When she shut the door of her sitting-room4 in the gloomy exclusive hotel in one of the quiet streets near Piccadilly, to which she had telegraphed for rooms, she subsided5 into the easiest chair and cried for half an hour; nor did she ascend6 from the slough7 of her despondency for the rest of the day. For the past four years she had lived virtually out of doors. As her angry frightened eyes looked back they recalled nothing but floods of golden light, an endless procession of Orientals, gleaming bronze or copper8, turbanned, hooded9, dressed in flowing robes of white or every primal10 hue11; streets, crooked12, latticed, balconied, sun-baked; gorgeous bazaars13; life, color, beauty, romance (to Western eyes) everywhere. She was come to a London wrapped in its old familiar drizzle14; huddled15 over the small grate, its cold penetrated16 her marrow17; in the narrow street, dull, grimy, flat, there was rarely a sound. As she had entered the ugly entrance hall below she had been met by two solemn footmen, one of whom had conducted her slowly up three flights of stairs (there was no lift in this exclusive hostelry); another followed an hour later with her luncheon18 of good food cooked abominably19. The butler stood in front of her like a statue and pretended not to observe her swollen20 eyes.
If she had been wise, she would have gone to the Carlton or the Ritz, where at least she could have descended21 at intervals22 into a very good similitude of luxury and magnificence, been able to fancy herself in the midst of “life”; she would have dined with brilliantly dressed and animated23 people, and, incidentally, been cheered by French cooking. But, like many others, she favored the small hotel where one was almost obliged to bring a letter of introduction, where one was supposed to be “at home” with personal servants; and where, indeed, one was as deeply immersed in privacy and silence as if quite at home in North Hampstead. Julia, who had been consoled for the loss of the dainty dishes of the East by the kaleidoscopic24 pleasures of the continent, choked over her shoulder of mutton, large-leaved greens, and hard round peas unseasoned, boiled potatoes, and pudding, wept once more after the remains25 and the butler had vanished, cursed women, and half determined26 to take the night train for Egypt and Syria.
She had not wanted to “be met,” shrinking from too prompt a reminder27 of the past. Now she wished that everybody she had ever known had crowded the platform at Victoria, and “rushed her about,” until she felt at home once more in this huge and dismal28 and overpowering mass of London. And as ill-luck would have it even her two best friends would be denied her for days, possibly for weeks. Ishbel was in Paris. Bridgit was in Cannes recovering from severe physical injuries incurred29 in the cause of woman. At one of the great Liberal meetings in the north, during the General Election, she had risen and demanded that the new Government declare its intentions regarding the enfranchisement30 of women. She had been pulled down, one man had held his hat before her face, and when she struggled to her feet again, protesting that she had the same right to interrupt the speaker with questions as any of the men that had gone unreproved, she had been dragged out by six stewards31 and plain-clothes detectives, with as much vigor32 as if she had been the six men and they the one dauntless female. They had mauled her, twisted her, pummelled her, and finally flung her with violence to the pavement. She had gathered herself up, although suffering from a broken rib33, attempted to address the crowd in the streets, been arrested and swept off to the town hall. She had given a false name that she might be shown no favor, and the next morning, refusing to pay her fine, was sent to gaol34 for seven days. She had lain in a cold cell for nearly twenty-four hours unattended, in solitary35 confinement36, and on a small allowance of food which she could not have eaten if well. At the gaol she asked to be sent to the hospital, but before her request was granted, a member of the new Government ascertained37 her name, and, horrified38 at the possible consequences to himself, paid her fine summarily, and sent her to a nursing home. Here she had lain until her broken rib had mended, and was now in the south of France assuaging39 a severe attack of intercostal neuralgia.
This story, told by Nigel, had filled Julia with an intense wrath40, and struck the first real spark of enthusiasm in her for the cause of woman, but it burned low in these dull hours of loneliness and nostalgia41, and she wished that her magnificent friend had remained as in the early days of their acquaintance, whole in bone and skin, and untroubled of mind.
