[The Imperative1 Request of a Family Man.]
The entertainments of the festive2 season of the year, so far as I am personally concerned, have at last subsided3 into a temporary lull4. I and my family actually have one or two evenings to ourselves, just at present. It is my purpose to take advantage of this interval5 of leisure to express my sentiments on the subject of evening parties and ladies' dress.
Let nobody turn over this page impatiently, alarmed at the prospect6 of another diatribe7 against Crinoline. I, for one, am not going to exhibit myself in the character of a writer who vainly opposes one of the existing institutions of this country. The Press, the Pulpit, and the Stage, have been in the habit of considering themselves as three very powerful levers, capable of being used with terrible effect on the inert8 material of society. All three have tried to jerk that flourishing foreign plant, Crinoline, out of English earth, and have failed to stir so much as a single root of it. All 193 three have run full tilt9 against the women of England, and have not moved them an inch. Talk of the power of the Press!—what is it, compared to the power of a French milliner? The Press has tried to abridge10 the women's petticoats, and has entirely11 failed in the attempt. When the right time comes, a French milliner will abridge them at a week's notice. The Pulpit preaches, the Stage ridicules12; and each woman of the congregation or the audience, sits, imperturbable13, in the middle of her balloon, and lets the serious words or the comic words, go in at one ear and come out at the other, precisely14 as if they were spoken in an unknown tongue. Nothing that I can remember has so effectually crushed the pretensions15 of the Press, the Pulpit, and the Stage, as the utter failure of their crusade against Crinoline.
My present object in writing is likely, I think, to be popular—at least, with the ladies. I do not want to put down Crinoline—I only want to make room for it. Personally, I rather like it—I do, indeed, though I am a man. The fact is, I am a thoroughly16 well-disciplined husband and father; and I know the value of it. The only defect in my eldest17 daughter's otherwise perfect form, lies in her feet and ankles. She is married, so I don't mind mentioning that they are decidedly clumsy. Without Crinoline, they would be seen; with Crinoline (except when she goes up stairs), nobody has the slightest suspicion of them. 194 My wife—pray don't tell her that I ever observed it—my wife used to waddle18 before the invention of Crinoline. Now she swims voluptuously19, and knocks down all the light articles of furniture, whenever she crosses the room, in a manner which, but for the expense of repairs, would be perfectly20 charming. One of my other single daughters used to be sadly thin, poor girl. Oh, how plump she is now! Oh, my marriageable young men, how ravishingly plump she is now! Long life to the monarchy21 of Crinoline! Every mother in this country who has daughters to marry, and who is not quite so sure of their unaided personal attractions as she might wish to be, echoes that loyal cry, I am sure, from the bottom of her affectionate heart. And the Press actually thinks it can shake our devotion to our Queen Petticoat? Pooh! pooh!
But we must have room—we must positively22 have room for our petticoat at evening parties. We wanted it before Crinoline. We want it ten thousand times more, now. I don't know how other parents feel; but, unless there is some speedy reform in the present system of party-giving—so far as regards health, purse, and temper, I am a lost man. Let me make my meaning clear on this point by a simple and truthful23 process. Let me describe how we went to our last party, and how we came back from it. 195
Doctor and Mrs. Crump, of Gloucester Place (I mention names and places to show the respectable character of the party), kindly24 requested the pleasure of our company a week ago. We accepted the invitation, and agreed to assemble in my dining-room previous to departure, at the hour of half-past nine. It is unnecessary to say that I and my son-in-law (who is now staying with me on a visit) had the room entirely to ourselves at the appointed time. We waited half-an-hour: both ill-tempered, both longing25 to be in bed, and both obstinately27 silent. When the hall-clock struck ten, a sound was heard on the stairs, as if a whole gale28 of wind had broken into the house, and was advancing to the dining-room to blow us both into empty space. We knew what this meant, and looked at each other, and said, "Here they are!" The door opened, and Boreas swam in voluptuously, in the shape of my wife, in claret-coloured velvet29. She stands five feet nine, and wears—No! I have never actually counted them. Let me not mislead the public, or do injustice30 to my wife. Let me rest satisfied with stating her height, and adding that she is a fashionable woman. Her circumference31, and the causes of it, may be left to the imagination of the reader.
