Kincaid gazed at her, white and stern, and a tense silence followed, broken by her.
"You can have me dismissed," she said—"he will see his child!"
He answered nothing. The cruelty of the speech which ignored and perverted2 everything outside the interests of the man by whom she had been wronged seemed the last blow that his pain could have to bear. A sense of the inequality and injustice3 of life's distribution overwhelmed him. Viewed in the light of her defeated enemy, he felt as broken, as far from power or dignity, as if the imputation4 had been just.
She resumed her seat; and, waiting as long as duty still required, he at last made some remark. She replied constrainedly5. The intervention6 of the pause was demonstrated by their tones, which sounded flat and dull. He was thankful when he could go; and his departure was not less welcome to the woman. To her reactionary7 weakness the removal of supervision8 came as balm. He went from her heavily, and she drew her chair yet closer to the bedside.
Tony would see his boy! She had no other settled thought, excepting the reluctant one that she would meet him when he came. The reflection that he would hear of her share in the matter gladdened her scarcely at all; indeed, when she contemplated9 his enlightenment, she was perturbed10. He would learn that his initial faith in her had been justified11, and he would be sorry, piteously sorry, for all the hard words that he had used. But by her there was little to be gained; what she had done had been for him. She found it even a humiliation12 that her act would be known to him—a humiliation which his gratitude13 would do nothing to decrease. She looked at the watch that she had pawned14 for the rent of her garret after his renunciation of her, and determined15 the length of time before he could arrive.
The stress of the last few minutes could not be suffered to beget16 any abatement17 of wariness18. But by degrees, as the reverberation19 of the outburst faded, she felt more tranquil20 than she had done since the Matron joined her earlier in the evening; and the vigil was continued with undiminished care. Archie would die, but now Tony would be present. The closing moments would not pass while he was simulating misery21 or mirth on a stage. Horror of the averted22 fate, more dreadful to a woman's mind even than to the father's own, made the brief protraction appear an almost priceless boon23.
It was possible for him to be here already; not likely, perhaps, so soon as this, but possible, supposing that the piece "played quick" and that a cab had been ordered to await him at the door. She listened for the roll of wheels in the distance, but the silence was undisturbed. Archie was lying as calm as when she had entered. If no further impediment occurred, to exhaust the remaining strength more speedily, it seemed safe to think that he might last two hours.
Her misgivings24 as to her risk were slight. The danger she had run might prove fatal; but the thing had been done with impunity25 at least once before—she remembered hearing of it. While we have our health, the contingency26 of sickness appears to us more remote from ourselves than from our neighbours; in her own case, a serious result looked exceedingly improbable. She regarded the benefit of her temerity27 as cheaply bought. None knew better than she, however, how much completive attention was called for, what alertness of eye and hand was essential afterwards; and, sitting there, her gaze was fastened on the boy as if she sought to hearken to every flutter of his pulse.
Now a cab did approach; she held her breath as it rattled28 near. It stopped, she fancied, before the hospital gate. Still with her stare riveted29 on the unconscious child, she strained her ears for the confirmatory tread. The seconds ticked away, swelling30 to minutes, but no footstep fell. The hope had been a false one! Presently the cab was heard again, driving away. She began to be distressed31, alarmed. Making allowance for a too sanguine32 calculation, it was time that he was here!... The delay was unaccountable; no conjecture33 could be formed as to its extent. Her fingers were laced and unlaced in her lap nervously34. She imagined the rumble35 of wheels in the soughing of the wind, alternately intent and discomfited36. The faint slamming of a cottage-door startled her to expectation. In the profundity37 of the hush38 that spread with every subsidence of sound, she seemed to hear the throbbing39 of her heart.
Out in the town a clock struck twelve, and apprehension40 verged41 upon despair. The eyes fixed42 on the boy were desperate now; she leant over him to contest the advent43 of the end shade by shade. So far no change was shown; Tony's fast dwindling44 chance was not yet lost. "God, God! Send him quick!" she prayed. Racked with impatience45, tortured by the fear that what she had done might, after all, be unavailing, she strove to devise some theory to uphold her. Debarred from venting46 her suspense47 in action, she found the constraint48 of her posture49 almost physical pain.
The clock boomed the hour of one. It swept suddenly across her mind that the Matron had been doubtful of letting him proceed to the ward1 on his return: he must have come and gone! She had been reaching forward, and her arm remained extended vaguely50. Consternation51 engulfed52 her. If during ten seconds she thought of anything but her neglect to ensure his being admitted, she thought she felt the blood in her freezing from head to foot. He had come and gone!—she was thwarted53 by her own oversight54. Defeat paralysed the woman.... Her exploit now assumed an aspect of grievous hazard, enhanced by its futility55. She lifted herself faint at soul. Her services were instinctive56, mechanical; she resumed them, she was assiduous and watchful57; but she appeared to be prompted by some external influence, with her brain benumbed.
