“What’s the matter, Doc?” asked Wallingford.
“Sciatic rheumatism2!” howled the martyr3. “It’s gettin’ worse every year. Every time I go on the street for a night I know I’m goin’ to suffer. That’s why I keep it up so late and spiel myself hoarse4 in the neck. I jumped into town just yesterday and got a reader from these city hall pirates. They charged me twenty-five iron men for my license5 for the week. I go out and make one pitch, and that’s all I get for my twenty-five.”
“Sciatic rheumatism’s a tough dose,” commiserated6 Wallingford. “Why don’t you take five or six bottles of the Peerless Sciatacata?”
The answer to this was a storm of fervid7 expletives which needed no diagram. Wallingford, [Pg 319]chuckling, sat down and gloated over the doctor’s misery8, lighting9 a big, fat cigar to gloat at better ease. He offered a cigar to Quagg.
“I daresn’t smoke,” swore that invalid10.
“And I suppose you daresn’t drink, either,” observed Wallingford. “Well, that doesn’t stop me, you know.”
Wearily the doctor indicated a push-button.
“You’ll have to ring for a boy yourself,” said he.
When the boy came Wallingford ordered a highball.
“And what’s yours, sir?” asked the boy, turning to the doctor.
“Lithia, you bullet-headed nigger!” roared the doctor with a twinge of pain in his leg. “That’s twice to-day I’ve had to tell you I can’t drink anything but lithia. Get out!”
The boy “got,” grinning.
“Seriously, though, old man,” said Wallingford, judging that the doctor had been aggravated11 long enough, “your condition must be very bad for business, and I’ve come to make you a proposition to go into the manufacture of the Peerless on a large scale.”
[Pg 320]
The doctor sat in silence for a moment, shaking his head despondently12.
“You can’t get spielers,” he declared. “I’ve tried it. Once I made up a lot of the Sciatacata and sent out three men; picked the best I could find that had made good with street-corner pitches in other lines, and their sales weren’t half what mine would be; moreover, they got drunk on the job, didn’t pay for their goods, and were a nuisance any way you took ’em.”
Wallingford laughed.
“I didn’t mean that we should manufacture the priceless remedy for street fakers to handle,” he explained. “I propose to start a big factory to supply drug-stores through the jobbing trade, to spend a hundred thousand dollars in advertising13 right off the bat, give you stock in the company for the use of your formula, and a big salary to superintend the manufacture. That will do away with your exposure to the night air, stop the increase of your sciatica, and make you more money. Why, Doc, just to begin with we’ll give you ten thousand dollars’ worth of stock.”
It took Doctor Quagg some time to recover from the shock of that much money.
[Pg 321]
“I’ve heard of such things,” said he gratefully, “but I never supposed it could happen to me.”
“You don’t need to put up a cent,” went on Wallingford. “And I don’t need to put up a cent. We’ll use other people’s money.”
“Where are you going to get your share?” asked the doctor suspiciously. “Are you going to have a salary, too?”
“No,” said Wallingford. “We’ll pay you thirty-five dollars to start with as superintendent15 of the manufacturing department, but I won’t ask for a salary; I’ll take a royalty17 of one cent a bottle as manager of the company. I’ll take five thousand dollars’ worth of stock for my services in promotion18, and then for selling the stock I’ll take twenty-five per cent. of the par16 value for all I place, but will take it out in stock at the market rate. We’ll organize for half a million and begin selling stock at fifty cents on the dollar, and I’ll guarantee to raise for us one hundred and twenty-five thousand net cash—twenty-five thousand for manufacturing and one hundred thousand for advertising.”
The doctor drew a long breath.
“If you can do that you’re a wonder,” he declared; “but it don’t seem to me you’re taking [Pg 322]enough for yourself. You’re giving me ten thousand dollars and you’re only taking five; you’re giving me thirty-five dollars a week and you’re only taking a cent a bottle. It seems to me the job of organizing and building up such a company is worth as much as the Sciatacata.”
