These curious circumstances have set me thinking on the subject of marriage, and have recalled to my mind certain reflections in connection with that important change in life, which I first made when I was not quite such an incurably-settled old bachelor as I am at the present moment.
It occurred to me, at that past time, and it occurs to me still, that while great stress is laid in ordinary books and ordinary talk on the personal interest which a man has himself, and on the family interest which his near relations have also, in his marrying an affectionate and sensible woman, sufficient importance has not been attached to the interest of another sort, which the tried and worthy6 friends of his bachelor days ought to feel, and, for the most part, do feel, in his getting a good wife. It really and truly depends upon her, in more cases than I should like to enumerate7, whether her husband's friendships are to be continued, after his marriage, in all their integrity, or are only to be maintained as a mere8 social form. It is hardly necessary for me to repeat—but I will do so, in order to avoid the slightest chance of misconstruction—that I am here speaking only of the worthiest9, the truest, the longest-tried friends of a man's bachelor days. Towards these every sensible married woman 283 feels, as I believe, that she owes a duty for her husband's sake. But, unfortunately, there are such female phenomena10 in the world as fond wives and devoted11 mothers, who are anything rather than sensible women the moment they are required to step out of the sphere of their conjugal12 and maternal13 instincts. Women of this sort have an unreasonable14 jealousy15 of their husbands in small things; and on the misuse16 of their influence to serve the interests of that jealousy, lies but too often the responsibility of severing17 such friendships as no man can hope to form for the second time in the course of his life. By the severing of friendships, I do not mean the breaking off of all intercourse18, but the fatal changing of the terms on which a man lives with his friend—the casting of the first slight shadow which alters the look of the whole prospect19. It is astonishing by what a multitude of slight threads the firm continuity of brotherly regard is maintained. Many a woman has snapped asunder20 all the finer ligaments which once connected her husband and his friend; and has thought it enough if she left the two still attached by the coarser ties which are at the common disposal of all the world. Many a woman—delicate, affectionate, and kind within her own narrow limits—has committed that heavy social offence, and has never felt afterwards a single pang21 of pity or remorse22. 284
These bold words will be unpopular enough, I am afraid, with certain readers; but I am an old bachelor, and I must have licence to speak the unwelcome truth. I respect and admire a good husband and father, but I cannot shake off the equally sincere reverence23 that I feel for a good friend; and I must be allowed to tell some married ladies—what Society ought to tell them a little oftener—that there are other affections, in this world, which are noble and honourable24, besides those of conjugal and parental25 origin. It may be an assertion of a very shocking and unexpected kind, but I must nevertheless be excused for saying, that some of the best wives and mothers in the land have given the heart-ache to some of the best friends. While they have been behaving like patterns of conjugal propriety26, they have been estranging27 men who would once have gone to the world's end to serve each other. I, as a single man, can say nothing of the dreadful wrench—not the less dreadful because it is inevitable28—when a father and mother lose a daughter, in order that a lover may gain a wife. But I can speak feelingly of the shock of losing a dear friend, in order that a bride may gain a devoted husband. Nothing shall ever persuade me (possibly because I am not married) that there is not a flaw of some sort in the love for a wife which is made complete, in some people's eyes, by forced contributions 285 from the love which belongs to a friend. I know that a man and woman who make a happy marriage have gained the summit of earthly felicity; but do they never reach that enviable eminence29 without having trampled30 underfoot something venerable, or something tender, by the way?
Bear with me, indignant wives, if I recall the long-past time when one of the handsomest women I ever saw, took my dearest friend away from me, and destroyed, in one short day, the whole pleasant edifice31 that we two had been building up together since we were boys at school.
I shall never be as fond of any human being again, as I was of that one friend, and, until the beautiful woman came between us, I believe there was nothing in this world that he would not have sacrificed and have done for me. Even while he was courting, I kept my hold on him. Against opposition32 on the part of his bride and her family, he stipulated33 that I should be his best man on the wedding-day. The beautiful woman grudged34 me my one small corner in his heart, even at that time; but he was true to me—he persisted—and I was the first to shake hands with him when he was a married man. I had no suspicion then that I was to lose him from that moment. I only discovered the truth when I went to pay my first visit to the bride and bridegroom at their abode35 in the country. I found a beautiful 286 house, exquisitely36 kept from top to bottom; I found a hearty37 welcome; I found a good dinner and an airy bed-room; I found a pattern husband and a pattern wife: the one thing I did not find was my old friend. Something stood up in his clothes, shook hands with me, pressed wine on me, called me by my Christian38 name, and inquired what I was doing in my profession. It was certainly something that had a trick of looking like my former comrade and brother; something that nobody in my situation could have complained of with the smallest reason; something with all the brightness of the old metal about it, but without the sterling39 old ring; something, in short, which made me instinctively40 take my chamber-candlestick early on the first night of my arrival, and say good night while the beautiful woman and pattern wife was present to keep her eye on me.