All at once a new thought thrilled her stupor58. She heard the stroke of three, and the boy was still alive! The ungovernable hope shook her back to sensation. She told herself that the hope was wild, fantastic, that she would be mad to harbour it, but excitement shivered in her; she was strung with the intensity59 of what she hesitated to own. Every second that might bring the end and yet withheld60 it, fanned the hope feebly; the passage of each slow, dragging minute stretched suspense more taut61. She dreaded62 the quiver of her lashes63 that veiled his face from view, as if the spark of life might vanish as her eyelids64 fell. Between eternities, the distant clock rang forth65 the quarters of the hour across the sleeping town, and at every quarter she gasped66 "Thank God!" and wondered would she thank Him by the next. Hour trailed into hour. The boy lingered still. Haggard, she tended and she watched. The dreariness67 of daybreak paled the blind before the bed. The blind grew more transparent68, and hope trembled on. There was the stir of morning, movement in the street; dawn touched them wanly69, and hope held her yet. And sunrise showed him breathing peacefully once more—and then she knew that Heaven had worked a miracle and the child would live.
Among the staff that case is cited now and still the nurses tell how Mary Brettan saved his life. The local Examiner gave the matter a third of a column, headed "Heroism70 of a Hospital Nurse." And, cut down to five lines, it was mentioned in the London papers. Mr. Collins, of Pattenden's, glanced at the item, having despatched the youth of the prodigious71 yawn with a halfpenny, and—remembering how the surname was familiar—wondered for a moment what the woman was doing who could never sell their books.
It was later in the morning that Carew entered the hospital, as Kincaid crossed the hall. The porter heard the doctor's answer to a stammered72 question:
"Your child is out of danger. I'm sorry to say Nurse Brettan risked her life for him."
Then the visitor started, and stopped short hysterically73, and the doctor moved by, with his jaw74 set hard.
To Mary he had said little. He was confronted by a recovery that it had been impossible to foresee, but his predominant emotion was terror of its cost. From the Matron she heard of Carew's gratitude, and received his message of entreaty75 to be allowed to see her. It was not delivered, however, till she woke, and then he had gone; and by the morrow her reluctance76 to have an interview had deepened. She contented77 herself with the note that he sent: one written to say that he "could not write—that in a letter he was unable to find words." She read it very slowly, and it drooped78 to her lap, and she sat gazing at the wall. She brushed the mist from her eyes, and read the lines again, and yet again —long after she knew them all by heart.
Next day she rose with a strange stiffness in her throat. With her descent to the ward, it increased. And she was frightened. But at first she would not mention it, because she was loath79 for Kincaid to know. She felt it awkward to draw breath; by noon the difficulty was not to be concealed80. She went to bed—protesting, but by Kincaid's command.
Nurse Brettan had become a patient. She said how queer it was to be in the familiar room in this unfamiliar81 way. The nurse whose watch of Archie she had relieved was chosen to attend on her; and Mary chaffed her weakly on her task.
"It ought to be a good patient this spell, Sophie! If I'm a nuisance, you may shake me."
But to Kincaid she spoke82 more earnestly now the danger-signal was displayed.
"You did all you could to stop me, doctor. Whatever happens, you'll remember that! You did everything that was right, and so did I."
"Don't talk rubbish about 'happenings,' Nurse!" he said; "we shall want you to be up and at work again directly."
Nevertheless, she grew worse as the child grew stronger; and for a fortnight the man who loved her suffered fiercer pain each time he answered "Rubbish!" And the man whom she loved sought daily tidings of her when he called to view the progress of his boy. She used to hear of his inquiries83 and turn her face on the pillow, and lie for a long while very quiet. Her distaste to meeting him had gone and she craved84 for him to come to her. But now she could not bring herself to let him do it, because her neck and face were so swollen85 and unsightly, and her voice had dwindled86 to a whisper that was not nice to hear.
Then all hope was at an end—it was known that she was dying. And one morning the nurse said to her:
"Perhaps this afternoon you'd like to see him? He has asked again."
"This afternoon?" Momentarily her eyes brightened, but the shame of her unloveliness came back to her, and she sighed. "Give me ... the glass, Sophie ... there's a dear!" She looked up at her reflection in the narrow mirror held aslant87 over the bed. "No," she said feebly, "not this afternoon. Perhaps tor morrow."