“Don’t you worry about me,” protested J. Rufus modestly. “I’ll get along all right. I’m satisfied. We’ll organize the company to-day.”
“You can’t get all that money together in a day!” exclaimed the doctor in amazement19.
“Oh, no; I don’t expect to try it. I’ll put up all the money necessary. We want five directors, and we have three of them now, you and my wife and I. Do you know anybody around the hotel that would serve?”
The doctor snorted contemptuously.
“Nobody that’s got any money or responsibility,” he asserted.
“They don’t need to have any money, and we don’t want them to have any responsibility,” protested Wallingford. “Anybody of voting age will do for us just now.”
“Well,” said the doctor reflectively, “the night clerk’s a pretty good fellow, and the head dining-room [Pg 323]girl here has always been mighty20 nice to me. She’s some relation to the proprietor21 and she’s been here for five years.”
“Good,” said Wallingford. “I’ll telephone out for a lawyer.”
There was no telephone in the room, but down-stairs Wallingford found a pay ’phone and selected a lawyer at random22 from the telephone directory. Within two hours Wallingford and his wife, Doctor Quagg, Albert Blesser and Carrie Schwam had gravely applied23 for a charter of incorporation24 under the laws of the state, for The Doctor Quagg Peerless Sciatacata Company, with a capital stock of one thousand dollars, fully14 paid in. As he signed his name the doctor laughed like a school-boy.
“Now,” said he, “I’m going to get my hair cut.”
Wallingford stopped him in positive fright.
“Don’t you dare do it!” he protested.
“Is that hair necessary to the business?” asked the doctor, crestfallen25.
“Absolutely,” declared Wallingford. “Why, man, that back curtain of yours is ten per cent. dividends26.”
“Then I’ll wear it,” agreed the doctor resignedly; “but I hate to. You know I’ve honed for years [Pg 324]to quit this batting around the country, and just ached to wear short hair and a derby hat like a white man.”
Wallingford looked at the weather-bronzed face and shook his head.
“What a pity that would be!” he declared. “However, Doc, your wanderings cease from this minute, and your salary begins from to-day.”
“Fine,” breathed the doctor. “I say, Wallingford, then suppose you order me about three gross of bottles and some fresh labels. I’ll get the drugs myself and start in making a supply of the Sciatacata.”
“You just nurse your leg,” advised Wallingford. “Why, man, when we start manufacturing the Peerless it will be in vats27 holding a hundred gallons, and will be bottled by machinery28 that will fill, cork29 and label a hundred bottles a minute. You’re to superintend mixing; that’s your job.”
It took many days, days of irksome loafing for the doctor, before they had their final incorporation papers. Immediately they elected themselves as directors, made Quagg president, Wallingford secretary and Albert Blesser treasurer30, and voted for an increase of capitalization to one-half million [Pg 325]dollars. They gave Quagg his hundred shares and Wallingford his fifty; they voted Quagg his salary and Wallingford his royalty; also they voted Wallingford an honorarium31 of twenty-five per cent., payable32 in stock, for disposing of such of the treasury33 shares as they needed issued, and immediately Wallingford, who had spent the interim34 in cultivating acquaintances, began to secure investors35.
He sold more than mere36 stock, however. He sold Doctor Quagg’s hair and sombrero; he sold glowing word pictures of immense profits, and he sold the success of all other patent medicine companies; he sold his own imposing37 height and broad chest, his own jovial38 smile and twinkling eye, his own prosperous grooming39 and good feeding—and those who bought felt themselves blessed.
First of all, he sold fifty thousand dollars’ worth for twenty-five thousand to young Corbin, whereupon Mr. Blesser, as per instructions, resigned from the treasurership40 and directorate in favor of Mr. Corbin. Wallingford got fifteen thousand dollars from Doctor Lazzier, and ten from young Paley, and with fifty thousand dollars in the treasury sent for an advertising man and gave out a hundred-thousand-dollar contract.