She was followed by four minor32 winds, blowing dead in our teeth—by my married daughter in Pink Moiré Antique; by my own Julia (single) in Violet 196 Tulle Illusion; by my own Emily (single) in white lace over glacé silk; by my own Charlotte (single) in blue gauze over glacé silk. The four minor winds, and the majestic33 maternal34 Boreas, entirely filled the room, and overflowed36 on to the dining-table. It was a grand sight. My son-in-law and I—a pair of mere37 black tadpoles—shrank into a corner, and gazed at it helplessly.
Our corner was, unfortunately, the farthest from the door. So, when I moved to lead the way to the carriages, I confronted a brilliant intermediate expanse of ninety yards of outer clothing alone (allowing only eighteen yards each to the ladies). Being old, wily, and respected in the house, I took care to avoid my wife, and succeeded in getting through my daughters. My son-in-law, young, innocent, and of secondary position in the family, was not so fortunate. I left him helpless, looking round the corner of his mother-in-law's claret-coloured velvet, with one of his legs lost in his wife's Moiré Antique. There is every reason to suppose that he never extricated38 himself; for when we got into the carriages he was not to be found; and, when ultimately recovered, he exhibited symptoms of physical and mental exhaustion39. I am afraid my son-in-law caught it—I am very much afraid that, during my absence, my son-in-law caught it.
We filled—no, we overflowed—two carriages. My 197 wife and her married daughter in one, and I, myself, on the box—the front seat being very properly wanted for the velvet and the Moiré Antique. In the second carriage were my three girls—crushed, as they indignantly informed me, crushed out of all shape (didn't I tell you, just now, how plump one of them was?) by the miserably-inefficient accommodation which the vehicle offered to them. They told my son-in-law, as he meekly40 mounted to the box, that they would take care not to marry a man like him, at any rate! I have not the least idea what he had done to provoke them. The worthy41 creature gets a great deal of scolding in the house, without any assignable cause for it. Do my daughters resent his official knowledge, as a husband, of the secret of their sister's ugly feet? Oh, dear me, I hope not—I sincerely hope not!
At ten minutes past ten we drove to the hospitable42 abode43 of Doctor and Mrs. Crump. The women of my family were then perfectly dressed in the finest materials. There was not a flaw in any part of the costume of any one of the party. This is a great deal to say of ninety yards of clothing, without mentioning the streams of ribbon, and the dense44 thickets45 of flowery bushes that wantoned gracefully46 all over their heads and half-down their backs—nevertheless, I can say it.
At forty minutes past four, the next morning, we 198 were all assembled once more in my dining-room, to light our bed-room candles. Judging by costume only, I should not have known one of my daughters again—no, not one of them!
The Tulle Illusion, was illusion no longer. My daughter's gorgeous substratum of Gros de Naples bulged47 through it in half a dozen places. The Pink Moiré Antique was torn into a draggle-tailed pink train. The white lace was in tatters, and the blue gauze was in shreds48.
"A charming party!" cried my daughters in melodious49 chorus, as I surveyed this scene of ruin. Charming, indeed! If I had dressed up my four girls, and sent them to Greenwich Fair, with strict orders to get drunk and assault the police, and if they had carefully followed my directions, could they have come home to me in a much worse condition than the condition in which I see them now? Could any man, not acquainted with the present monstrous50 system of party-giving, look at my four young women, and believe that they had been spending the evening under the eyes of their parents, at a respectable house? If the party had been at a linendraper's, I could understand the object of this wanton destruction of property. But Doctor Crump is not interested in making me buy new gowns. What have I done to him that he should ask me and my family to his house, and all but tear my children's gowns off their 199 backs, in return for our friendly readiness to accept his invitation?
