Chapter III: Lincoln Reads Artemus Ward Aloud

This generation, whose taste in humor has naturally changed from that of Civil War times, is not very familiar with the stories of Artemus Ward¹. It will be well for the reader to bear this in mind in the pages that follow.

One of the two stories Lincoln read by way of relaxation², as I have told in the preceding chapter, concerned the President himself. Here it is:

 

HOW OLD ABE RECEIVED THE NEWS OF HIS NOMINATION³

There are several reports afloat as to how “Honest Old Abe” received the news of his nomination, none of which are correct. We give the correct report.

[Pg 39]The Official Committee arrived in Springfield at dewy eve, and went to Honest Old Abe’s house. Honest Old Abe was not in. Mrs. Honest Old Abe said Honest Old Abe was out in the woods splitting rails. So the Official Committee went out into the woods, where, sure enough, they found Honest Old Abe splitting rails with his two boys. It was a grand, a magnificent spectacle. There stood Honest Old Abe in his shirt-sleeves, a pair of leather home-made suspenders holding up a pair of home-made pantaloons, the seat of which was neatly⁴ patched with substantial cloth of a different color. “Mr. Lincoln, Sir, you’ve been nominated, Sir, for the highest office, Sir—” “Oh, don’t bother me,” said Honest Old Abe; “I took a stent this mornin’ to split three million rails afore night, and I don’t want to be pestered⁵ with no stuff about no Conventions till I get my stent done. I’ve only got two hundred thousand rails to split before sundown. I kin⁶ do it if you’ll let me alone.” And the great man[Pg 40] went right on splitting rails, paying no attention to the Committee whatever. The Committee were lost in admiration⁷ for a few moments, when they recovered, and asked one of Honest Old Abe’s boys whose boy he was? “I’m my parent’s boy,” shouted the urchin⁸, which burst of wit so convulsed the Committee that they came very near “gin’in eout” completely. In a few moments Honest Ole Abe finished his task, and received the news with perfect self-possession. He then asked them up to the house, where he received them cordially. He said he split three million rails every day, although he was in very poor health. Mr. Lincoln is a jovial⁹ man, and has a keen sense of the ludicrous. During the evening he asked Mr. Evarts, of New York, “why Chicago was like a hen crossing the street?” Mr. Evarts gave it up. “Because,” said Mr. Lincoln, “Old Grimes is dead, that good old man!” This exceedingly humorous thing created the most uproarious laughter.

 [Pg 41]

INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN

I hav no politics. Not a one. I’m not in the bizniss. If I was I spose I should holler versiffrusly in the streets at nite and go home to Betsy Jane smellin of coal ile and gin, in the mornin. I should go to the Poles arly. I should stay there all day. I should see to it that my nabers was thar. I should git carriges to take the kripples, the infirm, and the indignant thar. I should be on guard agin frauds and sich. I should be on the look out for the infamus lise of the enemy, got up jest be4 elecshun for perlitical effeck. When all was over and my candy-date was elected, I should move heving & erth—so to speak—until I got orfice, which if I didn’t git a orfice I should turn round and abooze the Administration with all my mite¹⁰ and maine. But I’m not in the bizniss. I’m in a far more respectful bizniss nor what pollertics is. I wouldn’t giv two cents to be a Congresser. The wuss insult I ever received[Pg 42] was when sertin citizens of Baldinsville axed me to run fur the Legislater. Sez I, “My frends, dostest think I’d stoop to that there?” They turned as white as a sheet. I spoke¹¹ in my most orfullest tones & they knowed I wasn’t to be trifled with. They slunked out of site to onct.

There4, havin no politics, I made bold to visit Old Abe at his humstid in Springfield. I found the old feller in his parler, surrounded by a perfeck swarm¹² of orfice seekers. Knowin he had been capting of a flat boat on the roarin Mississippy I thought I’d address him in sailor lingo¹³, so sez I, “Old Abe, ahoy! Let out yer main-suls, reef hum the forecastle & throw yer jib-poop over-board! Shiver my timbers, my harty!” [N. B. This is ginuine mariner¹⁴ langwidge. I know, becawz I’ve seen sailor plays acted out by them New York theater fellers.] Old Abe lookt up quite cross & sez, “Send in yer petition by & by. I can’t possibly look at it now. Indeed, I can’t. It’s on-possible, sir!”