[Pg 326]
“For the first half of this campaign,” he explained to the advertising man, “I want this one ad spread everywhere: ‘Laugh at That Woozy Feeling.’ This is to cover the top half of the space in good, plain, bold letters. In place of leaving the bottom blank for kids to scribble41 reasons of their own why you should laugh at that woozy feeling, we’ll put gray shadow-figures there—grandpa and grandma and pa and ma and Albert and Henry and Susan and Grace and little Willie, all laughing fit to kill. And say, have it a real laugh. Have it the sort of a laugh that’ll make anybody that looks at it want to be happy. Of course, later, I want you to cover up the bottom half of that advertisement with: ‘Use Doctor Quagg’s Peerless Sciatacata,’ or something like that, but I’ll furnish you the copy for that when the time comes. It will be printed right over the laughing faces.”
“It should make a very good ad,” commented the agent with enthusiasm, writing out the instructions Wallingford gave him, and willing to approve of anything for that size contract.
Wallingford went home to his wife, filled with a virtuous42 glow.
“You know, there’s something I like about this [Pg 327]straight business, Fannie,” said he. “It gives a fellow a sort of clean feeling. I’m going to build up a million-dollar business and make everybody concerned in it rich, including myself. Already I’ve placed one hundred thousand dollars’ worth of stock, have fifty thousand dollars cash in the treasury, and fifty-five thousand dollars’ worth of stock for myself.”
She looked puzzled.
“I thought you were to get only twenty-five per cent. for selling the stock.”
He chuckled43; shoulders, chest and throat, eyes and lips and chin, he chuckled.
“Twenty-five per cent. of the par value,” said he, “payable in stock at the market price.”
“I don’t see the difference,” she protested. “I’m sure I thought it was to be straight twenty-five per cent., and I’m sure all the members of the company thought so.”
He patiently explained it to her.
“Don’t you see, if I sell one hundred thousand dollars’ worth of stock, I get the same as twenty-five thousand dollars for it, and with that buy fifty thousand dollars’ worth of stock? Of course I get it at the same price as others—fifty per cent.”
[Pg 328]
“Did they understand you’d get fifty thousand instead of twenty-five thousand?” she asked.
He chuckled again.
“If they didn’t they will,” he admitted.
She pondered over that thoughtfully for a while.
“Is that straight business?” she inquired.
“Of course it’s straight business or I wouldn’t be doing it. It is perfectly44 legitimate45. You just don’t understand.”
“No,” she confessed, “I guess I don’t; only I thought it was just twenty-five per cent.”
“It is twenty-five per cent.,” he insisted, and then he gave it up. “You’d better quit thinking,” he advised. “It’ll put wrinkles in your brow, and I’m the one that has the wrinkles scheduled. I’ve just contracted for one hundred thousand dollars’ worth of advertising, and I’ve got to go out to sell enough stock to bring in the cash. Also, I’ve rented a factory, and to-morrow I’m going to let out contracts for bottling machinery, vats and fixtures46. I’ve already ordered the office furniture. You ought to see it. It’s swell47. I’m having some lithographed stationery48 made, too, embossed in four colors, with a picture of Doctor Quagg in the corner.”
“How much stock has the doctor?” she asked.
[Pg 329]
“Ten thousand.”
“Is that all he’s going to have?” she wanted to know.
“Why, certainly, that’s all he’s going to have. I made the bargain with him and he’s satisfied.”
“Ten thousand dollars’ worth out of a half-million-dollar corporation? Why, Jim, for his medicine, upon which the whole business is built, he only gets—how much is that of all of it?”
“One fiftieth, or two per cent.,” he told her.
“Two per cent.!” she gasped49. “Is that straight business, Jim?”
“Of course it’s straight business,” he assured her. “Of course,” and he smiled, “Doc didn’t stop to figure that he only gets two per cent. of the profits of the concern. He figures that he’s to draw dividends on the large hunk of ten thousand dollars’ worth of stock, and he’s satisfied. Why aren’t you?”
“I don’t know,” she replied slowly, still with the vague feeling that something was wrong. “Really, Jim, it don’t seem to me that straight business is any more fair than crooked50 business.”
