The order partook of the essentials of a calamity5. It came so unexpectedly, with such sudden shock, that he did not sense immediately the full meaning of it nor what it involved. In the beginning he saw only the misfortune of being sent home, of being removed from proximity7 to the war. That alone was enough to give him keenest distress8, but as he returned to his desk and sat staring gloomily at the wall before him this first effect was swallowed up and lost forever by the inrush of cold dread9 of the major consequences of his enforced departure.
“Andree!...”
He was face to face with the inexorability of the postponed10 decision. There was no time to work matters out gradually now, to hope for some miraculous11 solution. He must decide; he must answer yes or no.... What should he do about Andree?... Within twenty-four hours he must determine if she was to remain in his life, or if they had reached a point in the journey where one must turn to the right and one to the left to follow roads that never joined again on earth. He must determine whether or not he should marry Andree and take her home. It would be possible. There was time. He felt sure he could obtain the necessary permission to have her accompany him on the transport because he knew women were constantly returning on transports. Even failing that, she could demand her passport as his wife as a newly made citizen of the United States and go to America by way of Bordeaux and the French line.... But only as his wife could she cross the ocean; in no other way could she obtain the essential passport....
So that became the one question—to marry or not to marry!
If he did not take her with him, then what? How could he tell her?... What would she do if she discovered that she had lost him? There came to him a vision of the bridges crossing the Seine ... and it was harrowing!
The breaking of evil news is, perhaps, the most feared task that can fall to man. He fears it as he fears no other demand that can be made upon him.... It was inevitable12 that Ken1 should consider eluding13 such a black responsibility. Why not? It would be perfectly14 simple.... He was to see Andree to-morrow night. Well, there was no need to see her, and the night after that he would be on the train for Brest. He could step out of her life without a word, abandon her without farewell.... It would remove all complications—except the complication of conscience. It was a temptation which did not persist. Kendall Ware was no hero, but he was immeasurably above such an act of black cowardice15. Besides, he could not bear to go without seeing her again ... if the decision were to leave her.
He must decide....
It was a sentence from which there could be no reprieve16, implacable, inevitable. He had arrived at the most critical, the most momentous17 crisis in his life ... and nowhere could he turn for help. He stood alone, sole judge and executioner. There was no jury to pronounce verdict, no expert who could advise. He—Kendall Ware—must speak the word.... Never had he been so conscious of himself as an individual, of his existence as a distinct entity18, of himself. It frightened him—that idea of himself as a responsible thing, of which life could require decisions. For the first time he realized the meaning of the words “free will” and he resented them. God had endowed him with the perilous19 gift of freedom to mold his own life, and he felt a cowardly resentment20 toward God.... But the stark21 fact was there. There was no avoiding it. There must be a choice, some choice ... and the combined populations of the earth could not take it out of his hands....
He was thankful for some minor22 matters of routine which would demand his attention until noon. After that he would be relieved from duty, with no occupation but to make ready for his departure.... It was a trifling23 postponement24 and he welcomed it eagerly. At eleven-thirty he left the office and walked down the Champs élysées, almost for the last time. He pretended that he was walking aimlessly, but it was not true. He had a destination, and that destination was 12 rue25 d’Aguesseau and Maude Knox.
It was not that he felt the necessity of seeing Maude Knox, but that he wanted to talk to somebody, to talk to somebody who might have some understanding of his plight26. It was not advice he sought so much as sympathy. Maude was the sort of person he could talk to, and talk was necessary.... He waited in the archway of the building until she came down.
“Well?” she said, in some surprise.
“I’m waiting for you. Can you lunch with me?”
“What has happened?” she countered. “I can tell by your face that something has happened.”
“I’ve been ordered home.”
She did not reply for a moment, for his announcement brought her also face to face with a climax27 in her life. He was going home! The status quo which had been endurable, if difficult, was to be altered. While he was there and she was there their relations might go on as they were, somewhat anomalous28, but requiring no immediate6 decisions or arrangements. They could drift and allow events to take care of themselves.... But now he was going, and she realized that she did not want him to go. She realized what she had repressed and concealed29 was now insisting upon recognition—that Kendall Ware was very important to her, that his presence was very important to her, and that for a time to which she was unable to set an exact limit she had been hoping that their relations would be determined30 in a manner satisfactory to herself.... She was bolder in facing the fact than Kendall had been. She faced it promptly31 and adjusted herself to it ... and the fact was that she loved him....
