Within a short time Wallingford had the satisfaction of seeing bill-boards covered with his big sign ordering the public to “Laugh at That Woozy Feeling,” but not yet telling them how to do it, and he heard people idly wondering what the answer to that advertisement was going to be. Some of them resented having puzzles of the sort thrust in front of their eyes, others welcomed it as a cheerful diversion. Wallingford smiled at both sorts. He knew they would remember, and firmly link together the mystery and the solution. Cards bearing the same mandate1 stared down at every street-car rider, and newspaper readers found it impossible to evade2 the same command. All this advertising3, for the appearance of which Wallingford had waited, helped him to sell the stock to pay for itself, and, in the meantime, he was busy [Pg 332]putting into his new factory a bottling plant, second in its facility if not its capacity, to none in the country. He installed magnificent offices and for the doctor prepared an impressive private apartment, this latter being a cross between an alchemist’s laboratory and a fortune-teller’s oriental salon5; but alas6 and alack! the first day the doctor walked into his new office he had his hair close-cropped and wore a derby, with such monstrous7 effect that even Wallingford, inured8 as he was to most surprises, recoiled9 in horror!
From that moment the doctor became a hard one to manage. His first protest was against the Benson House, the old-fashioned, moderate-rate hotel which he had always patronized and had always recommended wherever he went. Thereafter he changed boarding-houses and family hotels about every two weeks; but he never had his hair cut after the once. The big mixing vats10 that Wallingford installed he grew to hate. He was used to mixing his Sciatacata in a hotel water-pitcher and filling it into bottles with a tin funnel11; and to mix up a hundred gallons at a time of that precious compound seemed a cold, commercial proposition which was so much a sacrilege that he went out and [Pg 333]“painted the town,” winding12 up in a fight with a cigar-store Indian. He left such a train of fireworks in his wake that Wallingford heard of it for weeks afterward13.
To J. Rufus the affair was a good joke, but to the other gentlemen of the company, Corbin, Paley and Doctor Lazzier and the others who had social reputations to maintain as well as business interests to guard, the affair was tragic15, not merely because one of their number had become intoxicated17, but that it should be this particular one, and that he should make himself so conspicuous18! The doctor repeated his escapade within a week. This time he took a notion to “circulate” in a cab, and as he got more mellow19, insisted upon sitting up with the driver, where he whooped20 sonorously21 every time they turned a corner. This time he finished in the hands of the police, and Wallingford was called upon at three o’clock in the morning to bail22 him out. Friends of Corbin and Paley and the other exclusives whom Wallingford had selected as his stock-holders began to drop in on them with pleasant little remarks about their business associate. The doctor had been bragging23 widely about his connection with them!
[Pg 334]
His crowning effort came when he continued his celebration of one night through the next day, and drove around to make a few party calls. He appeared like a specter of disgrace in Corbin’s private office with:
“Hello, old pal14, come out and have a drink!” and gave Corbin a hearty24 slap on the back.
Corbin gave a helpless glance across at the three prim25 young ladies on the other side of his open screen. Back of him a solemn-visaged old bookkeeper, who was both a deacon and Sunday-school superintendent26, looked on in shocked amazement27.
“Couldn’t begin to think of it, Doctor,” protested Corbin nervously28, pulling at his lavender cravat29, while the perspiration30 broke out upon his bald spot. “I must attend to business, you know.”
“Never mind the business!” insisted the doctor. “Wait till our Sciatacata factory is shipping31 in car-loads, partner, and you can afford to give this junk-shop away.”
Paley, happening in to speak to Corbin, created a diversion welcome to Corbin but unwelcome to himself, for the doctor immediately pounced32 upon Paley and insisted upon taking him out to get a drink, and the only way that narrow-framed young [Pg 335]man could get rid of him was to go along. He rode around in the cab with him for a while, and tried to dissuade33 him from calling upon Doctor Lazzier and the other stock-holders, but Quagg was obdurate34. To wind up the evening’s performance he appeared on a prominent street corner about nine o’clock, in a carriage with the gasolene torch and the life-size anatomical chart, and began selling the Peerless Sciatacata, calling upon the names of Wallingford, Lazzier, Corbin and Paley—his “partners”—as guarantees of his sincerity35 and standing36, and as sureties of the excellence37 of the priceless compound.
Wallingford heard about him quickly, for the picturesque38 Quagg had become a public joy and all the down-town crowd knew well about him. Wallingford went down to the corner with the intention of putting a stop to the exhibition, but, as he looked at the doctor, whose hair now dropped beneath his sombrero to nearly its old-time length, a new thought struck him and he went quietly away. The next day Corbin withdrew from the treasurership39 and Paley from the directorate, and every one of the directors who had taken the places of the original incorporators did likewise. Intimate relationship [Pg 336]with the doctor was productive of too much publicity40 for peaceful enjoyment41.