Wallingford was hugely disappointed.
“And that’s all the appreciation51 I get for confining [Pg 330]myself to the straight and narrow!” he exclaimed.
“Oh, I didn’t mean that, Jim,” she said, with instant contrition52. “You don’t know how glad I am that now, since we’re married, you have settled down to honorable things; and you’ll make a fortune, I know you will.”
“You bet I will,” he agreed. “In the meantime I have to go out and dig up seventy-five thousand dollars more of other people’s money to put into this concern; which will give me another seventy-five thousand dollars’ worth of stock! Straight business pays, Fannie!”
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1
propped
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| 支撑，支持，维持( prop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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rheumatism
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| n.风湿病 | |
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martyr
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| n.烈士，殉难者；vt.杀害，折磨，牺牲 | |
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hoarse
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| adj.嘶哑的，沙哑的 | |
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license
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| n.执照，许可证，特许；v.许可，特许 | |
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6
commiserated
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| v.怜悯，同情( commiserate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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fervid
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| adj.热情的；炽热的 | |
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8
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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lighting
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| n.照明，光线的明暗，舞台灯光 | |
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invalid
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| n.病人，伤残人；adj.有病的，伤残的；无效的 | |
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aggravated
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| 使恶化( aggravate的过去式和过去分词 )； 使更严重； 激怒； 使恼火 | |
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12
despondently
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| adv.沮丧地，意志消沉地 | |
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13
advertising
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| n.广告业；广告活动 a.广告的；广告业务的 | |
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14
fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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15
superintendent
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| n.监督人，主管，总监；(英国)警务长 | |
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par
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| n.标准，票面价值，平均数量；adj.票面的，平常的，标准的 | |
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royalty
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| n.皇家，皇族 | |
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promotion
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| n.提升，晋级；促销，宣传 | |
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19
amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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proprietor
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| n.所有人；业主；经营者 | |
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22
random
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| adj.随机的；任意的；n.偶然的(或随便的)行动 | |
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applied
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| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
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incorporation
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| n.设立，合并，法人组织 | |
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crestfallen
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| adj. 挫败的，失望的，沮丧的 | |
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dividends
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| 红利( dividend的名词复数 )； 股息； 被除数； （足球彩票的）彩金 | |
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vats
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| varieties 变化，多样性，种类 | |
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28
machinery
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| n.(总称)机械，机器；机构 | |
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cork
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| n.软木，软木塞 | |
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treasurer
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| n.司库，财务主管 | |
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honorarium
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| n.酬金，谢礼 | |
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32
payable
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| adj.可付的，应付的，有利益的 | |
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33
treasury
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| n.宝库；国库，金库；文库 | |
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34
interim
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| adj.暂时的，临时的；n.间歇，过渡期间 | |
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35
investors
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| n.投资者，出资者( investor的名词复数 ) | |
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36
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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imposing
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| adj.使人难忘的，壮丽的，堂皇的，雄伟的 | |
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jovial
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| adj.快乐的，好交际的 | |
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grooming
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| n. 修饰, 美容，（动物）梳理毛发 | |
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treasurership
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| 会计员的职位 | |
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41
scribble
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| v.潦草地书写，乱写，滥写；n.潦草的写法，潦草写成的东西，杂文 | |
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42
virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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43
chuckled
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| 轻声地笑( chuckle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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45
legitimate
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| adj.合法的，合理的，合乎逻辑的；v.使合法 | |
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46
fixtures
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| （房屋等的）固定装置( fixture的名词复数 )； 如（浴盆、抽水马桶）； 固定在某位置的人或物； （定期定点举行的）体育活动 | |
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47
swell
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| vi.膨胀，肿胀；增长，增强 | |
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48
stationery
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| n.文具；(配套的)信笺信封 | |
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49
gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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50
crooked
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| adj.弯曲的；不诚实的，狡猾的，不正当的 | |
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51
appreciation
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| n.评价；欣赏；感谢；领会，理解；价格上涨 | |
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52
contrition
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| n.悔罪，痛悔 | |
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