But if Julia was acting42 much as the average woman acts during her first hours alone in an immense and inhospitable city, which the sun refuses to shine upon, a city that knows not of her existence and cares less, she was furious with herself, even before she recovered. Where was the poise, the serenity43, the grand impersonal44 attitude, she had learned from her subtle masters in the East? Where the full calm determination with which she had returned to take up her self-elected duties, to gratify a long latent but now full-grown ambition to build a unique pedestal for herself in the world; in other words, to achieve fame and power? Out there it had been both easy and natural to plan, to dream, to vision herself at the head of womankind, burning with the enthusiasm of the artist, even if the cause itself left her cold. She had believed herself made over to that extent, at least; and now she dared not see Nigel Herbert lest she marry him off-hand, and insure herself a life companion and the common happiness of woman.
She denied him admittance, even refusing to go down to the telephone (such were the primitive45 arrangements of this exclusive hostelry), and vowed46 that once more, peradventure for the last time, she would wrestle47 with her peculiar48 problem and inspect her new armor at every joint49.
For Julia, even during her first year in India, had learned lessons untaught by Eastern philosophers. She had no difficulty in recalling the moment when that green shoot had wriggled50 its head out of what she called the morass51 in the depths of her nature. She had been floating one moonlight night in a boat propelled by a turbanned silhouette52, on a small lake surrounded by a park as dense53 as a jungle. From the head of the lake rose a marble palace of many towers and balconies, whose white steps were in the green waters. Just overhead was poised54 the full moon,—a crystal lantern lit with a white flame. A nightingale was pouring forth55 its love song. Warm, delicious odors were wafted56 across the lake from the gardens about the palace.
Julia, whose soul had been steeped in all this beauty, her senses swimming with pleasure, suddenly, with no apparent volition57, sat upright and gasped58 with resentment59. Why was she alone on such a night? Why, in heaven’s name, was not a man with her,—the most charming man the world held, of course (there never was anything moderate in Julia’s demands upon Life)? why was not this perfect mate, his own soul steeped, his senses swimming, even as were her own, sitting beside her, looking at her with eyes that proclaimed them as one and divinely happy? It was the night and the place for the very fullness of love, and she was alone. How incongruous! How inartistic! What a waste! Women have been known to feel like this in Venice. How much more so Julia, in the untravelled undesecrated depths of India, at night, with the moon and the nightingale and the heavy warm scents60 of Oriental trees, and shrubs61, and flowers!
When Julia realized where her unleashed62 imagination had soared, she frowned, deliberately63 laughed, and opened her inner ear that she might enjoy the crash to earth. But she sat up all that night. From her room in the guest bungalow64 (her friends had provided her with many letters), she could look upon the white palace, gleaming like sculptured ivory against the black Eastern night, hear the waters lapping the marble steps. Strange sounds came out of the quarters devoted65 to the superfluous66 wives and their female offspring: passionate67 melancholy68 singing, sharp infuriated cries, monotonous69 string music, infinitely70 hopeless.
And she was free, free as the nightingale, free to love; young, beautiful, with the world at her feet. What a fool she was!
Although she had now been in India for nearly a year, this was the first time the sex within her had stirred, and she had been one with scenes lovelier than this, revelled71 from first to last in all the beauty and variety and mystery and color which she had craved72 so long in England. In spite of dirt and stench, of entomological bedfellows, bullock carts, and lack of every luxury in which the British soul delights, she was too young and too philosophical73 to have permitted the worst of these to interfere74 with her complete satisfaction. And it had, this wondrous75 East, absorbed and satisfied her until to-night. She had asked for nothing more. And now she wanted a lover.
Looking back upon her life with France, she discovered that she had practically forgiven him the moment she had been assured of his insanity76. No doubt he had been irresponsible from the first. This admission had subconsciously77 wiped out his offences, and with them the memory of that whole odious78 experience. She still blamed her mother, but she had pitied France when she thought of him at all. The heavy noxious79 growth in her soul had withered80 and disappeared, the dark waters turned clear and sparkling. She was ready for love, for the rights and the glory of youth.
Kneeling there, gazing out at the enchanted81 palace, watching the moon sail over the misty82 tree-tops to disappear into the dark embrace of the Himalayas, her annoyance83 passed, she exulted84 in this new development, these vast and turbulent demands. She would find love and find it soon.
