He found the little matron in her room in deep mourning; shook her hand, tried to talk, and moved nervously1 about; she was evidently thinking of the same subject as he, but he couldn’t begin talking.
“Where shall I find Thomas?” said he at last, getting desperate.
“In the servants’ hall, I think, sir. But won’t you take anything?” said the matron looking rather disappointed.
“No, thank you,” said he, and strode off again to find the old verger, who was sitting in his little den2 as of old puzzling over hieroglyphics3.
He looked up through his spectacles, as Tom seized his hand and wrung4 it.
“Ah! you’ve heard all about it, sir, I see,” said he.
Tom nodded, and then sat down on the shoe-board, while the old man told his tale, and wiped his spectacles, and fairly flowed over with quaint5, homely6, honest sorrow.
By the time he had done, Tom felt much better.
“Where is he buried, Thomas?” said he at last.
“Under the altar in the chapel7, sir,” answered Thomas. “You’d like to have the key, I dare say.”
“Thank you, Thomas. Yes, I should very much.” And the old man fumbled8 among his bunch, and then got up as though he would go with him; but after a few steps stopped short and said, “Perhaps you’d like to go by yourself, sir?”
Tom nodded, and the bunch of keys were handed to him with an injunction to be sure and lock the door after him, and bring them back before eight o’clock.
We walked quickly through the quadrangle and out[125] into the close. The longing9 which had been upon him and driven him thus far, like the gad-fly in the Greek legends, giving him no rest in mind or body, seemed all of a sudden not to be satisfied, but to shrivel up, and pall10. “Why should I go on? It is no use,” he thought, and threw himself at full length on the turf, and looked vaguely11 and listlessly at all the well-known objects. There were a few of the town-boys playing cricket, their wicket pitched on the best piece in the middle of the big-side ground, a sin about equal to sacrilege in the eyes of a captain of the eleven. He was very nearly getting up to go and send them off. “Pshaw! they won’t remember me. They’ve more right there than I,” he muttered. And the thought that his sceptre had departed, and his mark was wearing out, came home to him for the first time, and bitterly enough. He was lying on the very spot where the fights came off; where he himself had fought six years ago his first and last battle. He conjured12 up the scene till he could almost hear the shouts of the ring, and East’s whisper in his ear; and looking across the close to the Doctor’s private door, half-expected to see it open, and the tall figure in cap and gown come striding under the elm-trees towards him.
No, no! that sight could never be seen again. There was no flag flying on the round tower; the school-house windows were all shuttered up; and when the flag went up again, and the shutters13 came down, it would be to[126] welcome a stranger. All that was left on earth of him whom he had honored, was lying cold and still under the chapel-floor. He would go in and see the place once more, and then leave it once for all. New men and new methods might do for other people; let those who would, worship the rising star; he at least would be faithful to the sun which had set. And so he got up, and walked to the chapel-door and unlocked it, fancying himself the only mourner in all the broad land, and feeding on his own selfish sorrow.
He passed through the vestibule, and then paused for a moment to glance over the empty benches. His heart was still proud and high, and he walked up to the seat which he had last occupied as a sixth-form boy, and sat himself down there to collect his thoughts.
And, truth to tell, they needed collecting and setting in order not a little. The memories of eight years were all dancing through his brain, and carrying him about whither they would; while, beneath them all, his heart was throbbing14 with the dull sense of a loss that could never be made up to him. The rays of the evening sun came solemnly through the painted windows above his head, and fell in gorgeous colors on the opposite wall, and the perfect stillness soothed15 his spirit by little and little. And he turned to the pulpit, and looked at it, and then, leaning forward with his head on his hands, groaned16 aloud:
“If he could only have seen the Doctor again for one[127] five minutes—have told him all that was in his heart, what he owed to him, how he loved and reverenced17 him, and would by God’s help follow his steps in life and death—he could have borne it all without a murmur18. But that he should have gone away for ever without knowing it all, was too much to bear.”—“But am I sure he does not know it all?”—the thought made him start—“May he not even now be near me, in this very chapel? If he be, am I sorrowing as he would have me sorrow—as I should wish to have sorrowed when I shall meet him again?”
He raised himself up and looked around; and after a minute rose and walked humbly19 down to the lowest bench, and sat down on the very seat which he had occupied on his first Sunday at Rugby. And then the old memories rushed back again, but softened20 and subdued21, and soothing22 him as he let himself be carried away by them. And he looked up at the great painted window above the altar, and remembered how when a little boy he used to try not to look through it at the elm-trees and the rocks, before the painted glass came—and the subscription23 for the painted glass, and the letter he wrote home for money to give to it. And there, down below, was the very name of the boy who sat on his right hand on that first day, scratched rudely in the oak paneling.
And then came the thought of all his own school-fellows; and form after form of boys nobler, and braver,[128] and purer than he, rose up and seemed to rebuke24 him. Could he not think of them, and what they had felt and were feeling, they who had honored and loved from the first, the man whom he had taken years to know and love? Could he not think of those yet dearer to him who was gone, who bore his name and shared his blood, and were now without a husband or a father? Then the grief which he began to share with others became gentle and holy, and he rose up once more, and walked up the steps to the altar; and while the tears flowed freely down his cheeks, knelt down humbly and hopefully, to lay down there his share of a burden which had proved itself too heavy for him to bear in his own strength.
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1
nervously
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| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
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2
den
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| n.兽穴；秘密地方；安静的小房间，私室 | |
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3
hieroglyphics
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| n.pl.象形文字 | |
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4
wrung
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| 绞( wring的过去式和过去分词 )； 握紧（尤指别人的手）； 把（湿衣服）拧干； 绞掉（水） | |
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5
quaint
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| adj.古雅的，离奇有趣的，奇怪的 | |
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6
homely
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| adj.家常的，简朴的；不漂亮的 | |
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7
chapel
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| n.小教堂，殡仪馆 | |
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8
fumbled
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| （笨拙地）摸索或处理（某事物）( fumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 乱摸，笨拙地弄； 使落下 | |
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9
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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10
pall
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| v.覆盖，使平淡无味；n.柩衣，棺罩；棺材；帷幕 | |
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11
vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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12
conjured
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| 用魔术变出( conjure的过去式和过去分词 )； 祈求，恳求； 变戏法； （变魔术般地） 使…出现 | |
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13
shutters
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| 百叶窗( shutter的名词复数 )； （照相机的）快门 | |
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14
throbbing
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| a. 跳动的,悸动的 | |
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15
soothed
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| v.安慰( soothe的过去式和过去分词 )；抚慰；使舒服；减轻痛苦 | |
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16
groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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17
reverenced
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| v.尊敬，崇敬( reverence的过去式和过去分词 )；敬礼 | |
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18
murmur
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| n.低语，低声的怨言；v.低语，低声而言 | |
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19
humbly
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| adv. 恭顺地，谦卑地 | |
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20
softened
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| （使）变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 )； 缓解打击； 缓和； 安慰 | |
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21
subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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22
soothing
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| adj.慰藉的；使人宽心的；镇静的 | |
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23
subscription
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| n.预订，预订费，亲笔签名，调配法，下标（处方） | |
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24
rebuke
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| v.指责，非难，斥责 [反]praise | |
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