But my daughters danced all the evening, and these little accidents will happen in private ballrooms51. Indeed? I did not dance, my wife did not dance, my son-in-law did not dance. Have we escaped injury on that account? Decidedly not. Velvet is not an easy thing to tear, so I have no rents to deplore52 in my wife's dress. But I apprehend53 that a spoonful of trifle does not reach its destination properly, when it is deposited in a lady's lap; and I altogether deny that there is any necessary connection between the charms of society, and the wearing of crushed macaroons, adhesively54 dotted over the back part of a respectable matron's dress. I picked three off my wife's gown, as she swam out of the dining-room, on her way up-stairs; and I am informed that two new breadths will be wanted in front, in consequence of her lap having been turned into a plate for trifle. As for my son-in-law, his trousers are saturated55 with spilt champagne56; and he took, in my presence, nearly a handful of flabby lobster57 salad out of the cavity between his shirt-front and his waistcoat. For myself, I have had my elbow in a game-pie, and I see with disgust a slimy path of extinct custard, meandering58 down the left-hand lappel of my coat. Altogether, this party, on the lowest calculation, casts me in damages to the 200 tune59 of ten pounds, eighteen shillings, and sixpence.[4]
In damages for spoilt garments only. I have still to find out what the results may be of the suffocating60 heat in the rooms, and the freezing draughts61 in the passages, and on the stairs—I have still to face the possible doctor's bills for treating our influenzas and our rheumatisms. And to what cause is all this destruction and discomfort62 attributable? Plainly and simply, to this. When Doctor and Mrs. Crump issued their invitations, they followed the example of the rest of the world, and asked to their house five times as many people as their rooms would comfortably hold. Hence, jostling, bumping, and tearing among the dancers, and jostling, bumping, and spilling in the supper-room. Hence, a scene of barbarous crowding and confusion, in which the successful dancers are the heaviest and rudest couples in the company, and the successful guests at the supper-table, the people who have the least regard 201 for the restraints of politeness and the wants of their neighbours.
Is there no remedy for this great social nuisance? for a nuisance it certainly is. There is a remedy in every district in London, in the shape of a spacious63 and comfortable public room, which may be had for the hiring. The rooms to which I allude64 are never used for doubtful purposes. They are mainly devoted65 to Lectures, Concerts, and Meetings. When used for a private object, they might be kept private by giving each guest a card to present at the door, just as cards are presented at the opera. The expense of the hiring, when set against the expense of preparing a private house for a party, and the expense of the injuries which crowding causes, would prove to be next to nothing. The supper might be sent into the large room as it is sent into the small house. And what benefit would be gained by all this? The first and greatest of all benefits, in such cases—room. Room for the dancers to exercise their art in perfect comfort; room for the spectators to move about and talk to each other at their ease; room for the musicians in a comfortable gallery; room for eating and drinking; room for agreeable equal ventilation. In one word, all the acknowledged advantages of a public ball, with all the pleasant social freedom of a private entertainment.
And what hinders the adopting of this sensible 202 reform? Nothing but the domestic vanity of my beloved countrymen.
I suggested the hiring of a room, the other day, to an excellent friend of mine, who thought of giving a party, and who inhumanly66 contemplated67 asking at least a hundred people into his trumpery68 little ten-roomed house. He absolutely shuddered69 when I mentioned my idea: all his insular70 prejudices bristled71 up in an instant. "If I can't receive my friends under my own roof, on my own hearth72, sir, and in my own home, I won't receive them at all. Take a room indeed! Do you call that an Englishman's hospitality? I don't." It was quite useless to suggest to this gentleman that an Englishman's hospitality, or any man's hospitality, is unworthy of the name unless it fulfils the first great requisite73 of making his guests comfortable. We don't take that far-fetched view of the case in this domestic country. We stand on our own floor (no matter whether it is only twelve feet square or not); we make a fine show in our houses (no matter whether they are large enough for the purpose or not); never mind the women's dresses; never mind the dancers being in perpetual collision; never mind the supper being a comfortless, barbarous scramble74; never mind the ventilation alternating between unbearable75 heat and unbearable cold—an Englishman's house is his castle, even when you can't get up his staircase, and can't 203 turn round in his rooms. If I lived in the Black Hole at Calcutta, sir, I would see my friends there because I lived there, and would turn up my nose at the finest marble palace in the whole city, because it was a palace that could be had for the hiring!