[Pg 43]“Mr. Linkin, who do you spect I air?” sed I.

“A orfice-seeker, to be sure,” sed he.

“Wall, sir,” sed I, “you’s never more mistaken in your life. You hain’t gut¹⁵ a orfiss I’d take under no circumstances. I’m A. Ward. Wax figgers is my perfeshun. I’m the father of Twins, and they look like me—both of them. I cum to pay a friendly visit to the President eleck of the United States. If so be you wants to see me, say so, if not, say so & I’m orf like a jug¹⁶ handle.”

“Mr. Ward, sit down. I am glad to see you, Sir.”

“Repose¹⁷ in Abraham’s Buzzum!” sed one of the orfice seekers, his idee bein to git orf a goak at my expense.

“Wall,” sez I, “ef all you fellers repose in that there Buzzum thar’ll be mity poor nussin for sum of you!” whereupon Old Abe buttoned his weskit clear up and blusht like a maidin of sweet 16. Jest at this pint¹⁸ of the conversation another[Pg 44] swarm of orfice-seekers arrove & cum pilin into the parler. Sum wanted post orfices, sum wanted collectorships, sum wantid furrin missions, and all wanted sumthin. I thought Old Abe would go crazy. He hadn’t more than had time to shake hands with ’em, before another tremenjis crowd cum porein onto his premises¹⁹. His house and dooryard was now perfeckly overflowed²⁰ with orfice seekers, all clameruss for a immejit interview with Old Abe. One man from Ohio, who had about seven inches of corn whisky into him, mistook me for Old Abe and addrest me as “The Pra-hayrie Flower of the West!” Thinks I you want a offiss putty bad. Another man with a gold-heded cane²¹ and a red nose told Old Abe he was “a seckind Washington & the Pride of the Boundliss West.”

Sez I, “Square, you wouldn’t take a small post-offiss if you could git it, would you?”

Sez he, “A patrit is abuv them things, sir!”

[Pg 45]“There’s a putty big crop of patrits this season, ain’t there, Squire²²?” sez I, when another crowd of offiss seekers pored in. The house, dooryard, barngs, woodshed was now all full, and when another crowd cum I told ’em not to go away for want of room as the hog-pen was still empty. One patrit from a small town in Michygan went up on top the house, got into the chimney and slid into the parler where Old Abe was endeverin to keep the hungry pack of orfice-seekers from chawin him up alive without benefit of clergy²³. The minit he reached the fireplace he jumpt up, brusht the soot²⁴ out of his eyes, and yelled: “Don’t make eny pintment at the Spunkville postoffiss till you’ve read my papers. All the respectful men in our town is signers to that there dockyment!”

“Good God!” cried Old Abe, “they cum upon me from the skize—down the chimneys, and from the bowels²⁵ of the yerth!” He hadn’t more’n got them words out of his delikit mouth before two fat [Pg 46]offiss-seekers from Winconsin, in endeverin to crawl atween his legs for the purpuss of applyin for the tollgateship at Milwawky, upsot the President eleck, & he would hev gone sprawlin into the fireplace if I hadn’t caught him in these arms. But I hadn’t more’n stood him up strate before another man cum crashing down the chimney, his head strikin me viliently again the inards and prostratin my voluptoous form onto the floor. “Mr. Linkin,” shoutid the infatooated being, “my papers is signed by every clergyman in our town, and likewise the skoolmaster!”

Sez I, “You egrejis ass,” gittin up & brushin the dust from my eyes, “I’ll sign your papers with this bunch of bones, if you don’t be a little more keerful how you make my bread basket a depot²⁶ in the futur. How do you like that air perfumery?” sez I, shuving my fist under his nose. “Them’s the kind of papers I’ll giv you! Them’s the papers you want!”

“But I workt hard for the ticket; I[Pg 47] toiled²⁷ night and day! The patrit should be rewarded!”