Can I ever forget the language of that eye on that occasion!—the volumes it spoke41 in one glance of cruel triumph! "No more sacred secrets between you two," it said, brightly. "When you trust him now, you must trust me. You may sacrifice yourself for your love of him over and over again still, but he shall make no sacrifices now for you, until he has first found out how they affect my convenience and my pleasure. Your place in his heart now, is where I choose it to be. I have stormed the citadel42, and I 287 will bring children by-and-by to keep the ramparts; and you, the faithful old soldier of former years—you have got your discharge, and may sit and sun yourself as well as you can at the outer gates. You have been his truest friend, but he has another now, and need trouble you no longer, except in the capacity of witness of his happiness. This, you will observe, is in the order of nature, and in the recognised fitness of things; and he hopes you will see it—and so do I. And he trusts you will sleep well under his (and my) new roof—and so do I. And he wishes you good night—and so do I!"
Many, many years have passed since I first learned these hard truths; but I can never forget the pang that it cost me to get them by heart at a moment's notice. My old friend lives still—that is to say, I have an intimate acquaintance, who asks me to all his dinners, and who made me godfather to one of his children; but the brother of my love, who died to me on the day when I paid him the marriage visit, has never come back to life since that time. On the altar at which we two once sacrificed, the ashes lie cold. A model husband and father has risen from them, and that result is, I suppose, the only one that any third person has a right to expect. It may be so; but, to this day, I cannot help thinking that the beautiful woman would have done 288 better if she could have made a fond husband, without at the same time marring a good friend.
Readers will, I am afraid, not be wanting, who will be inclined to tell me that the lady to whom I have been referring, only asserted the fair privilege that was hers by right of marriage; and that my sense of injury springs from the touchy43 selfishness of an old bachelor. Without attempting to defend myself, I may at least be allowed to inquire into the lady's motive44 for using her privilege—or, in plainer terms, for altering the relations in which my friend and I had stood towards one another since boyhood.
Her idea, I presume to have been, that, if I preserved my old footing with her husband, I should be taking away some part of his affection that belonged to her. According to my idea of it, she was taking away something which had belonged to me, and which no effort on her part could afterwards convert to her own use. It is hard to make some women understand that a husband's heart—let him be ever so devoted and affectionate—has vacant places in it which they can never hope to fill. It is a house in which they and their children, naturally and properly, occupy all the largest apartments and supply all the prettiest furniture; but there are spare rooms which they cannot enter, which are reserved all through the lease of life for inevitable guests of some 289 sort from the world outside. It is better to let in the old friend than some of the substituted visitors, who are sure, sooner or later, to enter where there are rooms ready for them, by means of pass-keys obtained without the permission of the permanent tenants45. Am I wrong in making such assertions as these? I should be willing enough to think it probable—being only a bachelor—if my views were based on mere theory. But my opinions, such as they are, have been formed with the help of proofs and facts. I have met with bright examples of wives who have strengthened their husbands' friendships as they never could have been strengthened except under the influence of a woman's care, employed in the truest, the tenderest, the most delicate way. I have seen men rescued from the bad habits of half a lifetime by the luck of keeping faithful friends who were the husbands of sensible wives. It is a very trite46 and true remark that the deadliest enmities between men have been occasioned by women. It is not less certain—though it is a far less widely-accepted truth—that some (I wish I could say many) of the strongest friendships have been knit most closely by women's helping47 hands.
The real fact seems to be, that the general idea of the scope and purpose of the Institution of Marriage is a miserably48 narrow one. The same senseless prejudice which leads some people, when driven to 290 extremes, to the practical confession49 (though it may not be made in plain words) that they would rather see murder committed under their own eyes, than approve of any project for obtaining a law of divorce which shall be equal in its operation on husbands and wives of all ranks who cannot live together, is answerable also for the mischievous50 error in principle of narrowing the practice of the social virtues51, in married people, to themselves and their children. A man loves his wife—which is, in other words, loving himself—and loves his offspring, which is equivalent to saying that he has the natural instincts of humanity; and, when he has gone thus far, he has asserted himself as a model of all the virtues of life, in the estimation of some people. In my estimation, he has only begun with the best virtues, and has others yet to practise before he can approach to the standard of a socially complete man. Can there be a lower idea of Marriage than the idea which makes it, in fact, an institution for the development of selfishness on a large and respectable scale? If I am not justified52 in using the word selfishness, tell me what character a good husband presents (viewed plainly as a man) when he goes out into the world, leaving all his sympathies in his wife's boudoir, and all his affections up-stairs in the nursery, and giving to his friends such shreds53 and patches of formal recognition, in place of true love and regard, as consist in asking them to an occasional dinner-party, 291 and granting them the privilege of presenting his children with silver mugs? He is a model of a husband, the ladies will say. I dare not contradict them; but I should like to know whether he is also a model of a friend?