It was just at this time that the agent of the advertising concern began to bother Wallingford for “copy” on the last half of his contract. Wallingford, to placate42 him, finished paying for the contract and took the cash discount, but held the agent off two or three days in the matter of the “copy.” He was not quite satisfied about the wording of the advertisement. He sat up late one night devising the most concise43 and striking form in which to present the merits of Doctor Quagg’s Peerless Sciatacata, and in the morning he went down to the office prepared to mail the result of his labor4. He found upon his desk this note from the restless Doctor Quagg:
Spring’s here. I never stayed in one place so long in my life. You can have my salary and you can have my ten thousand dollars’ worth of stock. I don’t want it. My hair’s out good and long again and I’ve gone back on the road to sell the Sciatacata.
Yours truly,
Quagg.
It was the last straw, and the stock-holders’ meeting which Wallingford hastily called wore the [Pg 337]greenish pallor peculiar44 to landlubbers in their first sea storm.
“We don’t need Quagg,” Wallingford protested. “Our contract with him covers any rights he has in the title of the medicine, and the mere16 fact that he is not with us does not need to prevent our going ahead.”
“Have you the formula for his preparation?” asked Doctor Lazzier quietly.
“Oh, no,” replied Wallingford carelessly. “I don’t see that that need stop us.”
“Why not?” protested young Corbin. “Our whole business is built upon that formula.”
Wallingford smiled.
“We simply must stick to the Sciatacata,” resumed Wallingford. “We have all this fine stationery45 printed, with the full name of the Peerless dope; we have elaborate booklets and circulars about it, and the first delivery of ten thousand labels is here. There will be no trouble in getting up another Peerless Sciatacata which will at least be harmless, but I think that we can do even better than that. I think that Doctor Lazzier can furnish us a good, handy, cheap prescription46 for sciatic rheumatism47.”
“Certainly not,” protested Doctor Lazzier with [Pg 338]vast professional indignation; but he nevertheless winked48 at Wallingford.
“Never mind,” said Wallingford to Corbin; “I’ll get the formula all right.”
“For my part I’m willing to sell my stock at ten per cent.,” said Corbin with infinite disgust. He was thinking at that very moment of a gaudy49 “function” he was to attend that night, one marking quite an advance in his social climb, and he almost dreaded50 to go. “I don’t like to lose money, but, in this case, I’d really rather. This is a dreadful experience.”
The rest of them agreed with young Corbin in attitude, if not in words, and it was with considerable sadness that they dispersed51, after having decided52, somewhat reluctantly, that Wallingford should go ahead with the Sciatacata. Pursuing this plan Wallingford sent away the copy for the bottom half of the great woozy-feeling advertisement.
The following afternoon, however, came the death-blow, in the shape of a most hilarious53 article in the local papers. In a neighboring city Doctor Quagg had gone out to sell the Peerless Sciatacata, had been caught in a drizzle54 of spring rain and had been sent, raving55 angry, to the hospital with a most [Pg 339]severe case of sciatic rheumatism. The joke of it was too good. The local papers, as a mere kindly56 matter of news information, published a list of the stock-holders of the Doctor Quagg Peerless Sciatacata Company.
Wallingford, with that item before him, sat and chuckled57 till the tears quivered on his eyelashes; but, even in the midst of his appreciation58 of the fun in the case, he wired to the agent of the advertising company to cancel his previous letter of instructions, and to secure him at least a week’s grace before forfeiture59 of the contract; then he proceeded quietly to telephone the stock-holders. He found great difficulty in getting the use of his line, however, for the stock-holders were already calling him up, frantically60, tearfully, broken-heartedly. They were all ruined through their connection with the Sciatacata!
“I’ll tell you, Fannie,” said he at dinner, after pondering over a new thought which would keep obtruding61 itself into his mind, “this thing of training a straight business down to weight is no merry quip. It’s more trouble and risk than my favorite game of promoting for revenue only.”
“You keep right on at it, Jim,” she insisted. [Pg 340]“You’ll find there is ever so much more satisfaction in it in the end.”
He was moody62 all through dinner. They had tickets for the theater that night and they went, but here, too, Wallingford was distrait63, and he could not have remembered one incident of the play until during the last act, when his brow suddenly cleared. When they went back to the hotel he led his wife into the dining-room, and, excusing himself for a moment, went to the telegraph desk and sent a telegram to Horace G. Daw, of Boston.