“Virtoo,” sed I, holdin’ the infatooated man by the coat-collar, “virtoo, sir, is its own reward. Look at me!” He did look at me, and qualed be4 my gase. “The fact is,” I continued, lookin’ round on the hungry crowd, “there is scacely a offiss for every ile lamp carrid round durin’ this campane. I wish thare was. I wish thare was furrin missions to be filled on varis lonely Islands where eprydemics rage incessantly²⁸, and if I was in Old Abe’s place I’d send every mother’s son of you to them. What air you here for?” I continnered, warmin up considerable, “can’t you giv Abe a minit’s peace? Don’t you see he’s worrid most to death? Go home, you miserable²⁹ men, go home & till the sile! Go to peddlin tinware—go to choppin wood—go to bilin’ sope—stuff sassengers—black boots—git a clerkship on sum respectable manure³⁰ cart—go round as original Swiss Bell Ringers—becum ‘origenal[Pg 48] and only’ Campbell Minstrels—go to lecturin at 50 dollars a nite—imbark in the peanut bizniss—write for the Ledger—saw off your legs and go round givin concerts, with tuchin appeals to a charitable public, printed on your handbills—anything for a honest living, but don’t come round here drivin Old Abe crazy by your outrajis cuttings up! Go home. Stand not upon the order of your goin’, but go to onct! Ef in five minits from this time,” sez I, pullin’ out my new sixteen dollar huntin cased watch and brandishin’ it before their eyes, “Ef in five minits from this time a single sole of you remains³¹ on these here premises, I’ll go out to my cage near by, and let my Boy Constructor loose! & ef he gits amung you, you’ll think old Solferino has cum again and no mistake!” You ought to hev seen them scamper³², Mr. Fair. They run of as tho Satun hisself was arter them with a red hot ten pronged pitchfork. In five minits the premises was clear.

[Pg 49]“How kin I ever repay you, Mr. Ward, for your kindness?” sed Old Abe, advancin and shakin me warmly by the hand. “How kin I ever repay you, sir?”

“By givin the whole country a good, sound administration. By poerin’ ile upon the troubled waturs, North and South. By pursooin’ a patriotic³³, firm, and just course, and then if any State wants to secede³⁴, let ’em Sesesh!”

“How ’bout my Cabinit, Mister Ward?” sed Abe.

“Fill it up with Showmen, sir! Showmen, is devoid³⁵ of politics. They hain’t got any principles. They know how to cater³⁶ for the public. They know what the public wants, North & South. Showmen, sir, is honest men. Ef you doubt their literary ability, look at their posters, and see small bills! Ef you want a Cabinit as is a Cabinit fill it up with showmen, but don’t call on me. The moral wax figger perfeshun mustn’t be permitted to go down while there’s a drop of blood in these vains![Pg 50] A. Linkin, I wish you well! Ef Powers or Walcutt wus to pick out a model for a beautiful man, I scarcely think they’d sculp you; but ef you do the fair thing by your country you’ll make as putty a angel as any of us! A. Linkin, use the talents which Nature has put into you judishusly and firmly, and all will be well! A. Linkin, adoo!”

He shook me cordyully by the hand—we exchanged picters, so we could gaze upon each others’ liniments, when far away from one another—he at the hellum of the ship of State, and I at the hellum of the show bizniss—admittance only 15 cents.

1 ward   

n.守卫，监护，病房，行政区，由监护人或法院保护的人（尤指儿童）；vt.守护，躲开

参考例句：

• The hospital has a medical ward and a surgical ward.这家医院有内科病房和外科病房。
• During the evening picnic,I'll carry a torch to ward off the bugs.傍晚野餐时，我要点根火把，抵挡蚊虫。

2 relaxation   

n.松弛，放松；休息；消遣；娱乐

参考例句：

• The minister has consistently opposed any relaxation in the law.部长一向反对法律上的任何放宽。
• She listens to classical music for relaxation.她听古典音乐放松。

3 nomination   

n.提名，任命，提名权

参考例句：

• John is favourite to get the nomination for club president.约翰最有希望被提名为俱乐部主席。
• Few people pronounced for his nomination.很少人表示赞成他的提名。

