Ladies and gentlemen. Give me five minutes' sympathy and attention. I have something serious to say to you.
I am a married man, with an income which is too miserably1 limited to be worth mentioning. About a month since, my wife advanced me one step nearer to the Court for the Relief of Insolvent2 Debtors3, by presenting me with another child. On five previous occasions, her name had appeared in the List of British Mothers which adorns4 the daily Supplement of the Times newspaper. At each of these trying periods (I speak entirely5 of myself when I use the word "trying") she was attended by the same Monthly Nurse. On this last, and sixth, occasion, we were not so fortunate as to secure the services of our regular functionary6. She was already engaged; and a new Nurse, with excellent recommendations, was, therefore, employed in her stead. When I first heard of her, and was told that her name was Mrs. Bullwinkle, I laughed. It was then the beginning of 293 the month. It is now the end of it, and I write down that once comical name with a settled gravity which nothing can disturb.
We all know Mrs. Gamp. My late Monthly Nurse is the exact antipodes of her. Mrs. Bullwinkle is tall and dignified7; her complexion8 is fair; her Grecian nose is innocent of all convivial9 colouring; her figure is not more than agreeably plump; her manners are icily composed; her dress is quiet and neat; her age cannot be more than five-and-thirty; her style of conversation, when she talks, is flowing and grammatical—upon the whole, she appears to be a woman who is much too ladylike for her station in life. When I first met Mrs. Bullwinkle on the stairs, I felt inclined to apologise for my wife's presumption10 in engaging her services. Though I checked this absurd impulse, I could not resist answering the new nurse's magnificent curtsy by expressing a polite hope that she would find her situation everything that she could wish, under my roof.
"I am not accustomed to exact much, sir," said Mrs. Bullwinkle. "The cook seems, I am rejoiced to say, to be an intelligent and attentive11 person. I have been giving her some little hints on the subject of my meals. I have ventured to tell her, that I eat little and often; and I think she thoroughly12 understands me."
I am ashamed to say I was not so sharp as the 294 cook. I did not thoroughly understand Mrs. Bullwinkle, until it became my duty, through my wife's inability to manage our domestic business, to settle the weekly bills. I then became sensible of an alarming increase in our household expenditure13. If I had given two dinner-parties in the course of the week, the bills could not have been more exorbitant14: the butcher, the baker15, and the grocer could not have taken me at a heavier pecuniary16 disadvantage. My heart sank as I thought of my miserable17 income. I looked up piteously from the bills to the cook for an explanation.
The cook looked back at me compassionately18, shook her head, and said:
"Mrs. Bullwinkle."
I reckoned up additional joints19, additional chops, additional steaks, fillets, kidneys, gravy20 beef. I told off a terrible supplement to the usual family consumption of bread, flour, tea, sugar, and alcoholic21 liquids. I appealed to the cook again; and again the cook shook her head, and said, "Mrs. Bullwinkle."
My miserable income obliges me to look after sixpences, as other men look after five-pound notes. Ruin sat immovable on the pile of weekly bills, and stared me sternly in the face. I went up into my wife's room. The new nurse was not there. The unhappy partner of my pecuniary embarrassments22 was reading a novel. My innocent infant was 295 smiling in his sleep. I had taken the bills with me. Ruin followed them up-stairs, and sat spectral23 on one side of the bed, while I sat on the other.
"Don't be alarmed, love," I said, "if you hear the police in the house. Mrs. Bullwinkle has a large family, and feeds them all out of our provisions. A search shall be instituted, and slumbering24 Justice shall be aroused. Look at these joints, these chops, these steaks, these fillets, these kidneys, these gravy beefs!"
My wife shook her head, exactly as the cook had shaken hers; and answered, precisely25 as the cook had answered, "Mrs. Bullwinkle."
"But where does she hide it all?" I exclaimed.
My wife shut her eyes, and shuddered26.
"John!" she said, "I have privately27 consulted the doctor; and the doctor says Mrs. Bullwinkle is a Cow."
"If the doctor had to pay these bills," I retorted savagely28, "he would not be quite so free with his jokes."
"He is in earnest, dear. He explained to me, what I never knew before, that a Cow is an animal with many stomachs——"
"What!" I cried out, in amazement29; "do you mean to tell me that all these joints, these chops, these steaks, these fillets, these kidneys, these gravy beefs—these loaves, these muffins, these mixed biscuits—these teas, these sugars, these brandies, gins, 296 sherries, and beers, have disappeared in one week, down Mrs. Bullwinkle's throat?"
"All, John," said my wife, sinking back on the pillow with a groan30.
