Here, she discovered to her dismay that California was not farther off than sleep. Perversely3, she would not relax, nor go through any of the other forms with which she had always been able to summon sleep when excited. She doubted if they would conquer these new impressions, but refused to give them a trial. She lay awake until nearly dawn, the events of the day marching through her brain with maddening reiteration4. She dreaded5 sleep, also, for now at least her brain was stimulated6, and she guessed that it would be correspondingly depressed7 upon awakening8. So it was. The weather, also, had changed. It was raining.
When Julia heard the heavy raindrops splashing on her balcony, she sat up with a gasp9 of horror, then laughed grimly. But this conspiracy10 of Nature gave her a certain obstinate11 fortitude12, and she rose at once, took a cold bath, and dressed. But when she opened her door to go down to the dining-room, her courage failed her, and she rang and ordered breakfast to be brought upstairs.
“What am I to do?” she thought in terror. “What am I to do?”
It rained all day. Julia had brought no storm clothes. She prowled about the halls, getting what exercise she could, but dared not go downstairs. She sent for books from the library, but they might have been written in Greek. She summoned resolution to go to the dining-room at seven o’clock, but turned at the door, and ran back to her room. She saw Tay at every turn, and to sit alone at the table with his empty chair opposite, was beyond her endurance. Nor could she eat the food brought to her room. She went to bed again, and slept fitfully.
She awoke in the small hours to hear it still raining, and this time she fell into a fury over her demoralization.
“And this is love!” she thought. “Terrors! Ignominy! A will turned to water. I’d not be more helpless if I were in a hospital with typhoid fever.”
Her mind suddenly flew to the conversation with her friends on the night she had last dined with Ishbel. Should she go to Paris and rid herself of the disease once for all? What prospect13 of happiness if love were able to induce a misery14 keener than any of its compensations? If she could feel like this now, knowing that he loved her, and that the separation was but a matter of time, what might she not suffer if he ceased to love her, if he gave her cause for jealousy15, if she found herself disappointed in him? It would be worse, far worse. Now, at least, she was—not free; no one ever felt more of a slave—but at least with the power to attain16 freedom. There would be a deep satisfaction, to say nothing of relief, in the knowledge that she never need think of him again—this man that had destroyed her fine poise17, her remarkable18 powers, made her the slave of the race, the victim of the ancient instinct, a mere19 instrument upon which Nature was playing her old tune20 in contemptuous disregard of those years in which she had dwelt on impersonal21 heights seldom attained22 by young and beautiful women. She almost hated him. Better have done with it at once. In all her life with France she had never known depression like this, for love adds the sense of impotence to calamity23.
She got out of bed, without ringing for her bath, and began to pack her trunk. She didn’t care if she never took a bath again. She hated herself, and she hated Tay. Above all she hated the rain.
But in the midst of her packing she sat back on the floor and scowled24. To receive suggestions one must be perfectly25 amenable26. There must be no reserve at the back of the head. Although she ground her teeth, she admitted that she would permit no man, no science, to destroy the image of Tay in her mind, root him out of her life. Nor would she confess herself a coward—nor violate the jealous instincts of her sex. If the time came when she must banish27 him, she would do it herself. Good God! She was female all through. Suffering was a part of her birthright. She would give up not the least of the accompaniments of love.
Cursing herself for a fool, she rang for her bath, dressed herself, and determined28 to walk out of doors, if the valley had turned into a lake.
But by the time she had swallowed her coffee and rolls the skies had cleared, and she started out with a guide and a sled. There was always excitement in tobogganing. For a bit the keen air revived her, but the hills and valley had new terrors, for every step reminded her of her lover. Black protest left her, but was followed by a sadness so profound that she feared to dissolve in the presence of her guide, and sent him home. She had planned to visit the lake, but she found that it would be as easy to break her word and follow Tay to London.
A new and horrid29 fear had begun to haunt her. Did he really love her as he had loved her before she had made him, for a few moments, at least, the plaything of her will and her science? He had forgiven her, but must not such a memory rankle30, eventually induce a permanent resentment31—fear—hatred possibly?
She returned to her room, the only place unassociated with him. But although it was a refuge in a sense, she found little comfort in it, for the very atmosphere was thick with her long hours of misery. She sat down and made a deliberate attempt to banish her depression, that manifest of Nature’s resentment at even the temporary balking32 of her desires.
“The ancient instinct!” she thought bitterly. “We are all the same fools when it comes to a man—the man—when the race is trying to struggle on through its victims.” She looked back upon the past eight years as upon a period of transcendent happiness. More than ever she was convinced that the only unmitigated happiness lay in self-completion, in independence of the sex in man. Love was a splendid disease induced by Nature to further her one end; accompanied by moments of hallucination called happiness, but which in the last analysis were but the prelude33 to a lifetime of every variety of sorrow and disillusion34. On the other hand, the women that steered35 safely clear of this smiling island with a thousand jagged teeth beneath the rippling36 waters, and elected to stand alone, were free to accept the other great gifts of life, to attain to a form of serenity37 and content, beside which love and its delusions38 were the earthly hell. In the last four years she had never cast a thought to love, the future had loomed39 as perfect as the present. And she had weakly slid down into chaos40!
The immortal41 women! Oh, lord! Oh, lord!
She reviewed her life from the time when, the wife of an abhorred42 husband, she had begun, unconsciously at first, to build up that strength, which, when the crucial tests came, enabled her to control, in a measure, the present, to exult43 in the knowledge that she had proved herself stronger than life; instead of losing her mind, or becoming the plaything of men. She had even dismissed Nigel Herbert when he came with freedom and something like happiness in his hand; proud of her strength to work out her destiny unaided.