“Where shall we lunch?” she asked, and it would have been impossible to tell from her tone that in the brief pause that came before her question she had withstood a shock and mastered a crisis.
“The Oasis32 is quiet and we can talk.”
“But they’re so slow!”
“That doesn’t matter to-day. There’s—there’s so much to say.”
“To me?”
He nodded. “I’ve got to talk it out with you ... because you are the only person who can do any good. The same things are behind both of us. We know the same sort of people back home.... Don’t you see?”
“I think so. But, remember, I’ve been here as long as you have. I’m not the same. I’ve seen things, too.... I can’t judge anything the way I would have judged it back home. I’ll never be able to again.”
They walked to the rue St.-Honoré and presently turned up the rue Boissy-d’Anglas to the quaint33, quiet little English tea-room with its soft lights and absurdly carved fireplace and decorations. That fireplace, Bert had once said, looked like the life-work of a lazy man who loved to whittle34. There they found a table—there were but three or four—and gave their orders to the thin, very serious Englishwoman who was the only member of the staff of the place who ever became visible. Nobody knew if she were the proprietress or merely a waitress—and nobody cared especially.
“It’s rotten luck,” said Ken.
“Yes.”
“I’ll be stuck at some desk job in Washington. It wouldn’t have been so bad if they had given me a few months at the front—”
“Or if they never had sent you to France at all.”
He looked at her a moment, then shook his head. “No. I wouldn’t have missed these months over here. I’ve really lived; really appreciated being alive. No.... Whatever happens now, nobody can take this away from me....”
“It has been wonderful,” she agreed.
“Just to see it—Paris, the people, the war going on—would be wonderful.... But I believe I’ve done more than merely see. I’ve felt.”
“You’ve seen and felt, Ken, but how much has it changed you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what has seeing and feeling done to you? Has it made any permanent changes in you? Your experiences here have impressed you a great deal—but how long will the effect last when you get home?... When Paris is just a memory—and a subject for conversation? In ten years will you be any different as a result of all this than you would have been if you had never come?”
He hesitated. “I don’t know,” he said, slowly. “What do you think?”
“I think,” she said, “that we will get back into the old environments and the old habits and will become just what we would have been. If we were to stay here, then we might change, broaden, really profit by our experiences. But we go home. We see the same faces, hear the same sort of talk, and are tied by the same sort of prejudices and theories and narrownesses that we used to accept without question. We will know better for a while, and then we will revert35.... It takes something pretty big and startling to change a person forever.”
“Big and startling.... You mean something in his own life and experience—something personal to him—that is big and startling?”
“Yes.”
“Like—”
“Oh, like committing a crime, or making some supreme36 decision or sacrifice.... Anything that strains the very soul of a person so that it can never get back into its former shape.”
“Love?”
“Not love itself, but something wonderful or terrible that comes as the result of a love.”
“Then you don’t think experiences change people, that it is—well, just making decisions that grow out of the experiences. It is reaching a crisis and then making a choice of which way you will go.”
“I think that is it. I don’t see how any event can change a person if he remains37 merely a spectator. I don’t think any sort of happening will really alter a person for good and all unless it has compelled him to use every bit of his will and courage and intelligence to make up his mind what he will do about it. If he chooses the right way, then he becomes stronger; if he chooses the wrong way or dodges38 the decision, he becomes weaker.”
“There’s no dodging39 the choice,” he said.
“And that is what’s the matter with you, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“And the choice?” She knew very well what problem he was laboring40 over.
“Is Andree,” he said.
“She was bound to be the problem. Couldn’t you see that from the beginning?”
“That doesn’t matter now—what I saw at the beginning. All that has happened has happened”—he paused and stared down at the table-cloth—“and I’m glad it did happen.... But now I’ve got to settle the bill.”
“And you want my advice?” She looked at him queerly. “You have come to me for advice about this?”
“Not for advice. I just want to know what you think.”
“About what—definitely?”
“Whether I should marry Andree?”