It was impossible to look at the bills and believe it. I questioned and cross-questioned my wife, and still elicited31 nothing but the one bewildering answer, "All, John." Determined—for I am a man of a logical and judicial32 mind—to have this extraordinary and alarming case properly investigated, I took out my pocket-book and pencil, and asked my wife if she felt strong enough to make a few private entries for my satisfaction. Finding that she willingly accepted the responsibility, I directed her to take down, from her own personal investigation33, a statement of Mrs. Bullwinkle's meals, and of the time at which she partook of each of them, for twenty-four hours, beginning with one morning and ending with another. After making this arrangement, I descended34 to the parlour, and took the necessary business measures for using the cook as a check upon her mistress. Having carefully instructed her to enter, on the kitchen slate36, everything that was sent up to Mrs. Bullwinkle, for twenty-four hours, I felt that my machinery37 for investigating the truth was now complete. If the statement of the mistress, in bed on the second floor, agreed with the statement of the cook, in the distant sphere of the kitchen, there could be no 297 doubt that I had obtained reliable information on the mysterious subject of Mrs. Bullwinkle's meals.
In due time, the two reports were sent in, and I had an opportunity of understanding at last, what "eating little and often" really meant, in the case of my wife's monthly nurse. Except in one particular, to be hereafter adverted38 to, both statements agreed exactly. Here is the List, accompanied by a correct time-table, of Mrs. Bullwinkle's meals, beginning with the morning of Monday and ending with the morning of Tuesday. I certify39, on my honour as a British husband and housekeeper40, that the copy is correctly taken from my wife's entries in my pocket-book, checked impartially41 by the cook's slate:[E]
A.M.
7. Breakfast.—Tea, Toast, Half-quartern Loaf, Butter, Eggs, Bacon.
9.30. First Morning Snack.—A glass of pale Sherry, and a plate of Mixed Biscuits.
11. Second Morning Snack.—A Basin of Beef Tea, and a tumbler of Brandy and Water.
P.M.
12.45. Dinner.—A Roast Loin of Mutton and Mashed43 Potatoes. With Dinner, Ale, spiced and 298 warmed. After Dinner, a tumbler of Hot Gin and Water.
P.M.
3. Afternoon Snack.—A glass of pale Sherry, and a plate of Mixed Biscuits.
4.30. Tea and Muffins.
7. Evening Snack.—Stewed Cheese, Toast, and a tumbler of Brandy and Water.
9. Supper.—Nice juicy Steak, and two glasses of Beer. Second Course.—Stewed Cheese, and a tumbler of Gin and Water.
Additional Particulars. (Not vouched44 for by the cook's slate.)—During the night of Monday Mrs. Bullwinkle partook, at intervals45, of Caudle. At 4.30 A.M., on the morning of Tuesday, my wife was awakened46 by hearing the nurse walking up and down the room, and sighing bitterly. The following conversation then took place between them:
My Wife.—Are you ill?
Mrs. Bullwinkle.—No. Hungry.
I can certify that the above List correctly, and even moderately, represents Mrs. Bullwinkle's daily bill of fare, for one month. I can assert, from my own observation, that every dish, at every hour of the day, which went up to her full, invariably came 299 down from her empty. Mrs. Bullwinkle was not a wasteful47 eater. She could fully35 appreciate, in roast meat, for example, the great value of "lean;" but she was not, on that account, insensible to the humbler merits of fat, skin, and "outside." All—emphatically, all—was fish that came to her net; and the net itself, as I can personally testify, was never once over-weighted and never out of order. I have watched, in the case of this perfectly48 unparalleled human cormorant49, for symptoms of apoplexy, or at least of visible repletion50, with a dreadful and absorbing interest; and have, on no occasion, been rewarded by making the smallest discovery. Mrs. Bullwinkle was never, while in my service, even so much as partially42 intoxicated51. Her face was never flushed; her articulation52 was never thickened; her brain was never confused; her movements were never uncertain. After the breakfast, the two morning snacks, and the dinner,—all occurring within the space of six hours,—she could move about the room with unimpeded freedom of action; could keep my wife and the baby in a state of the strictest discipline; could curtsy magnificently, when the unoffending master, whom she was eating out of house and home, entered the room, preserving her colour, her equilibrium53, and her staylaces, when she sank down and when she swelled54 up again, without the vestige55 of an apparent effort. During the month of 300 her devastating56 residence under my roof, she had two hundred and forty-eight meals, including the snacks; and she went out of the house no larger and no redder than she came in. After the statement of one such fact as that, further comment is superfluous57.
I leave this case in the hands of the medical and the married public. I present it, as a problem, to physiological58 science. I offer it, as a warning, to British husbands with limited incomes. While I write these lines, while I give my married countrymen this friendly caution, my wife is weeping over the tradesmen's bills; my children are on half-allowance of food; my cook is worked off her legs; my purse is empty. Young husbands, and persons about to marry, commit to memory the description here given of my late monthly nurse! Avoid a tall and dignified woman, with a flowing style of conversation and impressively ladylike manners! Beware, my struggling friends, my fellow-toilers along the heavily-taxed highways of domestic happiness—beware of Mrs. Bullwinkle!