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1
mandate
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| n.托管地；命令，指示 | |
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evade
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| vt.逃避，回避；避开，躲避 | |
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advertising
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| n.广告业；广告活动 a.广告的；广告业务的 | |
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labor
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| n.劳动，努力，工作，劳工；分娩；vi.劳动，努力，苦干；vt.详细分析；麻烦 | |
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salon
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| n.[法]沙龙；客厅；营业性的高级服务室 | |
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6
alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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7
monstrous
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| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
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inured
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| adj.坚强的，习惯的 | |
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9
recoiled
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| v.畏缩( recoil的过去式和过去分词 )；退缩；报应；返回 | |
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10
vats
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| varieties 变化，多样性，种类 | |
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11
funnel
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| n.漏斗；烟囱；v.汇集 | |
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12
winding
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| n.绕，缠，绕组，线圈 | |
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13
afterward
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| adv.后来；以后 | |
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14
pal
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| n.朋友，伙伴，同志；vi.结为友 | |
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15
tragic
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| adj.悲剧的，悲剧性的，悲惨的 | |
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16
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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17
intoxicated
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| 喝醉的，极其兴奋的 | |
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18
conspicuous
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| adj.明眼的，惹人注目的；炫耀的，摆阔气的 | |
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19
mellow
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| adj.柔和的；熟透的；v.变柔和；(使)成熟 | |
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20
whooped
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| 叫喊( whoop的过去式和过去分词 )； 高声说； 唤起 | |
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21
sonorously
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| adv.圆润低沉地；感人地；堂皇地；朗朗地 | |
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22
bail
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| v.舀（水），保释；n.保证金，保释，保释人 | |
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23
bragging
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| v.自夸，吹嘘( brag的现在分词 )；大话 | |
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24
hearty
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| adj.热情友好的；衷心的；尽情的，纵情的 | |
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25
prim
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| adj.拘泥形式的，一本正经的；n.循规蹈矩，整洁；adv.循规蹈矩地，整洁地 | |
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26
superintendent
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| n.监督人，主管，总监；(英国)警务长 | |
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27
amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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28
nervously
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| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
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29
cravat
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| n.领巾，领结；v.使穿有领结的服装，使结领结 | |
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30
perspiration
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| n.汗水；出汗 | |
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31
shipping
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| n.船运（发货，运输，乘船） | |
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32
pounced
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| v.突然袭击( pounce的过去式和过去分词 )；猛扑；一眼看出；抓住机会（进行抨击） | |
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33
dissuade
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| v.劝阻，阻止 | |
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34
obdurate
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| adj.固执的，顽固的 | |
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35
sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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36
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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37
excellence
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| n.优秀，杰出，(pl.)优点，美德 | |
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38
picturesque
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| adj.美丽如画的，（语言）生动的，绘声绘色的 | |
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39
treasurership
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| 会计员的职位 | |
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40
publicity
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| n.众所周知，闻名；宣传，广告 | |
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41
enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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42
placate
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| v.抚慰，平息(愤怒) | |
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43
concise
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| adj.简洁的，简明的 | |
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44
peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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45
stationery
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| n.文具；(配套的)信笺信封 | |
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46
prescription
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| n.处方，开药；指示，规定 | |
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47
rheumatism
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| n.风湿病 | |
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48
winked
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| v.使眼色( wink的过去式和过去分词 )；递眼色（表示友好或高兴等）；（指光）闪烁；闪亮 | |
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49
gaudy
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| adj.华而不实的；俗丽的 | |
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50
dreaded
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| adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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51
dispersed
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| adj. 被驱散的, 被分散的, 散布的 | |
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52
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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53
hilarious
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| adj.充满笑声的，欢闹的；[反]depressed | |
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54
drizzle
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| v.下毛毛雨；n.毛毛雨，蒙蒙细雨 | |
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55
raving
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| adj.说胡话的；疯狂的，怒吼的；非常漂亮的；令人醉心[痴心]的v.胡言乱语(rave的现在分词)n.胡话；疯话adv.胡言乱语地；疯狂地 | |
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56
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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57
chuckled
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| 轻声地笑( chuckle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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58
appreciation
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| n.评价；欣赏；感谢；领会，理解；价格上涨 | |
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59
forfeiture
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| n.（名誉等）丧失 | |
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60
frantically
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| ad.发狂地, 发疯地 | |
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61
obtruding
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| v.强行向前，强行，强迫( obtrude的现在分词 ) | |
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62
moody
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| adj.心情不稳的，易怒的，喜怒无常的 | |
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63
distrait
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| adj.心不在焉的 | |
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