4 neatly   

adv.整洁地，干净地，灵巧地，熟练地

参考例句：

• Sailors know how to wind up a long rope neatly.水手们知道怎样把一条大绳利落地缠好。
• The child's dress is neatly gathered at the neck.那孩子的衣服在领口处打着整齐的皱褶。

5 pestered   

使烦恼，纠缠( pester的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• Journalists pestered neighbours for information. 记者缠着邻居打听消息。
• The little girl pestered the travellers for money. 那个小女孩缠着游客要钱。

6 kin   

n.家族，亲属，血缘关系；adj.亲属关系的，同类的

参考例句：

• He comes of good kin.他出身好。
• She has gone to live with her husband's kin.她住到丈夫的亲戚家里去了。

7 admiration   

n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕

参考例句：

• He was lost in admiration of the beauty of the scene.他对风景之美赞不绝口。
• We have a great admiration for the gold medalists.我们对金牌获得者极为敬佩。

8 urchin   

n.顽童；海胆

参考例句：

• You should sheer off the urchin.你应该躲避这顽童。
• He is a most wicked urchin.他是个非常调皮的顽童。

9 jovial   

adj.快乐的，好交际的

参考例句：

• He seemed jovial,but his eyes avoided ours.他显得很高兴，但他的眼光却避开了我们的眼光。
• Grandma was plump and jovial.祖母身材圆胖，整天乐呵呵的。

10 mite   

n.极小的东西；小铜币

参考例句：

• The poor mite was so ill.可怜的孩子病得这么重。
• He is a mite taller than I.他比我高一点点。

11 spoke   

n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说

参考例句：

• They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
• The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。

12 swarm   

n.(昆虫)等一大群；vi.成群飞舞；蜂拥而入

参考例句：

• There is a swarm of bees in the tree.这树上有一窝蜜蜂。
• A swarm of ants are moving busily.一群蚂蚁正在忙碌地搬家。

13 lingo   

n.语言不知所云，外国话，隐语

参考例句：

• If you live abroad it helps to know the local lingo.住在国外，学一点当地的语言自有好处。
• Don't use all that technical lingo try and explain in plain English.别尽用那种专门术语，用普通的词语解释吧。

14 mariner   

n.水手号不载人航天探测器，海员，航海者

参考例句：

• A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner.平静的大海决不能造就熟练的水手。
• A mariner must have his eye upon rocks and sands as well as upon the North Star.海员不仅要盯着北极星，还要注意暗礁和险滩。

15 gut   

n.[pl.]胆量；内脏；adj.本能的；vt.取出内脏

参考例句：

• It is not always necessary to gut the fish prior to freezing.冷冻鱼之前并不总是需要先把内脏掏空。
• My immediate gut feeling was to refuse.我本能的直接反应是拒绝。

16 jug   

n.(有柄，小口，可盛水等的)大壶，罐，盂

参考例句：

• He walked along with a jug poised on his head.他头上顶着一个水罐，保持着平衡往前走。
• She filled the jug with fresh water.她将水壶注满了清水。

17 repose   

v.(使)休息；n.安息

参考例句：

• Don't disturb her repose.不要打扰她休息。
• Her mouth seemed always to be smiling,even in repose.她的嘴角似乎总是挂着微笑，即使在睡眠时也是这样。

18 pint   

n.品脱

参考例句：

• I'll have a pint of beer and a packet of crisps, please.我要一品脱啤酒和一袋炸马铃薯片。
• In the old days you could get a pint of beer for a shilling.从前，花一先令就可以买到一品脱啤酒。

19 premises   

n.建筑物，房屋

参考例句：

• According to the rules,no alcohol can be consumed on the premises.按照规定，场内不准饮酒。
• All repairs are done on the premises and not put out.全部修缮都在家里进行，不用送到外面去做。

20 overflowed   

溢出的

参考例句：

• Plates overflowed with party food. 聚会上的食物碟满盘盈。
• A great throng packed out the theater and overflowed into the corridors. 一大群人坐满剧院并且还有人涌到了走廊上。 来自《简明英汉词典》

