Cecile had passed those three weeks in a state of ignorance which had filled her with pain. She had, it is true, heard through Dolf that Quaerts was away shooting, but beyond that nothing. A thrill of joy electrified1 her when the door behind the screen opened and she saw him enter the room. He was standing2 in front of her before she could recover herself; and, as she was trembling, she did not rise, but, still sitting, reached out her hand to him, her fingers quivering imperceptibly.
“I have been out of town,” he began.
“So I heard.”
“Have you been well all this time?”
“Quite well, thank you.” [154]
He noticed that she was somewhat pale, that she had a light blue shadow under her eyes and that there was lassitude in all her movements. But he came to the conclusion that there was nothing extraordinary in this, or that perhaps she merely looked pale in the creamy whiteness of her soft, white dress, like silky wool, even as her figure became yet slighter in the constraint3 of the scarf about her waist, with its long white fringe falling to her feet. She was sitting alone with Christie, the child upon his footstool with his head in her lap and a picture-book on his knees.
“You two are a perfect Madonna and Child,” said Quaerts.
“Little Dolf has gone out to walk with his god-father,” she said, looking fondly upon her child and motioning to him gently.
At this bidding the boy stood up and [155]shyly approached Quaerts, offering him a hand. Quaerts lifted him up and set him on his knee:
“How light he is!”
“He is not strong,” said Cecile.
“You coddle him too much.” She laughed:
“Pedagogue!” she laughed. “How do I coddle him?”
“I always find him nestling against your skirts. He must come with me one of these days: I should make him do some gymnastics.”
“Jules horse-riding and Christie gymnastics!” she exclaimed.
“Yes ... sport, in fact!” he answered, with a meaning look of fun.
She glanced back at him; and sympathy smiled from the depths of her gold-grey eyes. He felt thoroughly4 happy and, with the child still upon his knees, said: [156]
“I have come to confess to you ... Madonna!”
Then, as though startled, he put the child away from him.
“To confess?”
“Yes.... There, Christie, go back to Mamma; I mustn’t keep you by me any longer.”
“Very well,” said Christie, with great, wondering eyes, and caught hold of the cord of Quaerts’ eyeglass.
“The Child would forgive too easily,” said Quaerts.
“And I, have I anything to forgive you?” she asked.
“I shall be only too happy if you will see it in that light.”
“Then begin your confession5.”
“But the Child ...” he hesitated.
Cecile stood up; she took the child, kissed him and sat him on a stool by the [157]window with his picture-book. Then she came back to the sofa:
“He will not hear....”
And Quaerts began the story, choosing his words: he spoke6 of the shooting, of the ragging-parties and the peasant-woman and of Brussels. She listened attentively7, with dread8 in her eyes at the violence of such a life, the echo of which reverberated9 in his words, even though the echo was softened10 by his reverence11.
“And is all this a sin calling for absolution?” she asked, when he had finished.
“Is it not?”
“I am no Madonna, but ... a woman with fairly emancipated12 views. If you were happy in what you did, it was no sin, for happiness is good.... Were you happy, I ask you? For in that case what you did was ... good.”
“Happy?” he asked. [158]
“Yes.”
“No.... Therefore I have sinned, sinned against myself, have I not? Forgive me ... Madonna.”
She was troubled at the sound of his voice, which, gently broken, wrapped her about as with a spell; she was troubled to see him sitting there, filling with his body, his personality, his existence a place in her room, beside her. In a single second she lived through hours, feeling her calm love lying heavy within her, like a sweet weight; feeling a longing13 to throw her arms about him and tell him that she worshipped him; feeling also an intense sorrow at what he had admitted, that once again he had been unhappy. Hardly able to control herself in her compassion14, she rose, moved towards him and laid her hand upon his shoulder:
“Tell me, do you mean all this? Is [159]it all true? Is it true that you have been living as you say and yet have not been happy?”
“Perfectly true, on my soul.”
“Then why did you do it?”
“I couldn’t help it.”
“You were unable to force yourself to be more moderate?”
“Absolutely.”
“Then I should like to teach you.”