The girl put back the glass without speaking. And a gaze followed her questioningly till she left.
When Kincaid came in, Mary asked him how long she had to live.
He was worn with a night of agony—a night whose marks the staff had observed and wondered at.
"How long?" she asked; "I know I can't get better. When's it going to be?" He clenched88 his teeth to curb89 the twitching90 of his mouth. "It isn't now?"
"No, no," he said. "You shouldn't, you mustn't frighten yourself like this!"
"To-day?"
"Not to-day," he answered hoarsely91, "I honestly believe."
"To-morrow?"
"Mary!"
"To-morrow?" she pleaded in the same painful whisper. "Tell me the truth. What to-morrow?"
"I think—to-morrow you may know how much I loved you."
She did not move; and he had turned aside. He noticed it was raining and how the drops spattered on the window-sill.
"I didn't see," she murmured; "I thought-you—had—forgotten."
"No," he said; "you never saw. It doesn't matter; I know now it would never have been any use. Hush, dear; don't talk; it's so bad for you!"
"I'm sorry. But I was his before you came. I couldn't. Could I?"
"No, of course. Don't worry; don't, for God's sake! There's nothing to be sorry about. I must go to the next ward; I shall see you this afternoon. Try to sleep a little, won't you?"
He went out, with a word to the nurse, who came back; and Mary lay silent.
Presently she said:
"Sophie—yes, this afternoon,"
Something in the voice startled; the girl gulped92 before she spoke:
"All right! he shall hear as soon as he comes."
"Don't forget."
"I won't forget, chummy; you can feel quite sure about it."
"Thanks, Sophie. I'm so tired."
The rain was falling still. She heard it blowing against the panes93, and lay listening to it, wondering if it would keep him away. Then her thoughts drifted; and she slept.
When Kincaid returned he took Sophie's place, and sat watching till the figure stirred. The eyes opened at him vaguely.
"I've been asleep?"
"Yes."
"Is it very late?"
"It's about three, I think.... Just three."
"Ah!" she said with relief.
She closed her eyes again, and there was a long pause. He covered her nerveless hand with his own.
"Don't grieve," she whispered; "it doesn't hurt."
"Oh, my dear, my dear! You, and my mother, too—helpless with both!"
"The many," she said faintly, "think of the many you've pulled through. You've ... been very good to me ... very good."
To his despair it seemed that ever since they met she had been telling him that. It was the dole94 that she had yielded, the atom that his devotion had ever wrung95 from her—she found him "good"!
And even as she said it, her eagerness caught the footfall, that she had been waiting for; and she nestled lower on the pillow, trying to hide her disfigurement from view.
"Mary," said Kincaid, "you didn't care for me; but will you let me kiss you on the forehead—while you know?"
A smile—a smile of tenderness wonderfully new and strange to him irradiated her face; and, turning, he saw the other man had come in.
THE END
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1
ward
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| n.守卫，监护，病房，行政区，由监护人或法院保护的人（尤指儿童）；vt.守护，躲开 | |
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perverted
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| adj.不正当的v.滥用( pervert的过去式和过去分词 )；腐蚀；败坏；使堕落 | |
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injustice
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| n.非正义，不公正，不公平，侵犯（别人的）权利 | |
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imputation
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| n.归罪，责难 | |
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constrainedly
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| 不自然地，勉强地，强制地 | |
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intervention
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| n.介入，干涉，干预 | |
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reactionary
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| n.反动者，反动主义者；adj.反动的，反动主义的，反对改革的 | |
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supervision
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| n.监督，管理 | |
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contemplated
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| adj. 预期的 动词contemplate的过去分词形式 | |
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perturbed
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| adj.烦燥不安的v.使（某人）烦恼，不安( perturb的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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justified
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| a.正当的，有理的 | |
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humiliation
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| n.羞辱 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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pawned
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| v.典当，抵押( pawn的过去式和过去分词 )；以（某事物）担保 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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beget
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| v.引起；产生 | |
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abatement
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| n.减(免)税，打折扣，冲销 | |
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wariness
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| n. 注意,小心 | |
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reverberation
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| 反响； 回响； 反射； 反射物 | |
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tranquil
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| adj. 安静的, 宁静的, 稳定的, 不变的 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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averted
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| 防止，避免( avert的过去式和过去分词 )； 转移 | |
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boon
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| n.恩赐，恩物，恩惠 | |
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misgivings
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| n.疑虑，担忧，害怕；疑虑，担心，恐惧( misgiving的名词复数 )；疑惧 | |
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impunity
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| n.(惩罚、损失、伤害等的)免除 | |
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contingency
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| n.意外事件，可能性 | |
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temerity
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| n.鲁莽，冒失 | |
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rattled
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| 慌乱的，恼火的 | |
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riveted
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| 铆接( rivet的过去式和过去分词 )； 把…固定住； 吸引； 引起某人的注意 | |
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swelling
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| n.肿胀 | |
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distressed
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| 痛苦的 | |
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sanguine
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| adj.充满希望的，乐观的，血红色的 | |
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conjecture
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| n./v.推测，猜测 | |
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nervously
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| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
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rumble
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| n.隆隆声；吵嚷；v.隆隆响；低沉地说 | |
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discomfited
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| v.使为难( discomfit的过去式和过去分词)；使狼狈；使挫折；挫败 | |
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profundity
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| n.渊博；深奥，深刻 | |