21 cane   

n.手杖，细长的茎，藤条；v.以杖击，以藤编制的

参考例句：

• This sugar cane is quite a sweet and juicy.这甘蔗既甜又多汁。
• English schoolmasters used to cane the boys as a punishment.英国小学老师过去常用教鞭打男学生作为惩罚。

22 squire   

n.护卫, 侍从, 乡绅

参考例句：

• I told him the squire was the most liberal of men.我告诉他乡绅是世界上最宽宏大量的人。
• The squire was hard at work at Bristol.乡绅在布里斯托尔热衷于他的工作。

23 clergy   

n.[总称]牧师，神职人员

参考例句：

• I could heartily wish that more of our country clergy would follow this example.我衷心希望，我国有更多的牧师效法这个榜样。
• All the local clergy attended the ceremony.当地所有的牧师出席了仪式。

24 soot   

n.煤烟，烟尘；vt.熏以煤烟

参考例句：

• Soot is the product of the imperfect combustion of fuel.煤烟是燃料不完全燃烧的产物。
• The chimney was choked with soot.烟囱被煤灰堵塞了。

25 bowels   

n.肠，内脏，内部；肠( bowel的名词复数 )；内部，最深处

参考例句：

• Salts is a medicine that causes movements of the bowels. 泻盐是一种促使肠子运动的药物。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• The cabins are in the bowels of the ship. 舱房设在船腹内。 来自《简明英汉词典》

26 depot   

n.仓库，储藏处；公共汽车站；火车站

参考例句：

• The depot is only a few blocks from here.公共汽车站离这儿只有几个街区。
• They leased the building as a depot.他们租用这栋大楼作仓库。

27 toiled   

长时间或辛苦地工作( toil的过去式和过去分词 )； 艰难缓慢地移动，跋涉

参考例句：

• They toiled up the hill in the blazing sun. 他们冒着炎炎烈日艰难地一步一步爬上山冈。
• He toiled all day long but earned very little. 他整天劳碌但挣得很少。

28 incessantly   

ad.不停地

参考例句：

• The machines roar incessantly during the hours of daylight. 机器在白天隆隆地响个不停。
• It rained incessantly for the whole two weeks. 雨不间断地下了整整两个星期。

29 miserable   

adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的

参考例句：

• It was miserable of you to make fun of him.你取笑他，这是可耻的。
• Her past life was miserable.她过去的生活很苦。

30 manure   

n.粪，肥，肥粒；vt.施肥

参考例句：

• The farmers were distributing manure over the field.农民们正在田间施肥。
• The farmers used manure to keep up the fertility of their land.农夫们用粪保持其土质的肥沃。

31 remains   

n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹

参考例句：

• He ate the remains of food hungrily.他狼吞虎咽地吃剩余的食物。
• The remains of the meal were fed to the dog.残羹剩饭喂狗了。

32 scamper   

v.奔跑，快跑

参考例句：

• She loves to scamper through the woods of the forest.她喜欢在森林里的树林中穿梭嬉戏。
• The flash sent the foxes scampering away.闪光惊得狐狸四处逃窜。

33 patriotic   

adj.爱国的，有爱国心的

参考例句：

• His speech was full of patriotic sentiments.他的演说充满了爱国之情。
• The old man is a patriotic overseas Chinese.这位老人是一位爱国华侨。

34 secede   

v.退出，脱离

参考例句：

• They plotted to make the whole Mississippi Valley secede from the United States.他们阴谋策划使整个密西西比流域脱离美国。
• We won't allow Tibet to secede from China and become an independent nation.我们决不允许西藏脱离中国独立。

35 devoid   

adj.全无的，缺乏的

参考例句：

• He is completely devoid of humour.他十分缺乏幽默。
• The house is totally devoid of furniture.这所房子里什么家具都没有。

36 cater   

vi.(for/to)满足，迎合；(for)提供饮食及服务

参考例句：

• I expect he will be able to cater for your particular needs.我预计他能满足你的特殊需要。
• Most schools cater for children of different abilities.大多数学校能够满足具有不同天资的儿童的需要。