Think of my sister Lucy's luck! that chap, Waters, fell in love with her, and married her; and she now keeps her carriage, and lives in state near Sloffemsquiggle. I offered to make it up with Waters; but he bears malice2, and never will see or speak to me.—He had the impudence3, too, to say, that he took in all letters for mamma at Sloffemsquiggle; and that as mine were all begging-letters, he burned them, and never said a word to her concerning them. He allowed mamma fifty pounds a year, and, if she were not such a fool, she might have had three times as much; but the old lady was high and mighty4 forsooth, and would not be beholden, even to her own daughter, for more than she actually wanted. Even this fifty pound she was going to refuse; but when I came to live with her, of course I wanted pocket-money as well as board and lodging5, and so I had the fifty pounds for MY share, and eked6 out with it as well as I could.
Old Bates and the Captain, between them, gave mamma a hundred pounds when she left me (she had the deuce's own luck, to be sure—much more than ever fell to ME, I know) and as she said she WOULD try and work for her living, it was thought best to take a house and let lodgings7, which she did. Our first and second floor paid us four guineas a week, on an average; and the front parlor8 and attic9 made forty pounds more. Mamma and Eliza used to have the front attic: but I took that, and they slept in the servants' bedroom. Lizzy had a pretty genius for work, and earned a guinea a week that way; so that we had got nearly two hundred a year over the rent to keep house with,—and we got on pretty well. Besides, women eat nothing: my women didn't care for meat for days together sometimes,—so that it was only necessary to dress a good steak or so for me.
Mamma would not think of my continuing in the Post Office. She said her dear Robert, her husband's son, her gallant10 soldier, and all that, should remain at home and be a gentleman—which I was, certainly, though I didn't find fifty pounds a year very much to buy clothes and be a gentleman upon. To be sure, mother found me shirts and linen11, so that THAT wasn't in the fifty pounds. She kicked a little at paying the washing too; but she gave in at last, for I was her dear Bob, you know; and I'm blest if I could not make her give me the gown off her back. Fancy! once she cut up a very nice rich black silk scarf, which my sister Waters sent her, and made me a waistcoat and two stocks of it. She was so VERY soft, the old lady!
I'd lived in this way for five years or more, making myself content with my fifty pounds a year (PERHAPS I had saved a little out of it; but that's neither here nor there). From year's end to year's end I remained faithful to my dear mamma, never leaving her except for a month or so in the summer—when a bachelor may take a trip to Gravesend or Margate, which would be too expensive for a family. I say a bachelor, for the fact is, I don't know whether I am married or not—never having heard a word since of the scoundrelly Mrs. Stubbs.
I never went to the public-house before meals: for, with my beggarly fifty pounds, I could not afford to dine away from home: but there I had my regular seat, and used to come home PRETTY GLORIOUS, I can tell you. Then bed till eleven; then breakfast and the newspaper; then a stroll in Hyde Park or St. James's; then home at half-past three to dinner—when I jollied, as I call it, for the rest of the day. I was my mother's delight; and thus, with a clear conscience, I managed to live on.
How fond she was of me, to be sure! Being sociable12 myself, and loving to have my friends about me, we often used to assemble a company of as hearty13 fellows as you would wish to sit down with, and keep the nights up royally. “Never mind, my boys,” I used to say. “Send the bottle round: mammy pays for all.” As she did, sure enough: and sure enough we punished her cellar too. The good old lady used to wait upon us, as if for all the world she had been my servant, instead of a lady and my mamma. Never used she to repine, though I often, as I must confess, gave her occasion (keeping her up till four o'clock in the morning, because she never could sleep until she saw her “dear Bob” in bed, and leading her a sad anxious life). She was of such a sweet temper, the old lady, that I think in the course of five years I never knew her in a passion, except twice: and then with sister Lizzy, who declared I was ruining the house, and driving the lodgers14 away, one by one. But mamma would not hear of such envious15 spite on my sister's part. “Her Bob” was always right, she said. At last Lizzy fairly retreated, and went to the Waters's.—I was glad of it, for her temper was dreadful, and we used to be squabbling from morning till night!
Ah, those WERE jolly times! but Ma was obliged to give up the lodging-house at last—for, somehow, things went wrong after my sister's departure—the nasty uncharitable people said, on account of ME; because I drove away the lodgers by smoking and drinking, and kicking up noises in the house; and because Ma gave me so much of her money:—so she did, but if she WOULD give it, you know, how could I help it? Heigho! I wish I'd KEPT it.
No such luck. The business I thought was to last for ever: but at the end of two years came a smash—shut up shop—sell off everything. Mamma went to the Waters's: and, will you believe it? the ungrateful wretches16 would not receive me! that Mary, you see, was SO disappointed at not marrying me. Twenty pounds a year they allow, it is true; but what's that for a gentleman? For twenty years I have been struggling manfully to gain an honest livelihood17, and, in the course of them, have seen a deal of life, to be sure. I've sold cigars and pocket-handkerchiefs at the corners of streets; I've been a billiard-marker; I've been a director (in the panic year) of the Imperial British Consolidated18 Mangle19 and Drying Ground Company. I've been on the stage (for two years as an actor, and about a month as a cad, when I was very low); I've been the means of giving to the police of this empire some very valuable information (about licensed20 victuallers, gentlemen's carts, and pawnbrokers21' names); I've been very nearly an officer again—that is, an assistant to an officer of the Sheriff of Middlesex: it was my last place.