No. Bachelor as I am, I have a higher idea of Marriage than this. The social advantages which it is fitted to produce ought to extend beyond one man and one woman, to the circle of society amid which they move. The light of its beauty must not be shut up within the four walls which enclose the parents and the family, but must flow out into the world, and shine upon the childless and the solitary54, because it has warmth enough and to spare, and because it may make them, even in their way, happy too. I began these few lines by asking sympathy and attention for the interest which a man's true friends have, when he marries, in his choosing a wife who will let them be friends still, who will even help them to mingling55 in closer brotherhood56, if help they need. I lay down the pen, suggesting to some ladies—affectionately suggesting, if they will let me use the word, after some of the bold things I have said—that it is in their power to deprive the bachelor of the sole claim he has left to social recognition and preeminence57, by making married men what many of them are, and what more might be—the best and truest friends that are to be found in the world.
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1
conspiring
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| 密谋( conspire的现在分词 )； 搞阴谋； （事件等）巧合； 共同导致 | |
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inexplicably
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| adv.无法说明地，难以理解地，令人难以理解的是 | |
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3
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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4
complimentary
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| adj.赠送的，免费的，赞美的，恭维的 | |
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incessant
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| adj.不停的，连续的 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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7
enumerate
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| v.列举，计算，枚举，数 | |
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8
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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9
worthiest
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| 应得某事物( worthy的最高级 )； 值得做某事； 可尊敬的； 有（某人或事物）的典型特征 | |
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10
phenomena
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| n.现象 | |
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11
devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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12
conjugal
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| adj.婚姻的，婚姻性的 | |
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13
maternal
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| adj.母亲的，母亲般的，母系的，母方的 | |
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14
unreasonable
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| adj.不讲道理的，不合情理的，过度的 | |
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15
jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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16
misuse
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| n.误用，滥用；vt.误用，滥用 | |
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17
severing
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| v.切断，断绝( sever的现在分词 )；断，裂 | |
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18
intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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19
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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20
asunder
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| adj.分离的，化为碎片 | |
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pang
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| n.剧痛，悲痛，苦闷 | |
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22
remorse
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| n.痛恨，悔恨，自责 | |
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23
reverence
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| n.敬畏，尊敬，尊严；Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称；v.尊敬，敬畏，崇敬 | |
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24
honourable
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| adj.可敬的；荣誉的，光荣的 | |
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25
parental
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| adj.父母的；父的；母的 | |
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26
propriety
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| n.正当行为；正当；适当 | |
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27
estranging
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| v.使疏远（尤指家庭成员之间）( estrange的现在分词 ) | |
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28
inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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29
eminence
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| n.卓越，显赫；高地，高处；名家 | |
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30
trampled
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| 踩( trample的过去式和过去分词 )； 践踏； 无视； 侵犯 | |
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31
edifice
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| n.宏伟的建筑物(如宫殿，教室) | |
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32
opposition
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| n.反对，敌对 | |
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33
stipulated
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| vt.& vi.规定；约定adj.[法]合同规定的 | |
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34
grudged
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| 怀恨（grudge的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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35
abode
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| n.住处，住所 | |
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36
exquisitely
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| adv.精致地；强烈地；剧烈地；异常地 | |
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37
hearty
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| adj.热情友好的；衷心的；尽情的，纵情的 | |
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38
Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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39
sterling
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| adj.英币的(纯粹的，货真价实的)；n.英国货币(英镑) | |
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40
instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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41
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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42
citadel
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| n.城堡；堡垒；避难所 | |
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43
touchy
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| adj.易怒的；棘手的 | |
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44
motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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45
tenants
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| n.房客( tenant的名词复数 )；佃户；占用者；占有者 | |
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46
trite
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| adj.陈腐的 | |
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47
helping
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| n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的 | |
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48
miserably
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| adv.痛苦地；悲惨地；糟糕地；极度地 | |
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49
confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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50
mischievous
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| adj.调皮的，恶作剧的，有害的，伤人的 | |
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51
virtues
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| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
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52
justified
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| a.正当的，有理的 | |
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53
shreds
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| v.撕碎，切碎( shred的第三人称单数 )；用撕毁机撕毁（文件） | |
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54
solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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55
mingling
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| adj.混合的 | |
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56
brotherhood
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| n.兄弟般的关系，手中情谊 | |
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57
preeminence
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| n.卓越,杰出 | |
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