“Why shouldn’t you?”
“So many reasons.... There’s my mother. There’s the vestibule of the Presbyterian church, if you know what I mean.” She nodded her understanding. “There are all the things that have come down from Plymouth Rock.... There is something in me, something I can’t get rid of, that is a result of all these things, which makes me hold back from marrying a girl who—with whom I have—who has been to me what Andree has been.... And there is you.” He uttered the last sentence defiantly41.
“That isn’t fair—it isn’t fair! You have no business to say such a thing to me.... You’re the most tremendously selfish man I have ever met.”
“Selfish!”
“In this whole thing you are thinking of nobody but yourself. You haven’t thought of Andree—and then you—you say such things without—considering me.”
“I do think of Andree,” he said, quickly. “I’m afraid—for her. I can’t bear to think of making her unhappy.... And you—It’s a confused mess, Maude!...” He leaned across the table. “Maude, if there was no other woman in my life—if Andree were a thing of the past—would you marry me?”
She stared at him, biting her lips. “Ken Ware,” she said, “that is the most impertinent—and selfish—question a man ever asked.... Don’t ever do it again! Don’t ever mention such a thing again! The idea! You want to have your cake and eat it, too. You’re always at it—carrying on a sort of left-handed courtship with me.... Always hinting—and—and playing safe. If you decide you don’t want this other girl, then you want to have me all prepared to fall into your arms.... I won’t stand it. Never dare speak of it again—until you can come to me honestly and say that you love me—and that there is no other woman in your life—and that you want me to marry you. Then I’ll tell you whether I will or not.... Do you understand?”
“I’m sorry. I’ve been clumsy ... and selfish.”
“You have.”
“But you’ll tell me what you think—how this whole thing over here affects you? Don’t think about my case in particular if that is offensive, but about the whole system, the whole idea of the relations between men and women as we see them here.”
“I will, because I would like to find out just how I have been affected42....” Suddenly she laughed. “I used to have an uncle who spent his life arguing abstractions. I remember he took the stand once that there was no reason why women should not smoke as well as men, that there was nothing inherently masculine about smoking and nothing immoral43. He declared that women had as much right to smoke as men. My aunt listened to it until she got tired, so one evening she waited until uncle lighted a cigar and then took out a cigarette and put it between her lips.... Uncle stared at her and roared. He fairly snatched that cigarette, and it looked as if he was going to put my aunt out of the house.... Smoking for women was all right as an abstract question, but when it touched him personally it was quite another matter.... I think I am a little like him. I can sit down and say that these girls are within their rights. I can even see that they are good.... I believe your Andree is wonderfully good.... I can even say that if so many Americans were killed in this war that I would never be able to find a husband I might do the same thing—and I believe it would be right and moral for me to do it ... in the abstract. I can feel these things in Paris. But as soon as I come to a concrete instance and one which touches me personally—why, I’m Middle West and Plymouth Rock again.... One can never tell. Things can happen here—even to an American girl like me—that never could happen in America in normal conditions. With this war going on, with this horrible state of affairs, nothing else seems to matter much. Personal moral considerations seem to be so minute and unimportant as not to count at all.... There is something in the very air.... You see we don’t know France—only a small section of it that we see about the streets. We don’t know how the classes of France who stay in their homes and are never seen on the boulevards look at this matter. They may be as straitlaced as we are ... and we’ve been judging all of Paris by the Champs élysées....”
“That doesn’t decide the thing that’s worrying me.... It doesn’t even help.... I wonder if this war and everything connected with it won’t change people back home.”
“So that they would tolerate—Andree?”
He nodded.
“Never—if they found out that Andree had violated their laws.”
“But you—what do you think about her?”
“Is that fair?”
“I don’t see why it isn’t. You’ve met her and talked with her. What do you think of her?”
“Ken, she is one individual, and I can tell you what I think about her ... but that doesn’t make her stand for the whole code of ethics44. The other thousands of girls may not be like Andree at all—they may be bad. Don’t you see? It comes down to a matter of personal, concrete experience again.... But Andree....” She looked at him gravely. “I should hate to feel that I had broken faith with Andree or been unfair to her or caused her grief. She is very sweet and childlike—and good. She has no consciousness of having been other than virtuous45 because she has loved you.... I had lunch with her the other day. It was the first time I had ever lunched with a woman whom I knew to be violating our standard ... and it didn’t hurt me in the least. I felt no repulsion or disgust ... but that was because I couldn’t help feeling that she was good....”