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hush
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| int.嘘，别出声；n.沉默，静寂；v.使安静 | |
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throbbing
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| a. 跳动的,悸动的 | |
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apprehension
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| n.理解，领悟；逮捕，拘捕；忧虑 | |
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verged
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| 接近，逼近（verge的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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advent
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| n.(重要事件等的)到来，来临 | |
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dwindling
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| adj.逐渐减少的v.逐渐变少或变小( dwindle的现在分词 ) | |
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45
impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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46
venting
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| 消除； 泄去； 排去； 通风 | |
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suspense
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| n.（对可能发生的事）紧张感，担心，挂虑 | |
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constraint
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| n.(on)约束，限制；限制(或约束)性的事物 | |
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49
posture
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| n.姿势，姿态，心态，态度；v.作出某种姿势 | |
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50
vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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51
consternation
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| n.大为吃惊，惊骇 | |
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52
engulfed
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| v.吞没，包住( engulf的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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53
thwarted
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| 阻挠( thwart的过去式和过去分词 )； 使受挫折； 挫败； 横过 | |
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54
oversight
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| n.勘漏，失察，疏忽 | |
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55
futility
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| n.无用 | |
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56
instinctive
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| adj.(出于)本能的；直觉的；(出于)天性的 | |
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watchful
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| adj.注意的，警惕的 | |
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58
stupor
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| v.昏迷；不省人事 | |
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59
intensity
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| n.强烈，剧烈；强度；烈度 | |
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60
withheld
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| withhold过去式及过去分词 | |
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61
taut
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| adj.拉紧的，绷紧的，紧张的 | |
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dreaded
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| adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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63
lashes
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| n.鞭挞( lash的名词复数 )；鞭子；突然猛烈的一击；急速挥动v.鞭打( lash的第三人称单数 )；煽动；紧系；怒斥 | |
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64
eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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65
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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dreariness
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| 沉寂，可怕，凄凉 | |
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transparent
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| adj.明显的，无疑的；透明的 | |
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wanly
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| adv.虚弱地；苍白地，无血色地 | |
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heroism
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| n.大无畏精神，英勇 | |
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prodigious
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| adj.惊人的，奇妙的；异常的；巨大的；庞大的 | |
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72
stammered
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| v.结巴地说出( stammer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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hysterically
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| ad. 歇斯底里地 | |
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jaw
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| n.颚，颌，说教，流言蜚语；v.喋喋不休，教训 | |
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entreaty
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| n.恳求，哀求 | |
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reluctance
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| n.厌恶，讨厌，勉强，不情愿 | |
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contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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78
drooped
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| 弯曲或下垂，发蔫( droop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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loath
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| adj.不愿意的；勉强的 | |
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80
concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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81
unfamiliar
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| adj.陌生的，不熟悉的 | |
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82
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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inquiries
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| n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 )；疑问；探究；打听 | |
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84
craved
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| 渴望，热望( crave的过去式 )； 恳求，请求 | |
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swollen
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| adj.肿大的，水涨的；v.使变大，肿胀 | |
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86
dwindled
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| v.逐渐变少或变小( dwindle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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aslant
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| adv.倾斜地；adj.斜的 | |
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88
clenched
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| v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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curb
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| n.场外证券市场，场外交易；vt.制止，抑制 | |
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90
twitching
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| n.颤搐 | |
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hoarsely
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| adv.嘶哑地 | |
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gulped
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| v.狼吞虎咽地吃，吞咽( gulp的过去式和过去分词 )；大口地吸（气）；哽住 | |
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panes
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| 窗玻璃( pane的名词复数 ) | |
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dole
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| n.救济，（失业）救济金；vt.（out）发放，发给 | |
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wrung
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| 绞( wring的过去式和过去分词 )； 握紧（尤指别人的手）； 把（湿衣服）拧干； 绞掉（水） | |
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