And yet the innovation on a senseless established custom which I now propose, is not without precedent76, even in this country. When I was a young man, I, and some of my friends, used to give a Bachelors' Ball, once a-year. We hired a respectable public room for the purpose. Nobody ever had admission to our entertainment who was not perfectly fit to be asked into any gentleman's house. Nobody wanted room to dance in; nobody's dress was injured; nobody was uncomfortable at supper. Our ball was looked forward to, every year, by the young ladies, as the especial dance of the season at which they were sure to enjoy themselves. They talked rapturously of the charming music, and the brilliant lighting77, and the pretty decorations, and the nice supper. Old ladies and gentlemen used to beg piteously that they might not be left out on account of their years. People of all ages and tastes found something to please them at the Bachelors' Ball, and never had a recollection, in connection with it, which was not of the happiest nature. What prevents us, now we are married, from following the sensible proceeding78 of our younger days? The stupid assumption 204 that my house must be big enough to hold all my friends comfortably, because it is my house. I did not reason in that way, when I had lodgings79, although my bachelor sitting-room80 was, within a few feet each way, as large as my householder's drawing-room at the present time.
However, I have really some hopes of seeing the sensible reform, which I have ventured to propose, practically and generally carried out, before I die. Not because I advocate it, not because it is in itself essentially81 reasonable; but merely because the course of Time is likely, before long, to leave obstinate26 Prejudice no choice of alternatives and no power of resistance. Party-giving is on the increase, party-goers are on the increase, petticoats are on the increase,—but private houses remain exactly as they were. It is evidently only a question of time. The guests already overflow35 on to the staircase. Give us a ten years' increase of the population, and they will overflow into the street. When the door of the Englishman's nonsensical castle cannot be shut, on account of the number of his guests who are squeezed out to the threshold, then he will concede to necessity what he will not now concede to any strength of reasoning, or to any gentleness of persuasion82. The only cogent83 argument with obstinate people is Main Force—and Time, in the case now under consideration, is sooner or later sure to employ it.
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1
imperative
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| n.命令，需要；规则；祈使语气；adj.强制的；紧急的 | |
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festive
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| adj.欢宴的，节日的 | |
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subsided
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| v.（土地）下陷（因在地下采矿）( subside的过去式和过去分词 )；减弱；下降至较低或正常水平；一下子坐在椅子等上 | |
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lull
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| v.使安静，使入睡，缓和，哄骗；n.暂停，间歇 | |
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interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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diatribe
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| n.抨击，抨击性演说 | |
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8
inert
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| adj.无活动能力的，惰性的；迟钝的 | |
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tilt
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| v.(使)倾侧；(使)倾斜；n.倾侧；倾斜 | |
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abridge
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| v.删减，删节，节略，缩短 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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12
ridicules
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| n.嘲笑( ridicule的名词复数 )；奚落；嘲弄；戏弄v.嘲笑，嘲弄，奚落( ridicule的第三人称单数 ) | |
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13
imperturbable
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| adj.镇静的 | |
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precisely
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| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
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pretensions
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| 自称( pretension的名词复数 )； 自命不凡； 要求； 权力 | |
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thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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eldest
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| adj.最年长的，最年老的 | |
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waddle
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| vi.摇摆地走；n.摇摆的走路(样子) | |
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voluptuously
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| adv.风骚地，体态丰满地 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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monarchy
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| n.君主，最高统治者；君主政体，君主国 | |
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positively
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| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
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truthful
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| adj.真实的，说实话的，诚实的 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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obstinate
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| adj.顽固的，倔强的，不易屈服的，较难治愈的 | |
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obstinately
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| ad.固执地，顽固地 | |
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gale
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| n.大风，强风，一阵闹声（尤指笑声等） | |
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velvet
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| n.丝绒，天鹅绒；adj.丝绒制的，柔软的 | |
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injustice
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| n.非正义，不公正，不公平，侵犯（别人的）权利 | |
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circumference
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| n.圆周，周长，圆周线 | |
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minor
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| adj.较小(少)的，较次要的；n.辅修学科；vi.辅修 | |
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majestic
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| adj.雄伟的，壮丽的，庄严的，威严的，崇高的 | |
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maternal