“Then you think—”
“I think this: that all of us come to fit into our environment very readily. We come over here, and soon we are being absorbed by the things around us.... Presently we will go home, more or less in the frame of mind created by Paris ... and then the environment of home will begin to work. In no time at all we will have adjusted ourselves again and Paris will be almost as if it never had been.... I believe that is exactly what will happen. If we stayed here we should become as nearly Parisian as we could be made, but, going home, Paris will very rapidly be eradicated46.”
“And all that has happened here?”
“Will be part of a memory—something in a dream.”
He shook his head. “I can’t believe that. I know I shall never be just the same as I was before. I see your point of view, but it doesn’t help me ... and I don’t believe you are right.”
“You don’t want to believe it.”
“I know—Andree makes all the difference. If you were a man and there had been an Andree you would have felt as I have. Somehow France means Andree to me. I never dreamed of any one like her. You don’t know her—what a quaint, childlike, womanly, fairy kind of a girl she is. When I think of her she doesn’t seem real, but like some mysterious being out of a magical country who has come to visit for a little while—to make me happy.... She does come from a mysterious country. Do you know that I don’t know her name—just Andree? I have never asked. I don’t know where she lives or how she lives. I don’t know anything about her except that she appears and is with me a little while—and then disappears again.... That has made a difference—that quality.”
“I would hardly have suspected you of being so romantic.”
“It isn’t sentimentality, at any rate.... And nobody can ever convince me that I’ve done wrong or that I’ve taken any harm from her.... Even if this should prove to be only an episode, it has been a beautiful episode with nothing but good in it.... But this mystery, this fairy element, has somehow kept the realities at a distance. I have simply gone along and lived.... Why, I have hardly thought of such a thing as marriage in connection with her. Possibly you won’t understand that, but I understand it perfectly.... To marry Andree would be to make her real, material. The mystery would be gone.”
“I think I understand.”
“But to marry her and take her to Detroit!... Suppose I should take her home and then this story should come out—and it would come out somehow. What then?... When I think of that smug, gossiping crowd in the church vestibule, and of their looking at her and pointing at her and whispering about her—it seems like a profanation47. I couldn’t bear it.... And then—well, I’ve inherited some of it myself. I belong to that crowd. I’ve their ideas of marriage ... and the vestibule doesn’t marry a girl who—has lived with a man....”
“You’re afraid of them.”
“I am,” he said, and flushed.
“But if you loved her—really loved her—”
“I do,” he said, quickly, “but can’t one love without wanting to marry? That is a thing that puzzles me.”
“I don’t believe anybody can love and be willing under any circumstances to part with the person one loves.”
“I don’t know.... Isn’t it, possibly, better to love and to be a part of a beautiful, rather mysterious, glowing episode and to have it end while it is beautiful and mysterious?... Then something always remains—something dreamlike and lovely. To come down to actualities, to marry, to take this mystery into the land of grocers’ bills and house-cleaning and the every-day problems of marriage—why, it wouldn’t be the same thing at all.”
“I don’t think you believe that. You’re arguing with yourself and trying to salve your conscience.... You’re afraid to marry Andree and take her home—”
“That is part of it. I admit it. But—and I am sincere when I say it—I don’t know whether I want to marry her. I love her and she loves me.... She would be a wonderful wife—and yet, love and all, I don’t know whether I want to marry her.”
“You are just trying to deceive yourself. Either you don’t love her at all....”
“Would you marry a woman who had done what Andree has done?”
“It would depend on the woman—and upon how much I loved her.... You can’t generalize about that. It is a matter that nobody can decide except for himself in a particular instance. I do think, if I were a man, that I could marry your Andree without a thought....”
“But to take her out of her world—away from Paris where she is as natural and unconscious as the birds in the trees—and set her down for life in Detroit ... to be stared at and lied about and suspected ... it would make her miserable48.”
“Would it make her as miserable as to lose you altogether? If she had you and your love, no matter what unpleasant things were about, wouldn’t that be better than to be left behind here alone?”