On the last day of the year 1837, even THAT game was up. It's a thing that very seldom happened to a gentleman, to be kicked out of a spunging-house; but such was my case. Young Nabb (who succeeded his father) drove me ignominiously22 from his door, because I had charged a gentleman in the coffee-rooms seven-and-sixpence for a glass of ale and bread and cheese, the charge of the house being only six shillings. He had the meanness to deduct23 the eighteenpence from my wages, and because I blustered24 a bit, he took me by the shoulders and turned me out—me, a gentleman, and, what is more, a poor orphan25!
How I did rage and swear at him when I got out into the street! There stood he, the hideous26 Jew monster, at the double door, writhing27 under the effect of my language. I had my revenge! Heads were thrust out of every bar of his windows, laughing at him. A crowd gathered round me, as I stood pounding him with my satire28, and they evidently enjoyed his discomfiture29. I think the mob would have pelted30 the ruffian to death (one or two of their missiles hit ME, I can tell you), when a policeman came up, and in reply to a gentleman, who was asking what was the disturbance31, said, “Bless you, sir, it's Lord Cornwallis.” “Move on, BOOTS,” said the fellow to me; for the fact is, my misfortunes and early life are pretty well known—and so the crowd dispersed32.
“What could have made that policeman call you Lord Cornwallis and Boots?” said the gentleman, who seemed mightily33 amused, and had followed me. “Sir,” says I, “I am an unfortunate officer of the North Bungay Fencibles, and I'll tell you willingly for a pint34 of beer.” He told me to follow him to his chambers35 in the Temple, which I did (a five-pair back), and there, sure enough, I had the beer; and told him this very story you've been reading. You see he is what is called a literary man—and sold my adventures for me to the booksellers; he's a strange chap; and says they're MORAL.
I'm blest if I can see anything moral in them. I'm sure I ought to have been more lucky through life, being so very wide awake. And yet here I am, without a place, or even a friend, starving upon a beggarly twenty pounds a year—not a single sixpence more, upon MY HONOR.
The End
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1
recollected
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adj.冷静的;镇定的;被回忆起的;沉思默想的v.记起,想起( recollect的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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2
malice
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n.恶意,怨恨,蓄意;[律]预谋 | |
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3
impudence
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n.厚颜无耻;冒失;无礼 | |
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4
mighty
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adj.强有力的;巨大的 | |
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5
lodging
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n.寄宿,住所;(大学生的)校外宿舍 | |
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6
eked
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v.(靠节省用量)使…的供应持久( eke的过去式和过去分词 );节约使用;竭力维持生计;勉强度日 | |
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7
lodgings
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n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍 | |
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8
parlor
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n.店铺,营业室;会客室,客厅 | |
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attic
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n.顶楼,屋顶室 | |
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10
gallant
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adj.英勇的,豪侠的;(向女人)献殷勤的 | |
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11
linen
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n.亚麻布,亚麻线,亚麻制品;adj.亚麻布制的,亚麻的 | |
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12
sociable
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adj.好交际的,友好的,合群的 | |
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13
hearty
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adj.热情友好的;衷心的;尽情的,纵情的 | |
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14
lodgers
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n.房客,租住者( lodger的名词复数 ) | |
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15
envious
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adj.嫉妒的,羡慕的 | |
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16
wretches
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n.不幸的人( wretch的名词复数 );可怜的人;恶棍;坏蛋 | |
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17
livelihood
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n.生计,谋生之道 | |
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18
consolidated
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a.联合的 | |
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19
mangle
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vt.乱砍,撕裂,破坏,毁损,损坏,轧布 | |
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20
licensed
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adj.得到许可的v.许可,颁发执照(license的过去式和过去分词) | |
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21
pawnbrokers
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n.当铺老板( pawnbroker的名词复数 ) | |
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22
ignominiously
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adv.耻辱地,屈辱地,丢脸地 | |
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23
deduct
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vt.扣除,减去 | |
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24
blustered
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v.外强中干的威吓( bluster的过去式和过去分词 );咆哮;(风)呼啸;狂吹 | |
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25
orphan
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n.孤儿;adj.无父母的 | |
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26
hideous
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adj.丑陋的,可憎的,可怕的,恐怖的 | |
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27
writhing
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(因极度痛苦而)扭动或翻滚( writhe的现在分词 ) | |
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28
satire
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n.讽刺,讽刺文学,讽刺作品 | |
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29
discomfiture
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n.崩溃;大败;挫败;困惑 | |
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30
pelted
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(连续地)投掷( pelt的过去式和过去分词 ); 连续抨击; 攻击; 剥去…的皮 | |
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31
disturbance
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n.动乱,骚动;打扰,干扰;(身心)失调 | |
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32
dispersed
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adj. 被驱散的, 被分散的, 散布的 | |
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33
mightily
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ad.强烈地;非常地 | |
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34
pint
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n.品脱 | |
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chambers
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n.房间( chamber的名词复数 );(议会的)议院;卧室;会议厅 | |
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