With Julia to think was to do. The next day she set out on her quest. To love any of these Indian princes was out of the question, even though she might live in marble palaces for the rest of her life. There was nothing for it but to go to Calcutta and present her letters to the viceroy and notable British residents. She found Calcutta the most ill-smelling city on earth, but its society was brilliant and industrious85, and she met more charming men than in all her years in England. For some obscure reason Englishmen always are more charming, natural, and even original in the colonies and dependencies than on their own misty isle86. Perhaps they are more adaptable87 than they think, more susceptible88 to “atmosphere” than would seem possible, bred as they are into formalities and mannerisms of a thousand years of tradition, too hide-bound for mere89 human nature to combat unassisted.
Moreover, in India they wear helmets, which are vastly becoming, and white linen90 or khaki, which wars with stolidity91. Julia met them by the dozen and liked them all. She danced six nights out of seven, flirted92 in marble palaces whose steps were in the Ganges, on marble terraces vocal93 and scented94. She had never been so beautiful before, she was quite happy, she was indisputably the belle95 of the winter, she had several proposals under the most romantic conditions (carefully arranged by herself), and she was wholly unable to fall in love.
At the end of the season she understood, and was aghast. She demanded the wholly impossible in man, a man that never will emerge from woman’s imagination and come to life; a man without common weaknesses, who was never absurd, who was a miracle of tenderness, passion, strength, humor, justice, high-mindedness, magnetism96, intellect, cleverness, wit, sincerity97, mystery, fidelity98, provocation99, responsiveness, reserve; who was gay, serious, sympathetic, vital, stimulating100, always able to thrill, and never to bore; a being of light with no clay about him, who wooed like a god, and never looked funny when his feelings overcame him, and never perspired101, even in India.
In short, Julia packed her trunks and went to Benares to study Hindu philosophy.
But although she was not long finding her balance (in which humor played as distinguished102 a part as her learned masters), she never wholly ceased to be haunted by the vision of the perfect lover and the complete happiness he must bestow103 upon a woman as yet not all intellect. There were times when she sat up in bed at night exclaiming aloud in tones of indignation and surprise, “Where is my husband? Mine? He must exist on this immense earth. Where is he?”
She knew that other women of humor and intellect, Ishbel, for instance, had ended by accepting the best that life purposed to offer them, and been quite happy, or happy enough. But she dared make no such experiment with herself. Genius of some sort she had, and she guessed that geniuses had best be content with dreams and make no experiments with mere mortal men. She knew that if she exiled herself to America, or the continent of Europe, with the most satisfactory man she had met in Calcutta, or even with Nigel Herbert, she ran the risk of hating him and herself before the honeymoon104 was out. Nevertheless, the woman in her laughed at intellect and went on demanding and dreaming.
But all this did not affect her will nor hinder her mental progress. While automatically hoping, she was hopeless, and bent105 all her energies toward accomplishing that ideal of perfection she had vaguely106 outlined the night at White Lodge107 when once more settling the fate of Nigel. Here in Benares, sitting at the feet of men that appeared to live in their marvellous intellects, and to be quite purged108 of earthly dross109, it seemed simple enough to her strong will and brain. Of mysteries she was permitted more than one glimpse. She felt herself drawing from unseen, unfathomable sources a vital fluid which she chose to believe would in time restore in her that perfect balance of sex qualities, that unity110 in the ego111, which had been the birthright of the man-woman who rose first out of the chaos112 of the universe, who was happy until clove113 in half and sent forth to wage the eternal war of sex, even while striving blindly for completion. She learned that in former solar systems, whose record is open only to those so profoundly versed114 in occult lore115 that their disembodied selves read at will the invisible tablets, that chosen women had attained116 this state of perfection, of absolute knowledge, of original sex, and with it immortality119. Immortal118 women. Wonderful and haunting phrase! At certain periods of even earth’s history, they had reappeared in human form to accomplish their great and individual work. But their number so far had been few, and they were easily called to mind, these great women that stood out in history; indispensable, mysteriously powerful; disappearing when their work was done, and leaving none of their kind behind them.