“Yes,” he said, honestly. “Yes.”
She looked at him a moment, studying his face, which was set and anxious and overcast49, his eyes, which were dull and brooding, and a wave of compassion50 surged up within her.
“It has made you miserable,” she said. “I’m so sorry.”
“I deserve to be miserable.”
“Possibly not. Nobody can judge, but—this affair has been almost inevitable. It wasn’t your fault and it wasn’t Andree’s fault.... The circumstances were here, and you two got tangled51 up in them....” She glanced at her watch. “I must go now. I’m sorry I haven’t helped you—for—I wish I might help you.... Shall I see you again before you go?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Then this is good-by.” She held out her hand steadily52. “I hope matters turn out for—for your happiness.... Good-by.”
“I shall write you.”
She looked at him and smiled queerly, but made no rejoinder. “No, don’t come with me,” she said, as he walked to the door. “I’d rather go alone.... Good-by and a safe voyage.”
And so the first of the two women with whom his life had become involved stepped out of his life....
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收听单词发音
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1
ken
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| n.视野，知识领域 | |
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ware
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| n.(常用复数)商品，货物 | |
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predecessors
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| n.前任( predecessor的名词复数 )；前辈；（被取代的）原有事物；前身 | |
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epoch
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| n.(新)时代；历元 | |
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calamity
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| n.灾害，祸患，不幸事件 | |
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immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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proximity
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| n.接近，邻近 | |
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distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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postponed
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| vt.& vi.延期，缓办，（使）延迟vt.把…放在次要地位；[语]把…放在后面（或句尾）vi.（疟疾等）延缓发作（或复发） | |
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miraculous
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| adj.像奇迹一样的，不可思议的 | |
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inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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eluding
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| v.（尤指机敏地）避开( elude的现在分词 )；逃避；躲避；使达不到 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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cowardice
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| n.胆小，怯懦 | |
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reprieve
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| n.暂缓执行（死刑）；v.缓期执行；给…带来缓解 | |
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momentous
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| adj.重要的，重大的 | |
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entity
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| n.实体，独立存在体，实际存在物 | |
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perilous
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| adj.危险的，冒险的 | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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stark
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| adj.荒凉的；严酷的；完全的；adv.完全地 | |
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minor
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| adj.较小(少)的，较次要的；n.辅修学科；vi.辅修 | |
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trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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postponement
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| n.推迟 | |
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rue
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| n.懊悔，芸香，后悔；v.后悔，悲伤，懊悔 | |
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plight
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| n.困境，境况，誓约，艰难；vt.宣誓，保证，约定 | |
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climax
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| n.顶点；高潮；v.(使)达到顶点 | |
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anomalous
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| adj.反常的；不规则的 | |
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concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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promptly
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| adv.及时地，敏捷地 | |
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oasis
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| n.（沙漠中的）绿洲，宜人的地方 | |
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quaint
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| adj.古雅的，离奇有趣的，奇怪的 | |
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whittle
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| v.削（木头），削减；n.屠刀 | |
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revert
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| v.恢复，复归，回到 | |
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supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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dodges
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| n.闪躲( dodge的名词复数 )；躲避；伎俩；妙计v.闪躲( dodge的第三人称单数 )；回避 | |
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dodging
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| n.避开，闪过，音调改变v.闪躲( dodge的现在分词 )；回避 | |
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laboring
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| n.劳动，操劳v.努力争取(for)( labor的现在分词 )；苦干；详细分析；（指引擎）缓慢而困难地运转 | |
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defiantly
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| adv.挑战地，大胆对抗地 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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immoral
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| adj.不道德的，淫荡的，荒淫的，有伤风化的 | |
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ethics
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| n.伦理学；伦理观，道德标准 | |
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virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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eradicated
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| 画着根的 | |
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profanation
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| n.亵渎 | |
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48
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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overcast
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| adj.阴天的，阴暗的，愁闷的；v.遮盖，（使）变暗，包边缝；n.覆盖，阴天 | |
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compassion
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| n.同情，怜悯 | |
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51
tangled
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| adj. 纠缠的，紊乱的 动词tangle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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