I have before me one of those little exercise-books whose covers are gay with pictures of soldiers or rural scenes. It is Rose's diary. I received it this morning, I have read it and it has left me both pleased and touched.
It is a very simple and rather commonplace narrative1, but one which, in my eyes, has the outstanding merit of sincerity2. To me it represents the story of a real living creature, of a woman whom I saw yesterday, whom I shall see to-morrow and whose suffering is but a step removed from my happiness. The smallest details of that story have a familiar voice and aspect....
Poor girl! Would not one think that an evil genius had taken pleasure in playing with her destiny, like a child playing at ball? She was born of poor parents. Her father, a carpenter, was a drunkard and frequently out of work. He would often come home at night intoxicated3, when he would beat
his wife and threaten to kill her. Coarse scenes, visions of murder, screams, oaths and suppressed weeping were the first images and the first sounds that stamped themselves on Rose's memory. One's heart bleeds to think of those child-souls which open in the same hour to the light of day and to horror, gaining their knowledge of life whilst trembling lest they should lose it. We see them caught in a hurricane of madness, like little leaves whirling in the storm; and to the end of their days they will shudder4 at the thought of it.
She was left an orphan5 at the age of six. A neighbour offered to take her, a wealthy and devout6 old man, who sent her to the Nuns7 of the Visitation at the neighbouring town.
Of those quiet, uneventful years in the convent there is nothing in particular to record. The child is perfectly8 happy, nor could she be otherwise, for she is naturally reasonable and she is in no danger of forgetting how kind fate has been to her. She pictures what she might have been, she sees what she is; and her soul is full of gladness.
In January 18—, Rose is seventeen. She is to pass her examinations the following summer. Her diary here gives evidence of a steadfast9 and wholehearted
optimism; she views the future with joyous10 eyes, or rather she does not see it at all, which is the surest way of smiling at it cheerfully. Her eyes are still the eyes of a child, to whom the convent-garden is a world and the present hour an eternity11.
Unfortunately, she had a rude awakening12 to life. The old man who had adopted her died after a few days' illness, without having time to make arrangements for her future. The good sisters at once wrote to her grandmother; and, the next day, Rose was packed off to Sainte-Colombe with a parcel of indulgences, a few sacred medals and a scapular round her neck. What more can a young life want to stay its uncertain steps?
2
From that moment, I see her delicate profile stand out against a background of pain and sorrow, like a lovely cameo whose dainty workmanship has been obliterated13 by the hand of time. Moral suffering can refine and accentuate14 the character of a beautiful face, is indeed nearly always kind to it. But here the mental distress15 was only the feeble reflection of a crushing and deadening material torture. In the
evenings, when the hour of rest came at last, Rose, exhausted16, accepted it dully; her whole body called for oblivion; her heavy eyelids17 drooped18; and her submerged wretchedness had no time for tears.
How could the poor girl make any resistance? Her environment was too hostile, her disposition19 too gentle and the task laid upon her too oppressive.
The very look of her diary, during those Sainte-Colombe days, tells us her story far better than the words which it contains. The first few pages are filled with wild and incoherent sentences. There are passages that can scarcely be deciphered and others blotted20 with tears. Her suffering is not sufficiently21 well-expressed for it to be understood and more or less identified, but it can be felt and divined: it is a landscape of pain, it is the sight of an inner life which has received a grievous wound and whose blood is gushing22 forth23 in torrents24.
And then hope is exhausted drop by drop; and with it go anger and resistance. Everything goes under, grows still and silent. For months, Rose hardly touches her diary: here and there, scattered25 on pages bearing no date, are occasional melancholy26 reflections, the last flickers27 of an expiring consciousness....
It is then, no doubt, that one day she flies to death for deliverance. She is saved, but for a long time remains28 ill and weak. When she recovers her health, her spirit is finally broken. In silence and gloom, she drowns all feeling in work too heavy for her strength.
3
In the district they blame this young girl who, after receiving a good education, has acquiesced29 in this miserable30 existence. And yet I find a thousand reasons which explain her conduct and cannot find one for condemning31 it. Rose's soul is still in the chrysalis-stage. Ignorant of her own strength and qualities, how could she make use of them?