Julia’s favorite teacher, an old Sufi Mohammedan named Hadji Sadr?, told her that the world, the Western world particularly, was ripe for them again, that now their numbers would be many, for modern conditions made their general supremacy120 possible for the first time in Earth’s history. There was no movement in the East or West that this old philosopher was not cognizant of, no tendency, no deep persistent121 stifled122 mutter; and although he had all the contempt of the ancient Oriental brain for the crude attempts of the Occident123 to think for itself, he had a growing respect for Western women, and told Julia that all conditions, both in the heavens and on the earth pointed124 to the coming reign125 of woman; led in the first place by those reincarnated126 immortal souls of whom he was convinced she was one, possibly the greatest. So he interpreted her horoscope, laughing at the narrow wisdom of the Western mind which could see naught127 but a ridiculous position in the peerage of Europe; the starry128 hieroglyphics129 plainly indicated that she was to rule her sex and lead it to victory.
All this was highly gratifying to Julia (to whom would it not be?), and feeling herself destined130 to greatness, found its spiritual part simpler of achievement than if the suggesting had been lacking. In this ideal of perfection there was no question of eliminating human nature, with its minor131 entrancing elements, its sympathy, tenderness, its power to love; merely the complete control of a highly trained mind over the baser desires, the contemptible132 faults, the foolish ambitions and temptations, which keep the average mind in a state of bondage133, restless, vaguely aspiring134, always dipping, and never happy. Nevertheless, love could be but an incident. The highest ideal was to stand alone. The greatest attributes of the masculine and female mind united in one mortal brain, the ability to obliterate135 the world at will and live in the contemplation of knowledge, the irresistible136 power which comes of absolute mastery of self and of living in self alone,—unity in the ego, independence of mortal conditions—here was the perfect ideal which Julia was bidden to attain117, which few but Orientals have even formulated137.
On this high flight had Julia been sustained during the following years. But, sitting in her gloomy, chill and tasteless London sitting-room, she looked back upon it as a fool’s paradise, and felt merely a dismal traveller in a strange city; but recalling a threat of Hadji Sadr?, dared not send for the man she still liked best in the world.
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1
poise
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| vt./vi. 平衡，保持平衡；n.泰然自若，自信 | |
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impulsiveness
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| n.冲动 | |
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ingenuousness
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| n.率直；正直；老实 | |
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sitting-room
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| n.（BrE）客厅，起居室 | |
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subsided
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| v.（土地）下陷（因在地下采矿）( subside的过去式和过去分词 )；减弱；下降至较低或正常水平；一下子坐在椅子等上 | |
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ascend
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| vi.渐渐上升，升高；vt.攀登，登上 | |
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slough
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| v.蜕皮，脱落，抛弃 | |
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copper
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| n.铜；铜币；铜器；adj.铜(制)的；(紫)铜色的 | |
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hooded
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| adj.戴头巾的；有罩盖的；颈部因肋骨运动而膨胀的 | |
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primal
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| adj.原始的；最重要的 | |
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hue
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| n.色度；色调；样子 | |
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crooked
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| adj.弯曲的；不诚实的，狡猾的，不正当的 | |
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bazaars
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| （东方国家的）市场( bazaar的名词复数 )； 义卖； 义卖市场； （出售花哨商品等的）小商品市场 | |
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14
drizzle
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| v.下毛毛雨；n.毛毛雨，蒙蒙细雨 | |
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huddled
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| 挤在一起（huddle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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penetrated
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| adj. 击穿的，鞭辟入里的 动词penetrate的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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marrow
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| n.骨髓；精华；活力 | |
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luncheon
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| n.午宴，午餐，便宴 | |
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abominably
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| adv. 可恶地，可恨地，恶劣地 | |
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swollen
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| adj.肿大的，水涨的；v.使变大，肿胀 | |
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descended
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| a.为...后裔的，出身于...的 | |
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intervals
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| n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 )；间隔时间；[数学]区间；（戏剧、电影或音乐会的）幕间休息 | |
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animated
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| adj.生气勃勃的，活跃的，愉快的 | |
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kaleidoscopic
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| adj.千变万化的 | |
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remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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reminder
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| n.提醒物，纪念品；暗示，提示 | |
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dismal
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| adj.阴沉的，凄凉的，令人忧郁的，差劲的 | |
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incurred
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| [医]招致的，遭受的； incur的过去式 | |
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enfranchisement
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| 选举权 | |
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stewards
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| （轮船、飞机等的）乘务员( steward的名词复数 )； （俱乐部、旅馆、工会等的）管理员； （大型活动的）组织者； （私人家中的）管家 | |
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vigor
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| n.活力，精力，元气 | |
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rib
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| n.肋骨，肋状物 | |
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gaol