THE END.
点击收听单词发音
1 miserably | |
adv.痛苦地;悲惨地;糟糕地;极度地 | |
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2 insolvent | |
adj.破产的,无偿还能力的 | |
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3 debtors | |
n.债务人,借方( debtor的名词复数 ) | |
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4 adorns | |
装饰,佩带( adorn的第三人称单数 ) | |
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5 entirely | |
ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地 | |
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6 functionary | |
n.官员;公职人员 | |
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7 dignified | |
a.可敬的,高贵的 | |
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8 complexion | |
n.肤色;情况,局面;气质,性格 | |
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9 convivial | |
adj.狂欢的,欢乐的 | |
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10 presumption | |
n.推测,可能性,冒昧,放肆,[法律]推定 | |
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11 attentive | |
adj.注意的,专心的;关心(别人)的,殷勤的 | |
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12 thoroughly | |
adv.完全地,彻底地,十足地 | |
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13 expenditure | |
n.(时间、劳力、金钱等)支出;使用,消耗 | |
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14 exorbitant | |
adj.过分的;过度的 | |
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15 baker | |
n.面包师 | |
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16 pecuniary | |
adj.金钱的;金钱上的 | |
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17 miserable | |
adj.悲惨的,痛苦的;可怜的,糟糕的 | |
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18 compassionately | |
adv.表示怜悯地,有同情心地 | |
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19 joints | |
接头( joint的名词复数 ); 关节; 公共场所(尤指价格低廉的饮食和娱乐场所) (非正式); 一块烤肉 (英式英语) | |
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20 gravy | |
n.肉汁;轻易得来的钱,外快 | |
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21 alcoholic | |
adj.(含)酒精的,由酒精引起的;n.酗酒者 | |
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22 embarrassments | |
n.尴尬( embarrassment的名词复数 );难堪;局促不安;令人难堪或耻辱的事 | |
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23 spectral | |
adj.幽灵的,鬼魂的 | |
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24 slumbering | |
微睡,睡眠(slumber的现在分词形式) | |
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25 precisely | |
adv.恰好,正好,精确地,细致地 | |
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26 shuddered | |
v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 );发抖;(机器、车辆等)突然震动;颤动 | |
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27 privately | |
adv.以私人的身份,悄悄地,私下地 | |
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28 savagely | |
adv. 野蛮地,残酷地 | |
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29 amazement | |
n.惊奇,惊讶 | |
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30 groan | |
vi./n.呻吟,抱怨;(发出)呻吟般的声音 | |
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31 elicited | |
引出,探出( elicit的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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32 judicial | |
adj.司法的,法庭的,审判的,明断的,公正的 | |
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33 investigation | |
n.调查,调查研究 | |
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34 descended | |
a.为...后裔的,出身于...的 | |
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35 fully | |
adv.完全地,全部地,彻底地;充分地 | |
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36 slate | |
n.板岩,石板,石片,石板色,候选人名单;adj.暗蓝灰色的,含板岩的;vt.用石板覆盖,痛打,提名,预订 | |
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37 machinery | |
n.(总称)机械,机器;机构 | |
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38 adverted | |
引起注意(advert的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
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39 certify | |
vt.证明,证实;发证书(或执照)给 | |
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40 housekeeper | |
n.管理家务的主妇,女管家 | |
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41 impartially | |
adv.公平地,无私地 | |
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42 partially | |
adv.部分地,从某些方面讲 | |
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43 mashed | |
a.捣烂的 | |
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44 vouched | |
v.保证( vouch的过去式和过去分词 );担保;确定;确定地说 | |
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45 intervals | |
n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 );间隔时间;[数学]区间;(戏剧、电影或音乐会的)幕间休息 | |
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46 awakened | |
v.(使)醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 );(使)觉醒;弄醒;(使)意识到 | |
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47 wasteful | |
adj.(造成)浪费的,挥霍的 | |
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48 perfectly | |
adv.完美地,无可非议地,彻底地 | |
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49 cormorant | |
n.鸬鹚,贪婪的人 | |
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50 repletion | |
n.充满,吃饱 | |
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51 intoxicated | |
喝醉的,极其兴奋的 | |
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52 articulation | |
n.(清楚的)发音;清晰度,咬合 | |
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53 equilibrium | |
n.平衡,均衡,相称,均势,平静 | |
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54 swelled | |
增强( swell的过去式和过去分词 ); 肿胀; (使)凸出; 充满(激情) | |
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55 vestige | |
n.痕迹,遗迹,残余 | |
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56 devastating | |
adj.毁灭性的,令人震惊的,强有力的 | |
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57 superfluous | |
adj.过多的,过剩的,多余的 | |
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58 physiological | |
adj.生理学的,生理学上的 | |
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