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| adj.母亲的，母亲般的，母系的，母方的 | |
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overflow
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| v.(使)外溢，(使)溢出；溢出，流出，漫出 | |
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overflowed
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| 溢出的 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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extricated
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| v.使摆脱困难，脱身( extricate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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exhaustion
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| n.耗尽枯竭，疲惫，筋疲力尽，竭尽，详尽无遗的论述 | |
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meekly
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| adv.温顺地，逆来顺受地 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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hospitable
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| adj.好客的；宽容的；有利的，适宜的 | |
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abode
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| n.住处，住所 | |
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dense
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| a.密集的，稠密的，浓密的；密度大的 | |
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45
thickets
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| n.灌木丛( thicket的名词复数 )；丛状物 | |
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gracefully
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| ad.大大方方地；优美地 | |
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bulged
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| 凸出( bulge的过去式和过去分词 )； 充满； 塞满（某物） | |
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shreds
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| v.撕碎，切碎( shred的第三人称单数 )；用撕毁机撕毁（文件） | |
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melodious
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| adj.旋律美妙的，调子优美的，音乐性的 | |
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monstrous
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| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
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ballrooms
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| n.舞厅( ballroom的名词复数 ) | |
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deplore
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| vt.哀叹，对...深感遗憾 | |
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apprehend
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| vt.理解，领悟，逮捕，拘捕，忧虑 | |
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adhesively
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| 黏附地，胶着地 | |
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saturated
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| a.饱和的，充满的 | |
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champagne
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| n.香槟酒；微黄色 | |
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lobster
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| n.龙虾，龙虾肉 | |
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meandering
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| 蜿蜒的河流，漫步，聊天 | |
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tune
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| n.调子；和谐，协调；v.调音，调节，调整 | |
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suffocating
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| a.使人窒息的 | |
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draughts
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| n. <英>国际跳棋 | |
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discomfort
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| n.不舒服，不安，难过，困难，不方便 | |
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spacious
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| adj.广阔的，宽敞的 | |
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allude
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| v.提及，暗指 | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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inhumanly
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| adv.无人情味地，残忍地 | |
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contemplated
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| adj. 预期的 动词contemplate的过去分词形式 | |
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68
trumpery
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| n.无价值的杂物；adj.（物品）中看不中用的 | |
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69
shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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70
insular
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| adj.岛屿的，心胸狭窄的 | |
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71
bristled
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| adj. 直立的，多刺毛的 动词bristle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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72
hearth
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| n.壁炉炉床，壁炉地面 | |
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requisite
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| adj.需要的，必不可少的；n.必需品 | |
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74
scramble
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| v.爬行，攀爬，杂乱蔓延，碎片，片段，废料 | |
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unbearable
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| adj.不能容忍的；忍受不住的 | |
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76
precedent
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| n.先例，前例；惯例；adj.在前的，在先的 | |
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77
lighting
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| n.照明，光线的明暗，舞台灯光 | |
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proceeding
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| n.行动，进行，(pl.)会议录，学报 | |
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lodgings
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| n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍 | |
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sitting-room
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| n.（BrE）客厅，起居室 | |
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81
essentially
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| adv.本质上，实质上，基本上 | |
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82
persuasion
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| n.劝说；说服；持有某种信仰的宗派 | |
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cogent
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| adj.强有力的，有说服力的 | |
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