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| n.(jail)监狱；(不加冠词)监禁；vt.使…坐牢 | |
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solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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confinement
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| n.幽禁，拘留，监禁；分娩；限制，局限 | |
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ascertained
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| v.弄清，确定，查明( ascertain的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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38
horrified
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| a.(表现出)恐惧的 | |
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assuaging
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| v.减轻( assuage的现在分词 )；缓和；平息；使安静 | |
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40
wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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41
nostalgia
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| n.怀乡病，留恋过去，怀旧 | |
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42
acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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43
serenity
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| n.宁静，沉着，晴朗 | |
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44
impersonal
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| adj.无个人感情的，与个人无关的，非人称的 | |
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45
primitive
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| adj.原始的；简单的；n.原(始)人，原始事物 | |
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46
vowed
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| 起誓，发誓（vow的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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47
wrestle
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| vi.摔跤，角力；搏斗；全力对付 | |
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48
peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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49
joint
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| adj.联合的，共同的；n.关节，接合处；v.连接，贴合 | |
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50
wriggled
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| v.扭动，蠕动，蜿蜒行进( wriggle的过去式和过去分词 )；（使身体某一部位）扭动；耍滑不做，逃避（应做的事等） | |
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51
morass
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| n.沼泽，困境 | |
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52
silhouette
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| n.黑色半身侧面影，影子，轮廓；v.描绘成侧面影，照出影子来，仅仅显出轮廓 | |
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53
dense
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| a.密集的，稠密的，浓密的；密度大的 | |
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54
poised
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| a.摆好姿势不动的 | |
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55
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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56
wafted
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| v.吹送，飘送，（使）浮动( waft的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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57
volition
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| n.意志；决意 | |
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58
gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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60
scents
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| n.香水( scent的名词复数 )；气味；（动物的）臭迹；（尤指狗的）嗅觉 | |
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61
shrubs
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| 灌木( shrub的名词复数 ) | |
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62
unleashed
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| v.把（感情、力量等）释放出来，发泄( unleash的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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64
bungalow
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| n.平房，周围有阳台的木造小平房 | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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66
superfluous
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| adj.过多的，过剩的，多余的 | |
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67
passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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68
melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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69
monotonous
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| adj.单调的，一成不变的，使人厌倦的 | |
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70
infinitely
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| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
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71
revelled
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| v.作乐( revel的过去式和过去分词 )；狂欢；着迷；陶醉 | |
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craved
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| 渴望，热望( crave的过去式 )； 恳求，请求 | |
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philosophical
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| adj.哲学家的，哲学上的，达观的 | |
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74
interfere
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| v.(in)干涉，干预；(with)妨碍，打扰 | |
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75
wondrous
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| adj.令人惊奇的，奇妙的；adv.惊人地；异乎寻常地；令人惊叹地 | |
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76
insanity
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| n.疯狂，精神错乱；极端的愚蠢，荒唐 | |
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77
subconsciously
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| ad.下意识地，潜意识地 | |
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78
odious
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| adj.可憎的，讨厌的 | |
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79
noxious
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| adj.有害的，有毒的；使道德败坏的，讨厌的 | |
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80
withered
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| adj. 枯萎的，干瘪的，（人身体的部分器官）因病萎缩的或未发育良好的 动词wither的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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81
enchanted
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| adj. 被施魔法的，陶醉的，入迷的 动词enchant的过去式和过去分词 | |
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82
misty
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| adj.雾蒙蒙的，有雾的 | |
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83
annoyance
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| n.恼怒，生气，烦恼 | |
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84
exulted
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| 狂喜，欢跃( exult的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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85
industrious
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| adj.勤劳的，刻苦的，奋发的 | |
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86
isle
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| n.小岛，岛 | |