Is not this the case with most young girls? If our moral transformations32 could bring about physical changes, if a woman, like a butterfly, had to pass through different phases before attaining33 her perfect state, we should almost always see her stop at the first and die without even approaching the second.
It is difficult enough for us merely to conceive that there are other roads to follow than that laid down
for us by chance or by parents too often shortsighted; and when we make the discovery, our first dreams of liberty appear so momentous34 and so dangerous! Is it not just then that we need time to venture upon the most lawful35 actions, seeing that we have no sense of their real proportion?
It is as though a wall separated the life that is forced upon us from the life which we do not know. Little by little, slowly, by instinct as much as by volition36, we withdraw from the wall and it seems to become lower. The sky above us becomes vaster, the horizon is disclosed before our eyes and we at last distinguish what is happening on the other side. Ah, what sight would compare with that, if it broke suddenly upon our vision, if we could view life as we view the spreading country beneath us, when we stand on the summit of a tower! All our senses, being equally affected37, would impart to our will a motive38 force which is, on the contrary, dissipated by the tardiness39 of our feeble comprehension.
Yes, an age comes when our vision is clear and true; but often it is too late to find a way out of the circle in which we are imprisoned40. That is the secret tragedy of many women's lives.
What would one not give to tell them, those women
who tremble and weep, to lift their minds high enough to see beyond their wretchedness! Let them develop and strengthen themselves while still under the yoke41, in order to throw it off one day like a gossamer42 garment which one casts aside without giving it a thought!...
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1
narrative
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| n.叙述，故事；adj.叙事的，故事体的 | |
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sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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intoxicated
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| 喝醉的，极其兴奋的 | |
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shudder
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| v.战粟，震动，剧烈地摇晃；n.战粟，抖动 | |
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orphan
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| n.孤儿；adj.无父母的 | |
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devout
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| adj.虔诚的，虔敬的，衷心的 (n.devoutness) | |
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7
nuns
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| n.（通常指基督教的）修女， （佛教的）尼姑( nun的名词复数 ) | |
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8
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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steadfast
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| adj.固定的，不变的，不动摇的；忠实的；坚贞不移的 | |
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10
joyous
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| adj.充满快乐的；令人高兴的 | |
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11
eternity
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| n.不朽，来世；永恒，无穷 | |
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12
awakening
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| n.觉醒，醒悟 adj.觉醒中的；唤醒的 | |
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13
obliterated
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| v.除去( obliterate的过去式和过去分词 )；涂去；擦掉；彻底破坏或毁灭 | |
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14
accentuate
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| v.着重，强调 | |
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15
distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的 | |
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17
eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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drooped
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| 弯曲或下垂，发蔫( droop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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blotted
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| 涂污( blot的过去式和过去分词 )； （用吸墨纸）吸干 | |
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sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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gushing
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| adj.迸出的；涌出的；喷出的；过分热情的v.喷，涌( gush的现在分词 )；滔滔不绝地说话 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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torrents
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| n.倾注；奔流( torrent的名词复数 )；急流；爆发；连续不断 | |
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scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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27
flickers
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| 电影制片业； （通常指灯光）闪烁，摇曳( flicker的名词复数 ) | |
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remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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acquiesced
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| v.默认，默许( acquiesce的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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30
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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31
condemning
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| v.（通常因道义上的原因而）谴责( condemn的现在分词 )；宣判；宣布…不能使用；迫使…陷于不幸的境地 | |
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32
transformations
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| n.变化( transformation的名词复数 )；转换；转换；变换 | |
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33
attaining
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| （通常经过努力）实现( attain的现在分词 )； 达到； 获得； 达到（某年龄、水平、状况） | |
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34
momentous
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| adj.重要的，重大的 | |
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35
lawful
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| adj.法律许可的，守法的，合法的 | |
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36
volition
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| n.意志；决意 | |
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37
affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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38
motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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39
tardiness
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| n.缓慢；迟延；拖拉 | |
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40
imprisoned
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| 下狱，监禁( imprison的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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41
yoke
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| n.轭；支配；v.给...上轭，连接，使成配偶 | |
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42
gossamer
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| n.薄纱，游丝 | |
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