Strength! Her mind flew from this vision of past solidarity44 to her years at the feet of the wise men of Benares. It was not pleasant to dwell upon the compliments of Hadji Sadr?, but she recalled his initiations and suggestions, and those of Swani Dambaba; they had given her a power over herself and others seldom possessed45 by Occidentals. But she could hardly formulate46 them; they were enveloped47 in a haze48, as elusive49 and remote as dreams. Had she been but cunningly equipped to play her part in the great battle; and, the part played, was she perchance set free to follow the commoner destiny of woman? There was some satisfaction in the thought, but her ego50 felt slapped in the face. She had fancied her destiny mightily51, and this anticlimax52 was no part of the program of the immortal women. Still, why not? Her inner vision, sharpened though it might have been by her masters, could not pierce the future, nor her judgment53, while captive in the gray matter of the mortal brain, presume to determine exactly what destinies those immortal women had mapped out for themselves on earth. For all she knew Tay might have been composed to save his country, and hers the glorious part to help him.
But at this point she sat down on the floor once more and finished the packing of her trunk. None knew better than she the distinguished54 powers of the human mind for self-deception. With her own personal gift for subtle reasoning, to say nothing of her imagination, she could persuade herself in another fifteen minutes that it was her duty to take the first steamer for New York and await Tay in the facile state of Nevada. She should reason no more, but be guided by events. Meanwhile let love devour55 her, burn her up, torment56 her with fears, exalt57 her with visions of the perfect union. But not in Partenkirchen. She should amuse herself in Berlin until Tay’s final telegram set her free to go to Nevis. “The dog to its kennel,” she thought grimly. “That’s the place for me. I’ll find my balance there if anywhere.”
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1
inertly
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| adv.不活泼地，无生气地 | |
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2
rattle
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| v.飞奔，碰响；激怒；n.碰撞声；拨浪鼓 | |
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3
perversely
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| adv. 倔强地 | |
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reiteration
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| n. 重覆, 反覆, 重说 | |
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5
dreaded
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| adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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stimulated
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| a.刺激的 | |
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depressed
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| adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的 | |
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8
awakening
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| n.觉醒，醒悟 adj.觉醒中的；唤醒的 | |
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9
gasp
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| n.喘息，气喘；v.喘息；气吁吁他说 | |
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10
conspiracy
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| n.阴谋，密谋，共谋 | |
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11
obstinate
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| adj.顽固的，倔强的，不易屈服的，较难治愈的 | |
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12
fortitude
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| n.坚忍不拔；刚毅 | |
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13
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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14
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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16
attain
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| vt.达到，获得，完成 | |
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17
poise
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| vt./vi. 平衡，保持平衡；n.泰然自若，自信 | |
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18
remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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19
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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20
tune
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| n.调子；和谐，协调；v.调音，调节，调整 | |
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21
impersonal
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| adj.无个人感情的，与个人无关的，非人称的 | |
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22
attained
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| （通常经过努力）实现( attain的过去式和过去分词 )； 达到； 获得； 达到（某年龄、水平、状况） | |
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23
calamity
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| n.灾害，祸患，不幸事件 | |
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24
scowled
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| 怒视，生气地皱眉( scowl的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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25
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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26
amenable
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| adj.经得起检验的；顺从的；对负有义务的 | |
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27
banish
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| vt.放逐，驱逐；消除，排除 | |
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28
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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29
horrid
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| adj.可怕的；令人惊恐的；恐怖的；极讨厌的 | |
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30
rankle
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| v.（怨恨，失望等）难以释怀 | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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32
balking
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| n.慢行，阻行v.畏缩不前，犹豫( balk的现在分词 )；（指马）不肯跑 | |
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33
prelude
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| n.序言，前兆，序曲 | |
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34
disillusion
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| vt.使不再抱幻想，使理想破灭 | |
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35
steered
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| v.驾驶( steer的过去式和过去分词 )；操纵；控制；引导 | |
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36
rippling
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| 起涟漪的，潺潺流水般声音的 | |
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37
serenity
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| n.宁静，沉着，晴朗 | |
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38
delusions
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| n.欺骗( delusion的名词复数 )；谬见；错觉；妄想 | |
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39
loomed
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| v.隐约出现，阴森地逼近( loom的过去式和过去分词 )；隐约出现，阴森地逼近 | |
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40
chaos
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| n.混乱，无秩序 | |
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41
immortal
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| adj.不朽的；永生的，不死的；神的 | |
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42
abhorred
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| v.憎恶( abhor的过去式和过去分词 )；（厌恶地）回避；拒绝；淘汰 | |
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43
exult
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| v.狂喜，欢腾；欢欣鼓舞 | |
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44
solidarity
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| n.团结；休戚相关 | |
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45
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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46
formulate
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| v.用公式表示；规划；设计；系统地阐述 | |
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47
enveloped
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| v.包围，笼罩，包住( envelop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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48
haze
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| n.霾，烟雾；懵懂，迷糊；vi.(over)变模糊 | |
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49
elusive
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| adj.难以表达(捉摸)的；令人困惑的；逃避的 | |
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50
ego
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| n.自我，自己，自尊 | |
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51
mightily
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| ad.强烈地；非常地 | |
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52
anticlimax
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| n.令人扫兴的结局；突降法 | |
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53
judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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54
distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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55
devour
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| v.吞没；贪婪地注视或谛听，贪读；使着迷 | |
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56
torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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57
exalt
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| v.赞扬，歌颂，晋升，提升 | |
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