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87
adaptable
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| adj.能适应的，适应性强的，可改编的 | |
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88
susceptible
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| adj.过敏的，敏感的；易动感情的，易受感动的 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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90
linen
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| n.亚麻布，亚麻线，亚麻制品；adj.亚麻布制的，亚麻的 | |
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91
stolidity
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| n.迟钝，感觉麻木 | |
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flirted
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| v.调情，打情骂俏( flirt的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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vocal
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| adj.直言不讳的；嗓音的；n.[pl.]声乐节目 | |
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scented
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| adj.有香味的；洒香水的；有气味的v.嗅到(scent的过去分词) | |
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belle
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| n.靓女 | |
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magnetism
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| n.磁性，吸引力，磁学 | |
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sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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98
fidelity
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| n.忠诚，忠实；精确 | |
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provocation
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| n.激怒，刺激，挑拨，挑衅的事物，激怒的原因 | |
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stimulating
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| adj.有启发性的，能激发人思考的 | |
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101
perspired
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| v.出汗，流汗( perspire的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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102
distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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103
bestow
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| v.把…赠与，把…授予；花费 | |
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104
honeymoon
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| n.蜜月（假期）；vi.度蜜月 | |
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105
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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106
vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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107
lodge
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| v.临时住宿，寄宿，寄存，容纳；n.传达室，小旅馆 | |
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108
purged
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| 清除（政敌等）( purge的过去式和过去分词 )； 涤除（罪恶等）； 净化（心灵、风气等）； 消除（错事等）的不良影响 | |
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109
dross
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| n.渣滓；无用之物 | |
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110
unity
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| n.团结，联合，统一；和睦，协调 | |
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111
ego
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| n.自我，自己，自尊 | |
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112
chaos
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| n.混乱，无秩序 | |
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113
clove
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| n.丁香味 | |
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114
versed
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| adj. 精通，熟练 | |
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115
lore
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| n.传说；学问，经验，知识 | |
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116
attained
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| （通常经过努力）实现( attain的过去式和过去分词 )； 达到； 获得； 达到（某年龄、水平、状况） | |
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117
attain
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| vt.达到，获得，完成 | |
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118
immortal
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| adj.不朽的；永生的，不死的；神的 | |
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119
immortality
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| n.不死，不朽 | |
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120
supremacy
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| n.至上；至高权力 | |
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121
persistent
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| adj.坚持不懈的，执意的；持续的 | |
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122
stifled
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| （使）窒息， （使）窒闷( stifle的过去式和过去分词 )； 镇压，遏制； 堵 | |
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123
occident
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| n.西方；欧美 | |
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124
pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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125
reign
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| n.统治时期，统治，支配，盛行；v.占优势 | |
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126
reincarnated
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| v.赋予新形体，使转世化身( reincarnate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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127
naught
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| n.无，零 [=nought] | |
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128
starry
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| adj.星光照耀的, 闪亮的 | |
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129
hieroglyphics
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| n.pl.象形文字 | |
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130
destined
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| adj.命中注定的；(for)以…为目的地的 | |
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131
minor
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| adj.较小(少)的，较次要的；n.辅修学科；vi.辅修 | |
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132
contemptible
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| adj.可鄙的，可轻视的，卑劣的 | |
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133
bondage
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| n.奴役，束缚 | |
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134
aspiring
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| adj.有志气的；有抱负的；高耸的v.渴望；追求 | |
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135
obliterate
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| v.擦去，涂抹，去掉...痕迹，消失，除去 | |
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136
irresistible
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| adj.非常诱人的，无法拒绝的，无法抗拒的 | |
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137
formulated
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| v.构想出( formulate的过去式和过去分词 )；规划；确切地阐述；用公式表示 | |
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