketch
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| n.草图；梗概；素描；v.素描；概述 | |
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74
dealers
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| n.商人( dealer的名词复数 )；贩毒者；毒品贩子；发牌者 | |
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75
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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76
perversity
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| n.任性；刚愎自用 | |
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77
sterilize
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| vt.使不结果实；使绝育；使无效；杀菌，消毒 | |
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78
vexed
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| adj.争论不休的；（指问题等）棘手的；争论不休的问题；烦恼的v.使烦恼( vex的过去式和过去分词 )；使苦恼；使生气；详细讨论 | |
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79
curtly
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| adv.简短地 | |
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80
holders
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| 支持物( holder的名词复数 )； 持有者； （支票等）持有人； 支托（或握持）…之物 | |
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81
abortion
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| n.流产，堕胎 | |
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82
sitting-room
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| n.（BrE）客厅，起居室 | |
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83
lash
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| v.系牢；鞭打；猛烈抨击；n.鞭打；眼睫毛 | |
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84
justified
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| a.正当的，有理的 | |
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85
pensioners
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| n.领取退休、养老金或抚恤金的人( pensioner的名词复数 ) | |
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86
hideous
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| adj.丑陋的，可憎的，可怕的，恐怖的 | |
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87
abhorrent
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| adj.可恶的，可恨的，讨厌的 | |
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88
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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89
lodgings
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| n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍 | |
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90
broiling
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| adj.酷热的，炽热的，似烧的v.（用火）烤（焙、炙等）( broil的现在分词 )；使卷入争吵；使混乱；被烤（或炙） | |
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91
brass
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| n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器 | |
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92
inhaling
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| v.吸入( inhale的现在分词 ) | |
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93
cult
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| n.异教，邪教；时尚，狂热的崇拜 | |
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94
unpaid
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| adj.未付款的，无报酬的 | |
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95
tithes
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| n.（宗教捐税）什一税，什一的教区税，小部分( tithe的名词复数 ) | |
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96
sanely
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| ad.神志清楚地 | |
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97
absurdity
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| n.荒谬，愚蠢；谬论 | |
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98
antidote
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| n.解毒药，解毒剂 | |
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99
plentifully
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| adv. 许多地，丰饶地 | |
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100
pricked
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| 刺，扎，戳( prick的过去式和过去分词 )； 刺伤； 刺痛； 使剧痛 | |
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101
instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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102
jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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103
hovering
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| 鸟( hover的现在分词 )； 靠近（某事物）； （人）徘徊； 犹豫 | |
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104
vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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105
disquieted
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| v.使不安，使忧虑，使烦恼( disquiet的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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106
glib
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| adj.圆滑的，油嘴滑舌的 | |
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107
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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108
veins
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| n.纹理；矿脉( vein的名词复数 )；静脉；叶脉；纹理 | |
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109
abide
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| vi.遵守；坚持；vt.忍受 | |
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110
spasm
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| n.痉挛，抽搐；一阵发作 | |
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111
halfway
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| adj.中途的，不彻底的，部分的；adv.半路地，在中途，在半途 | |
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112
desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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113
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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114
tremor
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| n.震动，颤动，战栗，兴奋，地震 | |
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115
sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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116
passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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117
brute
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| n.野兽，兽性 | |
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118
ripples
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| 逐渐扩散的感觉( ripple的名词复数 ) | |
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119
reconciliation
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| n.和解，和谐，一致 | |
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120
chisel
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| n.凿子；v.用凿子刻，雕，凿 | |
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121
throb
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| v.震颤，颤动；(急速强烈地)跳动，搏动 | |
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122
incarnate
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| adj.化身的，人体化的，肉色的 | |
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123
dreaded
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| adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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124
gathering
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| n.集会，聚会，聚集 | |
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125
stuffy
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| adj.不透气的，闷热的 | |
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126
luminous
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| adj.发光的，发亮的；光明的；明白易懂的；有启发的 | |
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127
jaunt
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| v.短程旅游；n.游览 | |
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128
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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129
steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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130
soothing
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| adj.慰藉的；使人宽心的；镇静的 | |
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131
remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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132
enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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133
supremely
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| adv.无上地，崇高地 | |
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134
apostate
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| n.背叛者，变节者 | |
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135
apostates
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| n.放弃原来信仰的人( apostate的名词复数 )；叛教者；脱党者；反叛者 | |
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136
apparatus
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| n.装置，器械；器具，设备 | |
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137
enthusiasts
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| n.热心人，热衷者( enthusiast的名词复数 ) | |
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138
sanity
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| n.心智健全，神智正常，判断正确 | |
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139
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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140
intoxication
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| n.wild excitement;drunkenness；poisoning | |
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141
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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142
temperament
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| n.气质，性格，性情 | |
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143
bondage
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| n.奴役，束缚 | |
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144
pessimism
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| n.悲观者，悲观主义者，厌世者 | |
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145
digestion
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| n.消化，吸收 | |
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146
subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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147
hiss
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| v.发出嘶嘶声；发嘘声表示不满 | |
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148
irrelevantly
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| adv.不恰当地，不合适地；不相关地 | |
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149
nervously
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| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
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150
tassel
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| n.流苏，穗；v.抽穗， （玉米）长穗须 | |
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151
acquiesced
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| v.默认，默许( acquiesce的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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152
devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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153
ruffled
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| adj. 有褶饰边的, 起皱的 动词ruffle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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154
rambling
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| adj.[建]凌乱的，杂乱的 | |
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155
copper
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| n.铜；铜币；铜器；adj.铜(制)的；(紫)铜色的 | |
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156
beech
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| n.山毛榉；adj.山毛榉的 | |
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157
glimmer
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| v.发出闪烁的微光；n.微光，微弱的闪光 | |
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158
eyebrows
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| 眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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159
contradictory
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| adj.反驳的，反对的，抗辩的；n.正反对，矛盾对立 | |
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160
lumber
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| n.木材，木料；v.以破旧东西堆满；伐木；笨重移动 | |
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161
unpack
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| vt.打开包裹（或行李），卸货 | |
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162
unpacked
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| v.从（包裹等）中取出（所装的东西），打开行李取出( unpack的过去式和过去分词 )；拆包；解除…的负担；吐露（心事等） | |
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163
triumphantly
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| ad.得意洋洋地；得胜地；成功地 | |
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164
abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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165
delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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166
shrouded
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| v.隐瞒( shroud的过去式和过去分词 )；保密 | |
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