"No. It was the other way around. I hadn't had it for months, not since I fell in love with him, then he got assigned to that "Which Tomorrow?" show and he started calling me "Lucky," the way everybody does, and the dream came back...." She stopped short, and turned on the couch to stare at the psychiatrist4 with startled eyes. "But that can't be how it was," she said. "The lonesomeness must have started after I decided5 not to marry him, not before."
"I wonder why the dream stopped when you fell in love with him."
"That's easy," Lucilla said promptly6, grasping at the chance to evade7 her own more disturbing question. "I felt close to him, whether he was with me or not, the way I used to feel close to people back when I was a little girl, before ... well, before that day in the mountains ... when Mother said...."
"That was when you started having the dream, wasn't it?"
"How'd you know? I didn't—not until just now. But, yes, that's when it started. I'd never minded the dark or being alone, but I was frightened when Mother shut the door that night, because the walls seemed so ... so solid, now that I knew all the thoughts I used to think were with me there were just pretend. When I finally went to sleep, I dreamed, and I went on having the same dream, night after night after night, until finally they called a doctor and he gave me something to make me sleep."
"I wish they'd called me," Dr. Andrews said.
"What could you have done? The sleeping pills worked, anyway, and after a while I didn't need them any more, because I'd heard other kids talking about having hunches8 and lucky streaks9 and I stopped feeling different from the rest of them, except once in a while, when I was so lucky it ... bothered me."
"And after you met Paul, you stopped being ... too lucky ... and the dream stopped?"
"No!" Lucilla was startled at her own vehemence10. "No, it wasn't like that at all, and you'd know it, if you'd been listening. With Paul, I felt close to him all the time, no matter how many miles or walls or anything else there were between us. We hardly had to talk at all, because we seemed to know just what the other one was thinking all the time, listening to music, or watching the waves pound in or just working together at the office. Instead of feeling ... odd ... when I knew what he was thinking or what he was going to say, I felt good about it, because I was so sure it was the same way with him and what I was thinking. We didn't talk about it. There just wasn't any need to." She lapsed11 into silence again. Dr. Andrews straightened her clenched12 hand out and stroked the fingers gently. After a moment, she went on.
"He hadn't asked me to marry him, but I knew he would, and there wasn't any hurry, because everything was so perfect, anyway. Then one of the company's clients decided to sponsor a series of fantasy shows on TV and wanted us to tie in the ads for next year with the fantasy theme. Paul was assigned to the account, and G.G. let him borrow me to work on it, because it was such a rush project. I'd always liked fairy stories when I was little and when I discovered there were grown-up ones, too, like those in Unknown Worlds and the old Weird13 Tales, I read them, too. But I hadn't any idea how much there was, until we started buying copies of everything there was on the news-stands, and then ransacking14 musty little stores for back issues and ones that had gone out of publication, until Paul's office was just full of teetery piles of gaudy15 magazines and everywhere you looked there were pictures of strange stars and eight-legged monsters and men in space suits."
"So what do the magazines have to do with you and Paul?"
"The way he felt about them changed everything. He just laughed at the ones about space ships and other planets and robots and things, but he didn't laugh when came across stories about ... well, mutants, and people with talents...."
"Talents? Like reading minds, you mean?"
She nodded, not looking at him. "He didn't laugh at those. He acted as if they were ... well, indecent. The sort of thing you wouldn't be caught dead reading in public. And he thought that way, too, especially about the stories that even mentioned telepathy. At first, when he brought them to my attention in that disapproving16 way, I thought he was just pretending to sneer17, to tease me, because he—we—knew they could be true. Only his thoughts matched his remarks. He hated the stories, Dr. Andrews, and was just determined18 to have me hate them, too. All at once I began to feel as if I didn't know him at all and I began to wonder if I'd just imagined everything all those months I felt so close to him. And then I began to dream again, and to think about that lonesome silent world even when I was wide awake."
"Go on, Lucilla," Dr. Andrews said, as she hesitated.
"That's all, just about. We finished the job and got rid of the magazines and for a little while it was almost as if those two weeks had never been, except I couldn't forget that he didn't know what I was thinking at all, even when everything he did, almost, made it seem as if he did. It began to seem wrong for me to know what he was thinking. Crazy, like Mother had said, and worse, somehow. Not well, not even nice, if you know what I mean."
"Then he asked you to marry him."
"And I said no, even when I wanted, oh, so terribly, to say yes and yes and yes." She squeezed her eyes tight shut to hold back a rush of tears.
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1
tightened
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| 收紧( tighten的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）变紧； （使）绷紧； 加紧 | |
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reassuringly
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| ad.安心，可靠 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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psychiatrist
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| n.精神病专家；精神病医师 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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promptly
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| adv.及时地，敏捷地 | |
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evade
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| vt.逃避，回避；避开，躲避 | |
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hunches
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| 预感，直觉( hunch的名词复数 ) | |
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streaks
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| n.（与周围有所不同的）条纹( streak的名词复数 )；（通常指不好的）特征（倾向）；（不断经历成功或失败的）一段时期v.快速移动( streak的第三人称单数 )；使布满条纹 | |
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vehemence
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| n.热切；激烈；愤怒 | |
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lapsed
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| adj.流失的，堕落的v.退步( lapse的过去式和过去分词 )；陷入；倒退；丧失 | |
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12
clenched
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| v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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13
weird
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| adj.古怪的，离奇的；怪诞的，神秘而可怕的 | |
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14
ransacking
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| v.彻底搜查( ransack的现在分词 )；抢劫，掠夺 | |
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15
gaudy
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| adj.华而不实的；俗丽的 | |
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16
disapproving
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| adj.不满的，反对的v.不赞成( disapprove的现在分词 ) | |
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17
sneer
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| v.轻蔑；嘲笑；n.嘲笑，讥讽的言语 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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