“And I should not like to learn, from you. For it is and always will be my best happiness to be immoderate also where you are concerned, immoderate in the life of my real self, my soul, just as I have now been immoderate in the life of my apparent self.”
Her eyes grew dim; she shook her head, her hand still upon his shoulder:
“That is not right,” she said, in deep distress15. [160]
“It is a joy ... for both those beings. I have to be like that, I have to be immoderate: they both demand it.”
“But that is not right,” she insisted. “Pure enjoyment16 ...”
“The lowest, but also the highest....”
A shiver passed through her, a deadly fear for him.
“No, no,” she persisted. “Don’t think that. Don’t do it. Neither the one nor the other. Really, it is all wrong. Pure joy, unbridled joy, even the highest, is not good. In that way you force your life. When you speak so, I am afraid for your sake. Try to recover moderation. You have so many possibilities of being happy.”
“Oh, yes!...”
“Yes, but what I mean is that you must not be fanatical. And ... and also, for the love of God, don’t run quite so madly after pleasure.” [161]
He looked up at her; he saw her beseeching17 him with her eyes, with the expression of her face, with her whole attitude, as she stood bending slightly forward. He saw her beseeching him, even as he heard her; and then he knew that she loved him. A feeling of bright rapture18 came upon him, as though something high were descending19 upon him to guide him. He did not stir—he felt her hand thrilling at his shoulder—afraid lest with the smallest movement he should drive that rapture away. It did not occur to him for a moment to speak a word of tenderness to her or to take her in his arms and press her to him: she was so profoundly transfigured in his eyes that any such profane20 desire remained far removed from him. And yet he felt at that moment that he loved her, but as he had never yet loved any one before, so completely and exclusively, with the noblest elements that lie [162]hidden away in the soul, often unknown even to itself. He felt that he loved her with new-born feelings of frank youth and fresh vigour21 and pure unselfishness. And it seemed to him that it was all a dream of something which did not exist, a dream lightly woven about him, a web of sunbeams.
“Madonna!” he whispered. “Forgive me....”
“Promise then....”
“Willingly, but I shall not be able to keep my promise. I am weak....”
“No.”
“Ah, I am! But I give you my promise; and I promise also to try my utmost to keep it. Will you forgive me now?”
She nodded to him; her smile fell on him like a ray of sunlight. Then she went to the child, took it in her arms and brought it to Quaerts: [163]
“Put your arms round his neck, Christie, and give him a kiss.”
He took the child from her; it threw its little arms about his neck and kissed him on the forehead.
“The Madonna forgives me ... and the Child!” he whispered.
[Contents]
2
They stayed long talking to each other; and no one came to disturb them. The child had gone back to sit by the window. Twilight22 began to strew23 pale ashes in the room. He saw Cecile sitting there, sweetly white; the kindly24 melody of her half-breathed words came rippling25 towards him. They talked of many things: of Emerson; of Van Eeden’s new poem in the Nieuwe Gids; of their respective views of life. He accepted a cup of tea, only for the pleasure of seeing her move with [164]the yielding lines of her graciousness, standing before the tea-table in the corner. In her white dress, she had something about her of marble grown lissom26 with inspiration and warm life. He sat motionless, listening reverently27, swathed in a still rapture of delight. It was a mood which defied analysis, without a visible origin, springing from their sympathetic fellowship as a flower springs from an invisible seed after a drop of rain and a kiss of the sunshine. She too was happy; she no longer felt the pain which his reverence had caused her. True, she was a little sad by reason of what he had told her, but she was happy for the sake of this speck28 of the present. Nor did she any longer see that dark stream, that inky sky, that night landscape: everything that she now saw was bright and calm. And happiness breathed about her, a tangible29 happiness, like a living caress30. Sometimes [165]they ceased speaking and both of them looked towards the child, as it sat reading; or Christie would ask them something and they would answer. Then they smiled one to the other, because the child was so good and did not disturb them.
“If only this could continue for ever,” he ventured to say, though still fearing lest a word might break the crystalline transparency of their happiness. “If you could only see into me now, how all in me is peace. I don’t know why, but that is how I feel. Perhaps because of your forgiveness. Really the Catholic religion is delightful31, with its absolution. What a comfort that must be for people of weak character!”
“But I cannot think your character weak. And it is not. You tell me that you sometimes know how to place yourself above ordinary life, whence you can look down upon its grief as on a comedy [166]which makes one laugh sadly for a minute, but which is not true. I too believe that life, as we see it, is no more than a symbol of a truer life, concealed32 beneath it, which we do not see. But I cannot rise beyond the symbol, while you can. Therefore you are very strong and feel yourself very great.”
“How strange, when I just think myself weak and you great and powerful. You dare to be what you are, in all your harmony; and I am always hiding and am afraid of people individually, though sometimes I am able to rise above life in the mass. But these are riddles33 which it is vain for me to attempt to solve; and, though I have not the power to solve them, at this moment I feel nothing but happiness. Surely I may say that once aloud, may I not, quite aloud?”
She smiled to him in the bliss34 which she felt of making him happy. [167]
It is the first time I have felt happiness in this way,” he continued. “Indeed it is the first time I have felt it at all....”
“Then don’t analyse it.”
“There is no need. It is standing before me in all its simplicity35. Do you know why I am happy?”
“Don’t analyse, don’t analyse,” she repeated in alarm.
“No,” he said, “but may I tell you, without analysing?”
“No, don’t,” she stammered36, “because ... because I know....”
She besought37 him, very pale, with folded, trembling hands. The child looked at them; it had closed its book, and come to sit down on its stool by its mother, with a look of gay sagacity in its pale-blue eyes.
“Then I obey you,” said Quaerts, with some difficulty.
And they were both silent, their eyes [168]expanded as with the lustre38 of a vision. It seemed to be gently beaming about them through the pale ashen39 twilight.
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1
electrified
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| v.使电气化( electrify的过去式和过去分词 )；使兴奋 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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constraint
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| n.(on)约束，限制；限制(或约束)性的事物 | |
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4
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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6
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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attentively
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| adv.聚精会神地；周到地；谛；凝神 | |
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8
dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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9
reverberated
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| 回响，回荡( reverberate的过去式和过去分词 )； 使反响，使回荡，使反射 | |
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10
softened
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| （使）变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 )； 缓解打击； 缓和； 安慰 | |
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11
reverence
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| n.敬畏，尊敬，尊严；Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称；v.尊敬，敬畏，崇敬 | |
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12
emancipated
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| adj.被解放的，不受约束的v.解放某人（尤指摆脱政治、法律或社会的束缚）( emancipate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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13
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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compassion
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| n.同情，怜悯 | |
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15
distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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16
enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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17
beseeching
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| adj.恳求似的v.恳求，乞求（某事物）( beseech的现在分词 ) | |
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18
rapture
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| n.狂喜；全神贯注；着迷；v.使狂喜 | |
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19
descending
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| n. 下行 adj. 下降的 | |
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20
profane
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| adj.亵神的，亵渎的；vt.亵渎，玷污 | |
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21
vigour
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| （=vigor）n.智力，体力，精力 | |
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22
twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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23
strew
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| vt.撒；使散落；撒在…上，散布于 | |
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24
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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25
rippling
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| 起涟漪的，潺潺流水般声音的 | |
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26
lissom
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| adj.柔软的，轻快而优雅的 | |
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27
reverently
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| adv.虔诚地 | |
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28
speck
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| n.微粒，小污点，小斑点 | |
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29
tangible
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| adj.有形的，可触摸的，确凿的，实际的 | |
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30
caress
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| vt./n.爱抚，抚摸 | |
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31
delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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32
concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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33
riddles
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| n.谜（语）( riddle的名词复数 )；猜不透的难题，难解之谜 | |
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34
bliss
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| n.狂喜，福佑，天赐的福 | |
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35
simplicity
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| n.简单，简易；朴素；直率，单纯 | |
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36
stammered
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| v.结巴地说出( stammer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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37
besought
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| v.恳求，乞求（某事物）( beseech的过去式和过去分词 )；(beseech的过去式与过去分词) | |
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38
lustre
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| n.光亮，光泽；荣誉 | |
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39
ashen
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| adj.灰的 | |
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